Touch me in my No No Square
Touch me in my No No Square.
“True story. Giles 100% banged out Buffy’s mom on the hood of a police car while fucked up on magical candy bars, “Faith announced to the table with a cackle.
Faith, as team leader & Xander, as the field watcher in command had decided after three weeks of brutal slayage that their newly trained slayer squad deserved a little R and R in Paris.
Hitting a secluded club for a little dancing & drinks was the plan.
Somehow, after many many drinks, they’d ended up telling OG scooby stories.
“Nooo.” Amanda said, wide eyed. “He’s too stuffy and British, even high on magic chocolate.”
“That can’t be topped.” Violet slurred slightly, after two beers she was starting to feel it even with slayer stamina.
Smirking, Faith ordered another round before turning back to her team. “Oh, I think we can do better. Did you hear about Chloe?”
“Chloe? Which ones Chloe? The slayer from Kansas?” Amanda questioned.
Scratching underneath his eyepatch, Xander shook his head. “No, she got into some trouble. We’re talking about the other Chloe, Buffy’s decoy.”
“If this is about her dating that douche,” Caridad made air quotes, “The Immortal,” before taking a sip of her Rum & Coke, “than it hardly tops it. Not with as many monsters Buffy actually dated.”
“Oh, that’s not what I meant. I don’t think Car or Violet was here for Buffy’s little dip into the dating pool last year. But Amanda remembers, right? You were one of the ones who walked in on her.” Amanda’s jaw dropped at what Faith was bringing up.
Looking around to make sure the blond slayer in question wasn’t ready to leap out from under a chair, she nodded. “We’re not supposed to talk about that.”
Snorting, Faith answered, “Buffy’s not my momma.”
“Gather around baby slayers, you’ll absolutely ‘love’ this.” Faith nodded to herself before making sure she remembered the whole thing correctly. “So last year after X turned her down, and we all got the news that Riley was having another kid, B got all moody about how human guys didn’t want her after she’d let all those dead guys dip their wicks in.”
Caridad choked on her drink, and glared at the dark haired slayer, knowing Faith had waited till she was swallowing before dropping that line.
“So B decided she was gonna get herself a human boytoy. Of course, she hadn’t had one since the Dale. And even then, all of them had left her. So she went about it in a completely mature and thought out manner.”
“Meaning,” Xander interrupted, “she decided to start handing out blowjobs like candy at Halloween.”
“Nooooo.” The three young slayers chorused.
“Oh, it gets better.” Faith exclaimed. “She didn’t have a place of her own, so she kept taking them back to the HQ in Scotland. And I swear, we were walking in on her saluting the one eyed Nazi like twice a week.”
Amanda’s cheeks burned at the memory. No one wants to see their former guidance councilor bobbing her head on the common room couch. That was where she ate her breakfast!
“Where does Chloe come in?” Violet asked.
“It was Andrew’s idea,” Xander broke in. “He came up with the idea that Buffy would need a decoy, so the big bad’s couldn’t zero in on her during missions. Since they wouldn’t know which was which.”
“Andrew told Chloe to make a study of B. Follow her around, pick up her weird So-cal phrases, dress like her.”
“And when Chloe was in Rome, she did what she thought B would. And blew ‘everyone’.” Faith was in stitches at this point. “I’m talking the bellhop, that douche Immortal with the 80s pony tail, if there was free dick, Chloe was throwing herself at it.”
Now the whole table was laughing their asses off, Caridad had given up drinking while Faith was telling her story at this point. Violet looked shocked to her core.
“How come we didn’t hear about this?” The red haired slayer questioned.
“The Buffster swore everyone to secrecy. She tried to play it off that if people figured out who her decoys were, they wouldn’t be as effective. But I hear that when she confronted Chloe, Buffy got her notes on ‘being her’ and the third one on the list was ‘gives lots of mediocre’ head.”
“I can’t….I CAN’T BREATH!” Caridad said between gasping laughs, while Faith grinned until her dimples hurt.
“So that’s number one! I don’t know if I’m disappointed because it’s princess Buffy taking the top spot, or thrilled on how she took it. In her mouth.” The Spanish slayer choked out between giggles.
“Oh?” Xander said with a grin. “Then I guess you didn’t hear what Faithy here got up to in Chicago.”
Faith’s smirk just deepened. “Oh, boytoy, you really wanna talk out of turn? Cuz I know a story or two about your misadventures.”
“Yeah….but do you have the video?”
“Video?” Violet squeaked. “What video?”
“X,” Faith said in warning.
“Anyway, Faith here was in Chicago about six months back on a scouting mission for a local slayer who’d been called, when all of a sudden she gets a alert that her bank accounts been emptied.”
“That prick Wood had moved it from our joint account, to his after the split. I busted his ass when I got home.” The Boston born slayer said with a frown.
“Like I was saying, Faith’s in line at the bank on a regular Tuesday. Nothing out of the ordinary, until bank robbers burst in.” Xander was warming up to the tale, while the slayers latched on to every word.
“Now, they’re heavily armed, and there are too many witnesses for her to pull a supernatural save. But the bank robbers aren’t taking any chances. So they lock Faith and a couple other costumers in the back vault.”
“Gah, I hate small spaces. It sounds terrible, was it terrible?” Amanda asked, sounding excited and freaked out.
“Its was fine. Just stuffy.” Faith explained.
“And warm.” Xander countered.
“See, the AC was busted. And it got pretty toasty in that vault. And seeing as it automatically locks at 6pm every night, locking them in early threw off its timing. The bank manager couldn’t open the door. So, they had to call the cops.”
Gesturing to the waitress for another round, their fourth, Xander continued. “All the while it’s getting hot. Summer in Chicago without AC?” He chuckled at he spoke.
“Faith, being Faith, decided to go the route of least resistance and started peeling off her clothes.”
“Wait, what’d the other captives do?” Caridad looked between the lead slayer and watcher.
“Apparently they thought it was a great idea, and followed suit. They were a local married couple from the South Side. Veronica and Kevin, I believe.”
Violet, seeing where this was going blurted out, “Faith! Did you have a threesome?!?”
Faith just shrugged, unbothered.
“Oh, it gets better,” Xander told them with a grin, “there wasn’t any intercom in the bank vault. But they did have cameras. So Faith and these two gave about a dozen cops a free, interracial threesome sex tape.”
“Did y’all get arrested when they vaults opened?” Violet was feeling pretty buzzed at this point. “How’d the couple take being watched by a room full of cops?”
“A room full of cops, the bank manager, eight firemen, and two bank tellers.” Xander corrected.
Shrugging, Faith just said, “they sent me a Christmas card this year. So I don’t think they minded.”
Then Faith frowned, “how’d you get a copy anyway? The cops turned me down when I asked.”
“Willow hacked the department’s wifi network and got into their systems. She was looking for information on the local slayer, but stumbled across that happy accident.”
“So I think it’s safe to say, that ‘slayers really do have the more fun’.” Xander said while trying to get up, nearly five rounds and a month fighting the local monsters, he was ready for bed.
Only for Faith to snag his arm and pull him back into his seat.
“Going somewhere? And without telling these precious young souls about your tale of shame?”
“Faithy, I’m an open book. But I don’t think I have any tales that’d beat Buffy & her mini-me blowing half of Rome, or your sex tape.”
“Oh?” Faith said innocently. “Not even one about your love sick Lolita?”
“Lolita?!?” The triplet slayer team said collectively.
“What, you hadn’t wondered why boytoy here hasn’t been in the states for a couple years? He’s got stat charges pending in Pennsylvania. So he’s waiting out the statute of limitations.”
“That’s not…I’m not…..it wasn’t my fault.” Xander stuttered, finally losing his cool.
“What, did she trip, fall, and land on your dick on her way to the local playground?” Caridad teased.
“Oh no, much much better than that.” Faith grabbed his chair and pulled it right next to hers, so she could grab him if he decided to make a break for it.
“We’d actually heard about The Scourge trying to set up shop in this podunk town in the middle of nowheresville, and X here was the lead watcher at the time and got sent to investigate.”
They turned to look at him, but he’d buried his head in his arms and was trying to block out the world.
So Faith continued, louder.
“However, the first night there Xan stumbled across this rave in the middle of the woods. Thinking he could go undercover, pretend to be a townie, and see if those demon Nazi were going to make a move, he went in and partied with the locals.”
“Wasn’t…..my…..fault.” He ground out through his arms.
Faith continued, undisturbed by his whining. “So he’s dancing, and chatting up the locals, when someone dropped a tab of E in his drink instead of the intended victim.”
Glued to her words now, the slayers eyes pinged ponged back and forth between Faith & Xander.
“So boytoys tripping balls, and apparently stumbles across some teenagers who’d also dropped E. And it was like….a perfect storm.”
“Right down to the place getting raided by the sheriff’s department an hour later.” Faith smiled as he groaned. “Turns out the local sheriff was our local Lolita’s dad. Imagine his surprise when he comes across Xander railing his 15 year old daughter while 80 ravers watch & cheer, and….Deva? Yeah, Deva is squealing her head off.”
“He got arrested?!?” Amanda asked.
“Yeah, but not before the sheriff shot him. Xan, you want to show them your scar? He got plugged in the shoulder.”
His reply was muffled through his arms.
“But it gets better.” Faith swore.
“How could it possibly get better then this?” Caridad demanded.
“Deva had gotten called a few weeks before. So she was tripping, and having slayer flashbacks, and then walks in Xander. And between her getting my memories, Bs, and that slayer chick in Arizona Xan hooked up with, she was already half in love before she hopped on X’s candlestick.”
“Which went from half to full on devotion, cuz you know boytoy, he’s a gold medalist in the Fuck Olympics. When Buffy got the call to come in with Giles, they had to explain to the family what a slayer was, get X out of the jail before the sheriff or that chick’s mom lynched him. And all the while Deva’s trying to convince Giles to make X her watcher.”
“Because, and I quote, ‘boytoy could help her with her homework while pumping a baby in her. End quote.”
Now Xander looked up from his arms, “she did not.”
Taking the last swig of her beer before answering, Faith just nodded. “He’s right. She never mentioned homework. Just her desire to be 16 & pregnant. Minus a year. I legit didn’t know if Giles was going to have a brain aneurysm or if the sheriff was gonna shoot him again.”
“Now,” Faith intoned while looking at the shell shocked looks on her squads faces, “does 40 blowys & a sex tape win out, or Mr. I can’t go within 500 yards of a school zone?”