Chapter 8
Friday
Friday 8th, 2019
Something felt quite nice. It felt like a deep rumbling within his chest and head. It was comforting in a way. It reminded Aaron of some of those massage chairs that lightly vibrate you to relieve all your stress away. That certainly helps, especially with his soft blankets wrapping Aaron around in a blanket burrito. This was the ideal and optimal anti-stress situation.
The rumbling reminded him of a cat purring, he had seen videos online, where a cat would walk up to a sad owner and press themselves against the human, and started to vibrate intensely, and create this extremely cute and relaxing vibe, and the human would almost always react by hugging them. It was very nice, and Aaron felt rather nice right now. In fact, now that he focusing more on the vibrating, it did sounds like it was purring, and strangely, he thought that the purring sounded rather like….
“Cora are you purring?”
Immediately, the purring stopped, as the symbiote let out a curious sounding noise, before letting out what sounded like a startled yelp, before she let out of a few nervous laughs.
Ummmm, no, I am not purring, you are purring, not me, not me, nope.
“Are you secretly a cat Cora?”
….Maybe? I don’t really know what I am, it just felt like the right thing to do ya know. I felt bad, so I wanted to help you.
“Why would I be feeling bad I…..oh…..” Aaron looked down at himself after unwrapping himself from his blankets, and was met with the sight of his body, that was looking all the more alien to him, especially with the hair starting to frame his vision.
Look, now that you’ve calmed down a bit. We could try talking through this. I know you aren’t great with feelings, but we don’t have to rush stuff.
Aaron was going to protest at first, but he didn’t see any point in it. If this was his fate, he might as well see if there was anyway that he could help or potentially find a way to slow it down. There was a lot of things that could go wrong if others found out he was changing into a girl after all.
“I’m willing to hear you out, Cora. Look, as I said to you before, I’m willing to help you if it makes you comfortable. But, I as talking about the symbiote form, this is me we are talking about here. I’m not sure I’ll be able to recognise myself in the mirror after this.”
I think ya don’t give yourself enough credit. As much as I can say that I can undo these changes, I really can’t since I’m not the one who’s truely influencing these changes. Even though I kind of am…
“That’s a pretty bad explanation Cora, can we go over it again? I know you mentioned it last night, but, I don’t really remember it.”
Fine. So this is how it is. As symbiotes, we aim to bond with our hosts to the best ability possible. That means providing the best not just for us as symbiotes, but that is also the case for the hosts. I’ll give you an example, for example, if a symbiote fuses with just a regular old dude, who desires to not only be stronger, but to live, perhaps a more exciting life, not only will their symbiote form be adapted to that, but their ‘human’ form would be too. THey would naturally get stronger and ‘evolve’ to their own vision. We help with that, think of it as a grateful exchange for allowing us to live.
“So…you’re saying that what you’re doing to me, is, an exchange? I don’t see how that really make sense considering I’m turning into a girl…”
His head went silent for a bit as Cora seemed to consider what to say next, before he heard a long dragged out sigh.
To spell it out as much as I can without directly saying it to you, you are turning into a girl, because it is perhaps quite close to your ideal self. Your ideal image of being a Holt. Whether it is being Aaron, or not, or being a boy or being a girl. That’s what I mean by you being you not giving yourself enough credit. You internally know exactly what you want, but there’s a lot of layers to crack through. I don’t want to push you out too quickly, because I know it will mess you up, hell, it messed me up too. But, I’m just trying to help…
Aaron let this sink in for a moment, what could Cora mean like that. Did gender really not matter all that much to him, even if it meant that he would be strong and athletic? What did it mean if his ideal self was a girl? Did he want to be someone else? He didn’t think he was that dissatisfied with himself. He certainly didn’t feel unhappy enough that he wanted to change genders. After all, in his mind, gender dysphoria that he seen in trans people was just constant hatred of his body parts and his body so, he couldn’t be trans since he didn’t constantly feel like ripping his dick off 24/7. He was getting an headache thinking about this, Cora had faith in him, but he was no closer to figuring things out.
Aaron was snapped out of his monologue by a quiet snicker.
Ya know for someone who can actually be quite smart, you can be a real fuckin’ idiot sometimes.
“Shut the fuck up lady, being smart doesn’t equal being good with figuring yourself out. And it’s complicated.”
Ya have a friend who can give ya a better insight into this better than anyone.
“I don’t want to bother Steph with it. She goes through enough as it is already.”
Once again, yer a fuckin’ idiot, she’s your friend, of course she’ll listen to you.
“Yeah but, I don’t want to make light of a trans situation, I don’t want to bother her about it you know.”
Well, you look like you’re feminising and sooner or later you will have to tell her and talk to people….why not start now?
“Wh-” Aaron was interrupted by a rapid knocking at the door. He rolled out of bed and quickly made his way over to the door and swung it open.
“Hel-HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?” The unorthodox greeting earned him a light punch in the shoulder, as Steph frowned deeply at him, carrying an intense black eye on the left side of her face.
“That’s not how you greet a friend of yours Aaron now is it? Or should I….uh….” Steph’s eyes slowly tracked down his body, and Aaron knew that she must be taking in the changes. It wasn’t subtle, especially if Steph hadn’t seen him since before he and Cora had bonded. A side by side would surely reveal some things. Strangely, Steph seemed to be blushing a little.
“I…..mmm, have you been working out?” Steph cleared her throat, and a gentle smile returned to her face. Aaron really didn’t deserve this ball of joy as a friend, as he let out a chuckle.
“I guess you can say that. Do you want to come in? Or did you come all this way to show me your black eye?”
“I guess I could come in. Alright, sounds like a deal, but only if I can steal some of your bread.”
As Steph made her way in and plopped onto the couch, Aaron was about to join her when he heard Cora speak up again.
She’s trying to be respectful about the changes. They are pretty obvious as you have obviously noticed. This conversation will never happen if you don’t start it first. And, I don’t mean to sound like I”m manipulating you to do anything, but, how’s she going to feel when she thinks you aren’t talking to her about very obvious changes in your life.
‘I can’t just reveal that I’m bonded to a symbiote, she’s not going to believe me.’
Not that, god you’re dense. Talk to her about what it means to…what you thought about to me, and what I said. Please. For the sake of yourself, more than me.
‘Fine…..but only at the right time.’ Aaron heard a laugh and felt like, a few little taps on the inside of his head, was Cora, headpatting him from the brain?
Go get ‘er girl.
Aaron didn’t even dignify that with a response as he sat down next to Steph, who had raised a curious eyebrow.
“Now, I know you don’t really talk to me about your personal life a lot, but I know the Aaron Holt look where you are deep in thought. What are you thinking?”
Steph Riley was really too smart for her own good, she must be a superpowered empath or something.
Aaron looked nervously off to the side, he briefly considered delaying by asking about the black eye, but Steph didn’t seem like she thought it was particularly important, so he didn’t bring it up. But he would just be putting it off, and really, as he had to know. He let out a sigh before she looked back over the Steph, he could barely keep eye contact with his best friend.
“I know this may be hard to ask you but…damn, how do people do this? This is so tough, ugh…”
Steph reached over and put a comforting hand on Aaron’s shoulder, and another look over at the redhead showed Aaron that she was giving a comforting warming smile. That melted Aaron’s heart right there, Steph really had something about her to do something like this.
“Take your time, I’m not going anywhere Aaron.”
“......That’s the thing Steph. How did you know that….you were, Steph Riley?”
Steph tilted her head slightly, and he wondered if he confused her with the question for a second.
“I meant like, how do you know how you really are? Or who you really are? LIke I don’t really know if I look at myself and I’m dissatisfied but like I don’t know if it’s completely true you know I don’t know if-”
“Aaron, you’re rambling again, it’s ok, I get it.” Aaron let out a sigh, and nodded silently, letting Steph think of an answer for a second.
“How one knows what’s really in our soul is a complicated question. For everyone, we all experience things different. If one were to google the stereotypical transgender discovery experience on google or facebook one would see maybe a boy going through a terrible time, hating their body and such, wanting everything gone, and life suddenly becoming awesome when they get long hair and breasts and such. And while, some people do have that experience, it’s not unique to them.”
Steph paused for a second, as she took a quick glance over to Aaron, who nodded for her to go on.
“I’m not specifically speaking from a transgender angle of discovering oneself, but what tends to be the case is, not necessarily what gives you the most discomfort, but what gives you the most comfort within your own image, at least in my experience. What makes you feel the best and reflects yourself the best? You might not know it when you see it, you may see it for a second, and then it’s gone.”
Aaron sighed a little as he nodded. “So, if you don’t mind me asking, like, how did you know, you were trans, how did you know you were always a woman?”
“No, I don’t mind, and thanks for asking before hand. I guess, I’ve always kind of known that I was a girl. Like, even though I wouldn’t say I hated my body as a child but like, it never felt right. I always enjoyed at least the image of freedom that came with some of the girls I saw at school, you know, they all seemed so free and enjoyable while I was stuck playing football or something. But, I guess, when I first thought about it fully, to me, it made sense.”
“Is there…any part of you that thought that, that can’t be right?”
“I think it’s only human to naturally doubt your own instincts Aaron. We’re naturally weary creatures, hardwired to survive. It will insert doubt into our mind into things that we may deem ‘bad’, and unfortunately, within our society, that stigma can come with not only being trans, but being a woman. The mindset that I have is that, I acknowledge that it exists and, I accept it, despite me knowing that it is wrong.”
“I…thanks, Steph…look these are a lot of questions. I don’t think I am, but, like, yeah I don’t know, I don’t think so, alright, last one, last one…”
“You don’t need to concretely label yourself Aaron, you’re still you no matter what you are…”
“Yeah, I get it, just….I’ve always seen like transgender people talk online about like, you aren’t really transgender if you dont’ want to like, I don’t know, take a saw to your dick and rob a store to steal hormones you know. Like, what if someone is trans but they don’ feel that much discomfort with their body.”
Steph frowned at that, before letting out a slight chuckle, poking Aaron in the shoulder.
“I know that your referencing isn’t the best but you must have been in some dark places in the internet Aaron. No, you don’t have to experience life numbing dysphoria to be trans. Every single trans experience is different and unique to yourself. I think fundamentally, it is the joy to find and be your true self. That’s what makes you trans, not what other people say.”
Aaron thought about this, as he lay down further onto the sofa. He didn’t have to hate his own body to be trans, but, he still didn’t really know what he really wanted to be. Did that mean being a girl? Maybe, but he didn’t know. He couldn’t even picture what an ideal future was. Maybe turning into a girl would help him have some clarity with that.
“Alright….thanks Steph, look, I have a lot on my mind and I need to think things through but, thanks…”
Steph smiled and walked over to Aaron and gave him a light hug, grazing his nipples, causing him to shiver a little. She gave him a few headpats, and they felt surprisingly good.
“I’m here to talk whenever, you know where to find me.”
The redhead pulled away and with that warm smile of hers, turned to leave. Aaron couldn’t help but just maintain looking at Steph, in wonder if anything, that girl was truely magic. She had a way with words that he could only dream of.
That helped didn’t it, I can feel the bus liftin’ of ya shoulders.
‘I don’t think that’s how the saying goes but, yes, I think so. I still don’t know though.’
At least you’re thinking about it a little, but ya know, yer ideal image is buried in your noggin’, maybe it’ll take a little bit of seeing it in real life to really materialise it
‘As Steph said, I’m sure when I see it, I’ll know it, until then, I don’t think so’
Alright alright, there’s no rush ya know, girl or boy or cat, you’re still you.
‘Cat? What does that mean? That’s a bit random isn’t it.’
Hehehehehe
‘Cora? What aren’t you telling me?”
…….
“CORA!”