Chapter 1
Heavily panting, he awoke from yet another nightmare. About one of the far too many missions in which he had killed not only the target, but also two unfortunate eyewitnesses. It wasn't the first one after he had told Yori how his son died. Not as often as before, but so numerous that he almost wished he still had to go to Dr. Raynor. For a moment he just laid there on the thin foam mat he had gotten from Sam. Thinking about getting that little notebook back from her. No, that would feel like a step back, and he wanted to move forward. So he got up to visit Sam.
Bucky found him training with his shield and for the time being he just leaned against the railing of the porch and watched him. The new Captain America had to train way harder than Steve, because there was no super soldier serum running through his veins. It was fascinating watching him throw the round Vibranium, do a crazy flip and catching the symbol Steve had filled with meaning. Only due to Bucky's heightened senses and faster reflexes it was possible for him to catch the shield after it had hit one of the padded tree trunks and flew past Sam directly targeting his chest. It always surprised him how lightweight the cold metal felt against his right arm. Which was kind of strange seeing that his other arm was made out of the same material.
"Are you done training?"
"No, but you're standing there gives me the impression you want to talk to me." Sam shared his observation and walked towards the porch and grabbed his water bottle. After all the time they spend together, Sam could feel that this wasn't just a simple visit, but instead of asking anything, he just leaned beside Buck, took a few sips and gave the old man the time he needed to spit out why he was here. Not that Sam though he needed a reason.
"Are you still having nightmares?", Bucky asked, looking into the distance and absently holding the shield in front of him.
"Yeah, sometimes.", Sam answered, glancing over Bucky's posture before following his stare towards the target trees. It wasn't easy to find the right words when talking about trauma. It was even harder to open up, if you haven't really done that before. Sam knew that. He took one more gulp and put the bottle down again. "Come on, at least help me train while you think about how or if you want to tell me what's going on in your cyborg brain."
Buck nodded and followed him. After a few throws Bucky seemed to relax at least a little. "I left the notebook at Dr. Raynor’s office."
"Big step. - But you still remember all the names."
"Yes. - You said I should start with one, what if that's not enough?"
Sam thought about this question. "Enough for what?" By now Bucky had to know that the goal was for him to live with what Hydra made him do without constantly beating himself up over it.
What was his goal? "To make amends. To make them feel better." Words of advice he got from the man beside him.
"Yes, but ultimately, so you can feel better more often." That was what Sam wished for Bucky and he though that thick-headed ex-assassin should hear it. "I don't know if they'll disappear forever, but I know it can get more manageable. - How do you feel after waking up?" Sam turned towards Bucky and looked into his blue eyes, holding the shield at his side just for now, so Buck couldn't hide behind it.
Bucky clenched his teeth.
"I mean physically." The mental unease was a whole different beast, but during his time as a consultant he learned that every soldier also had to deal with different physical symptoms and dealing with them could help in dealing with the mental ones after that. "For me, it always feels like I am falling, and I lack the power to do anything." He shared with a sad smile after another moment of silent staring from Bucky. The man who wore wings was afraid of falling.
Bucky's blue eyes pierced Sam's browns and Sam could see the gears working as Bucky remembered how he had kicked him of the helicopter carrier with a ripped of wing. Bucky blinked and cleared his throat. "I feel – breathless. Heavy."
"And when do you feel the least heavy?" Sam didn't fully understand, but he had noticed that Bucky wasn't using his Vibranium arm as much today.
"Without the arm." He answered without hesitation.
"Do you ever take it off?"
"No."
"Why?"
Bucky looked down on the mechanic hand. "I think it'd be wrong to take it off."
"And what do you feel?"
That question resulted in a confused look on Buck's face.
"Come on Bucky, that's not a hard question."
"Yeah it is! - What if I get attacked when I don't have it on? Sure, the last weeks have been quiet, but there are still many people out there who want me dead." The other winter soldiers might be dead, but were they sure that the place where they held him was the only lab where Hydra stored super soldiers? Bucky was too old and trained to think about the worst case to not think about such a scenario.
This rant made Sam give him an incredulous look. "You want me to believe you couldn't hold yourself in a fight without that arm?"
That - sounded like a challenge. "Of course I could, but no soldier would choose to be in a fight with a disadvantage, am I wrong?"
"No, no you're not. But you don't have to be ready every second, you know?" It was okay to be vulnerable. "You have to permit yourself to relax. Maybe sleep over at our house – without the arm?"
Sam's suggestion elicited a lopsided smile on Bucky's face. "Thanks Sam, but I have to be able to sleep in my own home."
"Okay, then I'll crash at your place. Tomorrow?"
A little stunned about that instant change of plans Bucky tilted his head. "Um, sure." He agreed and then left Sam to continue his training without him. Bucky needed to buy something for Sam to sleep on.
Sam watched Bucky leave. He only wanted the best for that man that had gone through so much bad shit. It had not taken long for him to see why Steve had never given up on him and Sam really hoped that he could help him find out how to enjoy life again.