My hearts been beating overtime
Dodge, duck, she reminded herself of that but it was too late: His fist connected with her shoulder because she didn't move quite fast enough to avoid the hit altogether but at least it didn't hit her dead in the middle of her chest, he used the fact that she staggered off balance so that she could roll her shoulder back to duck low and sweep her legs from beneath her and she went flat on her back. He stood over her and fought back a laugh. He reached out to yank her roughly to her feet because it was a pretense he had to keep up.
She should've known better than to let her guard down like that. He'd taught her better than that.
"Again," he barked the order before he took his stance. She moved faster than he'd anticipated and she swept low, her leg wrapping around his as she twisted pulling him down to the ground, she flipped back around easily; she moved with a grace that momentarily threw him off, her arm went over his throat as she stood behind him with the other hand pressed against the back of his head.
"Better?" she questioned as she stood. She could've rendered him unconscious... In theory. He was big. Strong. Her size might be considerably less but she was by no means weak.
He wrapped his hand around her arm and threw his body forward sending her flipping over his shoulder and she went down into the training mat again. Once again he moved pulling her to her feet this time in a choke hold that he could've used to kill her or knock her out but Natalia kicked out using her feet to swing forward her hands yanked his arm from around her as she flipped backward, her legs wrapped over his shoulders and she threw him back down again.
Breathlessly, she stood up and looked down at him and he smirked.
"Better," he agreed. She reached out a hand to help him up. "You're getting more and more impressive by the day."
He looked at her like there was something there, something he wanted to say. There was a warmth in his face, a flicker flame in his eyes that showed something he wasn't allowed to feel: Desire. Passion. Lust.
She reflected it though he was sure she did. He didn't want to end up thinking that he was going mad.
Her chest heaved and her hair hung around her shoulders; it had come loose in her movement, as he stepped forward he noted how much it framed her face beautifully and a soft pink touched her cheeks from the exertion she was breathtakingly beautiful and he couldn't ignore that fact.
She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on and she could make his heart race with a simple look and he scorned himself for that. He was trained better. He wasn't supposed to think anything even close to this, he wasn't supposed to feel anything even remotely close to this but yet he did.
The Little Spider crept past his defenses and wormed her way deep inside of him without him even realizing.
His hand closed around her wrist before but not in a rough way, it turned so that his fingers slid down the inside of her palm and brushed against hers. She chewed on her bottom lip as she looked up at him. He searched for something in her the same way she seemed to be searching for something in him.
His hand laced with hers and his lips quirked in one of those sort of unreadable ways. It wasn't arrogance, it wasn't him being an asshole it was something else. An untold feeling. A story that he wasn't sure how to tell. Words he wasn't sure how to speak.
They had only moments. He used his hand to turn her around and his arm was pinning her with her back against his chest and it was then that she could feel it. Her chest was still heaving, her heart racing; he stood dangerously close to her and she could feel him pressed against her and she was biting back a response to that... At least she was trying; he spoke and pulled her attention back again.
"What are we doing?" he questioned; the line that they'd walked had been getting more and more blurry for the past six weeks. He was supposed to be the teacher and her the pupil, him the mentor and nothing more and yet it was more than that wasn't it? Why did he crave her touch? Why did he want to kiss her so badly that it almost hurt? It made no sense.
"I don't know," she replied. "But your body is definitely betraying you." She couldn't help but add in that little quip.
He held her a little tighter then, his breath hot against her skin as his head bowed forward; his lips brushed her ear as he spoke.
"So is yours," he replied. "You think I can't feel you tremble? We both want something else from this and you know it."
He was right, she did know it. His arm slipped again and he spun her to face him. He pushed her against the wall and watched her as she reacted. Her hand slid down his body to brush over him and she wore a smirk of triumph as her finger drew upward again in a slow movement and he reacted beautifully: He let out a low sound of pleasure mixed with the frustration he was clearly feeling.
"You're right," she agreed. "So what are you gonna do about it? It's not like we can, we're being watched..." she trailed off.
"Not everywhere," he argued. She looked quizzical. "Showers."
That was true, not even their 'handlers' were twisted enough to put cameras in the bathrooms which was admittedly a surprise to her and to him but at least they drew those lines. They were in a blind spot on the cameras right now but they didn't have long enough here. She tugged on her bottom lip as his hand slipped between her legs and he put just the slightest amount of pressure on the right place and she bit back a moan.
"You coming?" he questioned as he held her gaze.
"Keep touching me like that and I will," she muttered; she was finding it hard to keep her composure. As he dropped his hand she looked undoubtedly disappointed. She reminded herself of her own words though, they were being watched. They'd be heavily punished for this.
He released her then and turned to walk off and she leaned against the wall with her body feeling like it was on fire for a moment before she muttered fuck under her breath and made her way over to the bench to pluck up her water bottle before she walked toward the shower room. They had two separate ones but given that there was no cameras it didn't make it hard for her to slip into his. She closed the door with her back against it and watched as he took off the remnants of his training gear.
He walked beneath the torrent of water and she could do little but stand there for a moment with her breath held and her body betraying what little composure she still had little by little. She pushed herself away from the door as he turned to face her and she slipped her clothes from her slender form and made her way over to him. Without a single word at all he leaned to kiss her in a bruising kiss; there was no gentleness just an urgency.
A craving that had to be satisfied.
He lifted her so that her legs were around him and he was pressed up against her and he backed her into the wall again and she whimpered as he brushed against her in just the right way. He knew exactly what he was doing and she knew he did. He could read it in her eyes, she wanted him but he wasn't going to give her that so easily. He had control here and she hated it; she loathed someone else being in control and he knew it.
That was why he was determined to draw it out of her slowly.
He moved back just a little, enough for him to slip his hands around his erection and guide the tip in a movement against her knowing just the right amount of pressure to apply and moving in a way he knew would drive her crazy. He was right and desperate cries broke her lips growing more intense with every movement he made; her nails dug into his shoulders as she held onto him. She had no control whatsoever and every movement he made drew sounds from the both of them his forehead rested against hers before he nudged her upward and his lips crashed again against hers drowning out the moans that broke her lips and his.
Her nails dragged down his back and then up again, he could feel the fact that he was drawing her close; her body shook and she found it hard to bury the sounds even with his lips on hers. She broke their kiss and her head leaned against the wall behind her and dug her teeth into her bottom lip hard enough to draw a little blood but nothing worked. She needed a release and so did he but she was holding back; the fight for control in her mind forbade her from letting him take her completely.
"Let go," he whispered. "You don't have to control everything."
He could barely get his words out as he tumbled into his own orgasm spilling all over her and his hand in the process as she let the dam of her self control break and she came to orgasm in cries that she buried in his shoulder as she felt him erupt against her.
It was only then that he lifted her just a little more and slid inside of her with groan of satisfaction as her heat engulfed him; she moved her head back against the wall as he moved inside of her only this time she didn't bother to hide her pleasure; like he'd said: Let go. Her legs tightened around him as he moved with such a sense of desperate urgency; this wasn't like anything either of them had had before, this was something new. Something far deeper. His hands moved to hers and he pinned them to the wall on either side of her head.
Their fingers remained intertwined.
They held to each other like their lives depended on it as they drew what they sought from one another; he moved inside of her with deep thrusts that hit everything inside of her that still quivered and remained sensitive from just moments ago; the effect he had on her shocked the hell out of her but she had no intentions of stopping any of this. She wrapped her legs tighter again drawing him into her further, deeper...
Everything they sought out this time was done in rough passion, urgency and a desperation he knew that they'd never really understand.
Their crescendo came with a series of cries and curses and he held her there afterward with his chest heaving just as much as hers was; he released her hands and instead placed one against her cheek, the kiss he placed against her lips this time was gentle. Filled with a sense of fulfillment and warmth.
"I guess we both needed that," he spoke breathlessly. A smile touched his lips that was devoid of any kind of triumph or arrogance. It was gentle. It was... She wasn't wholly sure but it was something.
"We can't do that again," she replied no matter how much she might want to, no matter how much he might want to they couldn't do it but being this close to him and telling him that was harder than she'd thought it would be. "If they find out they'll punish us, we can't."
It pained her to say it and he could see it. He set her back onto her feet again and he shook his head at her; a single finger moved beneath her chin and he kissed her again.
"No," he agreed. "We shouldn't." Not can't, he wasn't going to agree with that. He would concede to the fact that they shouldn't do it for fear of punishment but if there was something that was worth facing punishment for it was her.
He couldn't stand the thought of never being able to touch her again. He couldn't stand the thought of never being able to kiss her lips, to feel the heat of her body pressed to his. He could never stand the thought of her being in the arms of anyone else because as irrational as it was he cared deeply for her. It wasn't just sexual tension, it wasn't just that he wanted this from her. He did want her and he wasn't going to deny that but that wasn't all there was to it.
His fingers brushed her cheek in a gentle caress as the water washed over them.
"But it doesn't mean we can't," he spoke quietly. "We just have to be careful. But if you don't want anything from this-"
She silenced him with a kiss.
"I do," she replied. "I do want something more from this." She was terrified of it and of the repercussions but she did. She didn't want to end up losing whatever the hell it was they were building here but she could feel a sense of belonging with him that she'd never felt before.
"This is a bad idea," she moaned with a sigh, she brushed her wet hair out of her face. "The worst, this is the worst idea and yet the thought of never being this close to you again is horrible." Unbearable. It was unbearable.
"But we don't belong to ourselves let alone each other," she sighed. "You know we don't, they do whatever they want to us and we have to just accept it. It's what we are. It's who we are. We can't belong to anyone but them."
"We can," he argued. "We have more freedoms now. You have more freedoms now. We aren't thrown in as much. Our missions are together most of the time. We can do this. We can belong to each other." He sure as hell wanted to belong to her. He loathed the idea of anything else.
"We should get ready again and go," he spoke to her as he looked toward the door. "But I'll come and see you later."
With one final kiss, he ran his hands through his hair and made his way over to scoop up a towel and began to dry off before getting dressed and casting a look over his shoulder with a smile before he walked out. God, he wanted to stay. He wanted to touch her again. He wanted to hold her in his arms and feel the warmth of her around him...
But he knew he couldn't. Not right now.
Sinking to the floor she let the water wash over her and she breathed out a deep sigh hitting her head off of the tiled wall. That wasn't a good idea. That was the worst idea but yet it was also the damn best one she'd had in as long as she could remember. It was the first thing that really felt like hers. He was the first thing that really felt hers. She could feel an emotion stir deep inside of her that she couldn't explain but it churned there in the pit of her stomach.
She could feel the warmth of it and she realized in that moment that she didn't understand a damn thing about life or really being a person yet he made her feel like she did.
She glanced down at her legs and she had finger marks on the top of her thighs, a breathy laugh broke her lips as she shook her head. How the hell did that just happen? Still, all she could think about was him and it was dizzying; she didn't even attempt to stand up because she knew that if she did she was going straight back to the floor because her legs weren't strong enough to keep her up.
She dragged her hand slowly up her leg, the nails brushed lightly over the skin; her chest rose and fell quicker as she drew circles on the top of her thigh. She kicked herself, get up. Get out of here. She couldn't though and she knew it, her whole body felt electrified. He was all she could think about, his scent clung to her body even as she sat under a torrent of water and that brought back all too familiar frustrations.
He'd left moments ago yet it felt like hours.
Her hand traveled up further and slipped between her legs, a whimper broke her lips as she repeated the pattern he'd drawn against her with her finger; her teeth dug into her lip. While she wished it was him touching her all she could think about was him so she supposed that'd work too. Her movement slowed as she switched to her thumb, two fingers slipping inside of her moving at a steady pace with her mind fixed on nothing but him, her back arched as she cried out into the silent shower room; her legs quivered as she drew herself to orgasm again with her own hand.
She'd never tell him that it was his name she cried out the whole time though.
He was back in training about an hour after he'd left her and the whole time she was on his mind but he was better than anyone else in this room; he could counter easily, he could take them down, he could hit every target without effort. It was all muscle memory and he knew that even with his mind far, far away from here he was present physically in this room and that was all that mattered. He was where they wanted him to be. He was who they wanted him to be in this room.
They didn't have to know that he'd spent the time he had with her before he'd come here, they didn't have to know that even after he'd left he realized that he'd never craved anything more than he craved her. He'd forgotten what it was to want something that badly. He'd forgotten what it was to want something for himself. He found himself wondering if she was right and they'd be caught and punished but if he could help it they wouldn't be, he knew they were going to be put on a mission together soon.
Another mission, another cover but he got to have her right there with him only... He might not. Their missions always involved being wiped and planted with something else before they went and wiped again when they got back again and in that they could be gone, lost. Forever buried in the abyss that was created inside of their minds by what people did to them and the thought of it made him angry. He threw the knife harder than he had to and it stuck in the wall bouncing from the impact.
He dragged in one deep breath after another and none of them steadied him even slightly. He was furious inside at the thought that they could take it all away from them in one swift, heartless movement when they were just starting to get whatever it was they were together. He wanted her so badly. He wanted her to know that there was no way in hell he'd ever let anything hurt her. He wanted her to know that this? Whatever this was? They had to fight for it.
The only solace he had was his promise: He'd see her later. Her apartment wasn't far from the facility and Ivan had worked hard to ensure her freedoms. He was doing well at playing the obedient little dog and so far he hadn't drawn any attention to any signs of disobedience. He'd played along with everything perfectly. He'd done exactly what they'd asked of him, he'd given them everything they'd asked of him. He'd made his way into the good graces of his superiors.
He was allowed to exist in some kind of life outside of every little thing that they'd asked of him and everything that they'd made him do. That life - he'd discovered - he wanted to be with her, he wanted to figure out what they were and how whatever the hell it was that this thing of theirs was going to unfold. All he could think of was her. All he could think of doing was holding her. As his training came to a close he made his way out and into the hallway biting back a growl.
Just a few more hours. Just a few more hours and he could be where he wanted to be - with her - and he could at least try to talk to her. This last few weeks had been filled with more and more frustration. It had grown and bubbled over every single training session they'd had until he couldn't stand it anymore. He had to do something. He had to see if there was something there or if it was all in his head. He had to see if she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her or if what he thought he'd sensed was in his head and that was all there was to it.
A single rejection was all it would've taken for him to call it quits and pushed himself back to being her mentor and nothing more. He'd have gone back to being the person who trained with her, taught her, ran missions with her and he'd have been fine with that but he'd been right and she'd felt it too. She'd felt whatever it was they were inside of them and it wasn't all just in his head. He'd felt something real and so had she.
What had started as training, as passion, as missions together had become a desperate longing, a pull toward one another that neither of them could continue to ignore and one that he really didn't want to anymore. He needed to feel her, to feel her skin, her touch, her hands on his body, his lips against his.
It was easy - he supposed - for sexual tension to build in training the way that theirs was, it was close body, it was intense, it was driven and it would be easy for something to bubble within that but what wasn't easy was something coming of it that meant anything at all and that was what they had to figure out tonight: Did it mean anything? Was it just a one time thing? Would they lose this as quickly as they'd started to discover it if their conversation told them that it was just a fling?
A one time thing that would - and could - never happen again because it affected their ability to do their jobs or it just wasn't as deep as it felt in that moment? There were so many unanswered questions and it was agonizing to him. It was all that he could think about; he didn't want it to be a one time thing. It was spinning around in his mind and he couldn't focus. By the time late afternoon came around he just wanted to get the hell out of there and so he'd left the facility wordlessly and just went for a ride on his bike.
The little freedoms were the best ones; whipping through the city with the nights air brushing the bare skin of his face and arms he could forget some of his problems. He'd be able to go and see her soon and get the answers to the questions that span around in his mind like houses in a hurricane. He wanted her to care, he wanted her to care because however impossible it was supposed to be, he cared.
He wasn't supposed to care. He wasn't supposed to feel. He was just supposed to be the perfect soldier.
He wanted to feel what he had before with her because it was the first time anything had ever felt like his. It was the first time that he'd made a decision to try to have something outside of the parameters he was set by them. He'd cracked and finally given in to the feelings that had overwhelmed him for weeks now.
Tonight he'd find out if he should be glad about that or not.
I never realized how lost I was without her but I always was, just some lost soldier who forgot he ever had a home...until she gave me one.
She felt like coming home. They felt like coming home. God, he hoped that she felt it too.