- IDENTIFY LOCATION: CHARMER - INTER-DIMENSIONAL IDENTIFICATION CONFIRMED : HVRA0616-9H-08
- ---INTER-UNIVERSAL DOORWAY ENTRY POINT H8 : OBSERVATIONAL STATUS - TVA INTERFERENCE: NOT DETECTED
- ----MIDGARD NORTHERN HEMISPHERE : NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT : METROPOLITAN AREA DETECTED - VISITATION CAUTIONS ADVISED : THIRTEEN (AVENGERS COMPOUND), NEW YORK
- ------KNOWN DOMESTIC TIME VARIANCE : 1:54 AM US EST : LATE APRIL 2014
=LETTERS OF TWO=
Looking out the window from the hang over his apple jacks? Tony thought, the year was turning out to be utter shit.
Most everyone was in the dumps; emotionally, or otherwise. And no, he was no exception. January and February had sucked already, as if fate were making up for all the good rolls they'd made through the bullshit both before and during Thanksgiving. Although, the Thanksgiving yuck had been very mild and Clint flavored. Which, with Lo; was pretty much a norm. A norm he should have kicked in the ass sooner; but a norm the same. The bomb; Pep's impromptu haircut that resulted along with the aftermath of a Loki who had tucked his blondy-ginger and taken it for her to the back.
The absolute pins an needles of not knowing if he'd recover; still having been recovering from a sword to the gut on top of his mom dying just a few weeks prior. The extra from Thor, and the old one eyed goat --Odin-- and his former friends during that whole mess hadn't helped; though they'd mostly worked out the general on that last: even if it was just enough to get the Thunder-bimbo's conscience moderately online enough to work with them rather than against them. Christmas night had been the high point, and the bit too good to be true.
He remembered that moment so vividly still, months later: having bailed on his own Christmas party just to end up laying there next to his unconscious and still mending friend completely at a loss where to go and what to do, if he didn't wake up in his lifetime. Which, Eir had warned them was a very real possibility; once they figured out why he hadn't woken up yet. Honestly, after weeks of taking turns visiting him and Tony being there the most; watching for any signs he might have been coming around? Tony had initially thought, in that first second that all the crazy had finally gotten to him.
But oh, man. To still remember that moment, and how fast he himself had stopped breathing and almost broken down in tears out of the shock of seeing those blue eyes looking at him?
Still don't think there's gonna be a better moment. 'Cept maybe him at my wedding.
Right there, next to him. That was a thought. Though how he would be there was the big question, now; wasn't it though.
Was that guy gonna be his best man, standing right up there with Hogan on his side of the altar; or and further in the future either way.. was it gonna be Hogan with that particular honor, and all three of them doing that Asgardian Hand-fasting thing? Or maybe.. maybe this crisis he was going through; figuring out whether he actually was bisexual or not at over forty: would crash Pep out. She still hadn't spoken to him since he'd brought home the news. Taken it as hard as everyone else; maybe harder for how close they'd gotten after she finally let him in, combined with Loki literally saving her life.
Cause nope, the roller-coaster hadn't been done with them after he woke up; and neither was Odin. Last ditch effort to convince and then argue Loki to stay behind closed doors had landed the asshat King into another Odinsleep; which he'd absolutely deserved: but they didn't. Because the result? Was Lo staying on Asgard, wearing Odin's face and ruling with such a damned good impression never mind illusion; he literally had everyone fooled. And Tony, Iona, Eir and maybe a very few of Lolo's favored former subordinates --and one partner he never mentioned as it turned out-- were the only ones who knew better.
And it had to stay that way. At least for now.
Tony didn't like it. Loki didn't like it. No one did. In part because less than a month after he'd body-swapped with the old man, it became apparent that he wasn't getting up anytime soon. And with Thor completely useless as anything more than a pretty-faced, well meaning but thoughtless punch machine by comparison to his foster brother? And, not completely on board with the mission? That left Loki in charge.
And okay, he needed to heal, and have a constant presence for a while after catching that bomb to the back out on the dock. And they had managed some really cool new galaxy maps. And some snuck-out upgrades for the tracking project.
But! That was as far as things got and, now there was this whole business in D.C. that had opened up a whole other can of worms and made it very clear that they weren't keeping even the smallest and most important part of their end up. Because SHIELD had been infested with Hydra; had the Scepter SHIELD and the team were supposed to be safeguarding: and good god, but everything was already turning into a mess, just a few months after he was gone.
Can't even hold it together for half a year with him gone, after the fact.
Nat had done something interesting in the process of helping take them down though. Interesting, and incredibly helpful in pointing out pieces he'd missed before: because in taking down Hydra and temporarily, SHIELD? She dropped their files into public domain. Like, all; their files. Tony sucked them up like a sponge. Or rather Jarvis did it for him before anything could be shut down; and on the sly if he were being honest? He had a huge part in making sure they stayed out there. Especially, those concerning Thor's first visit in New Mexico; and everything about Loki's first visit.
Why?
Because it had exactly the effect Tony wanted it to; that was why. People who had seen them, were now asking the same questions; almost as informed as he himself was. Why did Thor actively avoid explaining how he ended up on the planet, powerless even in what time he had; in the first place? Why, when he was there for the Tesseract, after shrugging off seven-six-two thrown at him from assault rifles on arrival; did he step left after Barton with his measly nine-millimeter, instead of the SHIELD director who could have ordered everyone to stand down at a single tap from that Scepter, and the Tesseract Fury was closest to?
Who did he make that deal with? Why would he do that knowing Asgard's standing with Earth, and other, more advanced civilizations than theirs capable of countering that assault if not stopping Loki then and there? Why was Thor the only one sent with that in mind? There were engineers and mathematicians speaking up about his fall out the tower and the video from his cell too. The impossibility of his missing every obstacle including his own building on the way down. The perfect angle he would have had to have been thrown at; to not lose his head to the high-rise glass or end up gutted by that glass. The fact that, it was clear Thor could break the glass to that containment cell, and Loki had known he could use the hammer he had with him to all but fly.
The conversation with Nat; more egging her on and dropping information than keeping it from her: and Coulson? Why wait for him? Why leave Barton behind too? Especially after the conversation with Romanov; that made no sense. None at all when Barton did know where the Tesseract was when the rest of them did not. Like he was just leaving that info laying around. Like, he was purposely throwing the game. This, from a literal galaxy-renowned manipulator? People were figuring out; there was a lot more to the story than what they thought. There weren't a lot of takers in the grand size of the population? And with any information, there were attempted debunkers: but the idea was slipping in.
The idea leading to the following; to bring Loki home.
To get rid of that question Happy had asked him while he'd been in a barely effective intensive care unit installed since the last time he'd been pretty much comatose, after his mom, and Svartalfheim, and Greenwich.
No, Tony couldn't and didn't want to keep him locked in the Tower, or confined to Thirteen forever.
That was ludicrous. That was .. not at all what he wanted.
He wanted to go back to Malibu with him. Take him out on the ocean after he'd admitted water sports outside of maybe boating were a no-no beneath him after a certain age.
Looking over? That partner of his, all black on black on black with ugly-creepy lines scratched into his full-face mask with no breathy-holes? Yeah he was still there. Standing in the corner, just kind of staring while he waited for Tony to finish the letter he hadn't opened yet, for half fear of what Loki had to say in their first correspondence since he'd taken the throne. And... half in fear of what he wouldn't say in it.
Because before they'd parted back in January the first time; there had been that thing that had happened. The thing he tried and always failed at not thinking about daily. That missed chance, that he still kicked himself for and sunk into lows he wished he understood better for not being fast about snatching it up. If only, to know what he himself felt. If only to know whether he would really, actually want it past the full on emotional and mental high and support of having his Lolo there again, and right next to him daily and often hourly as he had been for months.
Yours huh?
Stupid brain. Shut it.
I mean; the old man did literally hand him over to you. In chains. He never did answer about the kink.
Yeah and i didn't wanna ask again after that whole mess.
You do now though. He mentioned blindfolds and tying someone to headboard that once. Both, things you enjoy! We know this!
" ..the fuck. " was almost sighed mostly at his own random thought process before Tony used that as a sign it was time to open up the damned letter. If only to keep his stupid brain from sidetracking on remembering details of that thing; that kiss especially that Lolo had pressed so clean, and sweet, and affectionately clear through his careful mouth straight into the middle of Tony's soul that he didn't think he'd forget it to the day he died. Such a simple kiss. One soft leaning press. The feel of his fingers; where they'd been and how fragile that touch and that affection felt, from a man who was everything but that in every other way. His picky, crazy-eclectic fast friend and partner in crime.
He gave the mask another peek as he closed down most of the room into privacy mode; and yeah still there even if Tony struggled to note the guy breathing, or for that matter being there at all with where he'd tucked himself. If not for the silvery details of the creepy scratched symbol of his mask and the small matted sharps of some of the other small details: Tony would have been spooked to high hell by the way the guy just.. blended in and kept his silence. Always could tell he was being watched though. Or at least that his immediate area was, since there was no seeing his eyes either.
Not the biggest conversationalist, and that was okay. That guy, wasn't the Asgardian rep Tony wanted with him. Even if he was pretty much just the mailman. Distracted though, and his brain had no problem kicking him with the reminder.
Letter, you coward. Mailman is waiting and.. Lolo deserves a response.
It was that last that got him focusing on the tablet and reading finally. There was no salutation.. which, as he got into it Tony realized he actually liked. It was like, they were continuing a conversation they were having rather than starting one from a distance. He could pretty much hear the turns of Lolo's voice as he read. That easy rumble. The pauses and pick ups, and even the little weird things he did with his tongue, lips and hands; versus Tony's full body expressions.
" You know that you are going to have a particularly bad day, when you start it off having to force yourself to not roll your eyes, with every win you have to give an interplanetary dignitary: solely because your adoptive father is somewhat infamous for being utter shit at chess. That said, I am starting a game over our letters now and you can come back here and 'bite me' as Tasha says; if you've any plans to attempt to avoid it. That and I'll likely with-hold in kind when I do get home, and play Bruce instead. Stars knows he needs the practice. I will enclose a brief board, and to make things move along more quickly, I'll even take white and move first this time.
How is Thirteen coming, by the way? The new additions to our prototypes installed? I noted a brief blip on our frequencies, but haven't yet had the time to actually check. So far, between court, rule, and the insistence of my lovely physicians; I am mostly regulated to that plus sleep and what equates to what your folk call physical therapy.
Which I am not happy to be doing.
Yes, that deserved it's own line. Hopefully though; you've made some progress. One bonus of both being King of this gods-forsaken rock-disk, and being bedridden? Is that firstly..? As King, I am in command and watching over, the King's vault. Which means I have plenty of opportunity and time to literally lay and or sit here whilst bored out of my skull between regular exercises, to observe pretty much anything in it. Including, the Tesseract. Needless to say, that part is well in hand and I am learning more daily. "
All of which made Tony smile, at least a little. Loki was not one to sit still during his recovery after Greenwich. Or when he'd woken after catching that loaded arrow to protect their Pepper-bomb either. He had used the excuse first, of avoiding Barton; and then simply being tired of laying in bed staring at the ceiling. Which, yeah Tony did get; but he also found funny. Especially with how much there actually had been to do just literally laying all over his Jaded Halls: but especially in his immediate rooms.
That was one of many things they had that in common though. Neither one of them could sit still for long. Both of them raised up in privilege by men who wanted more but they were neither of them ever good enough for in the end. His dad, wasn't so bad, really. He had his moments. But Odin..? Odin was like taking Howard's worst parenting and personal traits and cranking them up to literal God levels, and throwing some extra favoritism to fatal levels in for good measure, if the immediate death sentence he'd intended for his Lolo was any indicator alone. The only reason he hadn't been dead, for them to get together and weasel his parol, was because of his mom.
Hate, that man: miss the lady. Too much.
Okay; that one you can keep, brain. We totally agree there.
Because, he did. Despised what he called justice between two brothers who had committed the same crimes. Hated that the bastard refused to hold any responsibility for his own actions and how they had literally made every problem Loki and Earth had with him; Tony had, with him: and still looked down his racist-ass better than everyone pretending he doesn't think he's a god anyway nose if not downright threatened everyone not his heir apparent. Odin was the worst kind of passive-aggressive to downright murderous of intent scum-lord, in Tony's opinion.
And Frigga, the poor woman? Married that mess, and took on the role of Queen. He'd asked himself before why she stayed; and why she tried to mend things --sometimes in really stupid ways, by her own admission before they had left-- but since and thinking on it? Tony understood. It wasn't just the family, and that wasn't entirely how she'd raised Lolo to think either. It was a ruling government body too; if a seriously screwed up one with the goat at the helm: but.. that was the point probably. She countered Odin's stupid. And, the mistake was rather than fixing that with Thor; they likely had expected Loki to do the same for the house Himbo. At least until he had a queen capable of doing that.
Which, was still wrong and dumb to the levels it was allowed to carry on; and asking way too much?
But Tony got it.
It wasn't that much different from running his business, before he'd handed the work over to Pep. There were things that were personal very attached, inheriting from his dad. As personal if not more so in some places than there was for Pep taking over for him as his girlfriend. But.. there was a big portion of everything else too. Employees and keeping buildings up to code, and inter-department cohesion, and insurance, benefits, and just plain making sure everything and everyone working for him was in happy working order. Or as close to it as he could get without losing something vital to the business or making the mistake of creating another, newer Stane.
'I have heard a few things however. Particularly about Fury.' did catch his eyes and bring him out of the introspection and re-hash though. Leave it to Lolo to send someone to check up on the fam now and then. 'I would like to hear more; especially given SHIELD was in charge of the Scepter. And especially from you, being there and having been able to talk to Steve about it. " had Tony pulling an internal wince though; because of course that would be right up there with 'Is Steven all right? Tasha? I understand they were in the thick of that whole mess when they came down; the other carriers I mean. They were lucky it seems, that they landed mostly in the water.' as his first line of questions. He hadn't asked a lot, actually; but yeah Tony would not deny Lolo what truth he did know.
Leave it to Loki to just jab it in there, right away though. No wonder he hadn't waited for Tony to find words enough to be the one to send a letter first. Looking up at the mask in the corner again after having read that part, he asked. " Was it you he sent over to look when things went sour for SHIELD? "
And got a " No. " that had him circling his spoon over his bowl a few seconds later when nothing else came out. At least he knew the cue though. Creepy guy. " An agent has been present here, until recently. That one was intended to watch over and deliver your correspondence to the King initially. " had Tony breathing out. " So, reading this right or not; he sent in the big gun only after the carriers hit the water? "
" Yes. "
Watching, and brows up..
Come on fella. No?
.....aiming to get a little more out him if possible.
No more than that?
" Man him and me gotta talk about his choice in go-betweens. " not that Tony wanted one to begin with. Which, was why he didn't press. Who knew how long or short this would last? And then scratches-in-my-face, Mister quiet and slick as a snake like his partner but a lot less sociable and a lot more creepy? Would probably be sticking to home-cooked work. Instead of playing interstellar mail-guy for a pair of across the galaxy best friends turned pen-pals. The thought of which, just sort of sucked the light depression back into Tony's frame and had him downing another spoonful of Lolo's favorite cereal-shaped sugar before he continued reading.
'I also want to ask about Pepper and Clint. I know you won't approve my concern on that last --' was an understatement. Barton was still in therapy. And to blame for Loki not being there, as far as Tony was concerned. He'd been grounded and then some when that whole mess in D.C. had gone down, to not take part: while Tony had been on the other side of the world, chasing rumors of a Loki sighting from twenty twelve and breaking ground on a new factory in South Korea where he met that nice lady in bio-engineering. Who Lolo would have loved to pieces, he just knew it. Which, was another reason why he was still not a Clint fan, at the moment, less than six months after Barton had snapped and fired a safe-buster at Loki with Pepper right there and in range of the destruction ether way. '--but I know a little something, about mental breaks of that kind;' did bring that mad-train down again though. Lo had admitted, more than once, that the venom at least had been real. 'and about Barton himself so: I'm concerned.'
Turned on them because it had been needed, and venting even through deception was mildly helpful: but it had, been real. So when he read next 'Please, make certain he is actually seeing his psychiatrist; and not just holding the man hostage for an hour or whatever time allotted and making him sign off on the paperwork? What happened on the dock, was as much my fault as his. If you can't ignore the root of how I arrived there Anthony, please do not ignore the root of his breakdown either. I warned you, that there was more; and that it was personal yes?' left the request sitting weird in his stomach though. Like he'd swallowed a whole section of one by four and it had turned in his stomach to make him that much more uncomfortable.
'All of that attempt at assuaging my worries for the rest set aside; I worry most about you. You never did like missing these kinds of ships hm. Sitting aside when someone actually needs you: and it sounds like Steven might have actually needed you.' hit a little closer to home than, well. Closer than Tony had even admitted to himself. In one sentence, from half a galaxy away; Loki had thrown back the curtain on what was really bothering him at that moment. Like he had never left. That thought alone, was enough to crack his veneer and almost shut him down on the spot. 'Do not, 'beat yourself up' over what lives and injuries you might have prevented, but couldn't. It is all right, if you miss some things. You are only one man. One of six people yes, but one man the same among over eight billion. If Steve could not see this coming, or Tasha; and they were that close to whatever happened: then you should not expect to have seen it yourself.' didn't help calm down the sudden rush of hurt or the ache behind it either.
'Concentrate on what you can see. Keeping the promises you already have in hand.' did a little though, and had Tony sniffing back a wet breath before he'd even known he'd been on the edge of tears. 'There are always losses, in this kind of work. firefighters, emergency medics, police, and military will all tell you the same. Sometimes, there is no way to save everyone. And I can say this from where I am, as who I am even without wearing Odin's face.' pulled it home though. Reminded him of just what the job was about in one acute set of blunt but somehow eloquent sentences that was so very Lolo to toss out there, he ended up replacing that sense of pained failure with the immediate sense of extreme loss that was summed up in the very next sentence.
'I do miss you lot though. I struggle to say the palace is quiet over all; but it is quieter, for me. There's a silent loneliness here, not fighting you or Bruce for the first cup out of the coffee machine; or winding down for dinner with Pepper talking about our day and art, and music. No Fury to poke at or Tasha to tease or tease back.. or get into soap fights with down and across the hall. No blue jeans either, or Thai food. I do miss the food especially. And prawns.. ours are purple and don't bloody taste right at all. They're almost sweet. It's not the same. And Eir keeps giving me honeyed oats when I groggily ask for cereal in the morning. So yes, I miss the food already too.' made him smirk a little at his apple jacks. Tony knew exactly where that habit came from. 'Maybe more than I miss you.' and then he was shaking his head.
Because he knew; saying it so plainly like that: that last was the one, pride-saving attempt at a lie. And a purposely bad attempt, at that. And he didn't hide it either.
" But, I would be lying if I didn't say I miss us in the bay or at chess most of all. " pulled him down a little, just a little bit at first. Reminding him of the tense but also weird fun of building a little space ship in his garage out of suit parts and his classic cars back in Malibu while SHIELD tried to cut through a foot of steel before they finished. The parts strike, and cats in Steve's shower. Nat's undies going day-glow; the dyed fire extinguisher and Clint getting an entire three gallons of lubricant in his 'knife drawer', or the McDonalds run glamoured up as the Burger King and the Wendy's face logos going through the drive-through, only to pay for the whole load in dimes because he and Bruce were literal children when high on caffeine and sugar and he frickin loved it: all that.
All that and more broke down into a few single moments of literal, ethereal magic of moonlight in the penthouse the night prior, and then sunbeams in the bay being pulled from mid air with such a simple and natural motion: a pinch of fingers to take hold of it as though it were as easy to grasp as a thread and make their thoughts, their interest, into something almost as touchable.
He took that magic with him too.
Lolo.. I want you back here.
Less than a whisper but so loud in his head from the very back the same, and Tony's eyes were flying across the words on the page anyway. Trying hard and failing still at ignoring those facts. More so for the other fact in front of him, that he was coming in on the end of that letter already. And it didn't feel like it was enough. He had to admit, it never would be no matter the reason. Even if they were good, solid, rational ones; it didn't matter when you needed someone near you, enough that reason was irrelevant. That, missing them that badly was reason enough for little else to stand up to it; even when you knew better.
'I thanked you, once or twice I think. Maybe. In two months --though it often felt far longer than that and still does in my memory-- you gave me a reason that was completely free of all the rot I could not and currently cannot get away from here, even and especially while in that man's presence for nearly a year before we first met. We haven't talked, about what expectations were there when you took me home; literally, to my surprise: but I will say you continued to surprise me immediately in outdoing mine. You put your foot down in the door of that home and that family for me; and it is better, and will always be better than what ragged and moldering scraps are left of one here. Enough that already, I want to come home; and home is not here. Not any more, and I am more glad of it than I can say.
That said! You had better take care of it on your end; whilst I take care of what I must on this miserable rock plate, both to secure what's here and push things into place so I can come back. Write me soon. Or send a video message perhaps? I haven't the capability at the moment, but once these idiots from Ria leave, count on it. Until then they're stuck in the King's hall where I am staying and are unfortunately nosy enough to likely overhear me.
Misbehave in every way I would otherwise in my stead;
~Loki'
Tony was staring at that last line somewhere between absolutely aching to see the man who'd written it, wanting to head over himself and drag him home; and smiling.
Tablet plunked down from his left. Spoon into what puddle of sugary milk was left of his apple jacks on his right; and Tony ended up tilting back in his bar chair at the kitchen island counter and closing his eyes at the ceiling with his hands hooked and woven together at the back of his neck. He didn't need to re-read it. His brain kicked in with the facts anyways.
But you will. Repeatedly, until the next one comes. Which means writing him back.
Or a video.
Your eyes are watery and red doofus, and he'll notice. He always notices. He'll get worried, and then you'll regret it; for making him worry.
" True. " stirred some motion to his left that reminded Tony he had honesty forgotten the new slash not so new Head of Asgardian Intelligence turned mail-man was even in the room. " ..god you're quiet. "
" Do you ....need, anything? " was actually, the first question he'd heard tall, dark and sleek ask, he realized.
" Just a little more of your patience. Which, " rubbing his eyes completely clear, he hummed. " well yeah, I'm gonna say you already got a lot of just standing there since you came in. Why you ask? "
" Your tears. " in that deep and raspy had Tony looking down and away.
So. This one's a blunt instrument. No wonder he keeps his mouth shut. Nothing, like Lolo.
" I'm fine mostly. Just.. missing a family member. "
And, no comment. " You want something to drink while I write him back..? I feel like I'm being a shitty host, to a guy who's literally traveled half the galaxy just to drop off and pick up my letters. " the slow tilt of that mask was.. even creepier. He didn't feel threatened per say; it was just that.. oh what even was it?Oh! Now that he thought about it; the guy kind of made him think of a reversed version of those funny little white critter-people in that one anime movie he'd seen years ago while still in college: Princess Mononoke. Tall where they were tiny. Black with the almost white silvery lines across what was passing for his face. Strong and clearly graceful where those things were pudgy and awkward; but the same weirdly creepy, wild and ethereal feel. " I need to write Eir, too. So, might be a spell. "
Looking back at him for second take? Tony nearly jumped out of his skin; because the guy was suddenly, silently, without so much as disturbing the light: right there at the corner of the island and in arm's reach. " Geez.. and now I know how you got the job. " was his second reaction, combined with a brief rub over the scar in the middle of his chest; because: " You do know I have a history of heart issues, right? " had to be put out there.
" You are friends with the wrong people, and in the wrong profession then. " actually dropped Tony's jaw a little.
Because " Wooooow.. and he's judgy too? I don'tlike you. " was mostly joking, and met only with a dry grunt. " Oh, so sorry. I did forget briefly that the whole of Asgard's humor is represented in three people, none of whom are you. " managed to get him to cross his arms though? " Really? Nothing..? Not even a light jab to the ribs.....? No coffee, or tea, or coo-- "
" Tea, actually. " cut him off mid sentence. " Rooibios if you have it. "
" .....I don't even know what that is, man. We got coffee, that orange pekoe Bruce digs, some mint and.. I think there's some lavender-jasmine hanging out up there. "
" Nothing then. "
" And he's picky, too! Damn. " was Tony shaking his head towards the idea of trying to find the balls to bring up the typing interface. Because honestly, that's all this was.
" And you, are stalling. " called it out just as bluntly as the rest of the guy's words. And smacked Tony verbally into facing it, yeah: but didn't make it any easier in doing so.
Truth be told, looking at the tablet as he picked the holo interface into place? Part of the reason it was April and he still hadn't written, was the nerves; and the fact he didn't trust himself entirely not to spew himself verbally all over the page. The fact he might lose some of his pride, and some of his face; and maybe some inkling of Lolo's respect if he read into just how desperate he was to answer and ask so many things left undone, unfinished and unattended. How badly, he wanted him not on the other end of a screen: but right there, leaning his shoulder into Tony's, and laughing at hi about writing someone else, rather than having to write him rather than speak to him in real time, face to face and close as ever: close as he'd gotten used to and gotten used to depending on being there.
Because end of the day, that was what he needed. And the way it poked it's head up and he kept going back to every connected moment in their too brief time together, told him he had to answer that kiss: and he couldn't. Not like this. Not at a distance. That wasn't fair. That wasn't a just answer, to something like that. To a kiss that felt, like that one had. Cause that kiss? That particular kiss, was the kind people hung the start of four letter words on; and Tony knew it.
Excited and grateful and scared he or what he might feel wouldn't measure up?
Even more scared he might have misread some measure of it too?
Aware of the fact, that he was on his way to fifty: halfway through his maximum expected life span.
While aware Lolo was maybe the equivalent of being thirty years old at best?
Fully aware, that Loki was in the same turn, older than him in the count of actual passage of time lived; an actual prince twice over?
And one of the most intimidatingly intelligent, beautiful people he had ever met?
Yeah and, all of the above.
And yeah, Tony was worthy; but did Loki deserve the mess that came with him, if he had read that right?
Did he want it even and really, walking out the door and avoiding putting a name to it like that before Stark could answer?
You should've grabbed him.
Or he should've stayed.
Now we have to wait.
Wait, and play this stupid game.
Wait, and try to keep up the fight without him.
And it's gonna be hard. Because, there's no more magic here for me until he's home.
Crashing in on that last one was what finally moved his fingers in a quick flick to open a new document " I fuckin' hate, Odin. " being his first words said out loud. And yeah, they followed.
'To the Dick on the Throne;
I fucking hate Odin. I do.
There, that's my one-liner to match yours. You're right, on a lot of things you said. Including the bit about not being able to save everyone. But.. it's the wish, and the drive that keeps us in that place where we can keep trying to from one day to the next. The need to be for others what no one would or could be for us, in some cases: and that does count for mine. That drive, isn't so rare as a lot of people want to pretend it is. Okay; and maybe that isn't entirely true at our level? But it remains true at it's core for most. It isn't just a human, or Asgardian thing either.
And before you start snarking and putting your smirk on, dear Richard; let me point this out: you proved that. You proved that, unknowingly or otherwise; for thousands of years, way before I was even born. No matter what the foster-cyclops-goat told you or not, I can say now with certainty that you had the capability to walk away and still have that drive; enough that you didn't use it and bail even when you could. That you're there, and taking care of the business of rebuilding outside of the palace he prioritized and more.
Don't think I didn't notice that on that last visit, either; to help me see it just as clearly as all the other opportunities confirmed that you've admitted to and they've admitted to, and I've seen and stood next to you with and for since; regardless of the discomfort and costs to get through it like the ones at that conference table with the guys and after to see it through and be able to give me that advice.
Bruce said it when he walked in on that argument after, didn't he? And I am glad I didn't interrupt him to hear him say it. That yes, you've made mistakes and yes there are consequences; but you came back and stayed and offered the help you thought you could from where and what we were when the option was given, instead of noping out. And that does count for something. That does say a lot, all on it's own; and as much as I hate you not being here: I'll say it, I'm proud to be able to see you still following through even with Asgard, even when on the personal at the very least? They don't deserve that gift, least of all from you.
But and getting back into the heart of the one thing I should've said next to the answer I didn't get to give you and can't bring myself to without having you here, starts with the fact that maybe there were expectations. Maybe there were unrealistic goals set. Definitely, there were promises made and basic contracts in the title and responsibility that comes with the word family, and father, and brother that were broken too. But in the end, you and I both were the ones to decide whether or not the actions asked of us were worthy of being taken when they weren't, and we took them. It took me getting a fist sized electro-magnet installed in my chest to keep the knots of shrapnel from my own ordinance from killing me while being held hostage purely to make more weapons to kill more people to finally, really meet that standard: but I did it.
And Odin is no holds barred a shitty person never mind a father or King, but maybe just maybe; he's the shrapnel in your chest you needed to go even further and find this family. Because let me make this very clear to you; I may have stomped my foot down in that door for us to keep it open, yeah?
But you're the one who pried off the bars, and picked the lock, and kicked it open after the Avengers Initiative was all but trashed. You pushed us, before and after. All mean gentility and throttling us into laughing, full of things more honest in intent than most people I've met manage to be about their every day for fucks sake; and yes you pushed that door open, for me to manage to land my foot here; and called it out to make us see it. That was you, not me. As far as I'm concerned sir, I just held the door for you while the others walked in complaining about how they got there half determined not to recognize it for the sakes of their own pride.
And I'm grateful, for the opportunity you didn't have to give; to be able to see and stop that idea in my own head and heart a lot sooner than I think would have been possible if not for that one measly drink, and that first shitty game of chess you let me in to play with you a year later.
Look at them now, huh? SHIELD is all but gone, less than two years later. Stane is gone and the Ten Rings are all but hiding out. Odin, put down by his own extra; for a second time and as you said it, in the same way he managed last time he tried to cover his bullshit with excuses and so called reason, when there is none good enough for the things he's done and the injustice he's been intent to serve you in particular for that millennia plus of service and more as a family member.
Fate may be a bitch? But her sister Karma sure seems to know what she's doing coming up behind her sometimes, doesn't she? At least in the long run. Cause we may be distant now; but that won't change what we are, even when we are: or that you do have a place and people to come home to because of that sister.
What was it you said, back in Malibu? Chaos is life, life has purpose in living it; and that purpose is ours alone in doing so, to discover both large and small. There's always a price, you said. And I get that this is ours right now. I get that missing all those things and more is part of it too. But I don't wanna pay more than it's worth either. So.
First and foremost and before we have any more of these, I gotta say just this once loud and clear and let you know whether I say it again or not that I want you done with all that and home, here and where you belong as soon as possible. I hate the idea of you sitting in that dirty chair with his face, and I hate the idea of his name taking in your credit; which I know before you do go, will be better in accomplishment, improvement, and grace than Odin could manage. Honestly, I hope he wakes up late, a little: just for that moment. Just for the moment, when he wakes up and looks around; and realizes the son he never really wanted did a better job of taking care of his people, than he or his actual blood son ever did for you with any actual honesty that wasn't wiped out with your attempted death sentence alone.
He deserves that. Thor deserves that. All of those there who kept silent and did nothing and threatened you after more than a thousand years of pretending your service prior, saving their lives repeatedly, saving so many others for so many years that if I lived fifteen of my own lifetimes I couldn't manage it was worth so little: deserve that, and they deserve the shame and guilt of knowing it after, if they have the conscience left or built up in them to feel it any more. For that; for that alone; and the chains through your arms he sent your off with that to the end of my days will have me seeing red still at the sight of them pierced through your damned fore arms, and the way you'd turn colors when they caught on the smallest things: I wish you could rule with your own face instead of his. Because, they do deserve the shame and guilt they should feel for these things.
And you deserve some goddamn credit for cleaning up their messes for once.
There, I said it. One-upped you a bit there on the one liners, yeah? I don't imagine that'll last for long.
We're okay, by the way. Not great, of course. The whole team was dragging already, thinking we lost you. Then there was this whole mess with Hydra. Not a name I ever wanted to hear outside of old stories the old man used to tell to punt home the horrors of science gone wrong for even worse reasons with horrifying goals. I don't know as much as I probably should, and you downright nailed the reasons why I didn't ask for more. There's good and bad out of it all in all directions. SHIELD is a mostly disbanded, under investigation mess; and the guys are with me on hunting Hydra and the Scepter down, because yeah: and I am betting that why you ask is because you already guessed they nabbed it.
You fought them back then yeah? That anti-tank factory they reactivated in Belgium during the end of the occupation there, right? Well turns out somebody early on in SHIELD thought it was a great idea to recruit what willing scientists were there still surviving into the fold, and they in turn laid low and quietly started recruiting from inside from then on. The whole organization was compromised, from the science divisions out: which shouldn't have surprised them if you ask me, given that's where Hydra's mainstay power was back during WW2 just as a start. Bad, bad idea; and whoever made that call is probably ducking their heads or turning over in their graves about now.
Though, apparently there's one grave that's empty in more than one way; and ..answers the question of how Steve is, in a pretty hard and down way. He lost one of his squad back in forty five; a guy he grew up with, James Barnes. It turns out Hydra found the guy, probably barely alive; and turned him. We don't know a whole lot about how he's survived to this point, but he has; and he seems to be pretty deep on the brainwashed end of the scale into their business. According to Nat, he's been assassinating people for decades at the least under the only previously known moniker of the Winter Soldier.
Poor kid doesn't know up from down, from what Steve did say. And I feel for Rogers, in a big way; I do. But I also think he's in hard over his head in a lot of ways too, including and especially the emotional backwash that comes with it all. I wouldn't tell you this at all knowing how you brain-pick everything even when you say you aren't; except, I know you guys got closer living together here at Thirteen with Bruce and sometimes Nat or 'he whom I am not naming til I get to him cause not over it' BUT!
No, Steve's not all right in particular; and I don't think he will be til that guy's been caught and either put in prison or being set up to be deprogrammed. I gotta be honest though, looking at what files I have been able to catch, and what little Nat put in on the side when we did talk about it? Not to mention the fact he seems to have been given Hydra's version of the super serum, and I think he maybe should manage both.
Something cushy yeah, but the man knows how to kill and has, and made a damned good effort at it with Rogers and Nat both. He's not stable, and short of you maybe wiggling Asgardian interference; I can't see this guy being safe to be around when he can shoot, stab, slash and choke his best friend without barely blinking twice. Hell, he literally did all that; and then all but threw him out of a crashing and burning carrier. Maybe, he was the one to pull Steve out of the river? We don't know for sure. But that and the fact he ran if he did, doesn't exactly settle him well on my trust meter with the lives of any of our fam. I dunno though. I wanna help, but at the same time I know Steve wants him helped versus incarcerated; and I think maybe that's asking too much at this stage. We got laws here too, and at the least he needs to think about going through the motions and making sure Barnes is capable of even being saved, first?
I really dunno Lolo. I just.. worry about where things are going in that direction. I don't know if we can help Barnes as well as Steve seems to think or at least want to believe we can. Not at this stage, when we're still recouping from losing you, and dealing with Clint being MIA, and now chasing down the glow stick of destiny all at once too.
And yeah, that's my cue to let you know he is seeing his shrinks; regardless of all his initial bluster and continued avoidance when I actually try to ask. Plural, on that too; you read it right. Tell no one, but I got that question in my head early on before you took the golden chair again; and peeked in on his assessment files, like we did with Selvic back in Malibu. I've been checking on them now and then --which I will never ever admit to, and you totally can't prove short of sharing this letter: which you better not if you still love that crappy old tape collection you dug out of that grandma's garage sale, I still eyeball that stupid box when I visit your room by the way: because the urge to burn it and replace it with a media player or CDs is real-- and yeah, he's seeing them and making slow progress. Last I looked they were thinking of letting him back into his normal routine and reconnecting with us again as a next stage in a few months.
Otherwise, we haven't seen Clint much outside of the occasional drop in or reference call. He came by Thirteen briefly after this whole thing with SHIELD and Hydra dropped, but had the good sense to avoid me like the plague.
I can forgive him for your part to an extent because you asked me to. I can forgive him in another small part for Pepper, because she's taking your same stance and as usual, more supportive of your decision in that direction than she is of me and my punch him til I feel better instincts. That said, I myself; am having a much harder time of it: and I'll ask you Lolo, not to ask for more before I'm ready. I don't know, how many times I have to say this but it's not getting any less true: Clint threw a bomb in arrow form meant to blow open safe grade steel, at my best friend. With my girl standing right there in the blast radius, even before she started to step into it's path intending to protect you, of all people.
She shouldn't have done that, no: and yeah, I get you both saying he had reason psychological and otherwise to snap. But no, he should not have been in reach of weaponry --especially that dangerous in the presence of any reason he might have had to snap in the first place. And he and Fury both should have recognized that, way before it happened. So yes, yes I do blame him still. And Nick. And maybe a little, Nat for knowing them both better too and not kicking that in the ass from her end of the line before it became a thing too, I don't know.
I do know, that I wish for all his effort alone out there and stopping your bleeding, that I could help Steve now though. That I could have been there if only for that and the fact he's part of this family too and I've started to realize that much more in your absence, how much you did for us balancing that out or dealing with this when we couldn't manage. Everything I think of, seems so small compared to what I'm looking at where he's concerned. I don't know what I would do, in his place; I'm not sure I would listen to me if I was: but, we'll figure it out somehow.
If you have any feasible ideas, feel free to send them my way. Seriously. I feel shittier in his general direction not being able to help in the after, than I do not having been on this side of the planet to help when it actually dropped in their faces. We all miss you, man. We're making due, and we will until you're home and I can drop this whole crappy if necessary lie; but it's tough the same. There've been moments already, where I've been super tempted to drop your being alive purely to redirect that depressed, kicked puppy look Rogers pretty much has on his face into something else. Even if it's just him being mad at me, because I know in the end he'll just be a little happier to be up one friend rather than down two between you and Barnes.
But then, I think of how I'll have to explain your reasoning and why you can't come home; and I know that would just set him off all over again. Did I ever tell you how he reacted when Sif let loose what Thor did to end up on Earth in teh first place? After, he'd heard what sentence was waiting for you when you left New York? I don't think I have ever seen Steve Rogers so immensely pissed off in my life. It was freaking great. Bruce and Thor and that tubby redhead all had to chip in on keeping him away from the idea of storming Odin's hall. I only got to see the aftermath on my way in with the changing of the watch? But Bruce was giggling about it on and off all the way through to February. I kind of wish he'd thought to record some of it. It'd make a cute addition to the Crazy folder anyways.
Me.. well you can probably guess. It comes and goes, but that'll end when you get back. I'm feeling around in the dark here; we all are really. You messed us up in a way. Two months, and you became a balancing link in our chain. We're disjointed and all over the place without you. Managing, but definitely better at functioning --especially outside of team-level trouble-- when you're here. Nat said it best since, I think. That you grabbed our hands when we got off the trail and yanked us back onto the path when we started to stumble. Maybe it's how long you've been at this, to know how it works in the long run; who knows.
But your absence is noted. Even by the new guy, even without him knowing who and what he's missing. You'll like him I think. I didn't get to talk to him for long, but he's sassy. A flier, too. We need more of those. I'll make a point of introducing you if I can when you get home, okay? Maybe take him and Steve out for Thai, or Korean when you get here. There's this new place down the road a few miles, I think I saw those lettuce wraps you like pictured on their menu when Nat flashed it at me. We should totally try it out as soon as you're settled back in. Oh yeah..
Video can come later punk. I don't wanna tease you with my Apple Jacks, neither: since you miss them more'n me.
:P
---Tony 'I'm in yer cupboard Richard, feedin' our mailman your lavender tea' Stark '
" I think sir, you should try the lavender before you go. " ended up more a demand and making good on that sign off than a question; and got Tony what felt like a look from..... god damn it; that man was across the damned room again. Already sitting on the sofa closer to the windows he had been tucked into the dark, supported corner near at the start. How, why, and what the fuck did it take to know when he was moving and where to when he'd started right in his peripherals. " Plus I want you to tell him you had some just to make him pout, so new rule is you owe me a tiny favor every time you do that shit where you're suddenly elsewhere, to me. "
Another grunt, and the man fluidly pulling his feet up under him knees out in that indian-style sit right in the middle and giving off the impression Tony was being stared at again; watched.
To anyone else, that and the view alone might have creeped them out even more and he knew it? And Tony was, a little angry way in the back; that this wasn't his guy. That he hadn't found a way to be there?
But otherwise? There was a strange comfort just seeing him there. Because he was proof; proof that Lo was still in this and still cared enough to put his replacement in his place. Proof that what he'd said was still true, even with the weird of not having answered that kiss: even with the feelings that probably went with that. Even with, having to be half a galaxy away taking and making an advantage out of this not just for himself to get good and truly free; but for them too. And for those things, and if only as a living and breathing example and reminder and proof that he wasn't giving up? The weird, and creepy-awkward was welcome.
So he was snagging the step-stool and reaching up there; past where Bruce kept his best South Columbian and everyone pretended they didn't know it and into Lolo's untouched, not so secret stashes way in the back of that top shelf. Just opening the tin when he got down to check it had a ton of memories. Not just Thanksgiving when Pep had brought it back from China just for him after she'd found it; but that wee-morning hours Christmas too when he'd opened her gift and all but spent the first five minutes just sniffing the tins with his nose buried in the smells, purring on his brittle-high still with those long legs tucked over Tony's legs and Pep tucked over his thighs laughing-happy at the way he showed his approval of her gift choices.
There was the coffee pot right in view while he heated up the water in it clean. Bruce had stuff here, but after Lolo had left, the guys had peeled their stuff out one and two at a time excepting Nat and Clint. Steve had made his DC apartment his mainstay, while Bruce had moved into the Tower. He didn't blame them, having to face memories like the crack in the pot handle where Bruce and Lolo had fought over the last cup too cause they were both too impatient to wait on the next brewing. Or the fact Lolo's cup was a thing that didn't move months later from right next to it.
Waiting on that hot water was a swim through the simple memories that he knew had a part in it. That drove them out of living here in Thirteen just now, recognizing these things and that the building itself was a thing he had helped find and point out and sell as a home for a family that wasn't quite able to keep from missing the hole in it with him not there. The extra bags of coffee they still had because they couldn't get the order right without his intake figured in, or the empty corner of the fridge where his newest food interest usually ended up going. The fact there was still peanut brittle in a little clear mason jar in April, labelled 'jotnar crack' with a sharpie in Nat's hand across the lid. And another full of chocolate-heavy peppermint chews he went crazy for otherwise as a downer for that high when it got to be too much.
Tony wished, he could have given another answer; other than the lie they had to tell to keep Thor from screwing all their efforts up. All Loki's efforts, to stop what was coming; and kick the bastard who forced him into coming here the way he'd had to in order to get loose, in the balls by keeping him from the reason behind it and every ugly thing the guy wanted. " You take sugar or cream? "
" Sugar. One cube. "
" You're lucky we got some leftover from his stay. " and really, he was glad that was a request as he plunked them into the cup after the pour and stirred on his way over to deliver it with the soft and buttery almost shortbread cookies sprinkled with tiny baby chocolate chips, pecans and butterscotch Bruce made and they were still calling butter-pecan because it ended up tasting like the ice cream.
Sitting in the middle of the couch the way he was; Tony didn't know the guy well enough to feel comfortable sitting next to him, and the other couch they still hadn't replaced but had cleaned of the visible evidence felt too far away, and too stained with Lolo's blood from where Steve and Bruce had brought him in and tried to stabilize him there back in early December for Tony to sit there. The scorch mark hanging over his head where he himself had made a redirected attempt at shooting Clint with a repulsor blast when he'd first really seen Lolo's state there back then, felt larger and in his view when it actually wasn't, with that brief thought. " You got a name, by the way? Something I should call you besides representative, or mailman? "
The answer didn't come right away, and for almost a solid minute Tony was trying to figure out what he was at in just staring at that slightly raised cup held so perfectly between his metal-tipped forefinger and thumb by the handle; before he produced a straw and just plunked it in there to slip the end under his mask rather than remove it.
Sip.
And okay; Tony couldn't help but burst out laughing; because, what did he just see?
Shit. That was .. " ..the most ridiculous thing I've seen in a while! " and still had him chuckling, if only a little longer. " Dude, you can take it off here really. You're good. "
" I would rather not. " in that same, bland and almost flat set of silky rasped tones. " The mask serves a purpose, even past this planet. My anonymity is needed until my service is done. For my own preferences yes. But also for others I might care about. " did pull Tony's expression down a little. Because he understood that now.
It was something he hadn't gotten when SHIELD had offered that cover for him; prior to the press conference where he'd announced himself as Iron Man. There were perks that came with that yeah; but there were prices in the realm of privacy and the privacy and safety of the people he loved too. Aldrich Killian, and how he had come after Pepper and Happy especially, was the most obvious and painful to recall points along those lines. Things that were able to happen, because he didn't keep a mask; but instead ridden his ego out and claimed it openly. To say he didn't regret it was true. But to say he did in the same stroke was true too, because of moments and events like that in his life that might and likely would never stop, if he was going to be honest with himself.
That was one of his own prices. His own consequences. And one Tony knew he'd keep paying for years to come.
" Okay. Plus Heimdall eyeballing when he can, and him having a big mouth when he opens it; that does make some sense. Fair enough. " was him coming back to that late and honestly a little grateful as he thought about it. He didn't want to get too used to this guy anyway. There was no replacement for Lolo. Not for him, and if the guys knew; not for them either and he knew it. " So, name; or am I going with snakeface? "
" Snake, face? " actually sounded like it had some humor to it, for a change. " Ironic you should choose that. Why do you? " also perked Stark's interest.
Had him crossing his arms at a slight wrap up around one shoulder and chewing the toothpick he'd snagged from the counter to one side of his mouth just looking at the guy for a few seconds before he answered. " Had a random pet boa constrictor in my teens. Alice Cooper fan and, I thought the snake was cool. Didn't last long. I had to give it up but -- "
" You are comparing me, to your pet snake? "
Got an immediately exasperated " Yes, yes I am. Can I finish? " also had the guy sipping his hot tea through his plastic straw again, making Tony shake his head at him, brows up for that moment. Because wow that was still a weird view of a very weird guy. " He used to get out of his tank without me knowing, all the time. I'd wake up and he'd be clung to my leg for the extra warmth or curled up in the window sill soaking up the sun, or dug into my desk drawer next to the heat register. There were reasons for that I didn't know and that's why I ended up giving him to a friend who knew how to care for him better; but yeah. You remind me of him. You're perfectly happy to sit sill for a half hour soaking in the room while everyone else is moving around you, but move and are right there not where I left you without a sound before I even know it. An, you hardly talk; and when you do it even .. feels, reptilian. I kinda miss that snake actually. He was still a cool pet, even if I'm not qualified to so much as own a real house plant. I'm more of a machine, virtual pet guy. So long as it don't need feeding. "
" ..thank you..? " was in those same tones again, examining and setting a cookie back down on his saucer.
" ...you're welcome. But..? "
" Ormr. "
" Assuming that's the name. " didn't receive a negative, which he was picking up was as good as getting a yes. "And the reason all that's ironic? "
" Is because; the name means dragon, or drake, or serpent. "
" Oh. " did come with a little laugh on his part, and half of a smile higher on one side. " Cool. So technically, I got my favorite pet back in the form of my new mailman; just, on two legs..? " made Tony's smirk at that mask grow a little for the fact that it actually paused that next sip from going in; and had that mask turning ever so slightly upward at his face. He was getting used to the thing, and he had to admit imagining him without was already forming as a weirder idea. The same..
For just a moment; just that little space of quiet; Tony saw a piece of humor that scratched at telling him maybe, maybe the tiny piece visible where Ormr and Loki were similar outside of secret-keeping: and why they would get along. How, Lolo could trust this guy with their most delicate, most important, and most personal secrets.
Because he was all those things. And because, even though that similarity was small; that touch of dry and brittle humor that bumped up against one of Loki's many facets to his? He probably knew Tony would see and appreciate it, even if only a little. One thing he couldn't deny was that trust though. This was Lolo's choice man for the job. Weird. Creepy. Quiet. A definite underlying sense of danger. So different from Loki, and at the same time so similar that he felt like an opposing side of his coin. Of course, this was his public replacement. Of course he'd been his partner in the shadows, for centuries.
Comparing them, then and there; as he couldn't help but do?
" Okay. Yeah; you'll do. "
Turning away with the intent, as quiet as he was without being addressed directly: it was surprising to hear a response.
" Finish the second of your letters of two then, Stark. So I might slip out the window and return with your replies. "
" Yeah.. " settling in back at the counter and his tablet leaving his new reptilian mailman to his straw-sipping, Tony realized he was grateful for that business-like, emotionless demeanor too. He couldn't handle letting another one in and letting him go.
Been there, doing that.
And it hurts.
It's Lolo I need here.
Not this guy.
But.. for a bridge? For a lantern holder, not to lose our way or sight each other in between along the path?
" Yeah, you'll do just fine I think. "