My Hair (lokiXreader)
Having messed up my sleep schedule by staying up late with everyone to watch a movie has left me here lying in bed alone with my thoughts. You'd think one movie two nights ago wouldn't mess my rhythm up that bad, but its nearing 3:00 in the morning and the only thing my brain can do is wander the halls of my mind. Having gone through the happy and sad, its now decided to crawl into the depths of the horror that's locked within the deepest closets of my subconscious. Things I rarely want to acknowledge are brought to the forefront of my being as I stare at the ceiling, eyes having been adjusted two hours ago to the pure black of the space around me.
I take a deep breath and attempt to focus on anything else. I trail my eyes along the books across the room from me which sit on their floating shelves, I try to remember the plots to one's that haven't been moved in years to no avail. I turn my gaze to another shelf full of moments from friends that I haven't seen for months, family no longer living, and pets long gone. The memories don't fade, having found a connection to everything my eyes can find. I can't attempt to lay here in silence anymore, I can't be alone with each part of my life connecting to this horror that drains me. I try to find anything in my room to focus on without a tether to them as my eyes find the empty dishes on my desk. Even having a connection there, at least it'll give my brain somewhere to go.
I leave my bed and gather the dishes before exiting my room for the kitchen. I let my door hang open as my bare feet pat down the cool hallway floor to the shared cooking space amongst those on this level of the compound. The almost-too-long pajama pants I wear cuff around my heels and drag along the tile as I enter the kitchen, placing my dishes into the dishwasher and leaning against its door once I've closed it. I run my hands from my temple to my neck in a groan, annoyed by the lack of sleep and the replaying train of thought I can't escape.
My annoyance shifts to anger as I stand in the kitchen with my neck in my hands, eyes closed, allowing the emotion to wave over me. I stay in my anger as I feel my cheeks become red. I need to scream or throw something, I want to pick a fight but I know I can't do that. Instead, I choose to walk down the stairs and outside to allow myself the space to complete the cycle of anger. My bare feet reach the concrete outside as I pull the sweater I'm wearing from my elbows down to my wrists to shelter me from the night breeze.
I keep walking until I reach the ledge overlooking the water behind some garages on the compound, figuring this is far enough away no one will hear or see whatever I need to do to relax. I take in a deep breath, closing my eyes in one last attempt to calm myself. Instead of calm, rage knits its way into my lungs and I exhale with a scream. Its not a scared scream, nowhere near a fearful one. This scream is the pure emotion of anger that I can do nothing about. I scream over and over again, gathering rocks as I do to throw them into the water.
As I scream words slowly start to spill from my mouth to accompany the pain, "All I needed was a parent!" A rock is thrown, "I just needed you to protect me!" A ripple onto the water, "You made me a horrible person!" Tears join the scream, "You had one job and you went against everything in the book!" More rocks are chucked into the water, the ripples on the surface matching the sobs in my chest. I cry and scream for the person I should've been, not the one I was forced to become. Not this person forced into training, stripped of all emotional value at the hands of the one whose only purpose was to protect me. I cry at the trauma they made me endure to become a better person. I scream to the parent who crushed me by entering me into the red room by my hair, destroying every chance I had to be a good person.
Eventually my legs give into the tremors of anger and sadness and I crash to the ground, head in my hands as I scream again. My loose hair cradles my face in the wind surrounding me as my palms hold my body up from the ground in sobs. Slowly, the sobs become less intense. My body hangs in the wind like the sweater from my chest, allowing the weather to sway me. I'm pulled from my stare into the concrete by a gentle touch to my back which jolts me just enough to turn and grab the wrist, bending it back to nearly snap it. As I grit my teeth and turn, the body which extended the arm bends to their knees in reaction -saving their arm from cracking.
I stand above the figure with a tear stained face, holding their wrist and arm in my own as I make out their features in the dark. The image of Loki sits before me, his face sewn with slight fear and a tinge of pain as I pull his arm. I let go slowly and apologize as my face falls into a neutral state, "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you." I set my shoulders back and stand, taking a deep breath of control within myself.
He stands slowly and watches my body language before relaxing himself. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
I slightly chuckle and give a sympathetic half smile, "Yeah, for sure. Just a typical Tuesday night meltdown." I turn away from him to look back out at the water, this time holding onto the bars that separate me from it. I break the silence Loki allowed as he joins by my side, "How long were you here for?" My eyes cast over the water in refusal to look at him for his answer.
From the corner of my eye I watch as he does the same, not wanting to fully admit to the length of time he was witness to, but he does admit. "I'd been on my balcony when you made your way here. I assumed you were sleepwalking, which was abandoned upon your screams. I stayed to make sure you got back inside." I see the knuckles of his hands whiten as he flexes the bar beneath them.
I take a breath, "I'm sorry you had to witness that. I came here so no one would have to be exposed to it." I chuckle lightly and look at my hands, "You probably think I'm a way different person now." I swallow hard and force a smile as my nails rub against each other.
Loki's body turns to face me and I remain as I am, "If I didn't want to witness it, I could've left. I'm sorry I invaded your personal space."
I hadn't expected any reply even matching that, which causes me to turn my head up and face him. His eyes are soft, reflecting that he understands what he just witnessed. The emotions plastered on his face cause my chest to tighten again with tears and I give a polite smile to avoid them as I look away from him. "Thank you for apologizing, and, I think, thank you for staying." My breath finally returns to its natural rhythm as I return his gaze after saying what I need to. His face remains in the gentle tone which causes me to soften more, having no more tears and just needing to be held. Almost as if he can read my mind, Loki opens his arms and I fall into them as I hold his frame.
He squeezes me back, so hard I almost fall apart again but I don't; not until he starts petting my hair. I immediately yank myself from his arms which causes a panic on his face. My shoulders shudder with the shiver that runs down my spine at the thought of someone's hand on my hair and I have to close my eyes to remove the focus. I open them again to see a nearly scared Loki with a hand extended to me, not sure if he should touch me. I let out a short, forced exhale from my nose and force the I'm-okay smile to him as my breathing relaxes again. I nod to him once I'm completely okay and give him the answer to a question he doesn't know how to ask, "My hair, I can't do people touching my hair."
He apologizes instantly, "I'm so, so sorry, I didn't know."
"How could you? Don't apologize." I once again give the polite smile and it causes his brows to furrow.
"I'm going to apologize, whether or not I knew to do so or I didn't. Simply because I didn't intend to, does not excuse the fact I've upset you." Loki reaches for my hand and I allow it as he speaks.
Once again catching me in a response I've never expected, the tightness in my chest I hadn't noticed relaxes. I close my eyes and exhale into a genuine calm smile. His fingers squeeze mine and bring me back to the moment as I open my eyes to his. "Would you like to come to my room? I could read to you? Would that help you sleep?"
I think about the offer; at first I'm tempted to invite him to my room but there are still too many things connecting to my nightmares. At least in his room I could connect very little to nothing, so I finally nod a yes in response. "Are you alright if I teleport us there? Or would you prefer to walk?"
Realizing I'm shivering from the cold I reply, "I'm okay with you taking us." With no warning my feet are moved from the hard ground to a soft carpet and my body starts soaking up the warmth in the room.
Loki leads me to his bed where he lets me sit under the covers as he sits on top, conjuring a small cup for me. I take the warm mug in my hands and inhale the wonderful smell of chocolate and rejoice in the perfect hot cocoa he's given me. A small smile tugs on his face as he leans against the headboard with a book. I turn and set the now empty cup on the nightstand as I make myself comfortable under the blankets.
Loki stays a distance away from me to allow me my space in personal comfort, even if I'm in a foreign bed. My hand sneaks over to his, wanting physical touch, as I slowly drift to sleep. With my fingers entwined with his, Loki's soothing voice fills the room with descriptions of a world I'll never see and dialog of characters I have yet to meet.