Choosing (bucky)x(reader)
Changing out of work clothes and into comfy ones is rarely ever such a draining task, but today I caught my image in the mirror. Passing by the large rounded frame near the entrance to the bathroom, I lift my dress over my head and toss it into the hamper on the inside of the doorway. I grab a hair tie from the sink and start to pull my curtain of curls into a bun as I catch my own attention in the reflection of the glass, showing me the black bra and underwear my body adorn. A sight that I've gotten used to, one I've appreciated, made me stop and take myself in. Enjoying the way my waist counters the curve of my hips and chest triggers my hand to fall down my skin in appreciation, but turning to the side told a different story.
Turning to the side makes my smile fade from joy to tolerance and I thank my body for doing its job of housing me before turning away. As I make the three steps from the mirror to the dresser across the bed my mind runs through three thoughts: I am gorgeous even if I don't see my body in the media, my body does the job I need it to do, he sees me naked. The first two being a conscious effort to remind myself of the truth and the last being a weighted fear being dropped in my chest to my stomach. I stop pulling the top drawer out where I had intended to grab a tank top and short sleep set and stand frozen in my thoughts.
Unable to pull myself away I allow myself to feel the emotion in its entirety, hoping it would cease in a few moments if I just let it happen. But it didn't stop, the fear grew larger and then folded in on itself to form guilt. I fear the truth of someone so conventionally attractive seeing me naked, living with me naked, having sex with me naked. Then the guilt of maybe I was forcing him to stay, maybe he felt so bad for me he didn't want to leave, maybe he didn't realize how amazing he was and thought he deserved the image of me instead of that equal to him.
Bucky broke my thoughts by entering the room and placing a hand on my arm as he noticed the tears dropping from my eyes before I did. My stare into the wooden top of the dresser broke to find his eyes, the image of his face blurry through the downpour I hadn't realized was happening. I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes as I chuckle to ease the unspoken worry from the man in front of me. "Gods, I didn't even know I was crying." I smile and continue my search in the drawer to settle on an oversized sleep shirt and black shorts.
Obviously confused by my actions, the hand on my arm rubbed a small path of ease as he spoke, "Honey, what's wrong?" Bucky's head tilts to match mine as my stare remains in the drawer unable to move from his question.
I place a masking smile on my face and take another breath, regaining the natural pattern I'd lost while crying. "It's nothing, honestly, I'm alright." I place my hand on his cheek and peck the other to ease him. Stepping towards the bathroom, I side eye the mirror and unintentionally let the smile drop to a flat line as I cross the doorway.
I step into the washroom in front of the sink to be faced with another mirror, making me pause again. I go through my mental list of reminding myself I am worthy and beautiful and nice, reminding myself to love me. A nearly pitiful smile forms on my face as his figure enters from my left to join me in the tiled room. Bucky wraps his arms around me as his body steps behind me, his waist disappearing behind my own. In fact, the only portions of his body that can be seen are the arms draped over me and his shoulders that rise above mine in height.
I take a mental note of the picture I see in front of me and replicate the smile he's casting to me in the mirror. My hands remain on the ball of fabric they hold, using the shirt and shorts to cover my stomach in the mirror as naturally as possible. The man behind me sets his chin on my shoulder and hums lightly in bliss. I allow a small laugh to escape my nose along with a closed mouth smile as I watch him.
"My gods, who gave you the right to be so incredibly beautiful?" He questions lightly into my ear as he places a gentle kiss on my shoulder and returns his chin to its position.
I half smile in response, "Probably the same people who made me so funny."
A small giggle escapes the frame behind me as his cheek turns to rest against my shoulder, watching my face in the mirror. "Everytime I look at you I fall in love a little more. I didn't even think it was possible to adore someone so much."
I roll my eyes with a sarcastic smile, "At least make me dinner first." I poke at his arm on my left as I raise my eyebrows to him.
Instead of laughing and letting go like I thought he would, Bucky's brows knit together, "You think I'm complimenting you to sleep with you right now?"
Allowing my face to match his confusion, "I guess so, yeah." My gaze leaves the face I've been watching in the mirror and finds my hands in front of me. I use the empty one to pull his hands away as I put the sleep shirt on, drowning my frame in a two-sizes too big sea of fabric. I set the shorts on the sink, honestly too embarrassed to put pants on in front of someone at the moment.
I turn around away from the mirror and turn my chin up to face him, smiling once again, "What are we gonna have for dinner?" I try to return to my usually bubbly act as I add a small bounce from the ball of my feet.
His facial features still contain a hint of confusion and now almost frustration, he allows them to soften just enough to respond without a tone he doesn't mean. "I'm okay with whatever you want, love."
I give a smile in response and scrunch my nose to really sell that I'm okay as I turn to the door and start to cross the bedroom. Before I can exit my steps are interrupted by a question.
"Hun, can we talk real quick?" I take a hard stop without turning around, the knot in my chest forming as I look to the floor.
"Yeah. Of course." I turn to face him and give a small smile before sitting on the foot of the bed. I watch as he paces in front of me, making the pain in my heart worse. Seeing as he hasn't started any topic I begin, "Look, I understand if you want to…" my gaze drops to the floor, avoiding his figure as I search for words and swallow the tears,"I understand if you want to... stop." My eyes slowly rake up the nearly statue-like frame in front of me to find terrified eyes.
"Stop?" The word barely escapes his mouth as he takes in what I've said. Bucky shakes his head and raises his hands in front of him, "Oh gods, no I don't want to 'stop'." He takes a step towards me and the knot in my throat grows larger, "That is not the topic of this conversation, that will never be a topic we discuss. Not from me." Terrified eyes find mine once again, a hand reaching for me, "Do you want to stop?"
I take a moment to breathe as I take in the man before me. Bucky's eyes are petrified, extended hand shaking and his tear ducts filling with water. My bottom lip starts to shake as I open my mouth to reply but knowing if I tried to make any noise a flood would escape my eyes, so I settle for an instant shake of my head as my hand meets his between us.
He takes my hand and pulls my body from the bed into his and nearly crushes me in a hug as he calms his breathing against me. I squeeze him just as hard, my fingers clutching the fabric of his shirt as silent tears escape into the privacy of his chest. We stand for a couple minutes in each other's arms, I pull back slightly when I hear small sniffles. I watch as Bucky's hands rush to his face in an attempt to hide his tears and I replace his fingers with my own, brushing the tears away.
He's the first one to break the silence with a small laugh through a stuffy nose and smile to ease his tension, "I'm sorry. I was so scared you wanted to end this. I know it hasn't been long but I just," Bucky closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath before opening them again, "I just really don't want that to happen." His hands find my hips and I slightly twist my body in response, unconsciously moving his hands to a more flattering position.
His eyebrows return to the frustrated confusion state again, "Why do you do that?"
Having regained my voice, I finally speak, "do what?"
"You pull from my touch, turn away from it sometimes." The pain returns in the color of his eyes as he swallows a bit too hard.
Having barely noticed myself I'm a bit taken aback by his own consciousness to it, "I don't even realize I'm doing it the majority of the time." I scrunch my nose as I think and my line of focus drops to his chest. "I guess I don't want to be touched there."
"You don't want me to touch you?" Bukcy's voice now small, he starts to pull his body from mine and I protest, placing his arms back on my waist.
"No, that's not what I mean. It's like, when you touch me where… I don't know, where there's more.. chub? I just know it's not ideal so I try to move you to a better option. One that's a little more normal?" I attempt to explain my feelings out loud while my eyes go from chasing a train of thought on his chest to screwing shut. I bring my hands to my face to cover it out of embarrassment and hear the sigh of relief in front of me.
Hands slowly pull mine away from my face that's once again slowly draining itself of tears and a thumb pulls my chin up to face him. "Doll, I know exactly where I'm placing my hands." A slight smirk crosses his lips as he rubs the side of my face.
Frustrated now myself I let my thoughts leave my mouth, "Why do you stay here with me? Why do you do anything with me? It makes no sense. You are this gorgeous godlike being who could have any single person they wanted yet you sit here every night with me watching stupid TV. You could have supermodels for gods' sake! And you're over here bumming it with someone who has to go to a special section of the store for jeans! Why do you think you only deserve my attention when you could have anyone else's?" What started as silent pleas turns into a near yell of rage as I become overrun by my own fears falling from my lips.
The range of emotions crossing the face of the man in front of me during my rant moved so quickly I couldn't pinpoint any of them as I pushed myself away in a small pace before him. "You're so incredibly beautiful and yet you lower yourself to me!" I release the final tension, the final fear as a sob escapes with it. In anger and sadness, I return to my seat on the end of the bed and cross my legs to prop my hands to my face, elbows connecting to my knees.
I sob for a moment before taking a deep breath to calm myself and keep my head on my hands, "I'm sorry." I croak a small apology as I watch the floor for his feet to leave.
Instead, they come towards me and Bucky falls to his knees to allow our faces to be level. He sits without touching me as our eyes find each other and I let the silent tears drop, waiting for him to speak. "You're right," he starts, "I could have my pick of anyone walking down the street. A supermodel even," I take a deep breath at his confirmation, "but I don't want anyone else, I want you. I don't think I deserve anyone's attention, not even yours. I'm not lowering myself to be with you, I'm forcing myself to climb mountains to earn the right to be by your side. You're such an incredible person."
His hands finally come to my knees as he continues, "You're the kindest woman I've ever met. No matter your own emotions, you turn and make sure everyone is taken care of. You'd give your last wish to someone who wanted it even if you needed it. Your laugh lights up every room you're in, even if someone isn't in your direct conversation." He smiles up to me, "You're funny, and you better accept that because its the only time I'll admit it." We both giggle and I let the small smile rest on my face while he talks.
"Darling, you are the most gorgeous creature on this entire planet. Inside and out. I could go on for days about how much I adore you - from the incredibly detailed way the dishes must be put away to your frizzy hair in the morning after you've fallen asleep with it wet. If you think I could admire your crazy car concerts but not your incredible hips then you're insane." Bucky smiles and teases me as his hands find the pockets of tub on my sides and squish me.
"Love, you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and that will never change. The beauty you hold is everything about you, it's not one thing or the other. I don't tolerate this to get that," He shrugs towards the arbitrary words, "I don't tolerate anything about you, in fact. I adore each and every bit. Because if I didn't then I wouldn't love you, if there was anything I didn't love then I wouldn't be loving you. I'd be loving parts of you and I could never do that."
Sobs formed in my chest again, but on the other side of the spectrum. Bucky scoops me into his arms by pulling his own under my pits and holding me in his lap as I cry into the words he's just said. I cut off my emotional tears with laughter and he responds with a confused smile as I peer out from behind watery lashes to him.
"I do not have an incredibly detailed way of putting the dishes back." I mock his words with a faux glare and giggle and a chuckle rises from his chest.
"Oh, you absolutely do. You've nearly lost your head because I put a bowl on the wrong side of the shelf. The whole shelf dedicated to bowls, tell me how that makes any lick of sense." A wide smile fills my face as we laugh.
I smile as we calm down, "I love you." My reply is met with a soft kiss to the lips and a suggestion of pizza for dinner.