Bedtime Shorts

A continuous stream of cold air wraps around my body as I lay on the couch out on the patio. The chill wakes me up as I shiver and open one eye to see the sun has set, taking the warmth with it. Realizing now that I had dozed off while reading the book Bruce had suggested to me, I slowly sit up and make my way inside to the warmth of the floor fenced in behind the glass walls. 

Latching the door behind me, I make my way to the counter top and set my book aside in search of a drink to cure the pain in my throat from inhaling the dry air in sleep. Settling on juice from the top shelf of the fridge, I pull it out and search for a cup in the cabinets above the sink. Claiming a cup as I fill it with the sweet relief of an apple I turn my back and lay my elbows on the counter, allowing my forehead to rest against the hand without a cup. 

Distractions as of late were not enough. No book, show, movie, or hobby could distract from this constant weight in my chest. I can't even pinpoint what it is, let alone the cure for it. Instead I try to fill my time, try to shove out this foreigner that resides within the cage of my ribs and replace it with something of less mass. Finding no antidote, I continue to distract and disturb myself in an attempt to avoid my truth. 

I let myself sink into my sorrow and self loathing for who knows how long when a small bump of noise breaks my focus. I tilt my head in the direction and see Bucky come around from the hall which leads to the bedrooms. Catching eyes on me at the same time, he gives me a small nod with a force twitch of a smile. 

I return the nod and take a sip of my juice, soothing more irritation before attempting to speak. "Sorry if I woke you up." I tilt my glass towards the wall now behind me, the one his room shares with the fridge and sink. 

"You didn't." I watch him as he delivers his monotone response and retrieves a cup. Bucky joins me at the counter, sitting across from where I stand and claims the juice container for himself. 

After he pours his own refreshment he raises his glass to me and I clink the rim of my cup to his with a small smile. We both sip for a couple of moments and I allow my eyes to cross back out onto the views of the city through the walls behind him. 

Breaking me from my trance, his rough voice questions, "What are you doing?" 

My eyes are brought back to him, "I was reading, but I fell asleep and the cold woke me up." I sit my cup down on the counter as I speak, pointing to the patio area from which I had entered. 

"Mmm, I don't mean now. I mean in general." Once again in a low and nearly grouch of a voice Bucky clarifies. 

My eyebrows pull together in confusion as my tongue flexes with my jaw, "In general?" 

"You've tried at least four different art styles this week, and that's the sixth book I've seen in your hands in two weeks." He takes a moment to point towards the book sitting on the counter beside me, "And I think you've seen every single movie on Netflix at least seven times. So yes, in general. What the hell are you doing?" Bucky finishes his drink, setting the cup down as he crosses his arms and leans over them. 

Honestly surprised by the odd amount of attention he's paid to me I get slightly nervous, "Oh, I, um. I'm sorry if that's annoying. I didn't think I was getting in anyone's way. I'll try to pick my stuff up more often." I speak my thoughts aloud, assuming this is because of the small craft clutters I've left in between projects. 

My eyes fall to scan the counter and I take a hold of my cup, turning to place it in the sink. When I turn back around to grab the juice container to put it back on its shelf in the fridge, Bucky's hand lands over mine. "You're not in anyone's way." 

My eyes go from where our hands meet to his eyes which are now almost comforting instead of their normal shell. Unsure of how to break the silence, I turn my lips into a small smile and nod as I pull both my hand and the container away. 

After putting the juice away I turn around to grab my book and go to my room but I'm met with a wall of body. Bucky's hands now rest on the top of my arms and keep me steady. 

"What's wrong?" His voice is low and gentle, but clearly done walking around the question. 

My heart clenches at the words, this is the first time anyone has asked me. An uncontrollable wave of emotion rises in my chest and makes its way to my throat, creating a knot which blocks my speech. 

I give a small shrug in response as tears poke into my eyes and I bite my bottom lip to cease its quivering. I take a hard swallow and a good breath in through my nose to bat away the urge, "I have no idea." My voice escapes in a near strangle as I keep my composure. 

"Is it alright if I hug you?" Bucky's eyes scan my face and his arms wrap around me as I give him another nod. He holds me tight but not crushingly which causes my arms to latch around his wide frame and the walls around me slowly start to crack. 

I pull myself back from his body, releasing my hands from their clasp behind him and he gives way to the pressure. "I don't want to cry." I take another deep breath as I blink and a tear falls from my left eye. 

His hand immediately runs a thumb over my cheek to remove the evidence, "Then we aren't going to cry. Come on." He runs his hand down my arm in a soft touch and offers his hand to me. 

I take it as he guides us to his bedroom and I step hesitantly behind him. "Want to watch a movie with me?" He drops my hand once we get inside and he shuts the door, pointing to the television set up across from his bed. 

"I do." We walk to the end of his bed and he sits down, patting the spot beside him. I look at him and unintentionally show uncertainty on my face. 

"I'd like to show you my favorite distraction. We can sit on the floor, or I can pull in a couple sitting chairs if that makes you more comfortable." Bucky rises from his spot on the bed, obviously realizing how this looks as he nears the end of his sentence. 

I raise my hands to him, now feeling comfortable in the space, "No, no. The bed is fine. I needed the explanation." I thank him as I relax onto the foot of his bed, crossing my legs and watching the display turn on. 

The screen brings up a soft romance movie as Bucky pushes himself to lean against the headboard and turn the volume up slightly to better hear it over the fan in the corner of the room. For the first twenty minutes of this classic movie I stay at the end of the bed, enjoying the memories I have from watching it with my father when I was younger. 

As I become uncomfortable with my seat, I extend my legs toward the headboard and lay on my stomach with my head over my crossed arms. Eventually Bucky joins me though I never notice when. By the second portion of the movie we are both laying on the bed in a ridiculous way, giggling at the fiascos of the love interests and end up pushed against each other with our feet dangling off the edge. 

I realize how close we are as I center in on the soft stroke of his thumb against my arm. I turn my neck to watch as his facial features are completely relaxed in a soft smile which lights up every few minutes into a laugh towards the TV. I must have been staring at him for a while now because all of a sudden he's looking at me with that same blissful smile the movie conjured. 

I smile right back to him as my shoulders turn and both meet the mattress while I turn my head back over to the left to continue watching the movie. Bucky stays laying on his left side propped up by his arm and never stops the soothing patch his thumb has claimed on my right arm. I feel as he slowly and cautiously moves his hand towards my wrist and hesitates. Without needing to look at him, I pull his fingers and interlock them with mine. 

We lay like this until the end of the movie, his fingers entwined with mine and our arms tucked over my torso. The end of the movie brings one more giggle from the both of us and the credits roll. The joy still plastered on my face, I turn my head to him to praise him for his choice in distraction. 

"That movie is very good, one of my dad's favorites. We watched it a lot when I was growing up." 

A chuckle escapes Bucky, "I saw it when it came out in the theater." This causes the first genuine laugh to escape me for the first time in the past month which brings a wider smile onto Bucky's features. "It's my go to when I just need to forget about things, usually to remind myself of who I am when sometimes I'm not sure." 

"Thank you for sharing it with me." I smile up at him as we stay in our comfort. 

An eyebrow raises on his face with a crooked smile, "Well I don't know if I can take that credit. You were practically saying the lines when they were spoken!" 

I laugh again and shrug, "Okay, that's fair. But you weren't really sharing the movie with me. You were sharing your comfort, your safe space. And I appreciate that, I appreciate you." My smile remains as I watch his face. 

The smile settles on his lips but the joy remains within his eyes and he squeezes my hand gently. "Thank you." Both of us with joy in our chests, we lay and take in the other's features. 

Purely enjoying the creature in front of me for who he is, I decide to turn onto my side and mirror his posture as I push my hair behind my ear and out of my way. He slightly readjusts himself and a strand of hair falls across his face, intersecting his line of sight. I use the hand which isn't propping me up to brush it out of his face and allow my hand to linger behind his ear then resting it against his cheek. Bucky's eyes flutter shut as he gives a relaxed exhale and sets his hand on top of mine, maximizing the surface area against his face. 

With my thumb on the apple of his cheek I mimic the caressing he had given to my arm throughout our distraction. I watch as his shoulders relax and muscles in his face unclench. I lay my head against my own arm and let my own eyes close, just enjoying the silence between us as the white noise of the fan fills the room. 

Not evening noticing that I had drifted off, I'm awoken slightly by warmth to my forehead which I deduce is a pair of lips. Not wanting to move and knowing it's safe, my eyes remain shut and my own shoulders relax. I feel a cover being tucked over me and I realize my feet are now on the bed and my head on a pillow. I nuzzle my face into the pillow and reach out for warmth but my hand is intersected first by a long gap of cold and then a blanket separating the body I was reaching for. 

I open my eyes weakly and see that Bucky had laid on the opposite edge of the bed from me, wrapped in his own blanket. I furrow my eyebrows and push a breath out my nose in an attempt to huff. This seems to at the very least get his attention and from his position on his back, one eye opens and his head turns to look at me. 

I reach out again while I extend and collapse my fingers a few times and give a slight grunt to him. I watch as he turns on his side to face me and holds my hand. Unsatisfied with his reaction, I kick my blanket off and scoot myself over to him. I push myself into his chest and feel him tense, then relax as a chuckle rises from his chest. He peels his own cover away from his body and wraps it around my back so that I'm now under his tent of warmth. 

I use his arm as a pillow and force his spare arm around my torso and suck up his heat, wrapping my top leg around his waist and sink into his chest. Feeling only a small weight in my chest and no fear, I allow myself to drift into sleep as my comfort lay in my arms.