Angst
***[Wanda]***
Being in a relationship that's a secret isn't easy. Natasha and I have been together for a year now and I want to tell the team about us because they're our family and we both know that they would support us. But Natasha doesn't want to not even Clint and Laura, the two people we're closest to. I don't get why she wants us to be a secret when the team is either part of the LGBTQIA+ community or an ally to the community. I don't get it because she was so open about wanting to be in a relationship with Bruce before I joined and Steve knew hell even Laura knew which is where I learned about her and Banner's relationship. She is probably embarrassed by you or just using you for sex or humoring you because you are broken and have no one so you're easily manipulated. The little voices sounded off in the back of my mind which caused me to internally flinch. Ever since getting into a relationship with Nat, the little voices have gotten louder, all the insecurities that I have and doubts about my relationship with Natasha were amplified especially at night when Natasha is asleep beside me. I made my way out of the covers careful not to wake the sleeping widow beside me and left my room. I padded to the balcony of the common room needing air from my suffocating room. I tilt my head back to look at the stars, reminding me of when Pietro and I would stargaze when we couldn't sleep. Memories of those flash in my mind, a small smile graces my lips as I take comfort from those happy memories. After a while, I felt a presence join me. I slightly turn my head to see Bucky.
" Hey," I greet him before looking out at the open field.
" Hey," comfortable silence draping over us.
" Nightmares?" I break the silence after a while needing something to distract me from my own thoughts. Before Bucky and Steve got together, Bucky and I would cross paths with each other during random hours of the night. We'd either talk or just stay in silence enjoying each other's company.
" Steve usually brings me back from them but he's currently away," he tells me.
" He'll be back soon," I tell him which is true since Steven is returning in an hour or so.
" How about you? Nightmares or Natasha?" he asks taking me back by surprise.
" How- I'm not blind little red and Natasha has changed over the year so have you. You guys are happier and relaxed than I have ever seen before especially when you guys are with each other," he tells me and I couldn't help but smile. " I'm happy for you guys, you guys deserve each other." he pulls me into a hug which I instantly melted into it and it's times like this when I miss Pietro. I'm meant to be having a conversation like this with him. He's the only one that can pull me out of the dark but he's no longer here. I didn't realize I was crying until I heard Bucky's panic tone.
" Hey, hey what's wrong? Are you in pain? Should I get Nat?" I shake my head and wipe my tears away.
" I'm okay, I promise just have a lot of things going on in my mind," he hugs me tighter.
" I'm here if you ever wanna talk about anything," he tells me relating me from the hug and going to holding my hands.
" I know," I replied absent-mindedly. We make small talks for an hour since neither of us could fall back to sleep until we hear the familiar low hum of the quinjet engine landing signaling Steve's return. I watch as Bucky's eyes light up at the sight of the jet which held his boyfriend inside. I'm truly happy for him, after all, he and I went through with Hydra, I'm glad one of us gets their slightly 'happily ever after'. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with Nat but let's just face the fact that being in a relationship for a whole year and it's kept as a secret, makes me feel like I'm back in the closet again. After denying that part of myself for so long and then I was finally comfortable with myself and accepted who I was only to get in a relationship that makes me feel like I'm denying myself again. I know she's going through her own things and that she's still getting used to the fact of having someone to come home to when she comes home from missions and things. I understand that she can't say those 3 words yet or never since she was raised to believe that love is for children but I wish she'd acknowledge our relationship out our bedrooms or at least let Clint and Laura know.
" Go Buck," I push the former Winter Soldier towards the door so he can go greet Steve, he laughs before kissing my head. He was like another brother to me and our trauma with Hydra only brought us closer to each other.
" Love you," It had been a joke when we started saying that to each other but along the way, it became genuine. A reminder that we aren't alone and that we understand each other in ways no one else can. It was almost like having Pietro back in a way.
" Love you too, you dork," I say, smiling at him. I was left alone on the balcony once he went to greet Steve. After a while of being alone, another presence joined me, a presence I knew by heart as familiar arms wrap themselves around my waist from behind. Natasha. My Natalia.
***[Natasha]***
I woke up to an empty bed, making me frown as my eyes adjusted to the dark to look for Wanda. I grab my phone from the nightstand to look at the time which is 2: 22 a.m. Her side of the bed had gone cold which indicates that she's been gone for a while now. I got up and grabbed one of Wanda's-formerly Clint's- hoodies and tossed it on. I made my way to the common room where the little witch was mostly like at which I was right when I see her on the balcony. I hug her from behind, resting my chin on her shoulder, taking comfort in the way she feels in my arms. I watch as Stuck -Steve and Bucky- reunite with each other kisses. I force myself not to cringe, I can never imagine being that type of couple but they're so happy with each other and that makes me happy for them. I'm happy right now with the woman of my affection in my arms. I kiss the back of her head noticing something was wrong.
" We need to talk," Wanda says and my guard went up at the sound of her tone. Nothing ever comes out good when those words are said.
" Umm sure," I say detangling myself from her. She turns so we're face to face.
" Bucky knows about us," at first I felt nothing other than anger. She broke her promise.
" You told him?! You broke your promise!" I angrily say. Of course, I was mad, she broke her promise to me, the one she wore on her dead twin brother. She promised she'd wait for me to be comfortable to tell the team.
" Of cour not! But what is so bad about him knowing or even the team?" She asks. " Are you embarrassed by me?" I laugh as if what she ask was hilarious.
" Aw that's cute that you think you're important to me that you could embarrass me when the truth is you aren't," I say.
" Then why be with me?" her voice broke.
" You were an easy mark, you lost your brother and had no one. You were so desperate for people to like you that I pitied you. Pathetic that you actually that I had feelings for you when you were nothing but sex to me," I didn't know what I was saying at all, all I felt was anger and betrayed and had let it consume me.
" Good to know I was nothing but sex to you, Agent Romanoff," She says her voice thick with sadness. The sight of her walking away only pissed me off more for some reason.
" We're not done talking Maximoff," I growl.
" I think we are," her hand glowed its familiar scarlet powers as I felt my world slip from me. The last thing I saw was her lowered head, sobbing.
***[Wanda]***
I knock Natasha out which pained me to do but I just couldn't deal with what she was saying. She had just confirmed all of my insecurities and doubts about our relationship. I didn't know how to feel. What was one supposed to feel when the love of their life tells them that they meant nothing to them and was just used for sex? I felt everything yet at the same time I felt nothing. No one would love a freak monster like me. I hate myself for believing that all those moments between us were real. None of those were real at least to her, it was just an act for her and I should have known but I let the hope inside me grow and let myself be fooled by her. It was a mission to her which she had perfected. If Banner was still here, she would probably be with him and she probably would never have spoken to me if it didn't involve training or practice missions. I went to my room and broke down. I unleash my powers wreaking my entire room as I let every emotion. It was a perfect reflection of how my mind was right now. The bed was where we first made love or well I suppose just sex for her was snapped in half just like my heart was and destroyed. My walls had cracks in them, every item in the room either broke or tossed across the room. Only one corner of the room wasn't destroyed. It was where pictures of the team and the Bartons and my family were hanging. It represented the good/happy memories that Natasha didn't destroy the moment she told me, I meant nothing to her. I curled into a ball in that corner, rocking myself to sleep crying as Natasha's words cemented in my mind, bleeding the words permanently into me.
***[Natasha]***
My head was buzzing as if I was hungover but I don't remember ever drinking. I rolled to my side instinctively reaching for Wanda to pull her closer to me but was met by air and a cold mattress. Strange.
" Babe?" I called out to get no reply. " Little Witch?" I slowly open my eyes to see I was in my room which isn't where I had fallen asleep last night. I felt myself panic because something happened and my brain was still half asleep so my memories of what happened last night were foggy. The guilt washes over me when my mind fully woke and memories of what I said last night return. I let my anger and betrayed emotions consume me and it ended up hurting Wanda, one of the few people I never wanna hurt. My heart ached upon the pain I inflicted on the little witch. I need to make this right. I was so scared that if people knew it would make it so much more real and I was scared I would fuck up and ruin the best relationship I ever had. Yet I did that all on my own. I tried to think of it like a mission, that it was just sex but along the way, my feelings grew for the little witch. It became real to me that I could no longer fool myself and then she told me the 3 little words that made it too real, too serious. I spiraled. I didn't know it but I had fallen in love with her during the late-night deep talks, the cuddles, the sex, the deep conversation, the training and I couldn't face it. I couldn't admit it to myself. It was strange to wake up without Wanda's body pressed against mine or being the first person I see in the morning or having morning kisses. I hate that feeling of not being complete. It's then and there that I realize that she's my everything, the reason why I work so damn hard to finish the missions so I could come home to her, my happiness, my humanity when I feel nothing, my better half. I fucked up bad. I got up and got dressed. I only had one thing in my mind and that was to fix what I broke with Wanda. I went to the common room hoping that Wanda's there but no luck though I do see Clint which caused me to furrow my brows in confusion. I went towards him.
" Barton, you weren't supposed to be here until next month," I say. He was coming to visit Wanda. It was a tradition between them, either Wanda goes to the farm or Clint comes over here to see how Wanda is doing. The two share a special bond that was created because of Wanda's late twin brother.
" Hello to you too, baby witch called more like Friday called me, worried about Wanda, she was having an episode that hadn't happened in months," he tells me. Wanda has lashed out or had an episode since we started dating. Did I cause that? I put my witch in pain.
" Nat...I know that face, what happened with Wanda?" Clint asks. It's now or never and he's family to Wanda and me in different ways.
" She and I are together," I say, not bothering to change the tense because I'm not giving up on fixing this.
" But?" Clint asks.
" We got into an argument?"
" Why does that sound like a question than an actual answer?" he asks.
" Because I actually don't know if it's an argument or not, but I do know that I fucked up big time," I say. " I panicked that someone knew about us and so many emotions took over me so I did what I did best, hurt people. I fucked up with her and she's gonna hate me now." The thought of her hating me made me sick.
" I don't hate you, Agent Romanoff," yet at the sound of her cold calculated voice, it sounded as if she did. I turned at the sound of her angelic voice. " Clint, I'll be in the jet." God this is the second time I watched her walk away and god did it hurt so much more than it did the first time.
" What do I do?" I ask my best friend, he usually gives good advice when it comes to relationships.
" Give her space right now, whatever you did, it broke her, and maybe tell the team about you guys, they kinda deserve to know why one of their teammates is taking a 5-month notice," my eyes widened at the new information.
" 5 months? I did this, she doesn't wanna be anywhere close to me, Clint, I really fucked up!" I say frantically.
" You did Romanoff, so fix it, do right by her," he tells me before leaving. I wanna scream and punch something so I went to the gym and took all my frustration out on the dummies.
" What the hell did you do Romanoff," I hear Bucky's voice enter the room.
"I did nothing," I look at him confused, pausing whatever I was doing.
" then why the hell did I get a note from little red saying goodbye? That she loves me? And that she's sorry? What is she sorry for?" Bucky asks. The way he says that Wanda said I love you to him, caused pain in my heart. How is Bucky able to accept love so easily? He had his mind control and was forced to do terrible things yet he is still capable of accepting people who love him? I know that Bucky and Wanda had bonded over the trauma they had with hydra and they're close like siblings. They remind me of Yelena and me, we're not blood but we're sisters just like they're not blood but they consider each other siblings.
" I think it would be better to talk about it with the team," I say. I really didn't wanna explain it two times, one time is already hard enough.
" No and I swear if this is about me knowing your relationship or lack of it right now, I swear to god I will kick your ass," he says. " We're not blind Romanoff, we were all waiting for you guys to tell us. I only brought it up because Wanda seemed to be sad or in pain."
" What?" I ask taken back.
" Yea, you keeping you guys a secret was hurting her," he tells me. " She would never tell you this because she was afraid of losing you so I will for her, you pushed her back into the closet when you asked her to keep your guys' relationship a secret. She already had so many insecurities and you want to keep your guys' relationship added to that. I wanna show you something." I follow him out of the gym curious about what he was going to show me while letting what he said to wrap around my head. I am a terrible human being. I realize the path he was taking, it was to Wanda's room. When the door opened, all I saw was destruction. I caused the little witch to do that. I noticed that a small part of her room wasn't destroyed though.
" Wanda once told me that when she lashes out, whatever she creates it represents how her mind is currently is," Bucky told me and I remember Wanda telling me that as well. The bed was destroyed, the bed we first made love in. Walls cracked. The part that wasn't destroyed by her magic was pictures of the team, the Bartons, and her family. The happy part that I didn't destroy when I told her she had meant nothing to me which wasn't true. She was everything. Bucky leaves me in the room but I didn't notice as I let myself break down. I let the guilt consume me.