Avengers Watch Loki

New York City 2012

“Isn’t that when Loki attacked?” Peter asked.

“Yup,” Clint said while glaring at the screen.

Steve: On my way down to coordinate search and rescue.

Loki: On my way down to coordinate search and rescue.

Sam snickered at seeing his friend being mocked.

Loki: I mean, honestly, how do you keep your food down?

Thor: Shut up.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey. Buddy! What do you think? Maximum occupancy has been reached.

Thor: Take the stairs. Loki waves at Hulk.

Tony: Yeah. Stop, stop.

Agents: Hand over the case, Stark. Hand it over. The case falls.

“Wait, that never happened,” Tony said.

“What do you mean that didn’t happen?” Sam asked.

Ant Man kicks the case towards Future Tony.

“The case never fell and it was never pushed across the room,” Nat answered.

Pierce: Stark?

Thor: Stark? Breathe, breathe.

Future Tony: Good job. Meet me in the alley. I'm gonna grab a quick slice.

“Why does that guy sound like you?” Peter asked.

“How am I supposed to know?!?” Tony answered.

Hulk busts through the door sending the Tesseract flying.

Hulk: No stairs! Loki grabs the Tesseract and vanishes.

“What the…” Steve started.

“...f*** was that,” Tony interrupted.

“Language,” Natasha whispered to Steve. Steve was not amused.

Thor: Where's Loki? Loki! Loki!

Loki lands in Mongolia and takes the muzzle off.

The 4 Avengers who fought Loki had confused looks on their faces.

He jumps onto a rock.

“Dramatic much,” Sam said.

Loki: I am Loki of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose.(In Mongolian) Who are you? Why have you come to our home?
Loki: I... TVA agents come out of a portal.

“Okay, what?” Wanda said in confusion. Looking at the others to see if they understood what was going on.

Loki: Never mind. Don't touch that. Hunter B-15 comes out of another portal.
Hunter B-15: Appears to be a standard sequence violation. Branch is growing at a stable rate and slope. Variant identified.

Everyone was still very confused.

Loki: I beg your pardon.

“So, Loki doesn’t know what the hell this is either,” Tony pointed out.

Hunter B-15: On behalf of the Time Variance Authority, I hereby arrest you for crimes against the Sacred Timeline. Hands up. You're coming with us.

“Time cops,” Peter said excitedly.

“Time cops aren’t real,” Clint said.

“Norse gods aren’t real,” Peter sassed back.

“I see now why he’s your intern Stark,” Clint said.

Loki: I'm sorry. Who's "us"?

Hunter B-15: Last chance, Variant.

Loki: It's been a very long day, and I think I've had my fill of idiots in armored suits telling me what to do, so, if you don't mind, this is actually your last chance.

“If we’re idiots, how did we beat you?” Tony sassed.

Loki: Now get out of my way. Hunter B-15 hits him with her weapon, making him move in slow motion. She puts a collar on him.

“So are we going to get an explanation anytime soon or is it just going to be more nonsense?” Sam asked.

Hunter B-15: You are now moving at 1/16th speed, but feeling all that pain in real time. Reset the timeline. The agents grab the tesseract and activate a reset charge. Loki is pulled through a portal.
Loki tries to run from Hunter B-15 but she presses a button that makes him reappear where he was.

Hunter B-15: Come on.

Casey: Whoa! Hello, ma'am, uh...

Hunter B-15: Log this as evidence.

Casey: Oh... Can you at least tell me what it is?

Loki: It's the Tesseract. Be very careful with it.

“What’s a Tesseract?” Ned asked Peter. Peter shrugged and turned to Tony.

“What’s a Tesseract?” He asked.

“It’s a magic box that Loki stole from the government,” Tony answered, which only made Peter more confused.

Casey: It sounds dumb.

Loki: Know this. You cross me, there are deadly consequences.

Hunter B-15: We'll see. Hunter B-15 pushes Loki into a room. A robot there pulls at his armor.

“Cute robot,” Peter said happily.

“Kid, that robot is not cute,” Tony said.

“Stop bullying the robot Mr. Stark,” Peter said.

Loki: Hey, hey! Absolutely not. This is fine Asgardian leather.

Robot: Hold very still. Loki’s clothes are disintegrated.

“Didn’t need to see that,” Nat said.

Loki: Now, hang on just a minute. He falls down into another room.

Please sign to verify this is everything you've ever said.

Everyone started to laugh.

Loki: What? A piece of paper is printed.

Sign this, too.

More laughter.

Loki: Oh, this is absurd. Another paper is printed.

And this. Loki signs the paper.

“No one likes paperwork, not even crazy gods,” Tony joked.

Please confirm to your knowledge that you are not a fully robotic being, were born an organic creature, and do in fact possess what many cultures would call a soul.

Loki: What? "To my knowledge"? Do a lot of people not know if they're robots?

“You’d be surprised,” Clint said.

“Wait, what? You’ve met robots that didn’t know they were robots,” Steve said in confusion.

“SHIELD has,” Clint answered.

Thank you for confirming. Move through. Loki hesitates.

Loki: What if I was a robot and I didn't know it?

Peter and Ned were still laughing.

The machine would melt you from the inside out. Please move along, sir.

Loki: Okay, I'm not a robot, so I'll be fine. What's that?

Your temporal aura.

Loki: What's that?

Please, through the door.

Take a ticket.

What is this, a deli? No.

Take a ticket.

Loki: There's only two of us in here.

Take a ticket.

Loki: This is a mistake! I shouldn't be here!

Miss Minutes: Hey there! You're probably saying, "This is a mistake. I shouldn't even be here."

“Wonderful timing,” Sam said.

Welcome to the Time Variance Authority. I'm Miss Minutes, and it's my job to catch you up before you stand trial for your crimes. So let's not waste another minute. Settle in, sharpen your pencils, and check this out. Long ago, there was a vast multiversal war.

“Wait, MULTIVERSAL? THERE'S A MULTIVERSE,” Peter said excitedly.

Countless unique timelines battled each other for supremacy, nearly resulting in the total destruction of... ...well, everything. But then, the all-knowing Time-Keepers emerged, bringing peace by reorganizing the multiverse into a single timeline, the Sacred Timeline.

“See, Time Cops,” Peter pointed out.

Now, the Time-Keepers protect and preserve the proper flow of time for everyone and everything. But sometimes, people like you veer off the path the Time-Keepers created. We call those Variants. Maybe you started an uprising, or were just late for work.

“So this is a Loki Variant?” Steve asked.

“It appears so,” Vision answered.

Whatever it was, stepping off your path created a nexus event, which, left unchecked, could branch off into madness, leading to another multiversal war.
But, don't worry, to make sure that doesn't happen, the Time-Keepers created the TVA and all its incredible workers. The TVA has stepped in to fix your mistake and set time back on its predetermined path.

“So they stalk us and force us to follow a certain path, totally not creepy,” Clint said.

Now that your actions have left you without a place on the timeline, you must stand trial for your offenses. So sit tight, and we'll get you in front of a judge in no time. Just make sure you have your ticket, and you'll be seen by the next available attendant. For all time. Always.

Loki: Time-Keepers? The Sacred Timeline? Who actually believes this bunkum?

Ticket, sir?

He didn't give me a ticket. I asked.

Ticket, sir!

I tried to ask that guy for a ticket!

Sir...

What, you're raising your voice at me, bucket head? He gets erased from reality.

“Yup, definitely creepy,” Steve said.

Loki frantically searches for his ticket and holds it up.

Mis Minutes: Thanks for visiting the TVA. Don't hesitate to let us know how we're doing.

The letters of Loki switch between different fonts.

“It’s got a nice intro,” Ned said.

Aix-En-Provence, France, 1549

The hunter and his Minutemen responded to a routine nexus event. It appears that when they arrived, somebody got the jump on 'em.

Mobius: You think?

It's him.

“Who’s ‘him’?” Vision asked.

“The bad guy,” Peter answered.

Mobius: Yeah, stab wounds look consistent with the others. Positioning of the bodies indicates they didn't know what the hell hit 'em. And reset charge is gone.

That's the sixth attack in the last week.

“How can you say last week if you’re travelling through time?” Sam asked.

“From their perspective it’s been a week,” Wanda said.

Mobius: That we know of.

Hey!

Mobius: Wait, stand down! Stand down. It's just a kid. (In French) I’m sorry, my friend is an imbecile.

Hey, yo! (In French) I speak every language on the timeline too. Jackass.

Tony snickered.

Mobius draws a stick figure on a tablet.

Mobius: Tap it. (In French) Do you know who did this? The kid points to a window with the devil on it. Don't worry, that devil's afraid of us. We're gonna take care of him. And we're gonna put you back where you belong. (In French) That blue, what is that? The child gives him a pack of chewing gum.

“Chewing gum in the 16th century, now that’s something that would throw historians off,” Clint said.

Mobius: Devil bearing gifts. Go ahead and run this for sequence period and any hints of temporal aura.

You know we won't get anything.

Mobius: Yeah, just give it a shot.

The branch is nearing red line. We need to go.

Mobius: Okay. (In French) Go wait outside (In English) It's okay.

Set a reset charge. An agent steps out of a portal and hands Mobius a file.

Sir, there's something you'll wanna see.

Renslayer: Next case, please. Laufeyson. Variant L1130, AKA Loki Laufeyson, is charged with sequence violation 7-20-89. How do you plead?

Loki: Madam, a god doesn't plead. This has been a very enjoyable pantomime, but I'd like to go home now.

Renslayer: Are you guilty or not guilty, sir?

Loki: Guilty of being the God of Mischief? Yes. Guilty of finding all this incredibly tedious? Yes. Guilty of a crime against the Sacred Timeline? Absolutely not, you have the wrong person.

“I’m using that next time the government comes knocking on my door,” Tony joked.

Renslayer: Oh, really? And who should we have?

Loki: I suspect the Avengers

“Can’t say I’m surprised,” Clint said

Loki: I came into possession of the Tesseract because they traveled through time, no doubt in a last-ditch effort to stave off my ascent to God King.

Renslayer: That's quite an accusation.

Loki: Oh, believe me, you can smell the cologne of two Tony Starks.

Everyone started laughing at Tony.

“Why does he know what my cologne smells like?!?” Tony exclaimed.

Loki: You speak of Time Criminals? It's they you should be after. Perhaps you could provide me with a taskforce and resources, and I could return and eliminate them for you.

Renslayer: We're not here to talk about the Avengers.

Loki: Oh, no?

Renslayer: No. What they did was supposed to happen. You escaping was not.

“So that guy that sounded like you was you but from the future,” Steve said.

“Because that didn’t sound weird at all,” Tony said.

Loki: Right. Uh... "Not supposed to happen"? According to whom?

Renslayer: The Time-Keepers?

Loki: Oh, the Time-Keepers. Right. Well, perhaps I should speak to these Time-Keepers, gods to gods.

Renslayer: I'm sorry, but they're quite busy.

Loki: Oh, they are? What are they doing?

Renslayer: Dictating the proper flow of time.

Loki: I see. Right. And then what do you do?

Renslayer: Dictate the proper flow of time according to their dictations. How do you plead?

“I feel bad for that judge,” Sam joked.

Loki: Guilty... of this. He tries to use his magic.

Peter snickered.

Renslayer: What's going on?

Loki: Hang on. Everyone quiet.

Hunter B-15: He's trying to use his powers, ma'am.

Loki: Don't rush me. Damn it! Why won't it work?

Renslayer: Magic powers? They're no good in the TVA, Mr. Laufeyson. The court finds you guilty, and I sentence you to be reset. Next case, please!

Loki: "Reset"? What does that mean? What, is it bad? What does it mean? Hey! You ridiculous bureaucrats will not dictate how my story ends!

Renslayer: It's not your story, Mr. Laufeyson. It never was.

Loki: You have no idea what I'm capable of!

Mobius: I... I think I might. Have an idea of what he's capable of.

“And how exactly does this guy know Loki?” Steve asked.

“If you shut up and watch, you’ll probably have your questions answered,” Nat said.

Renslayer: Approach the bench.

Mobius: Hi.

Renslayer: If you're thinking what I think you are, it's a bad idea.

Mobius: Okay, I'm just chasing a hunch.

Renslayer: Anything goes sideways, it's on you.

Mobius: Okay. I feel like I'm always looking up to you. I like it. It's appropriate.

Loki: And who are you?

Loki: I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.

Mobius: I'll show you where my desk is, you can start there. Have a look. Home sweet home.

Loki: I thought there was no magic here.

Mobius: There isn't. The TVA is shown.

Loki: That's not real.

Mobius: It is, and, unfortunately, so is all the paperwork. Good tinder for your fire, though. Come on.

“Tony has some competition in the sass department,” Nat joked.

Loki: This place is a nightmare.

Mobius: That's another department. Now that department I'll help you burn down.

Not even Natasha could keep a straight face.

Mobius: I'm Agent Mobius, by the way.

Loki: Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?

Mobius: No. That's where you just were. I'm taking you some place to talk.

Loki: I don't like to talk.

“Sure,” Clint said sarcastically.

Mobius: But you do like to lie, which you just did. Because we both know you love to talk. Talkie-talkie.

Loki: How long have you been here?

Mobius: I don't know. It's hard to say, time passes differently here in the TVA.

Loki: What does that mean?

Mobius: You'll catch up.

Loki: So, you're part of the TVA's courageous and dedicated workforce?

Mobius: Yes.

Loki: You were created by the Time-Keepers.

Mobius: Yep.

Loki: To protect the Sacred Timeline.

Mobius: Correct. Is that funny?

Loki: The idea that your little club decides the fate of trillions of people across all of existence at the behest of three space lizards, yes, it's funny. It's absurd.

“There are lizards in space?” Peter questioned.

Mobius: I thought you didn't like to talk.

“I like this guy,” Tony said.

Mobius: After you.

Loki: For the record, this really does feel like a killing-me kind of a room.

Mobius: Not big on trust, are you?

Loki: Trust is for children and dogs. There's only one person you can trust.

Mobius: Yourself? I like it. Slap it on a T-shirt.

Loki: If the TVA truly oversees all of time, how have I never heard of you until now?

Mobius: 'Cause you've never needed to. You've always lived within your set path.

Loki: I live within whatever path I choose.

Mobius: Sure you do.

“That kinda creepy,” Ned said.

Mobius: Okay, come have a seat. Loki tries to attack Mobius.

“I’m gonna make whatever that collar thing is when we get back,” Tony said.

“Ten bucks says he won’t be able to make one,” Clint whispered to Nat.

Mobius: I told you, time moves differently in the TVA. Come on, sit down. Let's get into this. Go on, have a seat. If looks could kill.

Loki: What do you want from me?

Mobius: Well, let's start with a little cooperation.

Loki: Not my forte.

Mobius: Really? Even when you're wooing someone powerful you intend to betray? Come on.

Loki: You don't know anything about me.

Mobius: Maybe I'd like to learn. I specialize in the pursuit of dangerous Variants.

“Is he drinking soda?” Sam questioned.
“Yup,” Wanda answered.

Loki: Like myself?

Mobius: Mmm... No, particularly dangerous Variants. You're just a little pussycat.

“Burn,” Peter and Ned said together.

“What kind of villains as this guy ran into to be able to call the God of Mischief a pussycat?” Steve questioned.

“That’s a good question,” Tony said.

Mobius: I got a set of questions for you. You answer them honestly, and then maybe I can give you something you want. You wanna get out of here, right? Yeah, so we'll start there. Should you return, what are you gonna do?

Loki: Finish what I started.

Mobius: Which is?

Loki: Claim my throne.

Mobius: You wanna be king?

Loki: I don't want to be, I was born to be.

“No you were not,” Vision sassed.

“Wasn’t aware that you had a sense of humor,” Sam said.

Mobius: I know, but king of what exactly?

Loki: You wouldn't understand.

Mobius: Try me.

Loki: Midgard.

“You really think round two would end differently?” Wanda questioned.

Mobius: AKA Earth. All right. Now you're the king of Midgard, then what? Happily ever after?

Loki: Asgard, the Nine Realms.

Mobius: Space?

Loki: Space?

Mobius: Space is big. That'd be a nice feather in your cap. "Loki, the King of Space."

“BoW bEfOrE tHe MiGhTy KiNg Of SpAcE,” Peter said while giggling.

Loki: Mock me if you dare.

Mobius: No, I'm not. Honestly, I'm actually a fan. Yeah. And I guess I'm wondering why does someone with so much range just wanna rule?

Loki: I would've made it easy for them.

Mobius: People like easy.

Loki: The first and most oppressive lie ever uttered was the song of freedom.

Mobius: How's that one go?

Loki: For nearly every living thing, choice breeds shame and uncertainty and regret. There's a fork in every road, yet the wrong path always taken.

“I mean, he’s not exactly wrong…” Sam said.

“He’s still a crazy guy who likes killing,” Clint said.

Mobius: Good. Yeah. You said "nearly every living thing," so I'm guessing you don't fall into that category?

Loki: The Time-Keepers have built quite the circus, and I see the clowns are playing their parts to perfection.

Mobius: Big metaphor guy. I love it. Makes you sound super smart.

Loki: I am smart.

“He sounds like a 2 year old,” Tony said, causing almost everyone to laugh.

Mobius: I know.

Loki: Okay.

Mobius: Okay.