“You are right! That brand is far better,” Lara, one of Bucky’s friends exclaimed and popped another grape into her mouth.
“Oh, I actually found this really nice store…”, her husband, Charlie, chimed in, but Sam started to zone out again. The two of them had come over for dinner, and it had been a very nice evening. Sam really liked Bucky’s friends and they have had enjoyed some good conversation and a couple of glasses of wine.
At the moment, Zemo was in the kitchen, just putting all the plates in the sink so they could soak for a while, which meant Sam was left with Bucky and the couple, who were all engaged in an exited conversation. About dog food. Lara and Bucky both worked at and Charlie was a vet. It made sense they’d want to talk about something like that. But it was almost 2 am. And Sam was tired. And a little drunk. And… upset?
Why was Sam upset? Because he didn’t have anything to add to the conversation? That was fine, right? He could just wait until they were done… But he was tired and drunk, so he kept zoning out. Sam tried to stop himself. He knew if he went to far down, he wouldn’t be able to come back later, and the evening wasn’t over yet.
It wasn’t even like he was in a bad head space, but sometimes in situations like this, he just… fell into himself. Went to a place deep inside, surrounded by his own thoughts, were nothing else really mattered and the outside world couldn’t reach him.
Sam dug his fingernail into his palm to wake himself up. He just had to focus on the conversation again, he was acting weird. Charlie was telling a funny story about the strange shop owner he once met. Sam decided to use the opportunity to come back in and stop being all quiet and broody. He told a quick anecdote of his own and… got a nod from Lara and a chuckle from Buck, then everyone moved on.
Was that a good or a bad chuckle? Had he said something stupid? Usually he could tell, but everyone seemed so far away. The were having fun and Sam was just listening in. He felt like an intruder in his own home. He mentally went over the conversations they had that evening. Would Bucky and his friends have enjoyed themselves more without Sam there? He thought about the things he had said earlier and cringed. The pitch of his voice when he had laughed his ass off had definitely been annoying. And the jokes he had made during dinner? Not that funny. He had talked far too much earlier and now he wasn’t talking at all.
Sam was being so dramatic, nothing bad had happened. The evening had been very pleasant and the others probably hadn’t even noticed how… inadequate Sam was. Or if they had noticed, they didn’t care all that much, he was easy to ignore. Sam had no real reason to freak out, and yet...
He felt ignored and constantly looked at at the same time. He just wanted to go be by himself for a minute, drifting away without panicking for a moment, but he knew himself better than that. If he excused himself to the bathroom now, his fears and insecurities would take over. Tears would spring into his eyes and his breathing would get out of control. He knew. It had happened before.
Back then, it had just been Buck, Zemo and him. He had had far more to drink that night. Zemo and Bucky had been chatting about a book he hadn’t read and felt so out of place. Like he didn’t belong with them and never would. Like he was hurting them by simply existing. Like he was selfish for talking to them when they had each other and would be more content without him.
They had found him on the bathroom floor, shaking and tears streaming down his face. He hadn’t been able to stop apologizing to them whenever his violent sobs allowed him to speak. Zemo had rubbed his back for half an hour while Bucky put on his favorite music and made him drink some water.
It had confused him, to be honest. Anxiety attacks like that had happened before, usually when Sam had had more than a few drinks and there were too many people around, but no one had found him before. He had often wrapped his arms around himself, imagining a firm hug and gentle words, but he’d never allowed himself to ask for help.
Sam wanted that now. He needed someone to know how small and insignificant he felt. To just be there for him. If he left now, he’d break down and his partners would put him back together. Sam couldn’t let that happen. Not while Bucky’s friends were there. Not when Buck was smiling and laughing so freely.
Sam just kept staring ahead, desperately trying to hold on to the present. He couldn’t leave reality right now, not yet. Their guests would probably stay for at least another hour and soon he’d be expected to join the conversation again. Glued to his chair, Sam stared ahead while his anxiety kept building.
“I’m terribly sorry, but I think I’ll have to excuse myself,” Zemo suddenly said while placing a hand on Sam’s shoulder, pressing down hard, like he was trying to stop Sam from floating away.
“Is everything alright doll?”, Bucky asked surprised.
“Just a headache, darling, nothing to worry about,” Zemo said cheerfully, causing Bucky to frown at him. Zemo’s headaches could get pretty intense.
“Are you sure?”, the super soldier asked, shooting Sam a pleading look.
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure the little dumbass will actually take care of himself,” Sam promised without even having to think about it.
Zemo walked over to kiss Bucky goodnight, before receiving a goodbye hug from their guests. Next it was Sam’s turn who received three hugs before guiding Zemo to his bedroom.
“Okay, do you need a shower or would you like to lay down right away?”, Sam asked after closing the door behind them.
“Oh I don’t need anything, I was lying about the headache.”
Sam’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, but you are not,” Zemo stated, running his hands up and down Sam’s arms, applying a very nice amount of pressure.
“What?”, Sam asked surprised, “I’m fine, we should go back.”
“So you can hide inside that head of yours until you get an anxiety attack? I don’t think so.”
Zemo pushed him towards the bed and pulled out his laptop. “I need you with me in this reality, love. It’s not as nice without you. I’m not expecting you to talk, just focus on the present, alright?”, he whispered to Sam before putting on Sam’s favorite show.
He laid down on the bed, pulling Sam tightly against him and rubbing circles into his arm. Now that Sam had something he could focus on without much afford, the floaty, far-away feeling slowly disappeared. After the first ten minutes he started to throw in his personal commentary and after half an hour his mind was back to normal and Zemo and him were chatting and joking about the show.
“Hey, Hobbit?”
“Yes, Samuel?”
“Can we maybe not tell Buck about this?”
Zemo tensed up a bit. “There is nothing wrong with just needing a break once in a while. James will understand why you left. Besides, it’s almost three am by now, a very reasonable time to go to bed.”
“I know,” Sam reassured his partner. “It’s just… he was so happy today. I don’t want his memories to be tainted with anything even remotely negative. You know how he gets, he’ll just blame himself for not noticing, even though I was actively trying to hide it.”
Zemo relaxed a bit. “Alright, but you are not allowed to blame yourself either. All three of us sometimes have to step out of situations. You don’t have to try to be strong, I just need you to be safe.”
Sam smiled to himself. He briefly thought about telling Zemo he was a hypocrite, but decided against it, the Sokovian knew that already anyways. “I’m always safe when I’m with you,” he said instead, “Thank you.”
They watched the show for another fifteen minutes before the bedroom door opened. Bucky raised an eyebrow as his eyes fell on them. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”
“Buzz kill,” Zemo chuckled.
Bucky shook his head with a grin. “How’s your head?”
Zemo smiled back. “Let’s just say all issues are resolved. Now get over here or be quiet, this is my favorite episode.”