Settling Dust
The world was silent and stood still. No one and nothing moved. Everyone stood in front of the wooden lodging cabin as Tony’s casket gently floated. In the far back, Steve stood beside Bucky and Sam, as they all mourned quietly. Steve wore a nice suit, Bucky a black sweater and Sam also had a nice suit. Bucky fidget around, feeling like he didn’t belong there until he felt Steve’s gentle, but firm, hand on his shoulder. A softer, and calmer, exhale escaped his mouth as he felt Steve take a small step closer to him.
After a few minutes of silence, people slowly started to disperse, all of them saying their condolences. Some approached Steve and patted him on the back as they said their farewells.
Slowly, once most people had left, Steve, Bucky and Sam decided it was time. Steve looked up from the grass and met eyes with Bucky and nodded his head, an agreement to leave. Steve removed his hand from Bucky’s shoulder and walked slowly towards his car, quickly tapping Sam on the shoulder to alert him. Steve opened the front passenger seat and allowed Bucky to step in. He then opened the back passenger seat and walked to the driver’s seat. They both got into the car but the car didn’t move for a few minutes.
Bucky felt suffocated by the silence. It was deafening. He wanted someone to say something. He looked out the window but instead saw his own reflection. His hair was long and unbrushed, his sweater looked wrinkled and he had dark circles under his eyes. Why was he here, he thought to himself. He didn’t deserve to be there. All he did was cause pain in Tony’s life and he was the reason Steve and Tony were separated. He was the reason Steve and Tony were no longer friends.
He tried looking past his own reflection, to the now steadily moving road. When did they leave the cabin? Bucky didn’t know. Not that he cared that much. Then again, he thought to himself, he should be more careful of his surroundings. Anyone could come out from anywhere.
“So now what?” Sam asked quietly, breaking Bucky’s train of thoughts.
Bucky pushed away from the window and looked at Steve, expecting something. Sam wasn’t asking him, that was for sure. Sam didn’t trust him. Steve stared straight ahead, his face emotionless and responded, “We continue fighting. Tony isn’t the first to die, and sadly he won't be the last. We just continue fighting so that this doesn’t happen again.”
Bucky wanted to respond. To say something. To say sorry. Steve didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve Steve. He wanted to do something, to fight someone. But who? Who were they going to fight? He wanted to fight someone, but he also wanted to just sit down. Wakanda was the only time he was ever able to rest. The first time in 70 years that someone let him rest. Instead, he stayed silent, leaning against the window again. After an hour of silence, they approached where Sam was staying. It was an apartment building, near the edge of New York City.
“Thanks, man,” Sam said as he stepped out of the car.
“No problem. See you around.”
“Gotta invite you two over sometime, the kids would love you.”
Steve waved and Sam closed the door shut.
As the car drove through New York City, Bucky was desperately thinking of something to say. He wanted to break the silence. Maybe years ago, before Hydra, before the war, before all of this, maybe then he would have been able to say something. But he was someone else now. He didn’t know what to say. Instead it was Steve who broke the silence.
“So, got anywhere to go, Bucky?” Steve asked as he pulled the car into the highway.
After a few seconds of hesitance, Bucky answered, “No.” He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He hadn’t thought about tomorrow. It wasn’t something that he usually had to think of.
“Ya know anyone you can stay with?”
“No.” Of course he didn’t. He’d spent the last 5 years as a pile of dust and before that, he’d spent 70 years being nothing more than a puppet.
“Want to stay with me for a bit until we find somewhere for you to stay?”
He thought it over. Was that smart? Sure, the Wakandans had removed the code words, but he helt unsafe with himself. He couldn’t risk Steve’s life. Then again, he trusted the Wakandan warriors. They knew what they were doing. Plus he had ways of contacting them if things went south. “... Sure,” Bucky said, looking out the window of the car. He started to think over the idea. Staying with Steve would be nice.
Then, suddenly, a fear reemerged. What if Steve didn’t want to stay with him? Sure he had offered his home, but he was a kind person. He would have offered it to anyone. What was going to happen in the future? Steve could go back to Peggy. He was scared. He didn’t want Steve to leave him. Steve was all he had left. Steve loved Peggy, so was he going to leave for her? He was so sure that Steve would stay in the past with Peggy when he was returning the stones.
“Why are you quiet Bucky? Did something happen?” Steve’s voice was filled with concern. He couldn’t tell Steve. It wasn’t fair. Peggy was the love of his life and he was just dead weight.
“It’s…. It’s nothing” Bucky replied, his voice cracking. He brought his knees into his chest and continued staring at the trees that raced by the car.
“Come on Bucky, don’t lie to me like that, something happened,” Steve urged. His voice was soft and soothing, which reminded Bucky of the past.
No, he thought to himself. Steve didn’t need to here his stupid little rant. “It’s stupid,” he said. And he meant to pause there, but he had opened his mouth and it was like poking a hole in a dam. The hole only became larger, and it couldn’t hold the water back. He heard himself continue to talk, “but when you went back to return the stone…” no. Stop. Stop talking. But he couldn’t. He felt his eyes water, and he felt some of them escape. No. This wasn’t what he was meant to say or do “I was afraid. I thought you might have decided to stay with Peggy. It was selfish of me, but I was afraid.” He could feel tears running down his face. He hated how he felt. He vaguely felt his metal arm wrap around his right arm, rubbing it, and causing it to bruise.
“Oh, Bucky. Don’t ever worry about that, please. I’m not leaving. Peggy found someone else and moved on with her life. I’ve done the same. I can’t dwell on the past. What happened before and during the war, is long gone and best to forget.” Steve’s right hand let go of the steering wheel, and onto Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky loved the contact. It reminded him of the days in Brooklyn, before the war, where Steve and him had shared a small apartment, with no cares about the world, where their only enemy was the heat.
Steve’s response was what Bucky was hoping for, right? It was what he wanted Steve to say, right? He wanted Steve to say that. Then why didn’t he feel better?
‘Best to forget’. He realized that Steve wanted to forget. Forget his past. Forget what happened before the war which one time in history Bucky wanted to remember. Bucky had so many memories, but very few of those times in Brooklyn, when the world didn’t hate him. The memories that Hydra had stolen from him. The very thing that he so very desperately wanted, was the one thing Steve wanted to lose.
After a moment of silence, Bucky mumbled sadly, “Ya, I guess it’s best to forget what happened back then.” ‘ Best to forget who I was. The man I’ll never be’, Bucky thought to himself. Would Steve really want him in his life? He was nothing more than dead weight and if Steve didn’t want to remember the time before the war, then surely he wouldn’t want to remember the person Bucky was in the past. The one person Bucky wanted to meet the most.
They continued to drive on the highway for a few more hours and then turned into a rural town. From there they went to the outskirts and passed trees. The sky became engulfed by trees, and soon the road became a dirt road, full of bumps and ditches. The trees covered the sky, and the setting sun had been long gone under the horizon. Then the car took a small turn to the left and came across a gated entrance. Steve approached the gate up slowly and pulled out a small card, swiping it across a black scanner causing the gate to open. Steve continued the car and as the doors slowly closed, they approached a wooden cabin. The walls looked brand new. The entire building gave off a hunting lodge vibe while at the same time, looking as if it had just been built.
“Welcome to your temporary home,” Steve announced, waking Bucky up from the sleep that he hadn’t realized he’d gone in.
The house had to have at least 3 floors. It towered over them, almost reaching the top of the trees. He had seen houses like this in his past, but he never thought that he’d actually stay in one. “It looks big. You've really been living here by yourself?
”
“Ya. Tony gave it to me after the snap. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. What do you think?” Bucky flinched at the mention of Tony. Maybe they hadn’t been so bad after all? Then again, 5 years was 5 years, and a lot could happen. He of all people should have known that. He felt stupid thinking that Steve wouldn’t try to rekindle his friendship with Tony.
He mentally scolded himself. He had to pay attention to what was going on now. “I like it,” Bucky stated as he swung the car door open and slowly approached the house. Steve got out and went to the trunk of the car to get Bucky’s belongings.
Bucky attempted to open the door, but it was locked. “Yo, jerk!” Steve yelled, “take the keys”. Bucky responded by turning around and smiling. He liked it when Steve called him a jerk. It made the world seem simpler.
Steve lifted his hand up and then threw the keys at Bucky. He caught the keys flawlessly and opened the door. The entrance was grand. There were couches in the center of the room and the ceiling was over 20 feet tall. Windows were generously scattered around the living room. Bucky took a step in and admired the place. He felt his mouth open, but he couldn’t care about closing it. He was going to stay here. For the first time in his life he’d stay somewhere nice, and ya, Wakanda was nice, but this felt different. This was more of his own home, even if it wasn’t.
“It’s cool, isn’t it!” Steve said as he approached Bucky. He was carrying a suitcase in each hand, “Jesus, Bucky, What did you pack?”.
“Everything.”
“So basically, just a ton of clothing?” Steve said, chuckling.
“Yup,” Bucky replied, smiling. He grabbed the bags from Steve’s hand and started walking towards the stairs to the right.
“Bucky, wrong way,” Steve called.
“Of course,” Bucky responded.
Bucky finished unpacking everything and laid down in bed. He closed his eyes trying to get some rest, but instead strange memories started flooding his head. He felt his hand turn cold. His breath became faster
The walls around him disappeared, and instead, revealed pine trees covered in snow, worryingly similar to those from the fall. Bucky tried to sit up, but he felt as if chains were wrapped around him, holding him down. He felt snow drift down, hitting his face, and biting deep into his skin. He wanted to scream, call for help, but he couldn’t.
He managed to force the word, “Steve,” out of his mouth, but it was a mere pin drop, in a world of gunshots. His eyes were becoming blurry, and he was having trouble taking in a single breath. His arms were in pain, especially the left one, which felt as if it was bending in ten different locations. Blood was the only thing that he could smell or see. It was covering his eyes, making everything look red.
He saw two figures slowly approach him. No, he thought to himself. He knew where this was going. They’d drag him through the snow, painfully, and then torture him. No. No, that couldn’t happen. Please, he thought, leave me alone. He felt tears starting to run down his face, as he tried to beg them to stop. To just leave him there, in the cold, alone. Better than wherever they were going to take him.
He shot up, his face covered in tears, and his breath heavy and fast. He felt his hands trembling, and his hand felt numb. Taking a deep breath in, he tried to close his eyes again but the memories just returned to him. The moon light shone in through the window, becoming Bucky. He hated the night. All it did was bring back memories of his past. He swung his legs off the bed and after a moment of thinking got off.
Walking to the door, he opened it and looked around locating Steve’s room after glancing down both sides of the hallway. He slowly and quietly walked over to the door and opened it.
“Steve?” Bucky asked quietly, poking his head in, suddenly regretting it, when he realized that he had fallen asleep.
Steve shot up off the bed and looked around the room and finally, his eyes settled on him. “Bucky, what’s wrong?”
“I- I can’t sleep,” He responded. He heard his own voice crack, and under Steve’s concerned gaze, he felt small and vulnerable, but also safe.
Steve’s gentle voice slowly asked, “Nightmares?”
Bucky slightly nodded and Steve patted the space next to him. He walked slowly towards the bed and then sat next to Steve who wrapped his arm around Buck’s shoulders. Steve went to say something but decided against it. Bucky leaned towards Steve. He rested his head on Steve's shoulder but stayed silent. They leaned against each other, Steve slowly hugging him tighter, a loving, and caring hug.
Light broke through the crack of the curtains and landed directly on Bucky’s face. Bucky felt his right arm wrapped around a warm body, which rose and fell continuously. He slowly fluttered his eyes open, temporarily being blinded by the light in his eyes. He wanted to shield his eyes, but he also, for some reason, wanted to keep his arm wrapped around whatever was in front of him. Then he remembered. In front of him, Steve laid asleep in his arms, his head tucked into Bucky’s chest, just like the winter nights, before the war. Bucky could feel Steve’s chest rise up and down and up and down. He felt his own face turn hot and red as he laid next to Steve. He felt a flutter in his stomach as he looked at Steve’s peaceful face. He started to get up but Steve grabbed his arm and mumbled something.
“Steve?” Bucky whispered.
Steve didn’t respond but just held onto Bucky’s arm. He hesitated for a second and decided to stay lying down next to Steve.
After a few minutes, an alarm went off, stealing their little moment. Bucky quickly removed his arms from around Steve, hoping that he wouldn't realize. Steve slowly started to get up and looked over at Bucky and rubbed his eyes. “Looks like we fell asleep,” Steve chuckled. Bucky felt his heart skip at Steve’s chuckle.
Bucky smiled and replied, “Ya, I guess.”
“What do you want for breakfast?” Steve asked.
“Not sure, anything I guess,” Bucky responded quietly.
“Pancakes it is,” Steve said as he got off of the bed. He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.
Bucky swung his legs around the bed and sat on the edge. He put his hands in his hair and started to pull it lightly.
What the hell was that? What the fuck am I feeling? He brought his hands in front of him and looked at them. He’s a friend and he only sees me as one, he thought to himself. From a distance he could hear Steve humming to himself and Bucky started to take in deep breaths. I can’t feel like this about a friend of mine thought Bucky. He didn’t know what he was feeling for Steve, but he didn’t think he was allowed to feel whatever he was feeling.
After taking a minute to breathe he got up and went to his own room and grabbed a hair tie, and as he pulled his hair up and walked to the kitchen. Bucky passed by the living room and entered the kitchen quietly, looking around the large room, admiring the beautiful objects around the room. On one side of the living room, there was a fireplace with an empty small holder on top of it. The holder looked like one of those that hold swords, but it seemed to have been holding something wider.
“Steve?” Bucky asked, “What was there?” He pointed towards the holder as he approached it.
Steve looked up from the pan and said, “Oh, that’s where I kept your arm after the blip.” Bucky wasn’t sure if he heard sadness coming from his voice.
“Actually? Why?”
Steve started to blush and turned back towards the pan, “Well, your arm had to be somewhere. T'Challa also dusted so I decided to bring it with me instead of just leaving it on the ground.”
Bucky looked down at his arm and quietly said, “Thank you.”
Steve smiled and responded, “No problem!” He approached Bucky, holding a pan full of pancakes. “So what do you think you’re going to do now?”
Bucky hesitated and thought about it. “I’m not sure. I think I just want to live a normal life. I spent 90 years in a fight, I just want to settle down.”
Steve pulled the chair from under the table, across from Bucky and said, “I get it. I want to do the same but I can’t right now. Governments are a mess.”
“Steve,” Bucky said quietly, “You can. You owe no one. All you’ve done your entire life is help others.”
“I-” Steve thought over what he was going to say. “I can’t Bucky. Plus, maybe I’ll meet someone out on the field.”
Those words stung, for some reason. In the back of his mind, he wished that that someone, would be him.
“Let’s not worry about that right now. We have right now, let’s cherish it” Steve said, his voice becoming a little happier.
Steve cut a part of his pancake when his phone started to ring from the kitchen counter. He pushed the pan and said, “Help yourself. I’ll get it.” He walked over to the country and opened his flip phone.
“Hello, this is Steve…”
Bucky took a piece of a pancake and put it in his mouth.
“- really?” Steve said, his face no longer smiling. “Is everyone ok?”
Bucky looked up and placed his fork down slowly.
“Thank you Clint, talk to you soon,” Steve said, his voice fearful. Bucky didn’t like the amount of fear and concern in his voice. The fear in Steve’s voice leaked into Bucky’s mind.
Steve walked over to the table and put both his hands on it. He took a long sigh and stared at the table. They were both silent for a few seconds until Steve broke the silence. “Something happened, and someone broke into Sam’s house.”
“What?!” exclaimed Bucky. “But we just saw him yesterday!”
“I know and that’s what worries me. Whoever it was, they worked fast and organized.” Steve pushed away from the table and walked over to his couch, where a circular leather bag laid next to a backpack. He swung the backpack around his shoulder and picked up the leather bag. “Buck,” Steve said, no longer filled with the lightheartedness of the morning, “I’ll be back in a bit. Make yourself home.”
Steve started to walk towards the door briskly but Bucky grabbed his arm, “No Steve. I’m coming with you.”
Steve looked at him and sighed. “You said you wanted to settle down. You can’t settle down like this.”
“I’m not going to rest now. Not with Sam in danger. Maybe later, but not now. I’m coming. Give me a minute.” Bucky let go of Steve’s arm and ran to his room. A few moments later he emerged from his room with a black duffel bag. “Let’s go.”
Steve frowned slightly, “I don’t know how smart that is Bucky. I mean, you just came from fighting two large fights, after fighting a completely different fight for 70 years.”
“Steve, I know, but I’ve caused so much harm in this world, that I owe the world this. I owe Sam this. He fought alongside me, just like you did.”
He opened his mouth like he wanted to argue, but he closed it, thinking about what he was going to say. “Fine, but you have to be back here in two days. Your meeting with the therapist is in three days, and you aren’t about to miss it”
“But-”
“Listen,” STeve said, placing his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, “Talking helps. Plus, that’s part of the pardon conditions”
“... fine” Bucky said, defeated. “So I can come?”
Steve smiled and draped his arm around Bucky's shoulders, “Yes you can”.
They both got into the car and started to head over to Sam’s apartment. They were both silent. Bucky starred as the trees raced by and the glint of metal caught dashed by, from between the trees. He tried to look back to see what it was but saw nothing and he decided to rest his head on the back of the car. Damn it, I'm seeing things now? He rested his head on his hand and closed his eyes. Then the entire car jolted and the roof caved in slightly.
Steve and Bucky looked at the roof, and at that instance someone broke in through Bucky’s window, slamming him into Steve’s side. The car swerved and came to a fast halt. Cars started to honk behind them as the SUV blocked the lanes. The man then pushed himself out of the window and before Bucky had the chance to undo his seatbelt, the car was flipped upside down. Glass shattered and rained on both of them.
Steve’s head hit the steering wheel and fell unconscious. Bucky pressed himself hard against the car seat so that he wouldn’t fly into the dashboard.
A few people emerged from the woods around the highway and bullets started to rain towards the car
Bucky felt blood trickle down his face and as he opened his eyes, blood started to blur the area around him. He attempted to wipe his face using his left hand but he noticed that it was pinned down under something, but he couldn’t tell what. He felt his breath speed up as the blood started to get into his eyes.
No, he thought to himself, not again. Please God, no.
Even with the summer warmth, the bitter cold of Germany bit into his bones. He felt tears build up in his eyes. Not again. He felt helpless, powerless. He wanted to pull his arm from under the dashboard, but he couldn’t, no matter how hard he pulled. As he pulled harder and harder, in an attempt to pull his arm out, he could feel his metallic shoulder pull against his back muscles, but he still couldn’t escape.
He needed to get out.