It had been a long fucking five years alone, sure you had Nat and Steve around at the Avengers Facility. But no matter how much time you spent with them doing whatever to keep your mind busy, at the end of the day, you were undoubtedly alone. You liked it that way at one point in your complicated life as an Avenger, but after the blip, you absolutely despised it.
No one had expected what would have happened to be so terrible and tragic, or it to even go the way that it did. You had never even heard of Thanos or what the fuck kind of weirdass monsters could exist from other parts of the galaxy until they showed up knocking. How rude huh.
Life was peaceful before hand, well for the most part; you were an Avenger, someone who was part of the team. A conjurer of flame and ash, a Phoenix held within that was not afraid to use your power, and you used it well.
Then as per usual, shit went down and low and behold you met the one and only James Buchanan Barnes, Steve's old friend with the metal arm and troubling history. Not to mention a face to die for, or at least one that would cause a bit of a chaotic scuffle between your two friends. They clearly had other priorities apart from yours at the time which was keep Steve out of jail, don't burn anyone, and refrain from flirting with his 90 something year old friend. You tried your best in most of those areas. Most of them.
Nonetheless, you fell hard and fast for the blue eyed man, and him the same for you, his feisty little firecracker with a heart as big and bright as a dragons. So when he went to Wakanda to lie low and get some much needed help. You followed.
With a heartfelt goodbye and a lasting kiss, he went under for a couple long weeks until Shuri and her expert team of scientists were able to fix what those bastards at Hydra had done to him.
For a short yet blessedly peaceful amount of time did you and your dark haired lover live safely within the Wakandan borders. In a small and beautiful little village by a lake, a hut all your own to shelter you from the heat and rain that poured hard onto the earth, and most wonderfully of all you had Bucky.
Life was simple for the first time in a long time, you spent the days helping out the locals and teaching the children how to properly swing a stick in defense, you know completely normal leisure activities. Spending the evenings making a big fire to tell stories under and cook the best food in Wakanda.
And the nights? You spent those wrapped up in Bucky's arm, although most times you would be the big spoon which he loved more then anything in the whole world. Telling you it's not just because you're naturally warm, but that he's been admittedly a bit touch starved from the years alone and lost. And for that you would always hold him closer.
Then that fateful day came crashing into your lives like a waterfall against rock, your friends had shown up claiming some being called Thanos was coming to take a stone out of Vision's head. Yeah that was a new one.
The battle wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either, you were able to save many lives by scorching the beasts that pursed onward. Letting whips of flame slash hard against the enemy with great skill and force from your bending. Then the world seemed to still, and the wind swayed the trees oddly.
Then HE came, the Titan from another world, he threw down all in his path without an ounce of mercy or remorse. You and Wanda were so close, so damn close to stopping him, but then he threw you back with the whole force of the gauntlet and a moment later Vision was dead.
Your head was bleeding and a fresh scar had marked your jaw in a bloody red slash from the impact. Though your mind didn't have time to register nor care as Thanos abruptly disappeared into oblivion, leaving a confused Thor in his wake. Much like the rest of the Avengers.
Then to your horror, one by one, your friends began to turn to ash and dust. Gone. You raced for Bucky nearby, praying to who'd ever listen to spare him or you for that matter. You just needed ten more seconds and then you could have held him one last time, touched his precious skin, ran your fingers through his long dark locks.
Looked into his ocean blue eyes, but no, the universe laughed as you gasped in panic, then it snickered as you screamed. Cheering you on as you sobbed in a cyclone of your own fire until the ground was scorched to shriveled dry earth. And no more tears could fall, your throat raw and heart broken in two.
Your world was gone, a memory forever kept locked inside your heart and soul. He was gone, he was your world, Bucky made your life better and you his.
For the coming months you were a mess, an angry and frustrated wreck of a person. Functioning by sheer will power and Natasha to keep you afloat in your new dreary little world of nothingness. You envied Steve for his ability to keep most of his shit together, and where almost enraged by Tony who had everything still intact. Pepper and a child on the way, how cruel the universe appeared.
You would wake up in the middle of the night sweating, your heart racing a mile a minute and usually part of the wall behind you would be burnt and blackened. You never set fire to anything thank god, but fuck, your heart hurt so much.
You wanted to scream most days, but as one year rolled into two and then three, the dull dreary ache in your body subdued to a tiny flicker of sadness. It became almost nonexistent during the day as you went about Avenger business, only to burn hot and angry at night.
You wanted to move on and forget, but you couldn't, he was too important. They all didn't deserve to go like that, none of them. And so another year passed, then it was year five since the blip, more months passed on. Until out of nowhere something or perhaps someone miraculous lit the way into a new sense of hope.
Resulting in the return of everyone who had been lost before, including your Bucky. And from that moment after the battle, when at long last you had finally found him, you knew life would never be the same.
——
Rain pours relentlessly from outside your apartment window, a rhythmic pitter patter near your bedside that aids in keeping you asleep and unbothered for the time being. No sooner do you reach the climax of your dream that consists of you being chased by a giant monarch butterfly with no weapon but a sandbox plastic shovel, do you wake. Strange dream.
All your senses flooding back into you as you feel for your lover in the darkness, your eyes still closed as you do so. Your hand slides across the crinkled bedsheets to no avail, the spot next to you is undeniably empty and rather cold.
oh, Bucky.
Cracking one eye open you glance at the alarm clock where it reads 1:10am in big red letters, illuminating the nightstand that it sits on. You take in a deep breath and roll onto your back to stare up at the ceiling, this has become a reoccurring event with Bucky in the following months since his return.
In Wakanda things were different, it was like a nice prolonged vacation away from all your problems and responsibilities of the world. Now, you two have an apartment somewhere in New York City all your own. Bucky goes to therapy and does his best to integrate back into his new role as a civilian while you work as an Avenger part time. The other half used for being a supporting loving girlfriend to Bucky and a hacker on the side for extra cash in the bank.
You get it though, he's adjusting the best he's able to manage right now, and even when he swears the nightmares are gone for good. You know him too well to believe that shit, you can see it in his eyes, he may have been a master assassin at one point. Now he's with a skilled and almost equally as weathered Avenger who's seen her share of people really going through it.
It's not like you were doing any better, you'd wake up screaming in the dead of night from another nightmare involving losing Bucky again. That only lasted for a month or so, but still, it sucked and hurt every damn time. So you get it, nightmares can be a bitch.
Blinking the bleariness out of your eyes, you yawn into the darkness and take a moment to listen to the sound of the rain. It's peaceful and calm, and though you'd like nothing more then to roll over and fall back into the dark comfortable void of sleep. You long to see Bucky again, even if you saw him not even two hours ago.
Pulling the blanket off of your body, you slowly sit up and face the blurry window that overlooks the glowing city, well more so the park close by. Pushing some hair out of your face, you stand and take a brief moment to stretch before letting your right hand emit a beautiful blue flame.
It proptly lights up the dark room into a shadowed yet still visible one, with a lazy proud smile, you move for the opened bedroom door. Your flame lights the way down the hall until you wander past the tiny kitchen and stop in your living room to the sound of heavy breathing coming from the far end.
You give a lopsided smirk to no one in particular as you pad over to the man who's sweaty and shirtless on the wooden apartment floor in nothing but his boxers and a single blanket that's not covering much. Well he sure looks like a hot mess, your hot mess that is.
He gives you an apologetic glance before staring tiredly back at the nearby wall. You extinguish your flame and gently nudge his leg with your sock, "How's the floor?" You ask with a tinge of humor to lighten the mood.
He lets out a breathy laugh before looking back up at you, "Solid." Quips Bucky in reference to the hard floor and perhaps his take on the makeshift bed, always one for a bit of humor huh.
Chuckling you crouch down to better meet his shadowed gaze, "I guess so," You mutter with a shrug, "....afraid I might burn you in my sleep?"
Shaking his head, he gifts you the flash of a smile, "No. Not this time Y/N."
You smile back before sitting down next to him, you look down at his hand before reaching out to take it without any resistance, "I know it's the nightmares Bucky." You whisper softly, your eyes sincere and true, "You don't have to hold it all in okay, I don't.....I don't want you to do that."
Letting out a reluctant sigh, Bucky frowns, "I know Y/N....I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, I just love you too much to see you hurting. I've missed you for what feels like a hundred goddamn years and I don't want you to slip away from me.." You add with a sad smile, "Never again."
Squeezing your hand gently, Bucky nods, "You're not going to lose me okay. I promise you that much alright. I love you Y/N." And he means every word.
"That's good then. Can you at least tell me something to ease your mind from what's bothering you?" You ask with a hopeful smile, "Please. Remember what the therapist talked about with speaking your thoughts and feelings....it's like emptying a treasure chest or some shit."
"Right." Laughs Bucky, "Can't say you're going to find any gold in here."
"Shut up I don't care." You muse with a shrug, "I'm here to listen."
"As the lady wishes." Retorts Bucky with a half-assed bow that caused you to break out into a small smile at his cheekiness.
"Wait." You pause.
"What?"
"Can we sit on the couch for this I wanna lay next to you."
Rolling his eyes, Bucky fakes his annoyance as you patiently await his answer, "Fine." He confirms, quickly standing up and taking you with him, "But you gotta lay on me I'm kinda cold now."
Bucky falls onto the large comfortable couch with a dramatic huff as he pulls you onto his shirtless body, "Weren't you just all sweaty?" You wonder with a raised brow as he quickly wraps his arms around your waist.
"Yep."
"Gross."
Bucky chuckles, "Well you're making me talk about my feelings."
"That's because you won't talk about them with your actual therapist." You sass back.
"I hate it when you're right." Mutters Bucky into your cheek as you snicker at his adorably dramatic self.
"I think your brain short circuited and misplaced the word hate for absolutely love and adore."
"Maybe." Adds Bucky as he steals a sweet kiss, "I'm still working through things you know."
"Okay smartass. Now tell me what's on your mind."
His chest rises as he takes a deep heavy sigh, he stares out the nearby window that keeps the rainy city from being bothersome. You can't completely see his face due to the darkened room, but you're close enough to see the way his face turns into a frown.
Suddenly you think maybe you shouldn't have bugged him to speak about his nightmares. Until he purses his lips together and glances those big beautiful blue eyes down at you, the flash of a smile revealing itself in a split second.
To give him a bit more confidence and perhaps to calm his nerves, do you reach a hand up to gently caress his stubbled cheek, "Was it the Starks again?" You whisper softly in question, knowing how much it still haunts him. Among all the others.
Closing his eyes, he leans into your touch, "Not this time." Mutters Bucky before taking that hand in his as he rests his head against the couches puffy arm. "Someone else.....Someone who got in the way. Wrong place wrong time."
"oh." Slips from your mouth quietly, you're not sure what else to say, but you're still hoping he'll speak a little more about it. "Do they have anything to do with your list?"
It's a shot in the dark, but you're well aware of Bucky's goal to make amends with his past and the people tied with it, maybe someone might be linked to it by chance.
Bucky takes another weighted breath, you can just sense how terrible he feels about this person. "Bucky take your time, it's okay I'm right here."
Looking for a positive sign you watch as he closes his eyes once again before moving his head a little bit so that it rests against yours, "I know....it's just, difficult."
"Always is."
"Yeah."
Kissing your forehead, his flesh arm wraps around your waist as he makes himself more comfortable before continuing, "I was in some government building at night.....tasked with eliminating some special high end target. I finished the mission in under a minute, but uh....there was a civilian who saw everything."
"Oh shit."
"Yeah." Mumbles Bucky against your skin as he takes a moment to gather himself, soon he shifts underneath you once more before letting out a soft breath, "I shot him."
A bang of sadness washes over you in that brief second and then a sparking anger for what Hydra had forced him to do. You keep silent and wait for Bucky to continue on with his story.
"That guy I killed. He um....he uh, he didn't deserve that....but I had to." Bucky's voice is shaky as he puts his words together, "And you know what's the worst about this?"
"I'd like not to imagine it but I know you should tell me."
"You remember Yori?"
"Of course, he takes us to that great sushi place sometimes."
Bucky squeezes his eyes shut as he hugs you tighter against his bare chest for some kind of comfort, his voice nothing but a regretful whisper, "I killed his son."
Your eyes soften as he reveals who this mystery civilian was, "Damn."
"Out of all the people in this world and I meet the man who's son I murdered for Hydra."
"That's almost a sick joke."
"I know. God I'm so fucked up."
"No." You protest softly while he hides his face in your neck, "I know you've heard this a thousand times but that wasn't you. It wasn't the real James Buchanan Barnes alright, you didn't have a choice. Those fuckers took that away from you."
"I know Y/N, but I still did it."
"Bucky look at me." You ask kindly, to your genuine surprise he lifts his head from your neck to look into your determined gaze, "You're not the only one here who was manipulated and had their freedom taken from them by Hydra. I've done terrible things too, but you know what? We were never truly ourselves then, they molded us into their weapons and now.....they can never touch us again. You understand me?"
Tears whell up in Bucky's shimmering eyes at your truthfully honest words, he had temporarily forgotten that you were once an unwilling participant in Hydra's mind stone experimentations many years ago.
"I understand...." Mutters Bucky as he swallows hard, "what would I be without you?"
Giving him a small tearful smile, you gently wipe away a stray tear from his cheek, "A little bit more alone I'd say."
"You're a hundred times braver then me you know that? I couldn't image five years without you and these fucking nightmares." Admits Bucky as he moves to rest his head in the crook of your neck, "I'd go insane."
Appreciating this close proximity and his heartfelt confession, you smile into the darkness, "I think I did. Thing is about shitty situations like that....life moves on and finds a way. I have you now, I thought I would lose you forever."
"I'm glad you didn't."
"Me too."