Missing Piece

You and Bucky learned to communicate better with each other. If there was something that you weren’t sure about or he wasn’t sure about, you asked questions or just told each other how you felt. 

The misunderstanding you’d had scared the both of you. Living in an awkward situation was much better than not talking to each other, and you made sure it would never happen again. 

It did bring you closer. 

You were pretty much inseparable now. Though neither you or Bucky were really comfortable being as open and vulnerable when other people were around, you still found ways to comfort and ground yourselves. 

You sat close but never too close, you were never really touching unless one of you felt anxious, you never hugged each other when other people were around; you had talked about it and you both agreed it was what made you the most comfortable. 

Steve understood Bucky but the others didn’t. You knew that they would take every opportunity to make a joke, that would end up making one, or both, of you uncomfortable and you didn’t want to risk him closing himself up. 

You learned to communicate with each other without having to actually use words. You would look at each other and you’d know almost instantly what the other felt or thought, if you needed help or if you were doing ok.

Sometimes you’d walk by and get a little closer than you normally would just so you could quickly grab his hand and squeeze it to show him you were there. He’d do the same thing with you. Though as an ex-assassin, he was a lot more subtle than you were. 

You slept in each other’s room every night. Alternating between his and yours. You wanted to complain to Tony that Bucky’s mattress was a lot more comfortable than yours but that would mean you’d have to admit you were sleeping in his bed; and as far as you knew, no one had noticed and you wanted to keep it this way. 

It wasn’t that hard to hide from everyone, it’s not like they went out of their way to stop by either Bucky’s room or yours. 

There wasn’t a single night where you’d slept alone, you were now completely codependent when it came to your sleep schedules. 

Not that either of you complained, you were more than fine with it. Bucky was your best friend and spending time with him was anything but painful. 

There was one small detail you hadn’t thought of. 

Bucky wasn’t ‘’officially’’ a part of the Avengers, technically he was still wanted by some authorities but Fury had given him a safe haven considering everything. Bucky might not have been an Avenger but you were. That meant you had a job to do and a duty to fulfill. 

/

Your life has been the same over and over again every day for the past month. 

You woke up next to/under Bucky in his or your bed, you’d fight with him so he’d let you get up, once you were able to move, you’d get dressed and go eat breakfast with everybody else, there was training, mission reports, dinner and then back to his or your bed with Bucky. 

/

You had been training with Natasha when Tony walked in, announcing an emergency meeting and that everybody had to meet upstairs. 

That wasn’t good. 

For weeks there had been talk that there were some scientists in Rostov-On-Don in Russia, working on some kind of bio weapon. Fury had been on their trail for several months, finally now it looks like he had finally found something tangible. His sources said that the scientists were probably part of Hydra and that the bio weapon was believed to be a super soldier serum. If Hydra had found a way to recreate the serum, the world was in danger.

‘’With the informations we’ve received, we need to send a team there to do our own assessment of the threat.’’ Tony explained. 

‘’Cap and Nat, you need to bring back anything you’ll be able to find; even if it doesn’t look like much.’’ Tony turned and looked at you.

‘’You’re also going sweetheart, direct orders from Fury.’’ He added.

That wasn’t good. If Fury wanted you there, it meant bad news. You had one purpose and one purpose only.  Fury alone knew what it was, aside from you, but when you were necessary for a mission it meant he’s expecting the worst.

‘’How long are we leaving for?’’ Natasha asked. 

‘’Depending on how it goes, 4 to 5 days. Maybe more, maybe less.’’ Tony answered, reading the notes Fury had given him.

‘’When are we leaving?’’ You asked, hoping he wasn’t about to say now.

‘’Two weeks from today.’’

You nodded and stopped listening after that. It was bad news on top of bad news. You hadn’t been on a mission in a long time and now you were about to leave for days.

For days.

That means you won’t be able to sleep in the compound for almost a week.

Almost a week’s worth of nights that you won’t have Bucky with you. 

Shit, you thought. 

/

Once the meeting was done, you grabbed the files Tony needed you to read to prep before leaving and headed straight to your room. 

How the hell were you going to tell Bucky?

/

You entered your room, relieved to see he wasn’t waiting for you and decided to take a shower before going to see him. 

After your shower you dried your hair just enough that it wasn’t dripping on everything, you put on your favorite pair of skinny jeans and one of your numerous band tees, you grabbed your phone and slid it in your front pocket and left your room to go to Bucky’s. 

/

You knocked gently and waited for him to let you in. You heard some shuffling around and finally the door opened, your best friend now standing in front of you. He waved you inside and closed the door behind you, going back to sit on his bed where he had been sitting before you knocked. You followed and sat with your back against the headboard on ‘’your’’ side of the bed. 

‘’That was a long training you had with Nat.’’

You shook your head slightly and chewed nervously on your bottom lip, only letting it go to speak.

‘’No, it was actually cut short. We had an emergency meeting.’’

He frowned, yet curious to know what was happening. Emergency meetings meant that someone, somewhere was doing evil things. Very evil things if the Avengers were needed. 

‘’They found what they believe to be Hydra scientists somewhere in Russia… They need a small team over there in two weeks.’’

You avoided looking at him, instead focusing on your hands that played with the hem of your shirt.

‘’Who’s going?’’ He asked hesitantly, though he had an idea from the way you were acting. 

‘’Nat… Steve…’’ You trailed off.

‘’And?’’ He encouraged you to finish. 

‘’Me.’’ You sighed. 

He turned to sit facing you.

‘’Don’t you want to go?’’

‘’I mean it’s my job, I don’t mind going…’’ You shrugged.

‘’Then why do you look like someone just took your puppy from you?’’ His eyebrows raised in confusion.

‘’We’ll be gone for 4 to 5 days… Maybe more, depending on how it goes.’’

‘’That’s not that long, it’s not even a full we- oh.’’ Understanding why you looked so sad.

‘’Yeah.’’

Neither of you spoke for several minutes. 

Bucky was going to be completely alone for possibly an entire week, Steve would be gone and you would be too. Just the idea of not having Steve, but mostly you, around made his heart beat faster with sheer panic. You weren’t taking the news very well either. 

You kept avoiding looking at him and he hated that. Not because he found it annoying, it was his one way of always knowing how you were feeling. You knew that, hence why you didn’t want to look at him. 

He crawled on the bed, on his hands and knees, until he was right in front of you. He leaned closer to you, burying his face in your neck, propping both of his hands on either side of your hips to keep himself from falling onto you and kissed the skin of your neck over and over again until he felt you relax. 

He leaned back, just enough to be able to look at you. You were looking at him, it brought a smile to his face. You were still chewing on your bottom lip nervously. 

Putting most of his weight on his left hand and raising his right one to cup your cheek, he stroked it tenderly with his thumb a few times then swiped it against your bottom lip, pulling gently on it with the pad of his thumb until you finally let go of it. 

It was slightly swollen from the not so gentle assault of your teeth. Bucky moved his hand to hold your chin and brushed his thumb again on your bottom lip, as if he was trying to make it feel better. 

Thankfully, he was too busy focusing on what he was doing to notice that you were barely breathing, overwhelmed by the feeling of having him so close and touching you the way he did. It wasn’t the first time he did either of those but this time felt different. 

‘’You need to stop doing this, before you hurt yourself for real.’’ He looked up to your eyes. 

‘’I know, I know.’’ If it weren’t for his thumb, you’d probably start biting down on it. 

He kissed your forehead and moved to sit next to you; letting go of your chin.

‘’It’ll be ok.’’ He took your hand and squeezed it gently. 

/

The week after the announcement went by like usual, sticking to your new found routine. It all came to a stop early this morning.

When you woke up, Bucky was already gone. The bed was cold. It was weird that he was gone but it was also weird that you hadn’t woken up when he did. You moved to get out of bed and felt that there were pillows where Bucky was supposed to be. Probably why you hadn’t woken up. 

You went to breakfast, he wasn’t there. You went to the gym, he wasn’t there. You went to the room you usually went to read, he wasn’t there. 

While you were looking for him, you ran into Steve.

‘’Hey toots.’’ He grinned at you, pulling you into a hug. 

‘’Hey Stevie.’’ You smiled. 

‘’Are you excited to go on a mission with me?’’ He smirked. ‘’Just so you know, there’s only one correct answer to this question.’’ 

You laughed and rolled your eyes.

‘’Of course I’m excited. It’s been a while since we spent some time together.’’ You looked down, knowing it was your fault. 

You were so wrapped up in your ‘’Bucky bubble’’ that you had neglected your time with Steve and you felt horrible. 

He shook his head.

‘’It’s fine. I’m happy to see that you and Bucky get along so well. I don’t really have time to just hang out and he needs someone to be with him. He’s been through a lot and he deserves to have someone looking out for him. I’m glad it’s you.’’ He smiled, trying to reassure you. 

‘’Still… I feel awful. I’m sorry Stevie.’’ You hugged him again, as tightly as you could; making him laugh.

He stroked your back with his hands. 

‘’You’re forgiven.’’ He kissed the top of your head before letting go. ‘’By the way, where’s Buck? He’s usually not far behind you.’’

You shrugged, biting your bottom lip then letting it go quickly. You really did need to stop doing that.

‘’I don’t know. I can’t find him anywhere.’’

‘’Have you tried his room?’’ His brows furrowed, it wasn’t like Bucky to hide from you.

‘’That’s where I’m headed.’’

‘’Say hi to him for me.’’ He smiled at you one last time and made his way back to where he had been heading when you had bumped into him.  

/

You exited the elevator on your floor and walked towards his room, a path you knew all too well by now. You raised your hand and knocked.

‘’Jamie?’’ You waited.

Nothing.

You knocked again. 

Nothing. 

Something felt off. 

Usually, if Bucky didn’t answer the door you just walked away but your gut was telling you to open the door. 

You opened it slowly, not too wide. Just enough to be able to look inside. It was completely dark and you couldn’t see anything. He wasn't there either. Where the hell was he?

You moved to step out and close the door but something caught your attention, making you stop. 

You narrowed your eyes, trying to see more clearly. 

You walked in and shut the door quickly, not making any noise. You took off your shoes and walked until you were standing next to the side of his bed. You kneeled on the floor and tilted your head, staring into those blue eyes you loved so much. You laid your hands flat on your thighs. 

‘’Hey.’’ You whispered.

He just stared at you. 

‘’I’ve been looking everywhere for you.’’ You kept whispering.

You looked him over. The cover was pulled all the way up, ending just under his chin. He had so many pillows around his head, you could barely see him. Except for his eyes. Something was off in his eyes, the glimmer that usually makes them sparkle was gone. 

‘’What’s wrong?’’ You kept your voice low, trying not to startle him. 

He kept looking at you, not saying a word. You felt your heart drop in your stomach. He looked so sad. You lifted your hand and cupped his cheek gently. You stroked his skin with your thumb as softly as you could. It’s something he liked to do to you when you were worried or anxious, clearly it was something he found soothing. 

‘’What can I do?’’ You asked, unsure of what he needed. 

This was the first time since you met him that you had to take care of him like this. Usually, it’s the other way around. You were always so impressed by the fact that he always seemed to be in a, somewhat, good mood. You knew him well enough to know when he was lying about how he was and it happened really rarely. 

This whole situation was new to you and you didn’t know what to do. You just knew that you absolutely hated to see him this way and you’d do pretty much anything to switch places with him. 

Bucky had started to feel a bit off last night. He didn’t know what it was but he just brushed it off, sometimes he’d get in a bit of a bad mood but it usually always went away on its own. Especially when you were around to take his mind off of it. Except this time he woke up in the middle of the night, his heart beating so fast and so hard in his chest, he thought the whole compound could hear it. He had let go of you, being really careful to not wake you up and he sat up in your bed. That’s when he noticed that he had been sweating. Beads of sweat rolled down his temple, his cheek and then fell on his shirt. He tried to calm himself down but nothing worked. 

15 minutes went by and he had contemplated waking you up but then he looked down at you and you looked so peaceful and comfortable, he’d much rather deal with it on his own than disturb you. 

He got out of bed as slowly as he could, trying not to make the mattress move too much, which was a lot harder than it looked when you were a mountain of pure muscles. 

He grabbed the pillows you had tossed aside before going to bed and gently tucked them behind your back; hoping it would keep you from noticing he was gone. 

Using the skills he had perfected over the past 70 years of being one of the most deadly assassins in the world, he moved around you and he exited your room without making a sound and rushed to his. 

Bucky spent most of the night awake, pacing around his room while his mind was racing with a million thoughts. He was having an anxiety attack. He was more than familiar with them, having your memories zapped out of your brain tended to do that to someone but then again he never had to actually deal with them. When they started, his handlers would just wipe his mind and if he was too out of control, they’d put him under cryo. 

He was exhausted, yet his mind didn’t want to let him sleep. He decided to get in bed anyway, he curled up under his cover and waited, and waited and waited but nothing was working. 

He wanted you. He needed you to be with him right now but there was this little voice in his head that was telling him that you probably hated him, that you were taking care of him out of pity and that he was a pain in the ass, that a full grown man should be able to handle an anxiety attack by himself. He knew it was all a lie but rationality had just been thrown out the window. 

He had been so relieved when he heard you at his door but when he tried to call out to you, to get you to come in; the little voice made him shut up. 

Looking at you now, he felt bad for ever doubting that his best girl wouldn’t show up for him or that she wouldn’t worry about him.

His silence only made you worry more. 

‘’Are you hurt?’’

He shook his head, barely moving. You were feeling powerless and you were mad at yourself for not being able to help Bucky when he needed you the most. 

Suddenly, you felt his hand cover yours, the one that was still on his cheek and he moved it to his chest, right on top of his heart. Your eyes widened when you felt his heart beat against your hand. You could also feel that he wasn’t breathing normally. Then, it all clicked. The laying in the dark, not being able to explain what’s wrong, the increased heartbeat and difficulty breathing. 

‘’You’re having an anxiety attack.’’ You whispered, more to yourself but you saw him nodding. 

You felt a little relief, being no stranger to those as you were having them yourself quite frequently. At least now you felt like you could be useful and you’d be able to help him.

‘’Ok, ok.’’ Your mind was racing, going through everything you knew to do to help calm him down. ‘’Can you sit?’’

You slowly stood up, letting go of him to take away all the pillows that were around his upper body. You lifted the cover and helped him sit up, making him sit at the edge with his feet on the ground. You looked around and grabbed the hair tie that was on his nightstand. With both hands, you ran your fingers through his hair a few times; pushing it all back and tying his hair as best as you could. He was still sweating and you needed to get his body temperature down. 

‘’You’re gonna take a quick shower okay? We’ll get you into some dry clothes and I’ll get you clean sheets.’’

He started to panic, not wanting you to leave him alone. He grabbed your wrist, a little bit harder than he normally would but given the situation, you barely noticed.

‘’I’m going to be here the whole time ok? I’m not leaving the room. If there’s anything I’ll be there in two seconds ok? But you need to change, it’ll help make you feel better. I promise.’’ 

You were the one person Bucky trusted, more than anyone else, even more than Steve (don’t tell him), and if you thought that a shower would help then he would do just that. 

You kissed his forehead twice then went to his dresser to get him clean clothes. You grabbed a pair of sweats, a t-shirt and a pair of boxers, leaving it all in the bathroom for him; you also started his shower for him so the water would be at the perfect temperature. 

You walked back into the room and smiled reassuringly. 

‘’Go. I’ll be right here.’’

Bucky got up and finally felt how tense he had been, his whole body felt sore. He walked to the bathroom, only stopping once to kiss your cheek and disappeared behind the door as he closed it. 

You hurried and took everything off his bed, throwing it next to the door so you’d think of bringing it down with you when it would be time to do laundry. You went into his closet, where you knew he always kept an extra set of clean sheets, and made his bed. You took a bottle of water from the mini fridge that Tony all made you keep in your rooms, putting it on the nightstand. You sat down on the bed, waiting for Bucky to come out. 

You smiled at Bucky when he finally came out,you handed him the bottle of water and watched him drink most of it before lifting the blankets for him and covering him with them once he was under them. He was about to completely lay down but his hair was still wet, so he decided to tie them up again before resting his head on his pillow.

He tried laying on his back but he was too uncomfortable, he went back to lying on his side; the same position you had found him in. 

‘’Do you want me to put the pillows back around you? Were they helping?’’

He shook his head and started blushing furiously. 

‘’No…’’ His voice was raspy. ‘’I was just-’’ He sighed, embarrassed by what he was about to say. ‘’I was hoping they’d feel like you were the one holding me, hoping it would make me feel better.’ 

Your heart almost burst at how adorable he was being. Your cheeks were suddenly very hot. 

‘’Well, I’m here now. Just tell me what you need.’’

‘’I don’t know what I need.’’ It almost came out as a whine, he was exhausted and annoyed. He just wanted for his body to calm down and let him rest. ‘’You. I just need you.’’ 

You quickly moved under the covers and hugged him from behind, your whole body resting against his back. You wrapped your arm around his middle and squeezed him gently. 

‘’Does that help?’’

He nodded. You smiled and got closer, if it was even possible. He put his arm on top of yours and your hand, intertwining your fingers together. He lifted both your hands and brought them to his chest, right above his heart and held them there. 

You rested your forehead between his shoulder blades, closing your eyes.

You stayed like this for about an hour, only moving when you pressed kisses on his back every now and then. 

You were thinking that Bucky had fallen asleep, not being able to check if he really did. You were surprised to hear him talk.

‘’Baby?’’ 

You tightened your hold on both his body and hand instinctively, your body being on ‘’must protect Bucky’’ mode.

‘’Jamie?’’ You said to let him know you were all ears.

‘’I don’t want you to go.’’ He whispered, his voice breaking at the end of his sentence.

Your heart shattered in thousands of little pieces.