Forgive yourself to progress yourself
At first, living with Steve was no different than sleep overs they had as kids. However, the dynamic between the three did indeed start to change after the initial few weeks. It became rather clear to (Y/N) that Steve’s mother Sarah, God rest her soul, had ingrained some somewhat hateful things into his brain. Not that he faulted them for it. He knew how catholics were, especially the irish, given how his father was himself. It made being with Bucky and being friends with Steve, difficult to say the least.
When (Y/N) was home from deployment, he tried his best to remain friendly with him, regardless of the looks he got when Steve thought he didn't notice them. When he got home early from his shift at the bar, he took it upon himself to start up dinner for them. He smiled softly to himself as “I’ll be seeing you” played on the record he put on not long ago. He sang softly as he prepared the food but couldn't bring himself to put a smile on his face. Not when he was alone. When he was about halfway through with cooking, he heard the record stop abruptly, causing him to flinch slightly at the small scratch it made and the silence that followed. When he turned around and peered into the living room the best he could, he saw Steve standing there with a sour look on his face before making his way to the kitchen. (Y/N) sighed internally and went back to cooking. “Do you have to play that record so much?” Steve asked softly but his words had a slight bite to them. (Y/N) raised an eyebrow at him but continued to cook. “I like that record. Makes me feel a bit happy. Besides, no one else was home, it was just me. I don't see anything wrong with it Steven.” He said in the same tone Steve used. He cringed slightly when he heard (Y/N) use his first name paired with that tone but he scoffed slightly before he took a beer out of the ice box. He opened it carefully and took a small sip. “It makes sense that a fairy like you would like that kinda music.” he mumbled under his breath as he walked back to the living room but (Y/N) heard him anyway. He slammed the knife point down into the cutting board, causing it to stand straight up. It startled Steve slightly, causing him to look over at (Y/N) as he paused in the doorway. “Steven Grant Rogers.." he said as he placed his hands on the counter, looking down at the partially chopped vegetables by the knife. “You know, I put up with a lot. With people, with the blockheads in my units and my superiors. I never once thought that you would act like this.. act like my father.” he said with a shaky voice, trying to keep himself calm and level, missing the fact that the front door opened. “I always felt safe with you, with Bucky. I never thought that I would ever have to worry about you acting like this towards me, hell, I'm more upset you're like this towards Bucky even though he doesn't pay much attention to it. I felt safe here Steven. The one place where I could escape from the people who talk to me like that, calling me queer or a fairy. A reprieve from everything I’ve seen over seas and everything.. everything I've had to do Stevie.” he said as his voice started to crack, a few silent tears running down his cheeks. “This was a safe place for me Steve, and you turned it into someplace where I no longer feel like that. I felt safe and you took that from me. You're nothing but the kinda bullies you hate.” he finished as he stood up a bit straighter, turning to look at him. He saw Steve looking down at the floor in a bit of shame, looking like he was having an internal debate. His eyes drifted behind Steve and saw Bucky with a sad look on his face. He sniffled slightly and wiped his cheeks a bit as he cleared his throat. “You boys can finish cooking, I'm goin’ to spend some time with our girls.” he said softly before excusing himself from the kitchen to use the passageway behind the bookshelf. Bucky carefully passed Steve and went to wash his hands so he could pick up where (Y/N) left off so nothing got over cooked or burned. Steve leaned against the door frame, letting out a rattling cough as he tried to control his breathing, knowing that being stressed out wasn't good for him. “You wanna tell me what I walked into?” Bucky asked softly as he finished up the food prep. Somehow (Y/N) always managed to make food for at least six people. Steve shifted uncomfortably as he took another sip of his beer before setting it down on the counter. “I uh.. called him a fairy for listening to Billie Holliday again..” he said softly, looking down at the floor in shame. He hummed in response a bit. "That record has his favorite song on it. We danced to it the night before he was shipped off." He said before he sighed softly as he finished up the food. He motioned for him to help set the table so he could plate the food for everyone. “You know that you shouldn’t call him that right?” He said as he let Steve help him serve the food. He nodded slightly and sighed. “I just.. it slipped out. I didn't even mean to say it.” Bucky shook his head a bit and leaned against the counter, sipping on Steve’s beer. “You know how Don love Ruth and how he married her straight outta school?” He said with a small smile. Steve just nodded a bit, not seeing where he was going with this. “Well, that’s how I love (Y/N). I know that we’ve all been friends for the longest time but.. I want to protect him. I'd do anything for him, Steve. There ain't nothing wrong with it either." He paused for a moment before glancing over at him. "You know how you can't help that Vanilla is your favorite flavor ice cream and even though you tried others, it's still your favorite? That's how it is with us.” He said trying his best to dumb it down and make it as simple as possible for him. Steve tilted his head a bit, trying to understand. “But ma said..” Bucky waved it off. “I know.. I know what Sarah said.. she reminded us enough growing up, same with my mom when she thought we were getting too close for their liking but.. think about it Steve. Who are they, or anyone really, to tell us who we can like or wanna marry or live with? We have to hide, keep secrets, marry others for the sake of a cover just so we can feel safe, and even then it's still a risk.” he paused, letting Steve soak it in, giving him the chance to talk if he wanted. When he didn’t voice his opinion, he continued. “You, and everyone else, are allowed to have your own opinions and thoughts on this. Hell, I won't hate you even if you still have the same beliefs on this as our parents, but understand this Stevie; “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.” I know Shakespeare says a lot of sappy stuff, but he was onto somethin’ you know. You can't change who you fall in love with, and we.. we fell for each other.” he said softly and finished the beer, setting the now empty bottle down. "Believe me, I had the same thoughts before I confessed to him. God bless him for puttin' up with my ass durin' those years." He mumbled under his breath and Steve was quiet for a moment before he finally made eye contact with him. “When did.. When did you know that you fell for him?” he asked with a small head tilt. Bucky smiled kindly as he thought about it. “Well, when we were fifteen. I was runnin’ late to meet up with him after class and a few of the other boys caught him behind the building. He uh, he broke one of the kids noses so he had blood all over him while they tried to beat on him. He just laughed at them, told them “Bet your sisters taught you mooks how to fight, cause I can hardly feel a thing!”. He was as reckless as you are really. They called him every name they could think of as they beat on him before I could step in. He got his fair share of hits in, but he looked really bad. When he saw me standing over him, he looked at me like I brought heaven down to him, even called me an angel but he blamed it on the concussion and the black eye he had.” he said with a laugh as he smiled fondly at the memory while Steve gave a small smile, faintly remembering his mom patching him up that evening. “He said that he had it all under control and that he didn't need an angel to come and help him but he was thankful, ya know? I think.. I think that was when I knew really. Can’t say the same for him but, that’s when I knew Steve. Granted I was still comin’ to terms with that, the whole liking him.. Liking boys even. He gave me all the time and patience he could.. we figured out I liked both guys and dames.. I still feel like I wasn't worth all the effort but he got me to understand it was okay. That I wasn't a freak for liking him or that I wasn't going to hell for it either.” he said softly, looking up at him with a faint blush on his cheeks that had Steve amused because the “Great Bucky Barnes” was blushing. “I never knew you were such a softie.” Steve said with a small smirk. Bucky let out a joyful laugh as he gave him a small pat on his shoulder. “Only for him, Steve. Only for him. Now come on. Let's go get him and the girls. Dinners ready and cooled off enough.” He said as he made a move to the front door, letting Steve trail behind him. When the boys arrived at the girl's door, Dot was standing there with a subtle frown and a hand on her hip. After she leveled them with a disapproving look, she stepped aside and let them in. Bucky smiled softly when he saw (Y/N) sitting at the table with Michelle, glass of wine in hand. He noticed him when Michelle looked over his shoulder and gave a small wave. He turned around in his seat slightly to look who entered and smiled softly at Bucky when he saw him. He closed his eyes for a moment when Bucky pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head as he took his wine glass from him, finishing his drink. (Y/N) gave him a slightly annoyed look but it quickly turned into a fond one. Steve shuffled awkwardly in the doorway as he put his hands in his pockets before clearing his throat slightly. He looked down for a moment before looking up at them, feeling a bit more at ease when he saw Bucky’s small smile. “We finished up dinner and would like you all to join us.. please.” He said adding the please in a voice just above a whisper. (Y/N) looked up at Bucky, who stood behind him, with a raised eyebrow. Bucky looked down at him a bit and nodded, offering him his hand to stand up. (Y/N) huffed slightly but silently agreed anyway while the girls got their shoes on. (Y/N) trailed behind everyone, making sure no one was watching their small group head over to the other side of their building. As soon as the door was closed, he gave Bucky a gentle but quick kiss on the kiss. “I'm gonna head to bed, save my plate for me?” Bucky gave him a small head tilt and a raised eyebrow but he just got a head shake in return. He sighed softly and kissed his forehead, letting him go and head to their room. “Well, come on, let's dig in before it gets cold.” Bucky said before pouring a glass of wine for the girls and grabbing himself a beer. Dinner was full of small talk, mostly how work was and what the girls were up to. Steve was slightly surprised that Dot had gotten a job at the factory and Michelle was working on getting her credentials for becoming a school teacher. “Well, I know the little kids are just gonna love you Michelle.” Bucky said softly, causing her to give him a bright smile before taking another bite of her food. While they talked, Steve mulled everything over in his head. When he saw how naturally Dot and Michelle fit together, it made his heart all fuzzy. He had to admit that they fit together better than most of the people he knew. He had eventually excused himself to use the bathroom but only got a small nod from Bucky as the three of them continued to talk. Steve huffed softly as he got up and headed to the bathroom. On his way, he heard (Y/N) talking softly. He tilted his head and went to the end of the hall to see if he could listen in on it. When he got to his door, he opened it a slight crack just so he could hear better. “You know Rudy, you're my best bud.” He said before kissing their dog on the head, giving him some head scratches as he let him sit with his head on his lap as he sat on the floor with him. Rudy gave a small whine when he stopped petting him but (Y/N) just let out a laugh that died in his throat. He let out a shaky sigh before tilting his head back, letting it rest on the edge of the bed. “You’re a really lucky dog. All you do is sleep and eat. I'm really jealous of you. But you and Buck make it real worth it comin’ home when I can.. Even Stevie. He’s a mook sometimes but he’s still my best friend. I know you still love him but then again you love anyone who gives you attention and food huh?” He said in a slightly silly voice as he continued to pet him. Steve smiled softly before he opened the door more, revealing himself. He sent (Y/N) a sheepish smile when he made eye contact with him. Hey.." He said in a soft tone before Rudy let out a soft bark before making his way over to Steve, letting him pet him. (Y/N) huffed a bit and crossed his arms. “Rudy, you absolute traitor. You're not getting any treats tonight.” Steve let out a small laugh before making his way over to him, stopping in front of him. “Can I sit with you?” He asked with a slight smile. (Y/N) hesitated for a moment but nodded, letting him take a seat next to him. Rudy essentially laid across their laps, wagging his tail slowly as Steve began to pet him. The silence that stretched between them was deafening at best as Steve collected his thoughts and as (Y/N) tried to think about how he could get out of the room. Before (Y/N) could come up with a solid escape plan, Steve spoke in a hushed voice. “I’m sorry.” (Y/N) tilted his head slightly, blinking a few times. “I.. what?” Steve sighed softly as he avoided his gaze. “I’m sorry for being so.. rude to you and Buck. You two didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry.” He said looking over at him with a serious look on his face. (Y/N) looked him over, trying to find any trace of him lying but found none. He shook his head and gave him a tired smile. “It's fine Steve. I understand why you think like that.. I can’t say it’s okay and that I'm not affected by it but.. It's somethin’ we can get past.” he said softly before leaning his head back and closing his eyes. Steve let out a small sigh of relief before he shifted slightly, causing Rudy to huff in annoyance. The quiet between them was a bit more calm after that before he began to speak again. “When did you.. come to terms with everything? Likin’ Bucky I mean.” (Y/N) opened an eye and raised an eyebrow at him before he opened his eyes completely and looked up at the ceiling. “Well.. Honestly? I’m not sure. It just sorta happened.” he said softly as he thought, happy that Steve was quiet and patient with him as he thought back. “There were no big moments of clarity. There was build up and then it was just there. If I had to try and pinpoint it, it might have been that winter I was left home while Dad went to visit his sister and Dean down in Boston. Bucky made sure I was alright, visited everyday even if we all already hung out that day. He found me in the kitchen one of those days, I was sitting on the floor with that small box of my ma’s stuff.. Just lookin’ through it. He didn’t ask me anything or tried to find out why I was upset. He just stayed with me that night. Let me lean on him and just offered me his company. We talked about it after a while of sitting there.. We shared stories. I opened up for the first time about her and.. everything my dad was doin’ and he shared his own stuff in return. I guess that's when I knew that I was gone..so very gone.” he said with a gentle laugh and misty eyes. “God, I must've been thirteen maybe?” he said with a small shake of his head. “It wasn't long after Dean moved out then got shipped off I think.” Steve was quiet as he soaked in the information. “Do you hate him?” (Y/N) just shook his head a bit. “Dean? No. I couldn't then and I can't now. I’m happy he was able to leave when he had the chance. He dealt with dad a bit longer than I did and it’s not somethin’ I’d wish on anyone. I’m happy for him, I just miss him.” he said honestly but sounded a bit saddened by it. Steve nodded a bit and looked down at Rudy. “I miss my mom too..” (Y/N) smiled softly and gently patted his shoulder. “How ‘bout tomorrow we go through our pictures? I don’t think you’ve ever really seen any pictures of her.. Do you remember her at all?” Steve chuckled a bit and nodded, giving him an attempted smile. “I’d like that.. And yeah. Vaguely but it’s fuzzy. Her cookies were the best.” (Y/N) let out a genuine laugh as he nodded. “They really were.. I have her recipes so tomorrow we can try to make them?” Steve smiled a bit before petting Rudy a bit. “I’d like that.”
By the time that Bucky found them, they were passed out. Steve had rested his head on (Y/N)’s shoulder and (Y/N)’s cheek was resting on top of Steve’s head. Rudy pushed himself up a bit so he could look up at Bucky, only to let out a huff and get comfortable on their laps again. Bucky smiled to himself and draped a blanket around them the best he could before he decided to join them on the floor for the night.