As Charlie pulled on her boots, her mind began to wonder why she was going back to that little town. After her little affair with Miss Mcleod (“call me Rowena pet, sounds nice when you say it” she had said), she had vowed to put those feelings to rest, much like she left her annotated copy of Addie LaRue behind. Rowena always took a shine to her, since her first day at university. At that point she had spent twenty years of her life trying to find love and acceptance and someone or somewhere to call her own, and the world only seemed to get harsher and colder with each passing day. She never knew her father and had hoped that one day, she would come to terms with that but with Gertrude as her mother, the hope in her heart was dwindling. Rowena was always the one she went to, good day or bad, the one who was so headstrong and reassuring and bold. Like someone plucked out of one of her video games! She had no flaws, no cracks, no problems and Charlie was so envious of her. How she was the most capable woman she had ever met and how she exuded confidence with every step of her black suede heels. The doorbell rang, pulling her from a chain of thoughts that was too muddled and dangerous to go down.
Castiel kept ringing the doorbell as she made her way downstairs. “Pack it in Cas! I’m coming!” she yelled. She opened the door to her best friend, Castiel Novak. They’d spent every minute since first year together. After an awkward encounter trying to find their rooms, they realized that they both found someone to call home. They’d grown up under the watchful eye of the other, sharing many firsts like first dates and breakups, bad grades and haircuts but most of all they found queer acceptance in one another. Castiel was stood at her door as he had been a million times before, in his Zepplin shirt and ill fitting jeans, waiting to be let in like a stray puppy needing a home. “Come in you prat, you know it’s a reunion not a fucking party?” Castiel shrugged, “I already got what I wanted out of uni, a degree and a boyfriend. I’m waiting on you to do your part now. I’m only here to watch you fumble over your words when you see Rowena-” She shot him a dirty look, “That’s Miss Macleod to you Castiel!” He put his arms up in mock defence, “Sorry I forgot that’s what you call each other in bed my bad! Go make yourself look fuckable Char, that flannel isn’t doing you any favours”
She shot him one last withering look over her shoulder as she marched off to change into a button up and some trousers. “Not fuckable well we’ll see” she continued muttering to herself as she changed. She shook her head as she fiddled with the buttons, remembering her fondly Rowena used to button them up for her, making her feel like the only girl in the world. How her fingers would expertly button each one up with no hesitation, but she also made the simple act of buttoning a shirt up seem like it was this grand romantic gesture, something only meant for their eyes. As she came back downstairs, she realised that the only reason she was going back was to see Rowena. All these years away from her had made her almost forget Rowena; she’d forgotten why she had to forget her, and every redhead she saw, every purple suit, every bookshop, everything around her seemed to remind her. As if everything around her was designed to taunt her for her loss, for their loss. She recalled how the sweat would pour down her back when she saw those auburn curls. She recalled how she fumbled over her feet, up until her graduation, when she saw that familiar purple coat. She recalled how she could recognise her footsteps and would try to find a mirror in her bag to ensure she looked okay. As if Rowena would notice her in a crowded lecture hall (she said she did, she always did. As if there wasn’t a crowd at all.) She shook her head to free herself from those thoughts. Cas smiled and threw himself into the car as soon as Charlie locked the door. She wondered if she’d be coming home with a certain redhead on her arm tonight.
They caught up on each others adventures as they drove. Charlie reminisced about how many times she’d driven this same way, down that winding road and past the broken wall and the coffee shop but not too fast because the road had a pothole in a specific place. They knew this town like Charlie knew the freckles on Rowena’s face. Charlie hit herself internally, trying to stop the blush from spreading to her cheeks. Cas giggled, “Thinking about her already? Jeez Charlie we haven’t even reached the school and you’re getting flustered. Try to keep it in your pants yeah?” Charlie mocked him as she reached for a drink of her coffee. They took the familiar turn left into the car park and released the breaths theyd both been holding. Cas turned to her. “We can leave anytime you want; just give me a sign and we’ll be out of here in no time.” She smiled and nodded, “Ditto” she whispered, her mind flooding with all the scenarios that could unfold.
Cas was gone almost immediately as soon as the English teachers spotted him, the latest copies of his book being frantically waved. He muttered something to Charlie, who wasn’t listening as she made her way past Cas and down the hallway to Rowena’s office. She thought back to her final year, walking down here to show Rowena her dissertation, rambling excitedly about video game development. How Rowena’s eyes shone as if she was admiring God’s finest creation, one cut from his own cloth and fashioned down to the last curve of her knuckle. Rowena often said how she thought Charlie was destined for greatness, my “tweetie pie” she’d fondly said. It wasn’t just what Rowena said, it’s how she acted. The way she’d turn to face her when she was speaking, never once getting distracted. The way she watched Charlie with the ferocity of a thousand suns. She exhaled as she reached Rowena’s office, and stood gathering her thoughts. She observed a few things. The once golden handle gone dull with use, the smooth polish long been worn away. The office hours sheet was turning yellow and curling at the edges. The familiar scent of lavender wafted faintly from the crack between the door and the floor. She turned to face the door and knock. “Come in.” a voice called out, warm and sharp. Charlie froze.
She was transported back to the first time she met Rowena. How her personal tutor pleaded with her to pick an extracurricular for her CV. Charlie frowned and looked down at the sad piece of paper, getting damp from her sweaty palms. It was rather empty, and despite her outstanding grades, she was sure that no one would hire her in her experience section was empty. After many nights debating which societies would be best for her, with cold pizza, warm beer and a grumpy Cas, she had settled on the Literature Society. It was so different from her own degree that it made her skin crawl a little: she wasn’t big on new experiences. Fast forward a week to where Charlie had signed up and brought a book and Cas in tow for the first meeting. The English department was worlds apart from the Computer Science one. Too many sculptures and paintings for her liking, but it radiated warmth and comfort, unlike her own, cold and grim. She fumbled around the hallways, Cas constantly pointing out info from the bulletin boards and nipping into rooms for quick chats. It infuriated her how easily he floated through life, where she woke up suffocating on her own anxiety, fear paralysing her the same way every time but she never grew accustomed to it. Nonetheless she was happy for Cas and his regular companionship. Dr Rowena Macleod, Senior Lecturer in English Literature. The sign was shiny and new, Charlie stared so hard she could’ve sworn there was something in the air. Cas shoved her side, and mumbled something about knocking and entering to her, but she stood firmly there. All the distress had come back to her now, gnarly roots wrapping themselves around her legs and holding on with an iron grip. She stumbled forward, shoulder bumping into the door. The scent of lavender infiltrated her senses.
A tall red haired woman opened the door; Charlie muttered something but she cant recall what. “Speak up pet, I canny hear ye”, she smiled, eyes crinkling with adoration. Charlie eyes were level with her bosom, and she felt her ears go scarlet. “Eyes up darlin, I’m right here” Rowena smirked. Charlie shook her head lightly and looked her in the eye and said, “I’m Charlie Bradbury, I’m a video game development student and I’m here for Literature club.” Rowena giggled, “No need to be so formal dearie, come on in. What kind of tea yda like? I have all kinds.” She rambled. Rowena would never admit it, but it was rare that people came to see her. In reality she only scraped the club together in the hopes that someone would visit her. She was friendly and all, but her walls were up: that was non-negotiable, opening herself was just not an option. Charlie sat in one of the rows of the lecture theatre, unsure as to what she had just walked in on. Cas, however, took one look at the empty room and walked off, saying something about grabbing a coffee. Charlie squirmed, all alone with this mad woman, for an hour, to talk about books? It seemed to be a scenario plucked right out of her nightmares. Rowena cleared her throat, hand on her hip leaning on the desk, “Well, welcome to Literature Club.” Charlie’s throat went dry when the skin on Rowena’s collarbone was exposed, an expanse of skin waiting to be kissed and devoured. Each freckle was perfectly placed Charlie was convinced that there was no other place for them. Maybe if she moved to the right a bit, more skin would be exposed—Charlies gasped when she caught herself having these thoughts. Rowena smiled knowingly, “My eyes are up here Miss Bradbury. Anyone ever tell you that you have a staring problem?” Charlie prayed Cas would return with the coffee soon.
After all these years, Charlie still smiled bashfully at how they had first met. She regained her composure, and turned around to face the woman she had dreamt about for so long. “Rowena, it’s good to see you again.” Her own confidence took her by surprise, blinking a little in disbelief. Rowena’s face remained stoney, although she could’ve sworn that she saw a flash of a cheeky smile. She cleared her throat, looking down, “That’s Mrs Macleod to you. And you are?”
Charlie stopped smiling, tasting bile on the back of her tongue. All of a sudden she could hear the lights buzzing overhead and her pulse across her skin and she became very aware of every inch of fabric touching her. She willed her legs to stop shaking, and looked up. “Rowena, it’s me. Charlie. You know we like kinda had a thing a couple years back. Not that that’s the only reason I’m back no no I also wanted to talk to you again. I read this awesome book lately and I thought you would appreciate me getting you a copy” All through her rambling, Rowena tried desperately hard not to make eye contact with the young redhead in front of her. Of course she remembered Charlie, who could forget her? Out of her little Literature Club came only one good thing and that was Charlie. The way she would hide all her mugs so her and Charlie would have to share. The way she made her annotations illegible so Charlie had to come back and ask her. The way she wore certain outfits that she knew would make Charlie salivate, secretly enjoying watching her squirm. Charlie spoke quicker by the second which indicated she was getting closer to a breakdown. Of course Rowena remembered that. She spoke up, “Dearie whatever you’re saying sounds like a mean story but I really have no idea what you’re talking about. I best get back to work.” and with that she turned and walked into her office, already blinking away tears. Charlie let the door slam in her face. She knocked again, the confrontation with her ex lover setting a fire in the pit of her stomach. “Rowe-Mrs Macleod may I come in?” Charlie snarled. The door swung open, revealing the office she had spent many an evening in, and it hadn’t changed at all. The empty bottles of whisky and gin lined her top shelf, protecting the various knick knacks that she had collected over the years. Charlie peered closer and realised that the little wooden bird that she wittled Rowena for her birthday had disappeared. Their time spent reading that book was so special to her that Charlie just had to, and if hse really tried, she could remember the way Rowena hugged her after opening the little box. Brushing off the phantom arms around her, she continued peering at all the new books and folders that were gathering dust on the shelves. The plants were growing spectacularly as always, Roro always had a gift with plants, she could resuscitate them from the dear. Charlie internally winced at the nickname as she felt herself slipping into her old ways. Rowena eyed her cautiously, as if she moved too quick then the woman in front of her would shatter. “See anything you like?” she asked, reaching for a mug. Charlie noted that Rowena still only had one mug, and it was definitely not the one that Charlie got her. She fumbled over her words, “Uhhh no I do remember you had this little wooden bird on your shelf?” Charlie enquired. Rowena huffed, “I don’t know what yer talking about. I got souvenirs from my travels and gifts from students, that’s about all.” Charlie looked Rowena in the eye, wishing that she would just burst into laughter and say it’s a prank.
“Didn’t you really like the book An Invisible Life of Addie LaRue. That bird was from the book. We read it together.”
“I don’t recall such a book no.”
“Don’t you? Do you remember what we did after?”
“No. Because nothing happened.”
“Really. Because if my memory doesn’t fail me then I can remember everything that happened.”
“Okay and what happened dearie?” She kicked herself for the use of the nickname.
“That we made love! Glorious, sexy… SEX!” Charlie spat, the childish wording making her cringe, but she can’t help it that Rowena was being daft. “We kissed and fucked all night right here. In this office. God it was such a good night how can you not remember! We ate shitty pizza and drank cheap wine and make love till the sun came up. Rowena look at me and tell me what we had was good. Don’t tell me it was real and pure and all that bullshit. Just tell me it was good. Just tell me it was.”
“That’s quite the accusation you’re making Miss Bradbury.”
Charlie froze again, her shaking breaths slowing almost instantly. Rowena sensed it and realised her mistake a second too late. “I never told you my name, how did you know that?”
Rowena stood staring right past Charlie, not meeting her teary eyes.
“I know you know. I know-“ Charlie started. Rowena cut her off, hoping that it was all a dream and that none of this was real except Charlie because Charlie is so real and charming and silly and daring and god she could go on but the silence pulled her from her thoughts.
“I have a husband. His name is Angus. We’re very happy together. We’ve been together for two year now and we have two cats named Cat and Kitty. It’s quite-”
Charlie laughed, and Rowena scared. What about this was funny? Rowena certainly didn’t find it funny. She could feel her shirt clinging to her and her sweat beginning to soak into her jean waistband.
“Rowena I know you told me you like silly names for pets but Cat and Kitty is just stupid. I still have a list of pet names in one of the old books you gave me, and nowhere does it say Cat and/or Kitty. Also Angus? You married an Angus? That’s a new low for you. I always thought you’d marry a Sam or a Charlie or maybe a Luc.” Rowena tried to speak. “No I don’t want to hear it. What are you gonna say? That you and Angus have a quaint little house overlooking the coastline and you drink whisky out of those fancy glasses by the fireplace in the winter and that you both read whilst the cats snuggle on the purple plush rug. I know it’s purple because I know you. That you both have intimate moments that you want to freeze in time and admire for hours on end and when its over you think about it whilst you’re going to bed, making coffee or brushing your teeth. Or that you wake up and peel him oranges and cut him some apples, something that we did but you don’t remember that because you never cared. You don’t care about anyone. You left your son no wait you tried to sell him! You hurt everyone that you love because everyone you love reminds you of yourself and you don’t think you deserve nice things. You have so much love to give it must hurt to carry it around but you never show it because you would much rather be too full of love to give than have given it all to the wrong person. I’ve seen the way you care and love and nurture, your students are devoted to you. You hurt everyone because the alternative is love and you think love is weakness and you never want to be weak again but goddammit Rowena. I know that when you look in my eyes you see a version of yourself that has her whole life ahead of her and nothing to ruin it. That you see me as a younger version of yourself and you want nothing more than to watch me grow into what you never could. You can’t do that if you push me away. All I want is you to let me in like you did all that time ago please Ro, please.” Charlie was crying now, her sobs filling the awkward space between them. She could hear the slight rattle of Rowena’s rings against her mug, evident that she was shaking. They were so close together now, she wished Rowena would just reach around and kiss her already. She wanted nothing more than the angry sex that Charlie always saw in movies, and she knew Rowena would be incredible at it.
“Well Charlie, I have work to get on with. If you must see me again, then my office hours are on the door and my email is online. That whole speech was lovely but I have a meeting and I must dash.” she said, as calm as she could. The slight waver in her voice was a dead giveaway, but if Charlie noticed it (and she definitely had) then she didn’t bring it up. She picked up her laptop and walked out of the office without giving Charlie a chance to respond, let alone process what she had said. Charlie turned on her heel and left, trying to catch a glimpse of her. “Hey Mrs Macleod. Hope you have a great day! Say hi to Angus and the cats from me!” she said, hoping that some part of Rowena would still turn around and run back to her and kiss her freckles the way she used to.
Rowena continued walking towards the staff room, hoping that Charlie would just yell at her own more time. Rowena didn’t care about anyone. Leaving her son, not helping her friends, being cold to everyone, it all added up. It still baffled Rowena that she let her walls down for Charlie. She cared about her so much that she thought her heart would fall out of her chest from the love she held for her. She remembered how every Friday Charlie would make them sit and watch the new episode of her favourite show with a Chinese takeaway, she never understood the show but she loved it because it make Charlie laugh and she loved hearing it. She ached to be back in her arms, how she would wrap her arms around her waist and the way their bodies fit together so perfectly like it was God’s plan to have them be together since the beginning of time. How Charlie would always do more than just a hug, how she would rub her back or kiss her chest or make her sway and dance with her, always eliciting a giggle from Rowena. She blinked as she felt her eyes tear up, and the gravity of the situation came crashing down on her. She would never see Charlie again. She would never hold that face and watch her nose crinkle up as she smiled. She would never take her home and sing musical soundtracks with her in the car park outside. Maybe she could fix this, and she hoped that Charlie was still around.
She turned to look out of the window and saw Charlie and Cas sit back in their car and get ready to set off. Charlie looked happy. She didn’t need Rowena. No one needed Rowena. Her son, her friends, her colleagues, not one. How many more people would she hurt? How many people just forgot her as soon as they turned away or left her office? Charlie spent so long breaking those walls down that Rowena had and now they were twice as high. She doubts she’ll find another Charlie. She only wanted her Charlie.
She watched Charlie laugh with her head back, an uproarious laugh that Rowena would kill to hear again. She quickly realised that she really never would see her Charlie again. Her Charlie, the only person she truly cared about and let her know it. As the car drove out of sight, Rowena composed herself and headed into the staff room. “How’s the semester going for everyone?” she said brightly.