To Think That I Would Die This Time
Honestly, Harley wasn’t sure why he’d bothered staying so long. The small town he’d grown up in had never given him anything to hold onto, and any time he did make an attempt to connect with someone, anyone, anything even, it never lasted. His mother had died a long time ago, and his dad was usually too busy getting drunk to do anything but hurt him.
At first, when the sting of his mom’s death was new and the inevitable guilt that comes with something like that felt overwhelming, his father’s anger almost felt good, deserved. Like he was doing what he was supposed to be, like maybe being hurt would make up for his shortcomings.
It’d stopped feeling good a long time ago.
Now, here he stood alone at a quiet bus stop, waiting for his escape. Harley had been saving up for months, hiding the paychecks he earned from his little diner job from his dad til he finally had enough to buy a plane ticket and leave. He felt a little foolish standing there, holding his little rucksack of belongings. But more prominently he felt brave, excited, relieved, ready to take on the world. His dad couldn’t fucking touch him in New York, and Harley was convinced he could start over properly, make something of himself.
The teen was snapped out of his thoughts as the bus came screeching to a stop. He winced slightly at the loud noise, but stepped forward, fingertips buzzing. His thoughts couldn’t decide if he wanted to cheer, scream, or throw up.
Was he really doing this? Running away to another state at 15? Maybe this is a bad idea, his brain supplied as he sat down on his seat. His hands began to tremble; just as he was about to shoot up and leave, run back to his dad and beg for forgiveness, the doors slammed shut and the bus set off towards the airport. This was happening.
And really, how hard could it be? He’d managed to snag a job easily down in his little town, and had no trouble renting hotels whenever he needed an escape. He’d be fine in New York. He’d be great. He’d be free.
Harley nearly jumped out of his skin as someone tapped his shoulder. Looking up and blinking, an older woman was staring down expectantly at him. Oh, fuck, he thought, caught already- I need a good excuse oh god- he opened his mouth to speak, but the woman spoke sooner.
“Hello, sorry to startle you dear, is this seat taken?” She inquired, gesturing to the one beside Harley. He breathed out as all the tension drained from his chest, “Uh, nope! You’re good, here,” he offered, scrambling over his words slightly as he scooted over to make room. The woman just smiled at him though and sat down, laying her belongings beneath their feet and thanking him.
Harley fidgeted for a second, still uneasy and unsure of if he should be speaking, but luckily she began talking almost immediately, telling him of how she was going to visit her daughter who’d just given birth to a son, and how she couldn’t wait to meet her new grandkid.
Harley found himself relaxing into the conversation, feeling calm in the first time in a long while. Pausing her words for a moment, she looked him over and smiled, “you know, I bet your parents must be so grateful to have a son like you, where are you headed all alone anyways?”
Harley’s eyes widened as he physically felt his heart stumble in his chest, scrambling to come up with a good enough lie, “oh- yeah, I’m uh- headed to the airport to meet my brother in New York,” he lied, deciding that making up a fake relative was safer than admitting he was leaving on his own.
A small feeling of guilt twinged in his chest at lying to her, but he buried it easily. He couldn’t just trust a random woman he’d just met, it didn’t matter that she was the closest thing he’d had to comfort in years. The fact that he could even say that about a stranger was decidedly tragic enough to justify the lie.
Once he was in New York and safe, everything would be worth it. She nodded and continued rambling about her family, and Harley let himself relax into her words.
He hadn’t had someone act so welcoming and friendly towards him in ages, and he decided he could allow himself this small comfort while he was here. Soon enough, he told himself, every day will feel this nice, I just have to work for it first. He felt himself begin to nod off as the skies slowly darkened outside the bus windows, and it wasn’t long before he fell asleep to the sound of her gentle voice, letting himself pretend for a moment that it was his mom talking to him, and everything that’d come to be was just a dream to be scattered and forgotten. For the first time since her death, he felt safe.
Harley jerked awake as the bus screeched to another stop, feeling a nudge to his shoulder. His breath caught for a moment as he looked up, catching eyes with the woman from before and blinking as he remembered where he was. It wasn’t his dad, he was okay, he was leaving.
The lady smiled at him, his chest feeling warm for a moment. “Sorry to wake you dear, but you said you were headed to the airport and I didn’t want you to miss your stop.”
He startled, looking out the window and seeing that the skies had darkened, and that they truly were already at the airport. Scrambling up quickly and grabbing his bag, he turned to her, “oh, thank you!! I hope you have a great time seeing your daughter!” He exclaimed, words quick as he rushed to get off. She smiled after him, “you as well with your brother,” she wished him, voice fond.
Harley nodded in acknowledgement and stepped off the bus, looking up incredulously at the expansive airport; easily larger than any building in his hometown.
Walking forwards, he couldn’t help but feel a longing for the woman’s kind words. It’s stupid to be feeling this attached to a stranger, he growled to himself. But as he stepped forwards through the sliding doors into the cold building, he felt lonelier than ever.
He watched for a moment, taking everything in; the families bustling around, the workers, on their phones or talking to impatient customers, and for that breathtakingly painful moment he realized how truly alone he was.
There’s no one waiting for him in New York, he’s only got a couple hundred dollars to his name, and he could very truly die out here without anyone noticing.
It’s been a long time since Harley’s felt this young, it feels out of place after everything he’s gone through. He’s always felt he should be older than he is, but now as he stands alone in an unfamiliar place, he feels much, much younger.
He allows the panic to hold him for a moment, but then narrows his eyes and forces himself to break free and move forward, letting his body wander away from his mind. He barely processes the actions he takes, but soon enough he’s seated on the plane, looking out the window at a place he’s never truly known, and headed to somewhere farther than he’s ever gone.
He doesn’t let himself dwell on this, he doesn’t let himself think at all, scared that thinking about it will make things real. It isn’t until after the plane has taken off and the rolling fields under him shift to dazzling lights and giant cities, that he allows himself to feel again.
His chest hums with excitement and he grins, laughing a little to himself as it hits him once again how crazy this all is. The man sitting beside him gives him a weird look, but nothing can ruin this high he’s feeling. Nothing can ruin his freedom. From this point on, his life belongs to him. He’s done being scared and done being hurt, and the exhilaration is breathtaking.
He tries taking in every feature of his new city as the plane descends, and scrambles to get off the plane as soon as he’s allowed.
The first thing that strikes him is how loud everything is. He’s not sure what he expected. I mean, it’s New York Harley, why wouldn’t it be loud?
The immediate chaos is so drastically different from his quiet home city that it knocks him from his high for a moment, overwhelmed.
Shaking his head, he steels himself and sets forward, determined to make the most out of it. It’s not like he can afford a plane ticket back anyways. His decision is cemented, he never has to look at his shabby run-down house again, never has to feel so terrified of someone he lives with. This city is his, he can decide who he wants to be and how he wants to live. No one can touch him.
Harley grabs his small amount of belongings from the luggage claim and makes his way out of the airport, pausing as he looks up and sees the sun beginning to rise: The sky painted in a million colors and a million possibilities.
This is his sunrise; this is it.
Harley‘s never quite believed in fate, or in some higher power watching over them, but right in that moment, he felt in his chest that this sunrise was made for him. That things would be okay.
So with that, he stepped out of the airport and headed into the bustling streets of New York City. Eager to finally start living.
Invincible.