Chapter 40
Natasha collected Thor and took him down to the commissary with absolutely no resistance on the Asgardian’s part. She made another coffee for herself and Thor, in addition to a couple bottles of water figuring he was probably quite dehydrated.
They sat at the end of a long table sipping their coffee while they waited for Loki and Sylvie.
“Thank you, Natasha, my brother shall provide much clarity—I am certain,” Thor said with a quiet confidence.
Natasha watched him intently, “Well, I’m definitely thinking more clearly now,” she smiled faintly, “is this something he did for you often, back in the day…?”
Thor smiled, “Indeed, throughout the years Loki was always by my side. I thought it would be that way forever,” his eyes looked slightly sad, “he ways always cleaning up my messes with a wink and a smile…”
“You’re lucky to have those memories,” Natasha said softly, “I’m glad we’re getting to see the brother you remember, instead of the version we briefly knew.”
“As am I, it was most distressing to see him play the villain… he was always one for mischief, but at the end of the day he was just my little brother, and I couldn’t save him…”
Natasha looked sympathetic, her heart aching at the guilt from her youth. She couldn’t protect her little sister either, and seeing that pain in Thor’s eyes was like a mirror to her own.
She heard the ding of the elevator followed by the sound of footsteps and hushed voices as Loki and Sylvie approached.
“Good morrow, to you both!” Thor said happily despite still feeling hungover.
“Good morning, Thor,” Sylvie said with a smirk and Loki gave him a nod and smile of greeting.
Natasha grinned at Sylvie, “have a nice shower?”
Sylvie returned the grin with a hint of mischief, “I did indeed, Stark certainly has outdone himself with this place, even if it is a bit…”
“Overtly ‘him’?” Natasha finished with a smirk.
“You read my mind,” Sylvie said with amusement.
“Alright, well let’s leave the boys to chat, you can come hangout with the cool kids,” Natasha murmured conspiratorially.
Sylvie gave Loki’s hand a quick squeeze and smiled at him, “see you in a bit. Thor,” she gave him a quick nod then followed Natasha out of the commissary.
“Those two are a recipe for trouble…” Loki said idly.
“You are concerned?” Thor asked.
“Not in the slightest,” Loki smirked, “you know me, I like trouble.”
Thor chuckled, “you do indeed, good to see some things never change.”
Loki sat down at the table across from his brother who passed him a bottle of water. Thor offered to fetch him further food or drink but Loki settled for the water alone.
“So, Natasha mentioned you were suffering the after effects of last night’s celebration,” Loki said plainly.
“I certainly am brother, would you mind?”
“It seems to be all I’m good for these days…” Loki sighed with mock resignation making Thor smile.
Loki held his hand over his brother’s face and concentrated on the pain, noting the roiling turmoil which lay there as well. He dulled the physical pain, knowing the emotional strife would be more complicated.
“Ahhh,” Thor sighed loudly in relief, “I’ve missed that little trick of yours…”
Loki made a disapproving noise at the choice of words but let it go.
“I sensed more pain than that brought on by liquor, do you wish to discuss it?” Loki asked gently.
Thor shifted somewhat nervously and fiddled with the cap of his water bottle.
“Perceptive as ever, brother,” Thor sighed, “I bid Natasha summon you for more than the ache in my head.”
“She said as much,” Loki settled himself more comfortably across the table and listened patiently.
“I suppose, in essence… I wrestle with inner turmoil—the likes of which I have not known for many years,” he took a large drink from the bottle of water, wiping his mouth with back of his hand before continuing.
“I find myself… striving to reconcile which version of myself is the true Thor… I imagine you of all people must understand this. You always did see these things more clearly, and your journey of late must certainly have given you greater perspective…”
“Yes…” Loki murmured absently.
“So I thought perhaps you might have the answer,” Thor said with satisfaction.
“The answer?” Loki furrowed his brow.
“Yes, the answer. To which version is the true me, the true Thor? I have gone through many stages of my life, but they have all lead me here… and now, I don’t know which one I am anymore…” Thor sighed, “Am I the bold Thor of our youth, all courage and brawn…? Am I the Earthly Thor, sympathetic and humble…? Or am I the disillusioned Thor you saw this day previous? Retired from grand adventures and living free from expectation…?”
Loki stared at his brother in sympathy, not sure where to begin while Thor waited with a patient optimism. He watched Loki expectantly, as if this riddle were one too complicated for him—yet surely an easy task for his clever and quick-witted brother.
Loki heaved a weary exhale, “Thor… there is no right answer here—”
Thor’s face fell but Loki pressed on.
“—you are all of those Thors—well, maybe not the humble one…” he murmured then shook his head, “never mind, what I mean to say is… yes, you have changed, but that doesn’t mean you have to fight that change…”
Thor looked confused.
“You don’t need to be any one single version of yourself, Thor. What I’ve learned is that becoming a better person means choosing which parts to keep and which ones to improve… but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still you.”
“To be honest, the growth you made when father banished you was somewhat intimidating. I thought you would always be the same brash and boastful Thor you had always been… but seeing how you changed… I remembered that when I chose to be better.”
Loki looked contemplative for a moment, “My role was to instigate the growth and potential of others… but it was my big brother who was the first I ever saw to truly change for the good.”
“But I could not protect our people,” Thor said brokenly, “for all my ‘growth’ and ‘self improvement’, I could not protect my family, my friends… I could not protect you,” he looked at his brother with anguish.
“When Thanos—” his voice trembled with pain and he swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head. He took a deep steadying breath, letting it out slowly through his mouth.
“When he did, what he did… I was filled with rage and purpose. A blinding need for vengeance—vengeance which would eventually be mine—but only once it was too late. I couldn’t save the humans either… It was a blinding culmination of failures which left me unmoored and adrift.”
Thor looked wearily at Loki, “I am ashamed to say I did not take it well… after everyone I had lost—Mother, Father… Brother—and most of the people I called family… I didn’t want to be me anymore. I wanted to hide away from the world, and I thought that would keep me safe… but it didn’t…”
Loki looked at his brother wishing he could have been there for him during those years. There was a time he had assumed Thor would take his death in stride, he had seemed to do so before.
But this time had been different, he could see that. Not only was it compounded by every other loss, but the version of himself which had died was one Thor had come to trust again.
He had seen it the minute he arrived. The way he had looked at Loki was different than the previous ‘deaths’ and the hurt was greater.
“I ate, and drank, and hid,” he said ruefully, “it seemed I could fall no further… so I gave up.”
Thor smiled softly, “Now you’re here, and there is a piece which once was broken which struggles to fit back in place, but I know not where to put it, nor how to be that person again—to be this person again,” He gestured vaguely to his muscular form. “So where does that leave me? Do I go back… to who I was? That improved version?”
Loki sighed, “You belong in this timeline, and that means going only forward—not back—even if you do travel time for the stones… you cannot, and should not fight the ever changing nature of growth—”
Loki looked rueful, “It was wrong of me… to change your appearance… to change anything about you. You are my brother, and I love you dearly…. No matter how time changes who you are, or how you look, that, will never change.”
Thor looked touched, reaching for his stomach and looking uncertain.
“Perhaps I was a bit eager to rewrite things… these last five years have been some of the most painful of my life,” Thor looked forlorn.
“But that doesn’t mean you stopped being worthy,” Loki said softly, “you lost yourself, after everyone else you’d lost, it’s understandable you would question your place in the universe… but that doesn’t mean you stopped being the Mighty Thor,” he smiled gently, “and how you choose to live or look hasn’t the slightest bearing on that.”
Thor smiled with bleary eyes, “thank you, brother…”
“On that note, I believe your journey is yours to write, and I shall leave the decision of how you shape your body to you,” Loki removed the illusion which had altered Thor’s appearance.
Thor looked himself over a little uncertainly, but seemed comforted by the acceptance from his brother.
“What about my bathrobe?” Thor asked expectantly.
“Oh that’s gone,” Loki said flatly, “it went the way of the Twinkie, lost to the ether.”
Thor pouted but shrugged and rubbed his palms down his jaw, comforted by the beard which was once again long and untamed. Loki raised a skeptical eyebrow at the facial hair but smiled and shrugged, head shaking softly.
“What do you think the others will say?” Thor asked nervously.
“I believe they’ll be happy so long as you’re happy. And if not, tell Sylvie, and she’ll sort them for you,” Loki said with a smirk.
Thor chuckled heartily and held his belly proudly, “yes, she is indeed formidable, just as are you. I am truly a lucky God to have not one but two of you, thank you, Loki…”
“You are most welcome, brother,” Loki smiled warmly, “I count myself luckier still to have had this chance to repair the damage I had done, and heal some of the wounds I may have left behind in my wake… But to do it all with her by my side—is a gift I could not have possibly dreamt in all my days—past or future.”