It's twelve past three past in the morning. Twelve past three.
Bucky ignored his vibrating phone on his nightstand as best as he could but it seemed like it was a very stubborn caller.
Five times it already started ringing but the veteran simply couldn't care to sit up and answer the call. He needed his sleep.
Before, sleep was torture. His nightmares were the worst, he merely got 2 hours per night, interrupted by memories of the Winter Soldier sabotaging, torturing, killing. Memories of the soldier being hurt, tortured, used. Every night, his mashed brain brought up another memory and Bucky always jolted up in his silent apartment. Well supposed to be silent apartment except his clinking dog tags, the creaking floor beneath him and his very, very heavy breathing.
But now? It got better. He rather often tried sleeping in a very comfortable bed instead of the hard ground.
Why? Well, if there was someone to hold him, why would he refuse? Why would he refuse if the Someone was his truly amazing cuddly boyfriend?
There were still nightmares, of course, but Bucky had most of the time at least five hours of sleep. It was enough- considering he needed maybe three maximum as a super soldier, but he's grateful for every hour he can get. If he got lucky, he'd only wake up once per night and fall back asleep rather quickly since Sam held him closer every time he roused- even if he himself wasn't awake. It was a natural reaction and Bucky appreciated it.
Sometimes, it was worse.
Sometimes, his mind was very sadistic. On some nights, Bucky jolted sweat soaked out of Sam's embrace with a silent scream.
His throat was tight because of a lump hampering his respiratory tracks.
His chest felt heavy as if someone placed stones upon them.
His left arm hurt as if the prosthetic didn't exist and he still had the numb and cold leftovers of his upper arm after the fall.
His skin was crawling, burning, itching and it took him a lot of willpower not to start ripping it off like a snake put of its old scales.
The former assassin remembered how he mercilessly killed men, women and children. In the past 70 years, he ripped families apart, started wars in fragile countries and brought down governments and let HYDRA take them over.
Each dream, his hands are covered in blood and he left a line of bodies in his wake.
Bucky hates his nightmares. Hates remembering what he did when he wasn't in control. Hates the fact that he survived the fall of the train instead of simply dying by blood loss. If he simply had died-
His phone rang for the sixth- the sixth time, and Bucky finally gave in. Yes, he cherished every minute of his sleep but he couldn't sleep if someone desperately needed his attention.
He sat up and looked upon his screen and- shit. Shit.
___
Becoming the symbol of one of the world's biggest countries was a big task. It was exhausting, time consuming and stressful.
After he and Bucky brought the Flag Smashers down, Sam got officially announced as the new Captain America. There was a lot of bureaucracy to come, he knew that but it was a lot more than he anticipated. And it crushed him.
Sam attended official meetings, galas, schoolings about legislation and whatever else. He spent a lot of time with the political stuff behind the fancy costume.
It took him a few days to return to Louisiana and meet his welcoming and loved community. He was exhausted and just wanted to fall into his childhood bed at his sister's house- but seeing all these hopeful faces- children and seniors alike, made it worth it for Sam. Seeing Sarah and his nephews so hopeful and proud, made his heart swell.
America would never be ready for a Black Captain America but how could they if they're not willing to try? Sam wanted to be a symbol. A symbol for hope and a symbol for everyone. Not only those with blond hair and blue eyes. Captain America was more than that and he possibly knew that better than anyone else. That's why Steve entrusted Sam with the shield. And he swore to whatever might power, that he'll never give it up, he'll never back down and he'll fight till the end. He'll do his best for this split country. And if someone did want his shield, well, they'd have to step over Sam's dead body.
They organized a cookout only two days later to celebrate Sam Wilson as their Captain America and the repaired boat of his parents. Everyone was coming and who was he not to invite his dear co-worker as well? Except Sarah had to kick him to actually call Bucky about it since he was too scared of it.
Long story short, they celebrated at the docks and when Bucky got there, he looked at home. Like he belonged here. Him being so comfortable with his uncovered metal arm was just beautiful. He was great with the kids, his nephews and neighbors' children loved him. The people from Delacroix trusted him as well. They welcomed him, told him stories about the town, the Wilson siblings and everything around.
And Sam- Sam couldn't help but take Bucky later that evening away from the ongoing party for a walk. And well, he confessed as he looked into those blue eyes. Those blue eyes that he saw his home in. And he kissed him. Luckily, Bucky felt the same.
A few weeks later, they bought a smaller house than his parents one and settled down in Delacroix. Bucky explained how Brooklyn didn't feel like it used to and Sam suggested him to come to Louisiana. It didn't take him much consideration. Living in each other's spaces just came natural. It was almost like a level up from before, with more touches and softer words. Sam loved Bucky. Bucky loved Sam.
But that was for themselves. The media didn't need to know about their relationship. For the public, they were Captain America and the Winter Soldier. And that was okay. Both a little bit out of the ordinary but maybe that was what America needed.
Now, almost two months after the Flag Smashers movement has been brought down and the world seemed a little bit calmer, Sam Wilson attended an UN meeting in Geneva. A meeting concerning the further procedure of the pressing refugee situation will be handled. Senators and officials expected him to elaborate on his plans about the world's future.
And here he sat, on the UN headquarter roof, trying to call his boyfriend. His heart was racing and his leg wouldn't stop bouncing. Breathing was harder and he couldn't think straight. He was scared. What if he wasn't suitable to be Captain America after all?
He was about to give up after the sixth time and he honestly couldn't blame Bucky for not picking up. While Sam spent much time on political stuff, Bucky was busy renovating their house. Sarah told him how many people of their community already came to their house in the past week to ask his boyfriend for help on various things. Frankly, the people of Delacroix are rather old and old-fashioned and luckily- or rather surprisingly, Bucky always knew how to help, wether it was fixing a roof, repairing an old engine or something else of craftsmanship. The man was most likely tired after a long day and unlike Sam, he did not have to face about a hundred politicians concerning the future of more than 4 billion people worldwide.
He sighed and looked at his phone one last time when-
"Sweetheart, are you okay? God, I am so sor-"
Sam's heartbeat sped up again as he put his phone again to his ear but there were no words to escape his mouth, only one single, petty sob.
"Doll, hey, talk to me" said Bucky softly, more a whisper than anything else. He sounded worried and it made Sam sick to his stomach to bother his boyfriend.
He was supposed to be the strong one!
He was supposed to be the one to keep everything together!
Goddamn he was Captain America!
All Sam did though, was breathing heavily with burning eyes, contemplating if he just should hang up.
But he didn't.
"... what if I am not good enough?"
"Sweetheart, you need to speak up"
"What if I am not worthy of being Captain America? I- I am sitting here on the rooftop and- and I think Steve made a mistake! What if I can't live to up to their expectations and I'll be just a great disappointment! What if everyone's doubt and hate is understandable?! What if… what if I shouldn't be Captain America…?"
Sam was sobbing uncontrollably now and he couldn't stop the tears from falling. God, why was he such a disappoi-
"Sam. Love, listen to me okay? Let us try something. Can you take one deep breath for me?" Bucky's voice was calm and devoid of sleep.
Sam nodded to himself, he knew what was about to come. This was routine for them, except it was always Bucky on his end and Sam the calm one.
He let his current breath out and hesitantly took another one for three seconds.
He held it for six.
And let it out for seven.
And he repeated this.
He breathed in for three seconds. Held for six and let out for seven. Somewhere in the background, he was aware of Bucky encouraging him with "You're doing great Sam" and more.
His ugly sobs stopped after more breaths and his bouncing leg slowed down.
"Well done, love. You said you're sitting on the rooftop, right? Can you tell me about five things you can see?"
Sam knew this and he found comfort in the familiarity of this method.
"I see the clouds, other skyscrapers, cars, pigeons and people…."
"Good, can you focus now on four things you can feel?"
Sam started slow again "It's windy up here and there are a few droplets of rain now and then. I- I feel the smartphone I am holding and the bench I am sitting on"
"You're doing amazing, doll. Tell me about three things you can hear"
He felt his breath calming slowly and his chest feeling lighter. "I hear you, I hear the traffic below and there is a siren somewhere in the city"
"What about two things you can smell?"
"There is this distinct scent of coming rain in the air and I, uhm, smell your cologne"
Well, now there was a small pause and a chuckle followed suit "Did you steal my jacket again Sam?"
Sam smiled to himself and felt how breathing was so much easier than a few minutes ago.
"yeah…"
"Splendid, anyway, can you tell me about one more thing you can taste?"
"I still taste the mint gum I had earlier"
"You did great, sweetheart" -and Sam could almost hear the smile in Buckys voice- "how do you feel now?"
"Better, thank you Buck"
"You're welcome, doll. Now, listen to me okay? You're Captain America, Sam. And you're not him because you wear that stupid shield. You're not him because you wear your suit. You, Sam Wilson, are Captain America because you stand for everything that is right. Steve did not make a mistake when he chose you. Steve gave you the shield because you are a good man. You are worthy because you believe in people. You see the good in things that are meant to be lost. You saw good in Karli. You saw good in me-"
Bucky stopped for a moment and Sam would have lashed out in any other moment and started scolding him for saying something this dumb.
"-you see good in America. You believe in the right things. Sam, you are a beacon of hope, something that Captain America was always meant to be. You stand for change and you stand for something better."
"Sam, you are the right person for this. You are the man for our future and people have faith in you. I have faith in you. I'll tell you, you are amazing. You've saved me and made me a better man. You can't believe how much I love you for being you. Maybe you can't see this right now but you are everything. You are the world and you can do this."
Sam escaped a shaky breath."I stopped crying with your help and now you make me cry again Buck…" It was rare for Bucky to be so open about his feelings when his love language was mostly limited to physical contact. And now, Sam couldn't even see his face!
He chuckled "That's my job, isn't it? Look, you will stand before these bureaucrat assholes and surprise them. You have ideas and you can and will help people all around the world. You know this. You're more than that goddamn shield and you'll show them."
Sam nodded to himself. "Yes, I- I can do this. I will do this." He stood up and looked upon the skyline. Geneva is beautiful. He never had the chance before to appreciate Switzerland.
"That's the spirit! Now, go and kick those ugly politicians in the arse!"
"Bucky, no."
"Yeah, sorry… I still would punch them if I could"
"I would too, but that wouldn't do anything for my reputation now, would it? Anyway, sorry for waking you up-"
"Stop right there. You help me all the time if I wake up screaming. It's the bare minimum I can do. You have these moments too and I'll stand with you, even if you're on another damn continent."
Sam smiled and he knew that Bucky was smiling himself.
"Thank you Bucky. I love you"
"I love you too"
And that's how they work. Sam and Bucky are a unit. They work together, support and love each other.
Whenever Bucky wakes from one of his nightmares thrashing and trembling, Sam calms him down. He brings Bucky back to reality. On some nights, they lie awake for hours until his chest starts feeling lighter again and the memories of the Winter Soldier fade.
Whenever Sam starts doubting himself and drowns in his thoughts, Bucky pulls him out. Bucky shows him all the things he has achieved and makes him feel like himself again. He learns each time that it's only his treacherous mind that tries tricking him.
Most importantly, they validate each other's feelings. They both know what it's like to feel down, to feel lost and broken.
Then again, there's nothing that could stop them from supporting each other. Neither a person nor a continent is a hurdle. They love each other and it shows.