Carina went back to the hotel after seeing Maya feeling absolutely emotionally drained. Her throat was sore from chanting in the protests and her head ached from all the emotions of the day. All she wanted was to get into bed with her wife and go to sleep, but that was not going to be an option tonight. She knew that if she asked, Maya would be there in about ten minutes which was exactly how long it took to get from the station to the hotel she was staying at. But she couldn’t ask her to do that, not tonight. She would be fine.
Instead, she went into the bathroom, removing her make up before starting the shower, getting undressed as it warmed, putting both her hands on the counter as she looked down first and then up at her face, sighing when she saw the dark circles that were ever-present these days due to lack of decent sleep which she had been blaming on the bed, but last night, she had slept better than she had in months and woke up feeling semi-refreshed for the first time in a long time, realizing that it was because she woke up next to her Maya.
All she wanted was to keep waking up next to her Maya, but she also wanted to make sure that the woman who she was desperately falling in love with harder and faster than the first time it happened was really who she thought she was. She was so terrified that somehow, this was all just a mask Maya was putting on to win her back and as soon as she said yes, they were going to end up right back where they had been when Maya was sick. She knew, logically, that Maya was getting help, that she was getting better and she desperately wanted to believe that was true, but she had seen her dad say he was getting better too often when she was a child, had seen him start to treat her mom better and pay attention to the family for a few weeks or a month or more and the things would always go back to how they were before and part of her was so incredibly scared that was going to happen in her own marriage and she could not relive her childhood for the rest of her life, refused to one day bring a child into the world in that environment. She would rather give up on her dream of being a mother fully than raise a child in the way she and Andrea were raised.
She took a deep breath, trying to calm her racing thoughts and tell herself that Maya was not Vincenzo, that her wife was truly getting help and in therapy and getting healthier every single day. She was respecting her boundaries and not pushing for them to get back together but just being there for her every time she needed her.
She forced herself back to a full standing position, getting in the steamy shower, wincing a little as the water hit her boobs in a certain way. She sighed as she turned around so her back was to the spray, knowing she was probably about to start her period and that was why she was so sore.
She got cleaned up, grateful that Ben and Bailey had fed her so she didn’t have to face another night of hospital food because it was truly starting to make her feel queasy all the time. She was exhausted.
Today had been probably the hardest day she had had since she left her wife screaming in a hospital room after she was committed. Seeing that positive pregnancy test had felt so real and so many emotions flew through her body almost instinctually seeing her name and the word pregnant on the same paper. She had dreamed about the day she would see those words together for years, had been hoping to see them for months, and now that they existed, they just made her sad because it wasn’t real, it wasn’t her baby, it wasn’t her pregnancy.
She crawled into bed after pulling on some pajamas and one of Maya’s sweatshirts she had stolen when she had moved out, reaching for one of the pillows Maya had slept on the night before, pulling it close and inhaling deeply, smelling the slight smell of smokiness that always surrounded the blonde along with her eucalyptus and mint deodorant and another scent Carina could never truly pinpoint other than it just smelled like Maya.
She held the pillow for dear life as she laid in bed when she suddenly heard a ding from her phone, rolling over and grabbing it, smiling when she saw a goodnight text from her wife.
From Bambina: Goodnight. I’m really glad I got to see you twice in one day. I hope you are ready to be romanced more than you ever have in your entire life. I am already working on planning our first date. More details to come soon. Thank you for being willing to let me try to win you back. I promise I will not waste this change. I love you so much Carina.
From Carina: Goodnight. I am also glad I got to see you twice today. I really needed it. I cannot wait to see what you have planned. Sleep well Bambina.
Carina reread Maya’s message a handful of times, smiling a stupid smile every single time she did so. Eventually, she put her phone down, going back to clinging to the pillow, feeling tears well up in her eyes.
The exhaustion of the day spent learning about just how fucked up these crisis pregnancy clinics were on top of also feeling all the emotions of dealing with seeing the fake pregnancy test and feeling the failure of their last attempt hit her again even harder for some reason and it overwhelmed her, sobs spilling out of her mouths. She also cried for Tia and Conner who were still fighting for their lives at Grey Sloan and how unimaginable that whole situation was. She sobbed for a long time before her body eventually gave in and she fell into an uneasy sleep.
She bolted awake the next morning in a cold sweat after having a dream that she couldn’t quite remember aside from the positive pregnancy test and her actually being pregnant and an annoying voice calling her mommy over and over again. It left her feeling nauseous, though whether that was the dream or just how she felt most days waking up in the hotel was anyone’s guess.
She grabbed her phone to check the time, seeing it was already 6:30, meaning she only had an hour to get to work. She forced herself out of bed, still thinking about the dream, about how she had been pregnant. Her brain just kept seeing that positive test from the clinic yesterday, playing it over and over again for her as if it were taunting her. She sighed as she went about her normal morning routine, opting to just grab a granola bar from a box she kept on hand on her way out the door.
She had a morning of regular appointments with her routine OB patients this morning and then volunteered to help in the clinic if she could while she spent the afternoon on call. She headed into work, going to her office to change into her scrubs and prepare herself for the day ahead. She checked her phone, noticing she had no messages from her wife yet which was a bit disappointing, but she knew Maya might be out on a call and also reminded herself that Maya’s shifts end at 8 am and it wasn’t quite 8 yet and usually the blonde would usually text her as she was getting into bed, letting her know she was home safe and sound.
Carina took a deep breath before heading out to talk to her nurses and see if her first patient of the day was there. After seeing her first patient, she checked her phone, smiling when she saw a message from Maya.
From Bambina: Good morning my love. I hope you slept well and that your morning has been less weird than mine. Nothing bad happened, don’t worry. It’s just been a strange morning. I’m going to try to get some sleep. I hope you have a good day at work as a miracle worker who is saving lives today. Text or call if you need anything. I’ll leave my phone on. Love you.
Carina smiled, quickly texting her back.
From Carina: Good morning Bambina. I hope you get some good sleep. Maybe later you can tell me about your weird morning if you want to. I am hoping today is less eventful than the last time I worked. Sleep well my love.
After rereading Maya’s message again two more times, she slipped her phone back into her pocket before going on with her day.
She found herself struggling to concentrate, her brain playing that stupid positive test result over and over and over in her head. It was exhausting and all she wanted was for it to stop. She tried hard to focus on her patients and make sure their needs were being met which she did, but by the time the clinic closed for the night, all she wanted to do was go home and get her brain to shut off. She drove back to the hotel, mind spinning.
As she drove past a drug store, she made a last second decision to stop, having an idea of how to get her brain to be quiet. She marched into the store, grabbing two pregnancy tests off she shelf, something that had become a familiar routine for her, though these were the first two she was buying alone.
Normally, she and Maya would go together and buy them the day before their insemination so they had them on hand for when it was time. She sighed as she walked to the resister to pay, part of her wanting to call her wife and ask her to come to the hotel so she could be there when these tests were inevitably negative, but then she remembered what had happened the last time she had had a negative test and it made her physically shudder so she decided against it, instead continuing on to the hotel alone.
She got there, making the familiar trek to the eighth floor. She realized as she opened the door that she had forgotten to get dinner, sighing when she realized it was going to be another night of sub-par hotel food that tasted like sadness. She thought about ordering something in, but before she did any of that, she decided to go take the pregnancy tests.
She knew she probably should have waited until the morning to take them, but they were going to be negative anyway so it didn’t matter. Plus, she had been so busy all day, she had barely had time to go to the bathroom so she decided her urine would be plenty concentrated. She went into the bathroom, going through the familiar routine of peeing on the sticks, recapping them before setting the three-minute timers on her phone.
While she waited, she decided to change into something more comfortable, finding a pair of sweatpants and gravitating back to Maya’s sweatshirt she had worn the night before. It didn’t smell the greatest, but she didn’t really care. She could shower in the morning before she saw other humans. Right now, she just wanted to feel it’s comfort.
As she finished pulling on her pajamas, she heard her phone timer going off, going into the bathroom, cutting the timer before going over to the tests, staring down at them. As she did so, her legs almost collapsed under her. There, on both digital tests she bought were the unmistakable words: pregnant 3+ weeks. She blinked her eyes several times, completely unable to believe what she was seeing, picking up both tests and examining them, feeling like she could barely breathe.
Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door. She went to open it still in a daze and still holding both tests in her hands. When she opened the door, she found her wife standing outside, a brown to-go bag in one hand, a manilla envelope in another as she looked down at the floor.
“Sorry for just dropping by but I um…well I brought food and I needed to talk to you about something and I…wait, Carina, what’s wrong?” Maya said, looking up at her wife suddenly, noticing tears streaming down her cheeks before looking at her wife’s hands, “What are you holding?”
“I…,” Carina stuttered, Maya immediately setting down the things she was holding as Carina held out one of the sticks in her hands.
“What are…?” Maya said, looking at the item she had just been handed, fully expecting to see another negative but absolutely shocked to see the: Pregnant 3+ weeks boldly stamped across the screen, “Wait, are these real?”
“Of course they are real,” Carina said, “Why would I have fake pregnancy tests?”
“I…I don’t…sorry, that was a stupid question,” Maya said, shaking her head, “But how…I don’t understand. You said the last tests were negative. At least I am pretty sure that’s what you said. Things from that time are a little bit hazy, but I am pretty sure I would remember if we were pregnant. They were negative right?” “The ones before, si,” Carina nodded, “But these ones…”
“I don’t…why did you even take the tests?” Maya said, still trying to comprehend what was happening, “I mean, our last try didn’t work right? Did something happen or…?”
“No,” Carina said, “Nothing like that. I mean, something did happen. Yesterday, I went with Bailey to a “crisis pregnancy center” to try to expose them for the frauds they are and I pretended to be pregnant and we brought urine from a coworker who is pregnant and I put my name on it but then seeing my name and a positive pregnancy test… my brain was being mean and I thought maybe if I saw with my own eyes a negative test, it would be quiet, but then…they weren’t negative…”
“So these are real?” Maya asked again, “You took these and they are really positive?”
“Si,” Carina nodded, “They are. I am pregnant. We are having a baby.”
“We are having a baby,” Maya said, looking down for a minute before looking up at her wife, her face breaking out into a smile, “We are really having a baby?”
“Si,” Carina said, her face changing from one of apprehension to happiness as Maya’s did the same, “We are really having a baby.”
“Can I…can I hug you?” Maya asked, not sure what to do, “Or I don’t…”
Before Maya could finish her thought, Carina was plowing into her arms, hugging her so tightly she almost knocked her over, but Maya managed to stay upright, hugging her wife tightly back.
“Congratulations Mamma,” Maya said quietly in her ear, Carina feeling the tears running down her cheeks faster at these words.
“Only you and our baby are allowed to call me that,” Carina said, pulling away to look at her wife.
“Ok,” Maya said, confused.
“Yesterday, at the crisis pregnancy scam center, the woman only referred to me as mommy and it was so weird and I never want anyone calling me that outside our family.”
“Understood,” Maya nodded, wiping a tear off her wife’s cheek, before gingerly reaching down and placing her hands on Carina’s belly, scared she was overstepping until Carina laid her hands on top of her wife’s, smiling at her, “God, I can’t believe this is real.”
“Neither can I,” Carina said, shaking her head as she pulled away from Maya to grab a tissue, “Yesterday, it really felt like such a punch in the stomach that I wasn’t really pregnant and it brought up a lot of really hard emotions.”
“I’m sorry,” Maya sighed, “You could have called. I would have come.”
“Lo so,” Carina said, “I almost did, but I was ok. But I am glad you are here now. Speaking of, why are you here now? Not that I don’t want you here, but we didn’t have plans right?”
“No,” Maya said, shaking her head, “No, I just…it doesn’t matter. We should just focus on the happiness of the baby tonight.”
“Hey, no,” Carina said, “You clearly came over here for a reason which I know you normally don’t without texting first so it must be important. What is going on?”
Maya took a deep breath, grabbing the manilla envelope off the floor and opening it slowly, Carina unsure of what was happening until Maya handed her the photos.
“Is that…?” Carina asked, mouth agape as she stared at the photos.
“Ross and Sullivan?” Maya said, “Yeah.”
“Where did you get these?” Carina asked.
“From Dixon,” Maya said, “I didn’t ask for them, I don’t really want them. But I also don’t know what to do with them…He gave them to me to make Ross look bad because she made him and the whole police department look bad, but I don’t want them. I mean, it’s proof that what I said about them is true which I knew it was, but these photos…whoever got them did it in a super wrong way and I…I don’t know because part of me is worried she will promote him up and that there will be some of that going on, but at the same time, she just promoted Theo to interim captain so maybe not? I don’t know. But I couldn’t talk to Andy about this and I felt like I couldn’t even talk to Diane since Ross is both of their bosses technically so you are the only person I felt like I could tell, but if it’s too much, you can just pretend you didn’t hear it because this is for sure not winning you back slowly. I’m sorry.”
“No,” Carina said, “No, it’s ok. I want you to be able to talk to me about this stuff. You need to talk to someone about it and I am glad it can be me. So what happens if you show this to people? To the union?”
“Ross ad Sullivan will likely be terminated,” Maya said, “Stripped of their ranks potentially. It would ruin them which is not really what I want. But I do want to be safe and I want my team safe and I want everyone to be treated fairly and not get favors for banging the chief. And I also don’t want Dixon to get the satisfaction of any of this. I don’t want these photos.”
“Then burn them,” Carina said, “Or throw them away.”
“But I also don’t want Dixon to get away with this,” Maya said, “I mean, these photos were clearly not taken consensually which is illegal I think. Or it should be. It’s shady no matter what. And he can’t do this to people.”
“So take them to his bosses,” Carina shrugged, “I mean, it might still get back and hurt Ross and Sullivan, but Dixon does need to be stopped. That dirtbag cannot be our next mayor.”
“I don’t disagree with you there,” Maya sighed, “That’s not a bad idea. I’ll think about it. I do know I am not going to use them as blackmail though.”
“Good,” Carina said, nodding, “No more blackmail is a good idea. I am always here to talk about this more if you need to.”
“Thank you,” Maya said, smiling shyly at her, “Now, no more of that. I also brought dinner for you. It’s pasta from Nonna’s and pastries from Little Roma. I can go if you want or…”
“Please stay,” Carina said, “I want to make it very clear that this baby and this pregnancy doesn’t change things. I still want to take this slow and not rush though things. I want to see how things have changed. But I do promise to keep you in the loop with everything about the baby. I would like it if you were at all the appointments and stuff, but I know that might be…”
“No, I will be there,” Maya said, “I want to be there for all of it. And maybe you want to move back home and I can take the hotel for now? I mean, I want you comfortable and I know out bed is more comfortable than this one and you should have your kitchen back.”
“Are you sure Bambina?” Carina asked, “I don’t want to kick you out of your home when you are still recovering.” “I will be just fine here,” Maya said, “I promise. I can help you pack and we can switch tonight.” Just then, Carina’s stomach grumbled, causing both of them to laugh.
“Well, maybe we should eat first,” Maya said, “Or you can eat and I’ll get your stuff packed up so that…”
“Let’s eat together,” Carina said, “We can worry about everything else later.”
“Ok,” Maya nodded as they went and sat down on the bed because there weren’t really many other good places to eat in this room.
Maya opened up the pasta, Carina sighing as she inhaled the heavenly scent.
“This looks amazing,” Carina said, “And hopefully it doesn’t make me too nauseous.”
“You’ve been nauseous?” Maya asked.
“Si,” Carina nodded, “Ever since you gave me food poisoning.”
“Hey, well now we don’t even know if it was food poisoning,” Maya said, “It could have been the baby.”
“Si, it could have,” Carina nodded as she picked up a fork, “The baby saying it does not approve of their mommy’s cooking.”
As Carina said it, she crinkled up her nose in disgust.
“What?” Maya asked, “Are you feeling sick?”
“No,” Carina said, “Just saying the word mommy feels…gross after what happened at the clinic.”
“Oh,” Maya said, “Well, I guess I could go by something else.”
“No,” Carina said, “No, I will get over it. But maybe just for right now, I will stick with just mom.”
“I will happily be just mom,” Maya said, smiling over at her wife shyly, knowing that they had a long way to go before things were back to normal, but they were getting there and for now, that was all either of them needed.