Chapter 15
“I used to dance?” Bucky asked.
Now that he thought about it, it made sense. The vague feeling he would get while watching others dance to music on the streets, a certain yearning.
“Yes, I hear you were quite the dancer.”
“Really?”
“Are you not quick and balanced on your feet?”
“Well, yeah, but,”
Wasn’t that the Winter Soldier?
He tried to remember; he never received any training from Hydra, did he? The skills were all there to begin with.
They just needed to twist them to their advantage.
Suddenly, Bucky didn’t feel like dancing anymore.
“Do I have to?” He hated how frail his voice sounded.
Loki paused, turning to gaze at Bucky, his expression caught between confusion and sadness.
“Of course not,” Loki said, “Not unless you want to. We can do something else if you want.”
Bucky smiled, accepting the easy diversion, “Actually, there might be something . . . “
They changed direction so that Bucky led Loki to take the subway, something that Loki didn’t seem at all comfortable with. Bucky wasn’t sure what it was that unnerved Loki, but didn’t protest when Loki stuck a little closer to him than necessary.
When they finally got to their destination, Bucky gazed out over the harbor, breathing in the familiar salty smell that the breeze brought.
“I used to work down here,” he told Loki, more sure of it than anything he’d ever felt before, and it felt good.
He sat down, dangling his legs over the water. He smiled as it sloshed rhythmically against the dock, nearly reaching his shoes.
“Steve never told me,” Loki said quietly, sitting down next to him.
Bucky chuckled, “Probably cause I never told him about my job.”
“I thought you told him everything?”
“Yeah, well, except for this,” Bucky shrugged, and paused for a moment, “I worked here so I’d have money to spend on weekends with him.”
“He thought my parents just gave me a bunch of money,” he continued, shaking his head, “We may have been a little more . . . comfortable in terms of money, but even we couldn’t afford to spend family money on nights out.”
“And you didn’t tell him because—“
“Yeah,” Bucky hummed.
Steve would’ve never taken that. He would’ve insisted on getting his own job to help Bucky.
Bucky smiled at the thought. Steve would hardly be able to get out of bed on some days, but any other day of the week, he’d been stubborn in doing as much as he could for others. Even if it hurt himself to do it.
He turned to Loki.
Currently in the form of a tall woman with fiery red hair and bright blue eyes, a stark contrast of the man he’d met yesterday.
“So you’re uh—,” Bucky struggled to remember the right word, “Gender-fluid, right?”
Never had someone looked so much like a deer caught in headlights.
“Yes?” Loki said, but it sounded more like a question.
“You’re not?”
“I am,” Loki answered hesitantly, “But I can’t really . . . I’m Loki around the Avengers, and Skylor around civilians.”
“You have the ability to shape shift, but you can’t even use it to make yourself comfortable?”
“It’s fine,” Loki said, though their eyes drifted away from Bucky’s, almost like they were ashamed.
“They know?”
“No. No one knows.”
Bucky hummed, “Why not?”
“Who I am,” Loki stopped, seemingly correcting themself, “—was before, it’s better that civilians never know my real name.”
Bucky gave a non-committal hum. He knew how that felt.
“What about the Avengers?” Bucky asked, “Don’t they know?”
Loki shook their head, “I don’t think . . . “
They trailed off.
“It doesn’t matter,” they said finally.
And Bucky didn’t really know what to say to that. He’d been Hydra’s assassin for years, an agent against his will. He’d seen the files; he’d known from the beginning who Loki was.
He’d figured out by then that who Loki was then and who he was now were completely different people. He’d been coerced into doing it, somehow.
He just didn’t expect the god of lies to be so honest with him.
He wondered if the Avengers knew that, too.
Would they be so private about Loki’s identity then?
Maybe he couldn’t fix that whole mess, but maybe he could offer something.
“You can tell me,” Bucky offered, “I know it won’t make much of a difference, but if you tell me, I can use the right pronouns, at least whenever we’re alone together.”
Alone together. Huh. Bucky wanted to chuckle at himself.
“And hey,” he suggested, “You don’t even have to say anything. Maybe you can do that thing with the bracelets. Blue for him, pink for her, purple for they.”
Loki smiled, and pulled two bracelets from out of nowhere—one blue, and one purple, to put them on.
“That has to be super convenient, man.”
“It is,” Loki beamed.
The next morning, Loki was in a good enough mood, even going so far as to seek out Steve for fun.
He wasn’t hard to find, making breakfast for the Avengers as usual.
Steve looked deep in thought when Loki entered the kitchen, but his expression quickly brightened as soon as he saw Loki.
“What will you have me do today?” Loki asked, sitting at the counter.
He shrugged with a smile, “I figured I’d let you choose.”
“Me?” his heart soared, “Choose?”
“Well, yeah,” Steve said, pushing off the kitchen counter, “There must be something you like to do . . . Besides causing mischief of course.”
“Pity,” Loki hummed, “It definitely maintains the majority.”
“Ok, so what else?”
“Well, I’d say horseback riding, but I don’t believe Midgard even has horses anymore,” he frowned, only half-joking, glaring down at the city, “Those hideous metal contraptions seem to have replaced them.”
“Cars,” Steve said automatically, almost absentminded.
Was he just tired, or was something on his mind?
Loki hummed, and that seemed to bring him back.
“Actually, I think I can arrange that,” Steve said finally.
Loki stopped short of eating his breakfast. He hadn’t been expecting Steve to be able to do that.
“How?” Loki asked, fighting to keep his nerves from reaching his voice.
“Clint might have a few on his farm.”
“Since when did Clint have a farm?”
“Apparently a long time. We didn’t know until more recently, though. He kept it off file for safety reasons.”
“And you would trust me with that information?”
Clint literally just started speaking to him less than a week ago. What made Steve think he would want to let them on his own private property?
“You are an Avenger now, after all. At least until you’re allowed to return to Asgard.”
Not this again. Loki still couldn’t believe that Thor had told them he’d convince Odin to let Loki return, and planted that seed of hope into the Avengers team.
And what was this about being an Avenger? Loki was an ally, nothing more.
His mood soured faster than the speed of light.
“I’m never going back to Asgard.”
“But Thor said—“
“Thor is a fool! I will not go crawling back to a realm that never wanted me in the first place!”
“But don’t you miss your family?”
“They are not my family! I have none!”
There it was again, that pity that Loki had seen so often in Steve’s face, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Don’t be!” Loki snapped, “I’m perfectly fine on my own!”
“Alright, just,” Steve sighed, dropping the subject, “I’ll call Clint, and we’ll leave, alright?”
“. . . Fine.”
Apparently, Clint only had two horses, a tall black and a slightly smaller gray, both mares.
“Her name is Luna,” Clint explained, patting the taller black mare, “She’s a little more difficult to ride than Lily is.”
“Alright,” Steve said, and let Clint help him up. He wobbled clumsily, nervously pulling the reins tighter.
“You’ve never ridden a horse before, have you?” Loki asked, still a little on the sour side, despite his hesitation to approach the horses himself.
He’d practically grown up riding horses, but that was before he’d actually been one. Now, he wasn’t sure what to feel.
“No,” Steve answered, gazing, wide-eyed, down at Clint and Loki, “My neighbors used to have some, before the war, but I only ever got to draw them.”
“I’ve seen the drawings. He is truly an artist,” Loki told Clint, swiftly and easily swinging himself up on the gray horse.
He leaned down to rub the horse’s neck. Using the All-speak, he introduced himself to Lily and promised to treat her with respect. He ignored the confused look that Clint gave him.
“Not really,” Steve said, still struggling to get Luna to stand still, “just a hobby of mine, just like horseback riding is yours.”
“I beg your pardon? It is an essential skill, Captain, and a source of great joy for me, at that. To say it is simply a hobby is practically impertinent.”
“Then why aren’t you the one riding Luna?” Clint asked, looking sternly up at them both, “Lily’s better for beginners.”
Loki shrugged, “Steve beat me to it.”
“Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Clint said, pointing a warning finger at Steve, “I’m not paying for any hospital bills.”
“I think I’ll be okay,” Steve insisted, though he didn’t sound very confident, and turned to Loki, “Are you ready to go?”
“Waiting on you, Squirrelheart,” Loki replied.
He took a great deal of pleasure from the shocked blush that crept onto Steve’s face.
Clint pointed out where the trails started, gave them directions, and set them off. Steve didn’t speak again until they were about a quarter of a mile into the woods skirting Clint’s property.
“I thought we agreed the nicknames were awful?” He said.
Loki smirked, “I never said that.”
When they returned from the trip to Clint’s farm, Loki had been in good spirits, Steve managed not to fall off, it seemed he was a natural (of course he was), and the ride seemed to be just what Loki needed to forget that he had no home, no family to return to.
Even the weather seemed perfect as the moon rose in the sky, not too hot, not too cold, either. A gentle breeze that didn’t whip at his hair.
Perhaps he should have known better.
As they entered the Avengers tower, he became hyper-aware of his surroundings, and it felt like the world crashing down on him. He could barely make it on the elevator to the living room before he turned to Steve, desperate for escape.
From what, he couldn’t quite figure out.
“Have you ever felt like your vision is too bright?” He hated himself for the painfully-evident anxiety in his voice.
Thankfully, the living room was empty of everyone aside from Loki and Steve.
Norns, so stupid.
“What?” Steve gave him a look like he was crazy, but it was too late to change his mind now.
“Have you ever felt like you’re seeing the world too clearly? Like everything is too crisp and clear?”
“Not really.”
No, he hadn’t expected so.
“Well . . . “ Loki hesitated, “I do.”
“Shouldn’t that be a good thing?”
“You would think so, but no,” Loki just barely controlled his voice, but started rambling as consequence, “It just makes me feel . . . off. I can’t describe it. I don’t know, like something’s going to happen. Something bad.”
He needed to sit down.
The couch. The couch would work.
He all but collapsed on the couch.
Loki barely registered Steve sitting next to him, “Does it?”
“What?” Loki had already forgotten what he’d said.
“Does anything bad happen?”
“Not usually,” Loki admitted, “but . . .”
“You still tense up,” Steve finished, all too understanding.
“Yeah.”
“Do you feel like that right now?” Steve asked, not unkindly.
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” Steve paused, and added gently, “Is there anything I can do?”
“Not likely.”
“Oh,” Steve said, pausing again, like he didn’t quite know what to say to that, “Well, let me know if you need anything.”
Loki nodded wordlessly, too afraid his voice would shake. He should just go to his room. He glanced between Steve and the hallway for a few moments, the silence between them stretching.
“So how long does this feeling usually last?” Steve finally spoke.
“I don’t know,” Loki answered, barely able to squeeze the words out, “I think . . . I just need a break. I’m gonna go to my room.”
He stood up, and made to leave.
“I can stay with you,” Steve offered before he could, standing up.
“You don’t have to.”
Why couldn’t he stop shaking?
“But I should,” Steve insisted, stepping forward to reach for Loki’s hand, “You’re practically trembling, I—.”
Loki hissed, pulling his hand away in a rush of adrenaline, “I am not a coward!”
“I never said—“
“I never asked for your help!” Loki growled, turning to stalk to his room.
“I—” Steve followed him, trying to protest, and Loki spun to face him in the doorway.
“I’m not sick,” he snapped, grabbing the door, “I’m not hurt! Go take care of someone who needs it!”
“But you do, Loki,” Loki could hear Steve fighting to keep his voice level as he paused in the doorway, “Probably more than anyone else in this building.”
“When we played chess,” Steve continued, “You said a king would never be the first to battle. Loki, someone sent you, didn’t they?”
Too weak to fight them, too easy to convince.
“I’m not having this conversation with you,” Loki tried to close the door, but Steve stopped him.
“No, we’re having this conversation,” Steve said, stern, “Look, I care about you, alright? You can’t always shut me out.”
Loki stared at him.
“Look,” he sighed, “I know you don’t exactly want to be here, but as long as you’re our ally, we’re yours.”
Loki merely glared at him for a moment before giving up, his arms going slack on the door.
Steve nearly fell forward at the sudden lack of resistance.
Surprised to see Loki fighting back tears, Steve instinctively wrapped him in a hug.
“I hate you,” Loki said over his shoulder, without any real conviction.
“I know you do,” Steve mumbled, and pulled back to meet his gaze, “It’s late. You want to sleep with me tonight?”
Loki breathed a heavy sigh, and nodded wordlessly.
Over the next few days, Loki stayed in the tower, despite the fact that Bucky asked to hang out more than a few times.
To her dismay, Bucky just wouldn’t give up asking.
When Loki did finally work up the courage to meet up with Bucky again (in front of the post office this time) on Friday, Bucky had been thrilled.
He showed up wearing a pair of darkened sunglasses and a baseball cap, glancing up and down the streets warily.
Once he saw Loki, he grinned and rushed over to hand them a matching pair of glasses.
“What’s this for?”
“Probably better if no one recognizes us in any form,” Bucky explained, and glanced at Loki’s bracelets, today they had gone with purple and pink.
“Do you uh—?” He gestured to the bracelets, “I haven’t seen you wearing any different clothing.”
“I don’t need to,” Loki snapped, suddenly defensive.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean,” Bucky verbally backpedaled, holding his hands up, “I mean, like, do you have any clothes that you’re not allowed to wear around the Avengers? Like dresses or skirts?”
“Oh,” Loki said, taken aback, “I . . . guess so.”
“Maybe we could go shopping, then?” Bucky suggested.
“I have magic,” Loki replied, “I don’t really need . . . “
She trailed off as Bucky’s face fell.
“I can have any clothes I can imagine, but I can certainly see what other people might have in mind.”
“Cool,” Bucky grinned, already taking Loki’s hand, “I know a place, follow me.”
He took them to a little clothing shop on the street corner. A bell clinked when they entered, and a tall, lanky woman with short black hair looked up at the other end of the store.
“Hey, James!” She waved a hand, and turned her gaze on Loki, “Who’s this?”
Bucky opened his mouth, but Loki beat him to it.
“Lily,” she shook her hand, saying the first name to pop into her mind.
“Pretty,” the woman answered, and Loki wondered if the comment was meant for her or her name, “She your girlfriend?” She asked Bucky.
“New friend. Actually, Lily’s gender-fluid,” Bucky answered smoothly, as if it were something Loki had been open about all her life, “I was wondering if you could help us?”
Loki stared at him, glaring despite the fact that Bucky wouldn’t be able to see it through the sunglasses on her face.
“Oh, cool!” The woman beamed, “I’m Ash. I’m nonbinary. They/them pronouns.”
A rush of guilt flashed through Loki at that. Of all people, she’d been one to make assumptions.
“How do you manage to find these people?” Ash asked, directing the question at Bucky.
Bucky shrugged, “Same way I met you I guess?”
“On the street?” Ash answered, “Man, I wish I had that kind of luck.”
Bucky chuckled, and explained, “Yeah, but Lily’s not out to their family yet. Do you think you might have some dresses or skirts?”
“Oh, of course!” Ash grabbed Loki’s hand and started dragging her across the store.
Loki gave Bucky a panicked look, but Bucky merely shrugged with a smile.
They picked out a few different outfits to sample while Bucky took a seat in the little waiting area.
Ash gave her 3 different outfits. The first two were shirt/skirt combinations, but Loki wasn’t really impressed, so she tried on the last outfit, a dress.
At first glance, it didn’t seem too special, but once Loki put it on, she just fell in love.
A blue-green casual dress reaching just shy of her knees, neither tight nor loose, and with the softest material Loki had ever felt. She knew she’d be keeping it, regardless of anyone’s opinions of it.
Nonetheless, she still went out to the waiting room to show Bucky.
When he saw her, Bucky stopped mid-conversation with Ash, gazing up at Loki with a smile.
“Find something you like?” He asked.
She nodded, “Just this one.”
Ash turned in their seat to look at her, and brightened.
“I knew you’d like it!” they grinned, “It matches your eyes so well!”
“Thank you,” Loki answered politely, and addressed Bucky, “I think I’ll just take this one.”
“You’re done already?” Bucky asked, and at Loki’s nod, shrugged, “Well, alright, then.”
Loki changed back into her original outfit; Bucky paid for the dress (he insisted).
They thanked Ash, and left.
They decided to go to Bucky’s apartment after that.
Placed in the outskirts of town, Bucky’s apartment looked empty and uninhabited, save for a few choice items—a journal on the fridge, a fruit bowl on the kitchen counter, and a few throw pillows on the couch. They sat on the couch, chatting about the weather, not quite ready to talk about anything serious.
At one point, Loki relaxed enough to lean on Bucky’s shoulder, telling him stories of her and Thor’s childhood. The good stories, of course, where Loki had been the one to save Thor, and when they still somewhat got along with each other.
Suddenly, the sky outside lit up, the Bifrost meeting the Avengers tower.
Thor wasn’t supposed to come back for another week.
“I have to go,” Loki said, standing up, “I’ll see you later.”
“Okay, but—“
Loki didn’t even stay to hear him finish the end of the sentence.