Afi

I woke up with the sun as I always did, and normally I would squeeze my eyes shut and force myself back to sleep, begging for just a few minutes more sleep. But today was different. It was my birthday. Months having flown by so quickly, it was hard to believe this day had rolled around so quickly. Today would be like every other birthday I'd had, to start with, my mother would bring me breakfast in bed. I could already smell the bacon she was cooking, my stomach rumbling in response. She would sit with me as we ate breakfast, telling me several times she can't believe how old I'm getting. Then my mother would exclaim that I must be taller than her by now, pulling me out of bed and forcing me to stand up straight against the pillar in the hallway so she could measure me.

I hated this. I never grew much and it's worse now that all the boys in my class are all taller than their mothers. It was a humbling ritual, reminding me that I can read all the books I like, it still won't make up for my frail stature. Not even all the magic I was now equipped with could help, and unfortunately despite the gruelling training sessions I had endured, I still hadn't bulked up much. Although I could now hold a sword for longer than a few seconds, I could even swing it around aimlessly, all thanks to Loki.

Loki. Just the sheer thought of him sent butterflies straight to my stomach. A fact that I hated. I guess you could say we were now friends, at least he's the closest I've ever had to a friend. He stands up for me now on a regular basis, so much so, Thor barely even looks my way when Loki's around. But when he's not, that's a whole different story. I imagine my new relationship with Thor has something to do with Loki's pranks, which have become much more inventive since his magic has improved. Sometimes he'll tell me about them, but other times he'll just tell me the cruel punishment he got from Odin.

I wish I could talk to him the way I want to. To comfort him the way I want to. But I know I can't. Because I know how I feel about him. It's the way a boy should feel about a girl, or a girl should feel about a boy. Those exciting nerves you get when they look at you from across the room, the jump of electricity when they accidentally brush hands with you, or their knee bumps yours under the table. The way you smile wider at them than you do at anyone else. I fancy Loki. The way I'm sure Sif has a crush on Thor. The way I know is wrong.

Relationships between two men, and even two women, are not uncommon on Asgard. Women often find comfort in friends when their husbands go off to fight in glorious battle, and those same husbands may lay in the bed of their fellow warriors. But once everyone returns home, the men go back to their wives, and the women welcome their husbands back to their marital bed. There is no love in the temporary relationships, it's more of a pastime, some drunken fun, or a way to let off steam. Men do not love other men. Women do not love other women. And orphan boys do not fall in love with princes. Something I have to remind myself all too often, trying my best to not let myself get hurt.

Loki is a prince, and he certainly has his pick of princesses. The girls now swoon over him just as much, if not more, than they do Thor, puberty having hit him like a train. He was even taller now, his shoulders broadening and muscles defining themselves along his arms. I have caught myself staring at him in the locker room more than I would like to admit, knowing full well how he would react if he caught me. Whatever friendship we currently have would be gone, and I would no longer have to worry about Thor's harsh words because Loki would have plenty of things to say that would hurt me more.

That thought made me sick, and I was happy to hear my mother knock gently on my door, interrupting my frightening thoughts. I told her to come in, sitting up in my bed, nausea dissipating as the memory of Loki floated out of my head.

'Good morning, birthday boy!' she beamed at me as the door swung open.  I smiled back at her as she sat down on my bed, handing me my breakfast off the tray.

'Thanks, smells great,' I told her, smiling down happily at the full plate that now sat in my lap.

'Hope it tastes as good as it smells,' mother replied as she dug into her own breakfast. We sat on my bed, eating my breakfast, making general conversation. I was waiting for her to say it, and as she uttered the words I couldn't help but smile.

'I can't believe how old you're getting, I remember when you were a teenie tiny baby, all helpless and floppy,' she exclaimed as she collected our plates and put them on the tray which now lay on my bedroom floor. Of course, she couldn't help but pinch my cheeks, as she always did when she talked about me as a baby.

'Now look at you, all grown up, a skilled sorcerer, and so tall!' she said getting even more nostalgic and soppy. She pulled me out of bed as she always did, and as I did I noticed I was taller. I wasn't as tall as her yet, but I had definitely grown. Had I really been so preoccupied with school, and magic, and those god-awful training sessions, and my looming sexuality crisis that I hadn't even noticed? I was shocked into silence as my mother dragged me out of my room, gently pushing me up against the pillar to mark my new height. As I turned around to see how much I had grown, I couldn't help but gasp. I was nearly 5'8", only a couple inches off my mother. I was still fairly small in comparison to my peers, but I was very slowly catching up.

'Oh wow, you really are growing up!' my mum said, almost as shocked as I was. I know she pretended to think I had actually grown, and chuckled slightly at her surprise. I turned to look at her, as was concerned to see a tear in her eye.

'Mum? Are you okay?' I questioned, the sudden mood swing taking me by surprise.

'It's just... well, I know I always say it, but you are getting so old. So grown up. It won't be long until...' she stuttered, trying to keep her composure, but I know what she meant.

'Until I graduate, and join Odin's army,' I nodded, finishing her sentence. My mother turned to me, a worried look on her face. She looked at me, and I was prepared for her to say something serious.

‘You have been trying, haven’t you? During your training, you can defend yourself now?’ she questioned, the sadness wiped of her face. I opened my mouth to respond, to reassure her that I had improved significantly since my first lesson.

‘Well, of course you have, look at you. Taller, and even got some muscle on you now,’ she said, squeezing my arms. She smiled at me and the scared, unsure woman I just saw was suddenly gone. That was something else I hadn’t noticed, but looking down at my arms now I saw that my pyjama top was now tight around my arms, instead of loose like it used to be.

‘Yeah. Training is going a lot better now. But it’s fine, mum, I mean, Odin’s achieved peace in all realms,’ I smiled back, knowing that there would be no big wars since Odin took his place as ruler of the nine realms. It was one positive that I could hold on to since being told I was to serve in the army.

My mother nodded, but I could sense she didn’t completely agree. ‘Yes, peace. You’ll be okay,’ she whispered as she stroked my cheek lightly. She told me to get ready for school, but something about her demeaner made me feel unsettled, like the story of peace that we had been told wasn’t the full story. I had no time to worry about that now, my head already full of concerns.

I was grateful my mother gave me the day off from magic, the lessons now becoming harder and harder every day. I wish we could go back to casting illusions, as telekinesis was far harder, and I could tell my mother was becoming impatient as I struggled to keep up with Loki. I wasn’t quite as lucky with training, as there is no excuse except death to miss one of Brandt’s lessons.

After the school day went past in a blur, excited for my birthday meal with my mother and Frigga, one of my few chances to spend time with the queen, time slowed down once I reached the locker room. I quickly changed into my armour, wanting to avoid the chance to see Loki changing next to me, and I hurried out into the courtyard. I was shocked and horrified to find a large blackboard at the edge of the yard, and written in large, printed letters, the words “DUELLING COMPETITION”.

My heart began beating rapidly, a hard lump forming in my throat. This could not be happening. Not today. I was nowhere near ready to duel anyone, having only just mustered the strength to hold my sword up for extended periods of time. I always pair up with Loki, and he taught me what he could, but it was not enough for this. Not enough to actually fight someone.

I noticed names scrawled down below the title on the board, Sif vs Volstang, Eirik vs Halstien, and the list went on until I saw my name. Afi vs Fandral, and the sight of those names together brought back that familiar feeling of nausea. I had to fight Fandral. Not only one of Thor’s friends, but also one of the most skilled swordsman in our class. I had a sinking feeling that my mother was wrong, I would not be okay, and I may not even be able to eat my birthday dinner.