Chapter 1
‘Maria, you’re back’ Fury was walking past the usually empty blinds down office when he saw the figure hunched over her desk, working
‘yes sir’ Maria stands up ‘the worlds changed a lot in 5 years, turned out it needs a lot of management to recover, im working with the UN and congress to-‘
‘are you sure you’re allright to be back?’ Fury asks gently, taking in her haggard appearance. At first she looks normal, like she did every day before. Hair back, suit on, boots shining, but there are dark blue almost green circles under her blood shot eyes, her cheeks are hollowed out and her hand was shaking slight when she put down the tablet
‘Im fine’
‘I’m serious Hill, its only been two weeks. You look like you haven’t slept, haven’t eaten’
‘I’m fine Fury, I know how to do my job and I need to do it’
‘you lost everything Maria nd now you expect me to accept you just walking in here with no warning?’ he questions angrily, his temper rising with worry and she slumps back down on her chair
‘I told Coulson. And May, and Bobbi’
‘but not me?’ he sits opposite her and she hangs her head ‘I knew you’d react like this’
Fury sighs ‘Hill you are the strongest person I know, and you lost the second strongest person I know’
‘we all lost her’
‘don’t give me that bullshit like you aren’t a ghost in your own skin right now’
‘of course I’m a fucking ghost’ Maria snaps ‘I was on a main road in DC a month ago, but apparently it was 5 years and a month ago because suddenly I’m here and shes not. Natalia’s not here and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye it was just like that’ Maria snaps her fingers
‘this is why you should take more time off, this grief is massive Maria, and you need to feel it, not just push it down, plaster on a face and come to work’
‘you don’t understand’ Maria murmers
‘yes I do I-‘
‘no. you don’t understand. I lost the love of my life, but she was more than that. She was the life of my life and I don’t care how stupid that sounds because I cant think about it. I cant think about the fact that I cant evern remember the last thing she said to me, or the last look on her face because I didn’t know it was the last. I cant think about the fact her clothes are still in my wardrobe because otherwise I feel sick and I cry and my thoat closes up and I cant breathe and I shake and I want to sceam but I cant’ Maria’s voice rises and voices until she falls into her chair
‘Fury. This job saved me once, it’ll save me again’
‘Maria-‘
‘Its what I have left of her, please’ Marias voice cracks and Fury stands
‘no active duty. No working over 12 hours. Welcome back Commander’ then he hesitates ‘It was going to be her ceremony today, I’m not sure if the others told you. I can stop it if you want or…’
‘no’ Hill shakes her head ‘do it’
‘will you-‘
‘I’ll see, maybe. Just go ahead with it.’
***
Fury stands on the small platform and faces the mass of people. Almost very SHEILD agent in the entire organization is there, and above the crowds of people, there are screens shoing hundreds more, all over the world. hundreds gathered to watch Natasha Romanoff being put up on the SHEILD wall of valour.
‘Agents, we are all gathered here today to honor and remember a SHEILD agent who made the ultimate sacrifice. Natasha Romanoff gave her life to save millions and-‘ Fury can feel the ice blue eyes on him before he turns slightly to see Hill watching him from the side, her face pale and blank of any emotion.
‘and we cannot thank her enough for that. But we can make sure she is remembered. SHEILD history is lined with the people who are on this wall. Those agents who fall for us to stand, to keep going, to keep fighting the good fight. Natasha came to this organization a harder way than most. She was Natalia and had suffered, but she kept on going, kept on fighting until she was more her than she was them. Then she became our black widow, the Natasha Romanoff we all know-who fought aliens and trained agents and saved the world. But she also ate all the chocolate pudding in the cafeteria and playing pranks on the council. So we remember her in every way, in every moment and every mission and every role.’ Fury turns to his left and Bobbi hands May a box.
Coulson gently opens it and, his eyes rimmed with tears, reaches in and passes Fury a small, engraved circle, a SHEILD logo in the middle, and in the middle of that, a tiny hourglass, with the time run out, Agent Romanoff is traced on the outside. He holds it for a moment, the silence in the room palpable, hundreds of eyes pouring with hundreds of tears. Then he stops and turns to the side.
‘Hill’ he calls out and the woman flinches, he knows she thought this might happen and its one of the many reasons she didn’t want to come. Bobbi looks over at her and nods, her eyes boring ‘you’ll regret it’ into Maria’s, then she starts to move. The few seconds it takes hill to move through the crowd to the front feels like minutes. The crowd starts whispering. Its always the Director that dresses the wall of valour, never, ever, anyone else. But Hill stands up on the stage and Fury passes her the badge, murmuring something to her too quiet for even the ones at the front to hear.
She turns, perfectly on her heel, salutes to him and everyone gathered there sees her hand shaking as she slowly turns her back to the audience.
It takes Maria three tries to hook the tiny hold onto the nail in the centre of the wall of valour, but she cant let go. Her hand rests on the edge of the badge, vision swimming with tears, ear muted to the crowed whisperings behind her and head bowed all the way, almost in prayer.
It was meant to be her. The moment she’d seen this wall she’d known she’d be on it. Commander Hill, a logo, that’s it. That’s how she goes. It was always going to be her first, not Natasha, never Natasha. Natasha was too smart, too funny, too strong, too kind, too-. No. it was her first. Then her head almost snaps back to reality and she starts to blink as fast as she can, wiping her eyes and only realising when she’s trying to stem her tears that her hands left the badge and Natasha is up there with the dead. But Nat isn’t dead. Nat is only gone. Only gone.
Gone.
Theres a gasp as suddenly Maria falls forwards, her knees hitting the floor as she collapses to kneeling in front of wall, body racking with sobs. Fury hangs his head as Bobbi’s crying become vocal, May shaking on Coulson’s arms as the agents, most crying themselves start to slowly trail back to their positions. Some stay, wondering why their strong Commander Hill is still on her knees, forehead leaning against the new badge, head in her hands, almost perfectly still and silent except the weeping.