Chapter 4
Maria rolls her eyes as Steve groans dramatically on the sofa
‘I swear to god this man has been hit by a truck and not blacked out, if I’d known kissing my girlfriend would have this result I would have done it to shut him up years ago.’
‘Hill?’ Steve murmurs groggily
‘oh look hes come around’ she replies sarcastically, thrusting a glass of water into his hand
‘everyone who already knew out’ Nat orders, positioning Tony on the sofa beside steve and sitting opposite them, her hand automatically joining with Maria’s
‘firstly I would like too start of by saying there are about 20 weapons in this room and I’m not afraid to use them’ she grins and Maria nods
‘you hurt Natasha and I will hurt you’
Tony stands up ‘I feel unsafe in this environment’
Maria glares at him ‘seriously? Because if this really makes you that uncomfortable then we’re not going to keep you here, but I think you want an explanation’
‘I think we deserve an explanation’ Steve whispers, sitting up slowly and nursing his glass of water
‘we don’t owe you shit’ Natasha states and Maria smirks
‘shes got a point. But’ she glances at Natasha, a full paragraph in her eyes and the other woman finally nods
‘we’re willing to answer your questions’
‘great. You’re dating? since when? For how long? Why didn’t you tell us? Are you both into ladies then? So it was never nat and birdbrain? Are you really the maria theyre all talking about? When did you meant Natasha’s family?’ Tony gushes out and Nat rolls her eyes
‘yes. Since 2011, do the maths, none of your business, I am-mia kind of is, never idiot, yes-a few years ago’ she reels off and theres silence as they all match up the answers
‘wait you guys. you guys are…’ Steve lowers his voice ‘queer?’
‘yes dumbass’ Natasha starts harshly but Maria squeezes her hand to stop, seeing Steve go pale again
‘Steve when you got out of the ice did you ever learn about Stone wall? Or pride? Or AIDS?’
‘whats that?’ his forehead creases and Maria sighs
‘Jesus, wow, how can I explain?’
‘oh damn you’re from the 40s’ Tony turns around to face steve ‘you think its still-’
‘illegal’ Natasha finishes quietly ‘it was when I was born too. I think, I remember it on a mission maybe, but it might as well have been a death sentence in the Red Room, Steve’ she pauses ‘there was a huge movement, queer people finally came out and fought for their own rights’
‘SHEILD taught you about the Black Lives Matter and civil rights movement around that’
‘yeah, I had a powerpoint and its been in a few books’
‘well we did something similar’ Maria grins softly ‘and it happened, slowly, its legal now, and since 2015 we can… we can get married’
Nats head snaps towards her and Tonys eyes widen slightly
‘you guys aren’t married?’
‘no’ Natasha says lowly, her eyes full of warnings ‘why would you think that’
‘just in the way you act’ Tony thinks ‘now I realise it it seems so obvious, you guys just… whats the word… attract to each other, like magnet in a room. God how didn’t we see it’ he pats Steve on the arm ‘I mean, everything I only see now, the little touches, the looks, the sneaking off at events, it was never Clint it was right there in front of us!’
‘the whole time’ Maria smiles
‘the whole damn time’ Tony sighs, then stands up ‘damn it I gotta tell pep-I can right?’
‘just pepper tony’ Natasha says ‘I mean it, this is a well kept secret and its staying that way for the time being’
‘urgh fine. But’ he points between them ‘I better be planning the wedding’
He leaves Natasha bright red and even Maria pink behind the ears, Steve slowly sorting through all the information in his brain
‘I’m… I think im going to do some googling’ he says gently and Natasha bits down a laugh
‘okay big guy, if you need any help or answer, just give us a shout’
‘okay, allright’ Steve gets up awkwardly ‘I guess im, im happy for you’ then he shakes Marias hand (much to her surprise) and walks out.
Natasha heaves a sigh of relief laced with a laugh and leans back against Maria
‘oh my god’
‘oh my god’ she repeats
‘I honestly did not think that’s how I would been spending my morning’
‘no, but its good right’ Maria looks down at her girlfriend ‘they’ve reacted so well, maybe everyone else would too’
‘what are you talking about Masha?’ Natasha sits up and wheels around don the soda so shes facing Hill
‘you know what I mean Nat’ Maria says seriously ‘this is getting hard, don’t try to lie to me, we’re both feeling the strain’
‘of keeping a simple secret’
‘this isn’t a simple secret’ Maria snaps and Nat recoils
‘Im sorry, I’m sorry’ Maria says quickly, reaching her hands out, but Natasha seems to have shrunk
‘I’m not angry at you Natasha, im just so fucking tired’
Nat stays silent her eyes ghosting over slightly
‘Natalia, come back to me?’ Maria says gently, reaching out to take Natasha’s hand again, Nat flinches at her touch but seems to drop back down to earth
‘sorry, I was just…’
‘Imagining it all going wrong?’ Maria asks and she nods
‘I know, ive done it, every time I think about just thinking screw it and going to pride, or to take your hand in the middle of the street, or squeeze your leg in a press conference, or walk you down the red carpet. I want to do all those things because life is so short and I feel like we’re wasting it’
‘we’re not Mia, we’ve got years, years when I wont be able to fight anymore, or you’ll retire, or the word doesn’t need saving again!’
‘we’ll be dead’ Maria murmurs and Natasha bites her lip
‘I know you Natalia, inside out, as well as I know myself and I know you’ll stop fighting only when you’re dead. And I’ll be in shield until I go down with the badge, we have given our lives to something bigger and we will give our lives to something bigger. I’m happy to die for this as long as I die with you and if I think even for one moment that you are faltering in your own beliefs then that’s okay, but I know theres a limit to how long you can be an agent, theres no one but fury and Coulson over 50 pretty much and dont you dare let me go and bring me back like Coulson. When I go im gone, Ive spent my whole life leaving, that will never change’
‘okay’ Natasha nods ‘I know, I know and if I could stay with you until the sun exploded and the earth burned up I would’
‘but there are places we can only go alone’ maria says gently
‘there are places we can only go alone’ Natasha repeats, leaning back and letting Maria run her fingers through her hair
‘I watch you sleep sometimes’
‘you weirdo’ maria laughs
‘but really its literally the one time I see you without a wrinkle’ Natasha curls around and pokes the space between Marias eyebrows
‘hey that’s mean!’ Mia catches her finger
‘but really you just look so relaxed and so beautiful’ Natasha smiles and Maria snorts
‘you hog the duvet’
‘I do not!’
‘yes you do, I wake up and you’re all wrapped up and im cold’
‘if you’re cold then you hug me more’ Natasha sticks out her bottom lip
‘aw’ Maria squeezes her ‘if you asked me id cuddle you anyway and we’d have to skip the step where I freeze my tits off’
‘my girlfriend ladies and gentlemen, a woman of academically accurate expressions’ Natasha jokes and Maria rolls her eyes
‘shut up you’re the one who makes the aircon freezing, then takes the duvet – its just mean’
‘I know’ Natasha sighs, leaning back so her full body weight is on Maria ‘I’m just the worst girlfriend ever’
‘the worst’ Maria agrees ‘you’re lucky I put up with you’
‘hmmm’
‘I mean, just imagine, thousands of thirst tweets about you, thousands of fan arts, fanfictions, imagine that?’
‘imagine it’ Natasha sighs
‘now imagine crushing that idea. Crushing you and Steve, you and Clint, you and tony, you and Bruce?’
‘Bruce?’ Nat squeaks
‘don’t ask me, pep updated me about the PR and you guys are married apparently’
‘oh yeah, ive got something to tell you’ Natasha says seriously
‘I cant believe it’ Maria gasps dramatically ‘you’re cheating on me with Bruce?’
‘Yes’ Natasha wipes away a fake tear ‘I cant help it Maria’
‘it’s the raw animal magnetism’ Maria shakes her head ‘I knew you couldn’t resist his sexual masculinity’
‘yes it i-‘ Natasha tries, but can only make it half way without breaking out in laughter
‘oh god this is messed up’ she reaches up to tie back her hair, tangling around her shoulder but Maria catches her wrist and starts to gently braid it from behind
‘but im serious about this Natasha’
‘and im serious about watching you sleep’
‘im not getting Botox for the wrinkle’
‘of course not the winkle is iconic’ Natasha shakes her head, grinning and Maria rolls her eyes
‘alright alright’
‘I just mean… you said there are places we can only go alone’
‘yes’
‘Sappho’
‘ha ha im bi’
‘sorry, I just, I mean, god the words don’t make sense in my head’
‘try and tell me Nat, I’ll understand’ maria stokes her hair back
‘I don’t want to be alone. Ever. Had too much of that at the Red Room. And so, when you’re asleep I know you’re peaceful, because you’re happy being alone-‘
‘im happy with you’
‘and alone’ Nat adds ‘and I cant do it, I cant sleep because I know that I might not wake up, or I might wake up screaming, or hurting or hurting you, so I guess I just cant manage it’
‘I’ve got you though, I’m always right by you’
‘I just don’t think it, I know its stupid’
‘its not’
‘and I know that death will be like it, it’ll just be aloneness, total… without you. And I don’t think I can deal with that and so I watch you sleep, until I fall asleep to your breaths and your freckles and your hair imprinted between the pillow on my cheek’
Maria pauses for a moment ‘Sappho’ she coughs and Natasha snorts
‘fair’
Then theres more silence as she strokes Nat’s hair and the redheads eyes slowly close
‘I will never leave you Io non ti lascerò mai, Je ne te quitterais jamais, Nunca te dejaré, ya tebya nikogda ne ostavlyu. Ti voglio bene, Je vous adore, Te quiero, ya tebya lyublyu.’
‘I love you’ Natasha whispers ‘until the sun explodes’
‘until the world ends’