Chapter 2
It wasn’t that he was avoiding him. Well, it wasn’t that he was avoiding him on purpose. It was easy to hide behind excuses of busy days at the lab, and lots of work to do. There was always lots of work to do. It helped that Steve called onto a mission almost immediately after New Years, letting Robin throw himself into work without a second thought.
Because honestly, if he thought about it for just a little bit too long, he wasn’t sure what would happen. He had made his peace with whatever non-relationship between the two of them. Or at least he thought he had.
Robin didn’t think about it. He was too busy studying the relationship between a chunk of alien metal and earth elements at the moment. It was really quite fascinating actually, you see it reacted almost as if sentient to certain temperatures while not reacting to other metals it was introduced to and-
Anyways. That’s a conversation to be had with Hank the next time Robin saw him.
The following month was hard. Robin wasn’t one to like the cold in the first place, and with this weird tension between him and his best friend it felt even colder. His nightmares had subsided for the most part, as did the migraines. But in their place settled vague dreams, and a seemingly endless low level headache.
The dreams were nothing new, just rehashing tamer bits and pieces of nightmares past. A glimpse of a cold room, warmth in his palms, struggling to breathe. When he woke up, it wasn’t in a cold sweat, it wasn’t in intense fear.
He just… woke up.
He went to work.
He popped a painkiller or two.
And worked some more.
Things were fine, really, the beginning of the year was always usually busy. He just really wanted to be on top of things this year.
Maybe he had only seen Steve a total of four times in the month of January, but that was normal for when they were both busy.
It wasn’t actually any of his business what Steve did in his free time anyways. Actually, Robin hoped he was getting out there, mingling with the ‘normal’ folk.
At least he was able to be of use, somehow, buried in work in his lab.
~
Robin hadn’t been home when Fury had broken in, and subsequently been shot.
The sleep deprived scientist had gotten a call from Natasha, someone he hadn’t personally heard from in months, to not go home. To meet her at the hospital.
Of course the worst possibilities ran through his mind first and foremost. Who was dying? Steve was… basically invincible. It couldn’t have been him, could it?
But if it was Nat calling him… it had to be serious.
He had already been on his way home, the call interrupting him halfway there. Robin hadn’t wanted to leave the labs, almost deciding to sleep on the cot he had set up in a back closet. They were so close to a breakthrough he could taste it. But he hadn’t been home in days. He needed a real meal, needed to be in his own space.
He needed to see Steve again.
When Robin arrived at the hospital, he didn’t expect to see Fury on the table.
Robin didn’t have much experience with people he knew dying. He didn’t know how to feel, how to react. When Phil had died… he didn’t think about it much. Steve had barely looked at him. Robin had offered a hand on Natasha’s shoulder. He knew he meant a lot to her, it was the least he could manage. On the other hand he couldn’t even stand next to Maria, the emotion was too much. The grief in the room was overwhelming, he was almost physically ill at the sensation. It welled in the pit of his stomach, felt stiff in his chest.
Robin barely could barely take in anything that was happening around him. He had just spent basically two days in the labs, unable to tear himself away from work. The conversation was nothing more than muffled voices around him. It was taking everything in him to keep together, he hadn’t stretched his mental muscles in so long it was all he could do to keep standing. It wasn’t until Steve’s hand was on his shoulder that anything actually broke through to him.
“Stay close to me, I don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t want you out of my sight for longer than necessary.” It wasn’t often Robin heard Steve’s Captain voice in action, but it sent a shiver down his spine. And not in a good way.
~
Robin didn’t know where he was. The last thing he remembered was standing in a hallway of a hospital in the middle of the night. Now it was afternoon and Steve was walking briskly in front of him. He almost stopped, startled by the sudden transition. How long had it been? How had he blacked out, but was still walking, conscious? He hadn’t experienced loss of time like this in… a long time.
“Where are we going? What’s the plan?” Robin asked, jogging behind the super soldier, his voice shaky. They were barely disguised, Robin had managed the energy to manipulate his hair to be a neutral colour and Steve's to be darker. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. The look Steve had given him was one of concern, Robin didn’t need to reach out to feel it. Of course Steve had already told him what was happening, but Robin didn’t say anything else. He couldn’t, even if he had wanted to. Not when the fear of missing time threatened to close his throat, threatened to cloud his vision.
“My friend, Sam, lives near here. We’re going there first,” was all Steve had replied with. Robin wasn’t familiar with the area. Then again, he wasn’t familiar with most of D.C. as it was. He hadn’t heard of this Sam, they must be a new friend. It made sense, it was only fair that Steve reached out and made friends. As inopportune the timing was, Robin was glad he had someone else besides him to call a friend.
The two of them came up to a small residence, the door opening to reveal a fit dark skinned man. There were words exchanged but Robin barely heard them, a wave of exhaustion hitting him. Steve turned to him as, who Robin assumed to be Sam, ushered them in. Following where he was led; he found himself in a spare room, a first aid kit already on the counter of the adjoined bathroom.
Robin took the opportunity to clean up.
He hadn’t looked in a mirror for the better part of three days. His hair was a mess, dirt mucked up his face. Bags under his eyes, his complexion pale. He looked like a walking corpse. How could he let himself get this bad? And for what? Because he couldn’t face his best friend after an awkward night? And now he was forgetting chunks of time. He vaguely remembered going back to their apartment, he could feel a dull pain in his left side, his right knee ached…
There was a terse knock at the door.
“Ren,” Steve started, his voice stiff despite using the soft nickname. He stood in the doorway, hesitating. Robin stilled. He had never heard Steve call him that in such a serious tone. “You’re going to stay here with Sam. I trust him, you can trust him. I don’t know when we’ll be back… I need you to be safe.”
“Bullshit, you told me not even a few hours ago to stay close.” Robin stood his ground stepping towards him, almost chest to chest with the super soldier. He couldn’t let Steve go without him, not after how he had treated the older man the entire past month, not when he needed him now. His own health be damned. “I’m coming with you.”
“NO, Robin. You haven't slept in three days. You haven’t been in the field for a while. I don’t remember the last time I saw you at home for longer than five hours. You could have died today.” Steve had never yelled at Robin.
There was a rage bubbling in the younger man’s chest, but he was right. He hadn’t slept more than a combined twelve hours in the last two weeks. He was basically dead on his feet. Steve said... Steve said he could have died today. What had happened in the hours he had lost? A whole day, gone. He didn’t even know how they got here.
“I don’t know what I did… I don’t know why you’re avoiding me, but please. If you’re not gonna listen to me as a Captain, listen to me as your friend.” His voice almost cracked, and the rage left Robin as quickly as it appeared. He hadn’t meant to shut him out, he hadn’t meant to avoid him. All he had needed was some space, some time. Something. They had gotten so complacent with the domesticity of their lives, Robin completely forgot how quickly their circumstances could change, he forgot who they were. The risks that were posed on their lives every day. ”I need you to stay here. Get some rest. We might need you soon, and not in a lab.”
Robin disregarded the fact they weren’t alone and pulled him into a tight hug. Sam was right there, and Steve had never been affectionate around anyone else, let alone around people he hadn’t known long.. It didn’t matter.
“Just… be safe. Please,” he whispered into his chest as the larger man wrapped his arms around him..
“Of course. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Steve replied as he held him just a bit tighter before letting him go. His eyes turned to the other man, “Take care of him for me, okay?”
Sam nodded in the corner of Robin’s vision, and then he was gone.
He stood there, unmoving. Stuck, unable to help once again. His eyes glued on the door Steve had just left through. Whatever energy he had left, was drained out of him the second the door shut behind him. Left behind. Again.
“I’ll make up a bed for you, yeah?” Sam piped up behind him. “You must be tired.”
Robin was so, so tired.
~
Sam was a good host. He indeed made up a bed and in turn let Robin sleep until his body decided to wake up. Which, as it turned out, to be almost an entire day.
It was the most restful sleep Robin had in years. There were no nightmares, no dreams, and yet he still woke in a dead sweat. The first few moments, he had no idea where he was, only after a moment he had calmed down and remembered what had happened, where Steve had taken him.
“Is everything alright?” A voice came from outside the bedroom door, it wasn't the same scarily calm voice Robin had come to know. Sam’s voice was rushed, shaky. Fear. “I got this weird feeling, if you don’t answer I’m coming in to check.” Robins breath caught in his chest. He remembered the first while of living with Steve. It was always hard to keep his emotions in check after waking up. The nightmares… Steve would come to check on him every time. That is, until he had started hiding himself away from his friends and from himself. It must have happened again.
“I’m okay,” Robin managed to get out, reeling back in the fear that must have crept through. “Just… give me a minute.”
“Okay,” Sam responded, but he didn’t sound sure. He hovered for a moment longer. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.”
It didn’t take long for Robin to collect himself, only a few minutes and he made his way out to the kitchen. Sam was doing some dishes, so he sat quietly at the table. It wasn’t an awkward silence, surprisingly. Robin seemed to feel at home around the new man, but seeing as he had become friends with Steve in such short time it made sense.
“I’m, um, sorry about earlier. And this whole situation really” Robin blurted out. As comfortable as he was, he still wasn’t used to being around people in general. “I uh… have this thing. Sort of a by product of what I can do. Sometimes my emotions, feelings, leak out and other people feel them.” It was an embarrassing thing to talk about with anyone, but especially with a stranger.
“All good, I’m no stranger to weird emotions.” Sam replied approaching the table to sit next to him. “I mean, kinda weird, but you see all sorts of things like that nowadays.” Robin smiled, he was just thinking it wasn’t often he met someone outside of their circles this laid back when there was a knock at the door.
~
Robin was still losing chunks of time. He was JUST sitting down with Steve, Natasha, and Sam for breakfast, and now he was in a car sitting between Jasper Sitwell and Natasha, knowing Hydra was somehow involved. There was no way he could tell anyone it was happening. Not now. Not with everything going on. He had maybe a day or two of rest, but he was suppressing his powers too much, he knew it. If it kept on like this, he wasn’t sure what would happen. Maybe he would just keep losing chunks of memory, it’s what they said happened when he was a kid, part of why he couldn’t remember. Would he just lose more years of his life to this? He couldn’t think, couldn’t hear what was going on around him they were yelling and-
Sitwell had been ripped out of the car next to him, there was a truck behind him, the steering wheel- They were being attacked. Robin knew Steve had the other two, as the car began to truly lose control his mind went blank, his instincts took over. Robin laid his palms flat against one of the remaining doors and felt the material melting, bending into the shape he wanted, something similar to a shield, something to land on. He skidded across the asphalt, not as rough landing as Steve’s he noted seeing the others sprawled across the freeway.
That’s when he saw him. The man with the metal arm. For a split second, everything around him stopped as fear coursed through him, icing his veins, catching in his throat. Robin hadn’t felt such raw emotion in so long, he almost choked on it. He had fought in situations like this before, why did this man scare him so much? Heat radiated from his palms, his powers only barely kept in check, the shield in his hands was barely holding its shape.
There were men shooting at them, he didn’t have time for this. He needed off the freeway. With a deep breath, he left his makeshift shield and vaulted over the side, landing on a nearby car. The man had his sights on Natasha, the other men focused on Steve. He had to do something. He had just watched her put his arm out of commission, and she had run. He had to slow him down.
But he was ready. Robin had tried to attack him from behind, but the man must have known he was there. Steve was right, he was out of practice. It was barely a fight. Robin deflected a blow, but a punch caught him in his ribs knocking the wind out of him. Why had he been so confident he could help in this state?
Then the mans metal fingers were on his throat, and the fear he had felt earlier came rushing back in full force. The mans eyes were empty as he stared down at him, his grip tightening until Robin couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think, all sound around him faded away, he could barely move. His hands clawed at the arm, his fingernails scraping the metal. The feeling made his gut twist in a way he hadn’t felt in years. His vision had started to blur, and then suddenly it felt like a floodgate had been opened.
The powers he had been suppressing for years, it felt like a switch in his chest and he felt all of it tenfold. Pain, fear, confusion, concern. But also the love, the care, trust he had been pushing away. His heart felt like it was being torn into a thousand pieces, it felt like at his very core every piece of him was being rewritten time and time again. The yearning for a place with the mutants only to be pushed away. The love and care of Steve checking in on him entwined with the self loathing of thinking there was ever anything there. Growing up alone, no one to help, no one to care for him. Only orders to be filled, expectations to be met. Dreams filled with memories or even memories of memories. Robin felt all of it at once, the despair the fear the anger the pure unfiltered love he still held for all those people, he couldn't hold back from it leaking though to whoever was around.
The man’s eyes widened, and his grip loosened. Robin fell to the ground, coughing and sputtering and shaking.
He could still feel the emotions flowing through him as if they were his blood, almost pulsing. He could hear more shots in the distance. His vision blurry, unfocused. He saw the man fighting with Steve, he had to get himself under control. He let the emotions flow through him, each pulse containing them within himself again more and more.
By the time Robin could hear around him once more, there were cuffs being placed on him and he was being loaded into the back of a van with the others.