Steve remembers the fear that ran through his head as the world around him began to disappear. He had watched as colleagues, friends, family … Steve watched as his family disappeared around him. They were there one moment. They were right there. He could reach out and touch them. But then, in the next moment, he would watch them turn to dust in front of him of his very eyes. It was a frightening horror for them all. And they were helpless, unable to do anything about it. There was nothing, no one to hold on to and give comfort for the incredible loss. They couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t stop it. The man’s thoughts did not go to that selfless place that one would expect Captain America’s thoughts to go. The place where he was worried about the state of the rest of the world, the universe, and all the people, all the innocents that the universe had lost. But he thought selfishly, selfishly like a nomad, a man, like any other human, his thoughts were only about the people he cared about, the people he was unsure of if they would be among the vanished. His mind thought about the woman and the young child he had left behind at Avenger’s facility.
He had once said that the man who wanted a family had been left in the ice over seventy years ago. But that was not true. When it came to Sharon, he was happy, and he felt as if he was at peace. With her, he felt that if he wanted to, he could finally take a break from this life and settle down with her. He had wanted a life with her despite the troubles, despite the fact that they were constantly on the run. He found peace in all their chaos. However, as the Nomad thought of his family, he knew he had a duty as Captain America to help others before he went to check on those that he loved.
He had a duty to check on the people still in Wakanda. Help with the damages, and Captain America did, he put on his best smile to help them where he could. But while the Captain was present and putting on a brave face, Steven Rogers was lost in his thoughts and wars. His brain raced and begged him to go back to the woman he loved, and their daughter. Steve Rogers was being eaten raw by his thoughts and needed to know that they were alive. He needed to know that even after losing his two best friends, that he still had them. He was not sure he could go on if he lost them too. He would be broken beyond repair. How many lives can he spend half lived?
So as soon as he and Natasha were able, they made their way back with Rhodey, Rocket, and Bruce. Steve sat nervously the whole flight. His feet tapping nervously on the floor of the helicarrier. His whole body shook as he tried to prepare himself for the absolute worst of scenarios. It seemed in this reality they were living in, that the worst of nightmares were able to come true. He raced off the helicarrier as soon as he could. The helicarrier had barely touched the ground when he was out the door and running into the facility. Despite the horrid mood of the day, there was still hope in the people that watched him run. They hoped, with the little that was left in them, that the blue-eyed soldier did not lose everyone he loved.
“Sharon!” Rogers shouted racing through the halls.
The silence made his heart ache. He wanted nothing more than to hear some kind of witty comeback from his girlfriend’s voice.
“SHARON!” He screeched as the words in the back of his throat went dry.
There was no response, and the blonde was nowhere in sight, as he checked in the rooms. His heart was breaking more and more, and hope was fleeing with every room he checked.
And then he heard something. The familiar sound of his daughter crying. He never thought he would be so relieved to hear her wails. “Ellie.” He mumbled softly running towards the sound of the crying child. She wasn’t even a year old, and here she was without her mother. Steve picked up the baby and bounced her gently in his arms as tears fell from his blue eyes. His tears fell down his pale cheeks and dropped into the curly blonde hair of the babe in his arms.
“It’s okay, I’m here. Daddy’s here.” He said, holding her close to his chest. “I’m not leaving. I promise.”
Natasha had entered the room with Steve only moments after his reunion with his little girl. Steve tore his eyes away from his daughter to look at the former assassin. Looking at her he knew all hope was lost.
“There’s no sign of Sharon anywhere.” She didn’t need to say it. He knew. He knew. Sharon would have been with Ellie if she was here. She would not have left the fragile girl alone. Steve looked away from Natasha and just stared out the windows of the Avenger’s facility. Holding Ellie tighter to him. He could not handle this right now.
“I’m sorry Steve.”
He didn’t want her sympathy. He wanted everyone back. He wanted Bucky, Sam, all the innocent civilians, back. He wanted Sharon. He wanted his daughter’s mother. He wanted the love of his life. He did not want Natasha’s sympathy, or anyone else’s for the matter.
Steve shook his head, ignoring the teammate who was trying to comfort him. He just rocked his daughter in his arms, whispering to her as she cried and wailed in his arms.
“It’s okay, Ellie, we are going to be okay.”
If he lied to himself enough, maybe it would come true.
I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care
But it's so cold and I don't know where
Ellie had her mother’s brown eyes. Her light blonde curls reminded Steve of Sharon’s, and how the curls would cover her face when she woke up in the morning. The times when the toddler laughed were the hardest because of the way her smile would stretch to her eyes, and how her little eyes would squint, which made him immediately think of Sharon. He used to think it was such a blessing that the young girl reminded him of his late love. But on his worst days, he thinks of it as such a curse. Even though Sharon is gone he cannot move on or escape the guilt of seeing Sharon everywhere.
Most days, Steve was a very dedicated father to Ellie. She was his little girl, his family, his baby. But there were still days where he would just sit around and could not find in himself to be in the present. It was in those days where Steve would finally grieve over every misfortune in his life. Caught in the memories of the past, caught in the visions of a better future where Sharon and his friends were still by his side. Steve was lucky that he had people around him to help support him and to help support Ellie. But it did not mean it was not hard for the father and daughter pair.
As the years would go by, the young girl could not understand why her father would not be able to stop staring at pictures of the woman people would refer to as her “Mommy.” The toddler had no memories of the blonde. She had stories, and the kindnesses people would tell her about the pretty woman. But the woman was only that, a story and a picture.
The young child did not understand why her father at times would not have the energy to take her out and play with her in certain moments. Or how his tears would take over him if she smiled a certain way.
It was complicated for the young child, there was a lot about the world she did not understand. But the little girl just knew he was sad.
And the sadness felt so cold.
Those bad days, Steve struggled so hard. He didn’t know how to properly care for those around him. He thought he would be used to not getting a happy ending. However, it hurt knowing just how close he was to getting it.
I brought you daffodils in a pretty string
But they won't flower like they did last spring
Steve had an empty plot for Sharon. So that he could visit, so if he needed to, he could talk to her. It became a part of his and Ellie’s routine. And it had become rather therapeutic knowing he could still talk to her. Or at least try to.
He would bring Ellie with him since he bought it. He would hold her in his arms as he sat by the plot. He would tell her stories about her mother, even if she could not comprehend them. If she slept, he would start to tell Sharon’s empty grave all the little things Ellie accomplished.
Steve would cry. He would cry a lot during those times.
He brought the plot flowers one day. Daffodils . It had felt like it had been too long since he bought Sharon flowers.
He had made a small tradition of buying Sharon daffodils when she was living. When he knew her as his sweet neighbor, and crush, Nurse Kate, he would often chat with her in the halls. One night she had talked about how she had a rough day at work, how some coworkers were giving her a hard time. The next morning, before his morning run, he had gone out and bought her daffodils, and left them at her door.
Daffodils often meant rebirth and new beginnings. He figured the sweet nurse could use a new beginning, or at the very least, a better day at work.
Steve also bought her daffodils on their first official date. They had hung out between the fall of SHIELD and the fall of the Avengers. They were friends. But it was clear, even then Steve did not know Sharon as well as he thought he did. He still cared. And clearly so did she. She sacrificed so much to help him, and his friends, to do what she thought was right, to help him in what he believed in. And it meant the world to him, how much she cared, and not just about him.
He thought it had been fitting to get her daffodils, when they met up again, even with all the chaos of being on the run. He had fun pretending with her on their date, different identities, wigs, masks. They were in a world of hiding and running. A world the spy was used to. A world he’d have to get used to. It was something special getting to know someone when you never really knew how much time you would have before something would go wrong. It was thrilling, their new beginning.
He bought her daffodils after she told him she was pregnant. It felt like the rebirth of the dreamer within Steve. The man who wanted a family had gone into the ice, but that man that hopeful optimistic dreamer was reborn spending time with her. Sharon was his new beginning.
When Ellie was born he had gotten her daffodils once again, amongst other things. And they were so bright. And the world around him was so lively, and happy, and filled with peace. He saw the world around him in a new light, holding his girls in his arms.
Oh, how different these daffodils in his hand felt in comparison to all the daffodils that have come before it.
The daffodils Steve had brought for the plot today were dull and the world around him felt cold and lifeless. And they felt as if they would never properly bloom. Any flowers he would buy for Sharon now could never compare to their predecessors which were bought in happier times and happier moods. No matter how elegant, the flowers henceforth would be poisoned with sadness.
And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
I'm just so tired to share my nights
Just before Ellie’s third birthday. Steve would wake up in the middle of the night to hear her screaming. Three was the beginning of her night terrors.
Ellie would refuse to fall asleep if she was not put to bed in her own room. But every time she slept in the room by herself, the nightmares would come. And they were out of control. Steve would fall asleep on her tiny little bed with her. In attempts to help fight the little girl's demons. He would curl himself around her tiny frame in attempt to keep the nightmares at bay. But nothing he did seemed to help. The nightmares kept coming. Ellie kept screaming. And Steve would have to fight off nightmares of his own, and the horrible aches and pains of improper sleep. As well as the dread that made him feel like a failure of a father.
He would lie awake staring at the ceiling with the little blonde girl in his arms. His thoughts would drift to Sharon and how she would manage to comfort him during his nightmares. Sharon would have known what to do. He felt like a failure because he was certain that Sharon would be able to properly fight off their daughter’s demons, just like how she used to fight off his. He felt useless.
He was tired of sharing his nights in the little girl’s room, without solving a goddamn thing. Steve pulled away from Ellie as she slept in her bed. Hoping that these few moments away would not lead the little girl to another attack.
Steve left her room and grabbed his phone dialing the number of a friend.
“Nat, I think we need some help.”
As the girl started to thrash in her sleep, the super soldier let out a defeated sigh. “I think it might be time I met Harrison and Amanda.”
I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up
On another love
On another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love
On another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love
On another love
All my tears have been used up
Amanda Carter looked very much like her late daughter, or rather the late Sharon Carter looked very much like her living mother. Save for Amanda’s bright red hair, her bright blue eyes, and her wrinkles that came with age, the Carter women were very similar. Steve could not help but think that had this woman had brown eyes or blonde hair, that this was what Sharon would look like, if she ever got to live into her sixties. It was because of this he had a hard time looking at Amanda.
Sharon got her hair and her eyes from Harrison. That also made him difficult to look at. It was likely what made Steve so uncomfortable when the man would just stare at him, his eyes locked onto Steve and they would stare with such anger and disappointment, a look that even after all these years Steve knew. He had rarely been on the receiving end of Sharon’s looks of anger, but there was not much about Sharon that Steve could forget. Every look she had ever given him had played so often in his dreams and danced across the sketches and paintings he had made over the years.
Steve sat on a couch in the living room of the Carter estate in Virginia. He watched as Amanda played with her granddaughter on the floor. And he felt Harrison’s eyes continue to pierce into his soul.
Steve was selfish. He knew that. He also knew what he did was wrong. But even now, he would not admit it. He knew Harrison was never going to like him. Harrison blamed him for the loss of his daughter, and Steve allowed the blame cause he felt in many ways that it was true. They couldn’t see Sharon for those two years they were on the run. After Sharon gave up her job, and her freedoms to help him Not that they ever saw much of Sharon beforehand. She would tell Steve how she had a falling out with her family after she joined SHIELD, how enlisting seemed to sign a path that would separate her from the rest of her family. But all contact had been completely lost when she stole that gear to help him fight for his cause. Because contact was lost, they didn’t even know she was pregnant, that she had a child. Steve didn’t tell them. Sharon never told them. And when Nat went to tell them about Sharon being a victim of Thanos’s snap, he specifically told her to not tell them about Ellie, just that their daughter was among the vanished, and he had gotten a plot for her. Steve didn’t have the courage to go and see them all those years ago. And with all the visits to the grave he had for her, he never ran into his late lover's parents. The night before was the first time he talked to them, that heavy phone call. It was also the first time they learned of the relationship between their late daughter and Steven Rogers, and the child they had. And when he arrived this morning, it was the first time they had gotten to meet her.
He was selfish. He would admit that. He did not want them to take Ellie from him. He didn’t want to share his little girl, the only thing he had left of Sharon. He couldn’t lose her too. It was ridiculous to think that the Carter’s would take his daughter away from him, but grief and fear make even the best of people do stupid things.
Ellie had clung onto Steve for the first hour or so when they went to visit Amanda and Harrison for the first time. Amanda started sobbing the first time she looked Ellie in the face.
“She looks just like her....” She had bawled, turning to her husband before having to dismiss herself from the company for a few moments. When she returned in better composure she worked her best to get the young girl to warm up and trust her. And after an hour of shyness, the little blonde was bonding with her grandmother.
“Why now?”
Perhaps Steve could not admit his selfishness after all. Perhaps he was to ashamed to admit how he and Ellie were both plagued with nightmares. Perhaps he couldn’t admit that he needed help.
Steve looked at his daughter before turning to Harrison. A man who very likely would have become his father-in-law, if the world had been different.“Does it matter why? Would it change anything?” He looked back at Ellie. “We are here now.”
So, Steve bought a place out in Richmond, not too far from the Carter Estate a month later.
Harrison and Amanda would watch Ellie when Steve would go to grief counseling. They would visit and spend time with him on his worst days. Harrison never warmed up to Steve, at least not completely. But Amanda made him feel at home. Sometimes she would remind him of his mother, in the way she acted. It was nice. It was a comfort in his life he had been missing for a long time.
Ellie and Steve had been living in Richmond for a year when the car accident happened. Harrison and Amanda were taking Ellie to see a play, Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella at a local theater. A favorite of Sharon’s when she was a girl. At least, that was what Amanda had claimed.
Steve was at a group session when he got the call from Harrison. It was a car accident. Amanda Carter lost her life. Harrison was in need of surgery, but he would be fine, but Harrison had yet to hear about Ellie’s conditions.
Steve remembered rushing to the hospital. He remembered feeling numb. He remembered calling Natasha. And he remembered how hurt he was. But he couldn’t cry. There were no more tears for Steven Rogers to shed. He has cried more than he could in multiple lifetimes. He was just broken, and just waiting to find out about the state of his daughter. Praying to God that she is okay because he knows, he knows he can’t afford to lose her too.
Luckily for him and Ellie, she just needed stitches, and a cast. And she would be okay. She would be okay. She was strong like her mother.
And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight
But my hand's been broken, one too many times
So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude
Words they always win, but I know I'll lose
Steve blamed Harisson for the accident. How could he not? Harrison was the one that was driving the car. Harrison was the one who swerved out of the road and caused the accident. When he found out that Harrison lost control of the vehicle, he was furious. He threw around harsh words and insults that he didn’t mean. And no matter what he said to the man, he knew Harrison was blaming himself, and hating himself far more than Steve could manage to do. The accident cost him his wife, and it could have cost him his granddaughter.
Harrison was certain that Steve would leave again. That he would leave Virginia, take Ellie far away from him, back to New York with his Avengers family.
And Steve thought he was back to having no one again. Conflicted, and selfish. Steve wanted to take Ellie far from the people that caused her harm, but he couldn’t take one more person away from Harrison. And Ellie needed people that had connections to her mother.
But Steve couldn’t stay in Richmond. He couldn’t stand the thought of being in the same room as Harrison. And he decided they would go back to New York, to Brooklyn. But he’d let Harrison see his granddaughter. Steve couldn’t take the man completely away from Ellie, no matter how much he wished he could cut ties with the wealthy Virginian. He would allow Harrison to see Ellie. If he came up to Brooklyn. Harrison sure as hell wasn’t driving Ellie anywhere, and Steve, wouldn’t let the man be alone with the girl, but he would still get to see her. Strict, harsh, perhaps, but Steve felt he was being very generous considering.
And I’d sing a song that’d just be ours
But sang ‘em all to another heart
Ellie had asked her father if they could have a song on the drive back up to New York. The little blonde girl would nod her head around in the car as Steve drove the pickup truck with their belongings back up to Brooklyn. Her curls would bounce as she would sing along to the songs on the radio, mixing up the words often. Steve wouldn’t sing along. He couldn’t. It hurt his heart. He would remember Sharon singing songs at the top of her lungs with him as they would drive around. Her taste was in her mouth. But God he loved her.
He wished he could bring himself to have a song to share with Ellie, to sing along with. But it all hurts. Everything hurts. He didn’t think it was normal to be hurting this badly for so long.
“Any song you want can be our song El.” He said, turning his head to look at her.
So of course, the four-year-old picked the next song to pop up on the radio as their song. She didn’t know the words but she sang along anyway.
“Our song Pop!”
And Steve nodded his head, giving her a smile. But he did not sing. “That’s our song.”
And I wanna cry I wanna learn to love
But all my tears have been used up
When Scott came back, that was the first bit of hope Steve had had since he and the others went to see Thanos and get back the stones, and they found them destroyed.
He had broken down that day. When they returned to Earth he had cried laid in bed just watching Ellie from where she laid beside him on the bed of the facility.
Time works differently in the quantum realm. Or at least that was what Scott kept saying. To the world, he was gone five years, but for him, he was gone five hours. And from there came the thoughts of time travel. And Steve thought that the vanished could come home again, and he could get back Sharon, that Ellie could have a better life which she deserved.
He dreamt of Sharon every night since they found Scott. But for the first time in a while, his dreams were of his future with her and their child.
Ellie was five going on six years old. It had been over a year since the accident, he allowed Harrison to watch her while he tried to figure out how to do this, how to fix the world.
When he was traveling through the past to get the stones, his mind often selfishly thought to go to a time just to see Sharon again, to say all the things he said to an empty grave. When he and Tony went to the seventies, and Steve saw Peggy was when the super soldier was mentally doing his worst. There was so much he wanted to say to the Carter women. So much to say. He couldn’t bring back Peggy. She was long gone from back home. But he had hope, he had so much hope that he would see Sharon again.
When heard Sam’s voice on comms Steve could not help but smile. He had his best friends back.
When he went back to the compound he remembers running into Sharon’s arms, and pulling her into a tight embrace, lifting her off the ground. He held her tight, never wanting to let her go again. He didn’t cry, despite how bittersweet the moment was. It took him a few minutes to let her go.
“I think it’s time you properly meet your daughter.” He said with a soft and gentle smile, taking the blonde woman’s hand. For Sharon, she had just had her baby ten months ago. But that baby was now almost six years old. And she had grown, and oh so beautiful
“Ellie, come to Mama.” The Carter woman had said, opening her arms wide to the young girl, holding her in a tight embrace as she cried holding the girl tightly. Steve’s arms wrapped around Sharon and his daughter. He would keep his family whole. This was how it was always meant to be. And he wouldn’t let anything separate them again.