and i know i've kissed you before but i didn't do it right (can i try again?)
The only response Rosa got was the door shutting. She closed her eyes, unsure how to get a hold on herself, how to quiet her brain. She took her necklace between her fingertips and let her heart break into pieces.
Rosa exhaled through her nose as a sharp pain sat down on her chest and the floor began to rotate under her feet. She wanted to smack her head against the wall for ruining everything. Why did she kiss her, and why did it feel so goddamn good?
She couldn't remember the events of the night. Not a single memory in her mind, she could barely bring herself to breathe. She placed her hands on the counter and rested her head against the cupboard.
A small muffled banging on the door echoed through the place and her eyes flashed open, her heart smote to her ribs harshly. She sniffed and took a step, then another. She hurried towards her apartment's door but disappointment downed on her as she heard another banging and figured the actual source: Arlo. She locked him in her room a few hours ago, when her flat was overly crowded. He wasn't used to seeing many people in such a small place, therefore he wasn't able to restrain his rage around them and had to be kept apart.
She opened her bedroom's door and the dog jumped on her with a cloth in his mouth. She carefully took it away from him, sadly wasting the final straws of her endurance, and threw it in her bed without giving it a second look. Arlo wiggled his tail as he wanted to lick his owner's cheeks and Rosa fell down to her knees, giving the animal what it wanted. She scratched his neck and cursed herself for not checking on him for this long. "I'm sorry, I really am." She took his face between her palms and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. "You didn't deserve it," she said, hugging the dog as he barked and put his head in the crook of her neck. "You're such a good boy, I love you."
She choked on her breath and squinted as to disregard the burning feeling she got in her eyes. It wasn't like someone could see her when the whole apartment was finally left to her and she was sitting on her knees all alone, but she couldn't bear shedding tears. She had no witness nor a reason; yet, she held herself back, writhing in her internal pain in silence.
She untangled herself from the dog and he ran to the living room, paws hitting the hardwood beneath them pettishly. She stood up and got rid of her bra. Let a mellow groan as she came around to release her breasts after a way too long evening. She sat on the edge of her bed in utter darkness but jumped back as her hand touched a wet piece of cloth. She quickly flicked on the light of her room and gulped down as her eyes landed on the pen skirt that was covered in Arlo's salvia. She moved her eyes to the ground and saw the other attire, a drenched pinkish-white sweater.
Blood splashed to her face in the fraction of a second, she shuttered tightly. A warm teardrop escaped the shut lids and swam right down to her lips. She sat back.
When their guests arrived and they dumbly found themselves in a situation where playing games on the floor was a necessity, they came to her room to change their clothes. Gina, apparently, folded her clothes that she wore for the dinner and put them on top of her bed, or on her night table, or... She didn't pay attention to it at the time, all she knew was that Arlo was able to play with them, and that she didn't give the woman a second to take them with her.
Her head unconsciously fell to her hands and all of a sudden she felt dreadfully exhausted. Like the world had drained her, and the nausea she felt deep in her stomach through the entire night was nothing compared to this beyond belief burden that just settled down on her shoulders.
The glimpse of the night sky mirrored her current state. Pitch black, dull, and lifeless. She didn't know exactly how long she'd sit there; one thing she knew though, was that those memories were starting to haunt her. She pulled the redhead into a brief, messy and wicked kiss; the taste of it was still lingering on the tip of her tongue. She blamed it all on the long night she wasn't ready for, and her body that got tired henceforth. She could pick a scapegoat all she wanted, but there was the truth before her eyes. It was that she disgracefully thought about kissing the woman all night long, how could she, that her breath got stuck on her throat every time she felt her touch; and that it was the most dishonest thing a friend could do to another.
The fact that the thought of it crossed her mind alone should've been enough to put her to shame, her mind told her. It was Gina. Her friend. She wasn't someone she could hook up whenever she wanted and move on with her life. She was someone who memorized Rosa's coffee orders. Someone who reminded the detective to take her medicines. Someone who watched her favorite shows just to have more things to talk about. Someone who gave Rosa all her attention, and affection. She pushed all of it away with the back of her hand, but for what? How could she let her body betray her morals and shatter a precious friendship? The sadness took over her; she couldn't forgive herself, and she knew she wouldn't be able to make Gina forget it either.
She rushed to the kitchen without considering anything else and pulled out a big old whiskey bottle in order not to feel this horrible regret she'd had. She wanted to, she had to intoxicate herself until she couldn't even remember her own name; and removed the lid in a hurry. The liquor was burning her throat as it was making its way to her half empty stomach. She liked it, and liking it bothered her. Because for her, this should've been a punishment for not restraining herself and kissing her friend who had been incredibly nice to her.
Gina felt the cold breeze of the night as she left the apartment behind her, she hugged her coat tightly. Her legs began working on their own, she was no longer in charge. The weight of confusion made her steps heavy, she wasn't used to that.
She wasn't used to these kinds of emotions she was feeling so strongly tonight; she was not used to desire someone with this intensity, nor to be left baffled after a moment of proximity.
"What's happening to me," she breathed out, almost like she was waiting for the night sky to answer.
The road flew below her like a river as she started to let her mind wonder. She was pulled into a kiss by the woman she was in love with. It boiled her blood. She finally had a chance to do what she'd wanted to for many long years; she tasted her lips, she pushed her body against her. Yet, she was walking down the street all by herself, getting away from the said woman as fast as possible. Why was that?
It takes great courage to see the one in all their tainted glory and still love them. Gina had never been so brave against any demand of her heart until she met Diaz. She didn't know how exactly it happened, but all of a sudden the detective's each move became mesmerizing, addicting. From the first moment she laid eyes on her to the kiss they shared that night, she was smitten with her. And the kiss, oh the kiss… It was very well like a drug. Rosa's hands on her waist pulled by the shirt, her warm lips were pressed against hers. She forgot that the world existed as she couldn't get enough of those enormous lips in a few ticks. Her soft cheeks burned her palms; she would've set the whole building on fire if it meant she could hold that face a little more.
But Rosa pulled back. It didn't matter that she kissed her back. She pulled back and said it was a mistake. Gina Linetti wasn't the kind of a woman to be someone's midnight love, she couldn't allow that to happen. Her broken heart on one side, her pride on the other; she kept walking.
"Hey, wanna join us?" Slurred the man on the sidewalk.
Too focused on her thoughts to notice them, she almost jumped when she saw the drunks. She got mad at herself for being so uncaring and letting her mind wonder about some kiss during a nightwalk alone in Brooklyn. Her face reddened with more fury and she put her fists in her pockets. Gaining more control of her legs, and her mind, she quickened her steps. She forgot about the babysitter, poor woman must've been waiting for her.
Gina caught sight of her destination, her own apartment, and let out a breath of relief. The mirror on the elevator encountered uneasiness as the metal doors opened. She always loved taking a look at herself in that mirror, it felt different than the ones at home. She would usually pull out her phone and take a photo, or just move closer to it and check out her make-up. But that night, seeing the shaken expression on her face with its purity made her hate it. The bags under her eyes were disturbing to look at. She clicked her tongue and scoffed at herself, trying to understand how fast her face had fallen.
A muffled crying reached her ears as soon as she stepped out. Her hands shook whilst she tried to use her key.
"I couldn't make her sleep," the babysitter said without any greeting.
"It's okay," Gina replied, and she walked towards the woman without even taking her coat off. "I'm sorry you had to wait till this late."
"Not a problem," she said while handing the baby to her mother.
"It is a problem. I, uh… I should call you an Uber," she said. Iggy grasped the ends of Gina's hair with her tiny hands, she held onto them tightly.
"Thank you, Ms. Linetti. But I can call for myself." The younger girl replied as she hurriedly wore her boots. "Oh, and I should tell you. She didn't drink the milk no matter how much I tried." She sounded scared, like she was expecting Gina to be mad at her for that.
"It's alright, I got it." Gina said and her hand kept patting the still crying baby's back.
She handed the girl an envelope and let her take off as she returned her attention back to her loud daughter. "Shh, I'm here." Iggy's thin veins appeared on her forehead and Gina gulped back.
"Okay, you're hungry, huh? Let's feed you, come on."
She sat down on the sofa with the baby after getting rid of the thick fabric around her and washing her hands. She lifted her t-shirt and took out her breast, supporting Iggy's head with one hand.
Seeing the way her daughter calmed down kind of eased her own muscles as well. She buried herself deep in cushions as her baby didn't let go of her. She gently caressed her clothes, her tiny legs and even tinier feet. She was going to smother her with kisses as soon as she was fat and happy.
There were times where she couldn't handle doing all of it by herself, where she wanted to scream for help and take all the sleeping pills she could find to have some peace of mind. But there were also times like this, where she and her daughter were sitting in silence, not a single horrid noise near them. It brought the most soothing smile to her lips, pulling her back from thinking about what happened that night and all her other problems.
She kissed her daughter's temple as a way to show her gratitude for that. Then got up, Iggy still laying on her chest, to prepare something for herself, maybe a sandwich.
A loud noise filled the room, clanging Rosa's ears rackingly. She buried her head deeper in her pillow and prayed for it to mute soon. It didn't. She stretched out to her nightstand instinctively; couldn't remember where her phone was, nor who she was. Her hand roamed the wooden surface clumsily, finally succeeded to grab the target and shut that damn noise.
"What?" She groaned, though her voice didn't come out harsh.
"Hey, good morning bestie!" Jake's voice came from the other end. It was too loud, and cheerful for Rosa's liking. She pulled the device away from her ear and let it stay on top of her sheets.
"Mhm?"
"Were you sleeping? Sorry, I thought you'd be up by now, you know, hitting the gym." His voice became more serious as he heard the other's muffled hum, feeling a bit guilty. "Anyways, I called you to ask if you'd want to come and work this case with me. I know it's your only free weekend but Amy's at some public lecture about creating your own font and Charles was busy, too. You came to my mind. What you say?"
"No," she managed to form. The agonizing hungover headache was too much to handle, and his rambling made it even worse.
"Okay, cool. See you later," he murmured. "Oh, tell Gina I say hi."
She hung up on him.
Rosa pulled the other pillow over her head and tried to deaden the pain with its softness. She could feel all the veins in her body throbbing, especially the ones on her forehead. Arlo jumped on the bed as he noticed that his owner woke up.
"No," she whined weakly. "You can't get on bed."
The dog barked in response, and it felt like a stab to her brain. She rolled over and tried to get on her feet, heading to the bedroom.
As Peralta said, it was her free weekend that she could get once in a blue moon, and she was spending it drunk. She couldn't have regretted something more than the things she did last night, even the thought of it was tormenting. Her face soured as she recalled them from the beginning. Drinking alcohol didn't help, it only made her sleep easier for just a few hours, and now she was left with a headache she didn't know how to reduce. Great.
She chugged down two espresso shots, then poured cereal in a bowl and started chewing it. The crunchy sounds in her mouth were going straight to the inside of her head and she wanted to break her own skull. Maybe that would ease her headache a bit.
Her phone vibrated with a notification, and knowing that her group chats were on mute, she picked it up and her heart stopped beating for a good two seconds.
Gina: can we talk?
She dropped her phone to the kitchen island with a puff. Her fingers dangled in her messy hair, confused and nervous. She didn't want to talk to her, at least not now. What was she going to say? "Uh, sorry. I felt anxious and your lips were near so I just, bam." Well, she already did that, and she was regretting it. She covered her face with her hands and rubbed her eyes. She was going to see Gina on Monday for sure, and she had no idea how that could go. But now, the best she could do was to distract herself.
Hence, Rosa went on a walk with Arlo. He pooped, she took it with a plastic bag. He smelled the dips of trees on the street, she watched him. They stepped on mud, he enjoyed it, she cleaned her boots against the sidewalk. She only abruptly stopped walking when she saw the bakerie, Crust. It reminded her of one specific person. So walking didn't help much. She sighed and went back home.
Then she got on her bike, hitting the road. Tips of her hair floated with the wind. The sun was about to set, and the sky was merged into shades of orange and pink. It was a beautiful sight. She bent over her motorcycle and swayed through the road. It felt good, almost working. Yet, even though her body sailed in the traffic and concentrated on the road that was flowing under her; her mind did not stop.
"You kissed Gina, she was your friend. Her lips felt good." They did. "Your friend. You couldn't control your feelings for her." Feelings?
Rosa slammed on the brakes, and pulled to the side. She removed her helmet in a hurry and tried to take deep breaths.
"Are you okay, ma'am?" The stranger asked.
"I'm fine, thanks," she replied unconvincingly, but the man drove away anyway.
She looked at her surroundings, her brain comprehending none of the things her eyes landed on. She wanted to deny the possibility so badly. She really did, but failed at it. The moment she closed her eyes, Gina's face appeared. Her hands, her body, the hug, the kiss… She put her hands either side of her hips and bit her lip. She cursed her inability to understand her feelings. It wasn't always that hard. She'd usually bone who she wanted and turn it into a relationship if she felt like it. That didn't mean she had a stone cold heart. She knew when to smudge her lines and let people in, but this… It was different. It was not about kicking out or letting people in, it was about a person who's already been there for a very long time, and she just couldn't make out what it meant. Maybe, just maybe if it was someone else, she would not struggle this much. She shook her head, "nope."
She rode back to home and curled up on the couch with Arlo in her lap. That calmed her down a bit, until she heard another notification pop up. She resisted the urge to look at it for a few minutes, but gave up as her vision blurred. She picked her phone up in hopes of getting more texts from her fake girlfriend, even though she wasn't going to reply, but disappointment downed on her in a split second.
"Three years ago today," it read, with a photo attached to it. She didn't have many photos in her phone, so it aroused her curiosity almost immediately. She clicked on the selfie that she'd never noticed before and a smiling redhead appeared on her screen. Gina's pale pink lips were sprawled sincerely; her head was tilted towards Rosa's way, who was frowning as studying the file in her hands. The civilian administrator was, apparently, sitting on top of the desk, dangling her legs. If Rosa really forced herself to look from another perspective, she could say that they were sitting unnecessarily close.
"They were the seeds!" She remembered her coworkers convincingly saying, and it made her sick.
She dipped her fingers in the golden furr of the dog, and asked him. "Could it be possibly normal to think about a friend, like all the time?"
He dodged his head up and looked at her with his shiny black eyes, muscles around them twitching. Rosa's fingers kept caressing his neck.
"I am confused. I really am." She sighed deeply and Arlo put his paw on her belly. "I know this is probably not something most friends would say, and mean but, I can't get her out of my head."
"But I guess, I don't want to be like most friends. I really like her. I like listening to her talk. I like how the moment she shows up at work, I can't look at anything else. I like the way her auburn hair shines, the way her boldness and cute face shouldn't go together and yet seem so natural on her. And to be honest, I like how awful sometimes she is."
Arlo howled and she locked eyes with him. "I think I've kind of always known we would be much more than… Friends."
"Before we start our briefing, I'd like to share my thoughts on Lorde's latest album 'Melodrama'," Captain Holt said drily as he wore his corrective glasses and flipped his notepad.
"Oh, yes! Which song was your favorite, sir?" Jake stirred in his seat. "Mine was 'Liability'. It kind of reminded me of my relationship with my dad... And also you, my other da--ptain." He bit his lips. "Please continue."
Captain gripped the sides of the lectern and sent him a glare. "I actually don't mind hearing what you think about it," he gestured to Gina, "you can interfere as you wish, as long as you don't interrupt me."
"Well, sorry, man. It's not really something I'd listen to." It was an obvious lie. She did listen to it and cried just a bit about a certain person. "I'm still hung up on Rihanna and Beyonce's releases from last year, 'ANTI' and 'Lemonade', sexiest albums of the decade." This, though, wasn't a lie at all. Having sex to "Kiss It Better" and "6 Inch" were kind of her biggest dreams at the moment.
"Okay, I guess that is valid. It was a decent alb--"
High heels stamping in quick steps caught his attention and he stopped talking. Gina blinked up from her phone to see raven curls hopping in the air whilst the woman stumped, swaying her lips. When her eyes set on her, after two long restless days, she found herself breathless.
Rosa's piercing gaze was fixed on the chair behind the redhead forwhy she refused to meet her curious and wistful blue eyes. Gina didn't know what she'd expected to change over the weekend but she didn't like depriving herself, such lifting her head and requesting the other's significant notice. It was an unrestrainable need, to be in a person like hers presence. Someone who makes you feel important simply because she's choosing to look at you.
Pair of boots plumping down on the table right behind her ear made her flinch and she hoped no one discerned it. She bit her cheeks and her thumb shook as she couldn't decide which application to open to seem distracted.
"Why didn't you sit next to Gina? We now know that you're in a relationship, there's nothing to be ashamed of." Charles asked interestedly.
"Diaz," Holt ignored him and also saved Rosa from answering the uncomfortable question. "You're late. I hope you will explain yourself later."
"Yes, sir," she said.
Holt's ridiculous words muffled in the back of Gina's mind, she couldn't bother to listen to him, anyone else mind you. Her whole body tensed. She could feel the brunette burning holes on her back with each of her blinks, so she gathered all her confidence not to turn around. It was stupid. Gina really wanted to think that all of this was because she was touch starved. 'Cause she'd just had a kid and it'd been very long since the last time she'd been intimate with anyone. But that was not the truth. There was no point in lying to herself, was there?
Rosa's chest thrived in her chest and she tried to zone out, blankly staring at the table. Not even more than a minute after sitting down, her stomach dropped as if the acid in it was boiling, and she regretted putting her feet up. She lowered them with a huff and crossed her arms, pushing her back to her seat as much as possible to avoid smelling a tad bit of the redhead in front of her.
"Dismissed," Holt announced with his deep voice a few minutes later. It brought Gina back to the world, but she didn't move her body as everyone rushed out of the room. She sat and scrolled aimlessly on her phone until she heard those recognizable beats on the floor fade away.
She carried her own feet to her desk without moving her eyes from her phone. She plumped down on her chair and laid back. In the moment she was about to grab a gum, she noticed a neatly placed cardboard bag on her table. Her eyes involuntarily flashed up to that one specific desk. It was empty. She desperately tried to convince herself that she didn't care about it, and grabbed the bag with her fingertips instead. There were her clothes in it. Clean and smoothly ironed, they smelled of lavender.
Truth to be told, going to the woman's bedroom and changing her clothes back seemed even more humiliating than getting kicked out of her apartment. She didn't ask for them, had given up on them the moment she stepped outside. Here they were now, spick and span. It made her scoff. How could someone be so reckless to pull someone into a kiss and ask them to leave after getting what they want, but also be thoughtful enough to wash and carefully return their belongings? Though, it was incredibly rude of her to leave them on her desk silently, as to escape from interacting with her. It hurt Gina, even though she was too proud to admit it.
She rubbed her chin nervously and tossed the bag under the table. Her mind ciphered wildly as she hesitated whether she too should give back the brunette's clothes or not. The door behind her opening interrupted her inner voice and Rosa walked right by past her, still not looking at her. This irritated Gina even further.
There was no shame in that anymore. Gina Linetti was in love with Rosa Diaz. She had been for years, and made so many mistakes because of it. She had to draw a line at some point, but aside from the pain she felt deep in her chest, all she could think of was the soft enormous lips of the said woman.
Rosa sat on the chair after making up an excuse to Holt about why she was late. She switched on her monitor and pulled out a file to work on. It was maddening how much she wanted to lift her head and look at the civilian administrator, but she succeeded to get a hold of herself. Letters on the paper were moving left and right and she squinted her eyes, trying to collect her attention. She suddenly felt the heaviness of the other's gaze.
"Heyo!" Jake said as he walked up to her. She sighed in relief and uncharacteristically got interested in whatever he was going to say.
"Sup," she replied.
"Good, good. I see you're well rested." He smirked, she raised her eyebrows questioningly. "When I called you the other morning you sounded very tired. Somebody was getting it!" He pulled out his tongue and moved his body.
Rosa looked at Gina for a split second, and their eyes locked. The redhead seemed intrigued to talk, and it upset the detective. She turned her head back to Jake and avoided his previous comment. "How's the case going?"
"Noice, cool. No problem whatsoever… Cool." He scratched his jaw and his lips curled like a child's.
"Hm," she nodded for him to continue, knowing very well that he was freaking out.
"Actually…" He sat beside her desk and leaned back in the chair with a smug smile. "I cracked the case. I have a few suspects, gonna go catch 'em, then interrogate. The only problem is…" He took the badge between his fingers and began playing with it. "I need a partner, this guy's a real deal. Wish I had a tough friend who wore leather jackets and rode a motorcycle and knew how to fight…"
"Alright, I'll come with you."
"Oh? Did my rousing actually work?"
"No," she said with a stoic expression. "I just don't wanna sit around and do paperwalk all day." Her eyes switched to Gina again, then she cleared her throat inaudibly and closed the file in her hand.
"Alright. Fine by me either way! Hey, um, we can grab tea for you on our way," he suggested.
Tea. Gina didn't leave tea on her desk today, she didn't even notice that until now. "That'd be good," she said and got up to put on her jacket.
Gina watched them leave from her seat. She didn't know Rosa was such a coward, can't even look at her way properly. It was very well clear that the detective left with Jake just to ignore her furthermore. She rested her cheek on her fist tiredly and kept scrolling on twitter, not actually caring about the news, but as a way to spend time.
"Hey," Amy turned in her chair. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, what's up?" She asked without looking up.
"I don't know, you seem… Blue?" She stated softly.
"Blue?" Gina knitted her brows and sneered.
"Yeah," the brunette shrugged. Her eyebrows twitched hesitantly and she pursed. There was empathy widening in her eyes. "Is everything okay with Rosa?"
Gina dropped her phone and crossed her arms. She bit her cheeks, averting her eyes to the ceiling, and questioned with a pout. "Why'd you ask?"
"It's just that you guys didn't interact with each other today, which is weird because normally you would bring her tea or she would sit next to you in the briefing. I… I just felt like something was off."
Gina didn't know how to react, nor what to say. Was she supposed to keep acting like they were an actual couple or was it the time to reveal the truth? Even if it was, she didn't want to do it alone. It wasn't only her mess, it wasn't fair. She rolled her eyes at the woman, no one would question that mean behavior anyway, and turned to her computer.
"Oh… This is bad, I can feel it." Charles complained. "As your brother, I insist you should tell me everything. Come on, spill the beans," he stood before her desk and waved his hand.
"Oh my God, just leave me alone you two. There's nothing wrong, alright? I just don't wanna talk to you guys."
"Hm, I don't buy it," Charles nudged Amy. She shook her head, agreeing.
Gina bit her lip and got up to walk towards Babylon, the only place where she could have a peace of mind, and stop staring at the empty desk in her sight. If she were a detective, she could leave anytime she wanted and shoot her gun wherever she wanted and drive around aimlessly without anyone asking a single question. Workplace discrimination…
"Alright," Jake closed the door of the break room behind him and turned to the squad. Rosa took the rest of the day off an hour later when they came back from the crime scene. She didn't seem sick when they were out in the field, and she surely wouldn't admit her illness even on the deathbed. Gina wasn't in the bullpen, but he pushed everyone into the room so as not to be heard anyway.
"We gotta do something about this, right?" He asked worriedly.
"I don't know, man." Terry shrugged. "I think it's better if we don't get involved in their relationship. They're adults, they'll handle it."
"Wow, what a garbage take, Sarge! They might break up, I can't let that happen!" Jake whined.
"That is none of your concern." Terry stated.
"Of course it is!" Charles joined Jake.
"Thank you, Boyle. See? That's what you'd say if you cared about your friends," he scoffed.
"I don't want them to break up either," Amy started as her fingers curled around her mug. "However, I think Terry's right. We shouldn't interfere, especially considering the fact that they're Rosa and Gina."
"Seriously?!" Jake made a grimace. If his wife wasn't on his side, he would have to question the whole station from the start. "Ugh, but... What am I supposed to do then? Just sit down and watch my best friends leave each other's lives and scar our work environment forever?"
The door opened and it made him jump and turn around immediately. "What's going on here?" Gina asked.
"Gina! Hi. We were just... chatting." Jake rumbled.
"Hitchcock just texted me saying you were, quote and unquote, talking about the break up of our great nation's best couple."
Jake sent Hitchcock and Scully a glare. He should've made this speech in the conference room, not in the break room where these two old men were burying themselves in their burritos.
"Hitchcock texted you?" Terry frowned.
"Yeah, we have a text chain to discuss our Game of Thrones theories and celebrity drama." Scully said between his bites.
"Who's the couple?" Gina asked.
"Buh, uh-huh!" Jake tried to cover it up. "You know, the amazing duo, Angelina Jolie and Brad... Pitt."
"What, that's a tragedy for you? Are you a misogynist?"
"No!" He knitted his brows, then exhaled deeply and held onto his badge. "Okay, look. You and Rosa have been acting a little weird and we... Well it turns out just me and Charles wanted to figure out what it was."
Gina's eyes darted around the room. She looked at the genuinely worried faces of her friends. She couldn't do this when she still had unresolved issues with that one detective. She should have been there and dealt with this tension in the air, too. Without thinking any further she stumbled out of the room and made her way to the terrace. Her lungs were craving nothing but cold breeze. Jake ran behind her.
"Gina," softly said as he approached the woman with careful steps. "I'm sorry..."
"It's not something I can explain, dude." Gina shrugged and turned her head to hide her watered eyes from him. "Not now, at least."
"That's totally fine. I--" He didn't know what else to say. He wasn't really at fault, but he felt guilt deep in his stomach.
"Just stop being such detectives and don't try to 'detect' me." Gina said as harshly as she could, but it really wasn't that much.
"Yeah, right. I get it. I'll tell everyone to leave you alone."
She put her elbows on the edge and rested her cheek in her cold palm. "Thanks."
"Of course." He sniffed and hesitated for a moment before bringing his hand down on his friend's shoulder. "But, you know, if you need anyone to talk to over pizza and orange soda, I'm here. Actually, the same deal is applicable to coffee, too."
His mellow voice and heartwarming words made Gina chuckle. She simply nodded as a response.
Jake decided to leave her alone before turning once again. "Hey, also um, do you want me to bring your jacket? It's really cold out here."
"Nah." Gina turned to face him and seeing the wetness around her eyes wrenched Jake's heart. His eyebrows curled up. "You're a good kid," Gina smiled sincerely. "Come here," she opened her arms and the detective wrapped his tightly over hers. He rubbed her back and smiled, showing his dimples before going back to his work.
Charles brought a hot cup of… Something to her when she sat back on her chair.
"Ew, is it milk?"
"No," Charles said with a faint smile on his face. "This is a Turkish drink called 'salep'. It's very soothing, and I even relished cinnamon on top." He took a deep breath and placed his hands on his pelvis nervously. "I respect that you don't want to talk about it, but Rosa called in sick and there's a possibility that she spread germs on you. Also, this might help you calm down. It's really delicious, just give it a try." He turned around and walked away without expecting any response, he was actually very surprised that she let him talk this long.
Gina sipped the drink with a bias, but it really didn't taste bad. Yet, saying it was soothing would be an overstatement. She sent one last look in the empty desk's direction before opening her messages, cursing herself in the meantime.
ToRosie🖤: r u really sick?
She knew she was lying. She knew she was pressing all the buttons at the same time to run from Gina. It stirred her nerves up, putting her out of her temper. She had to do something, and she waited for the end of her shift. Time never flew this slow, and her patience was floating away by the minute. She texted her mother, who was looking after Iggy that day, and leaned back on her seat.
Rosa rode back home with a gray cloud on her head. She got frustrated because it was the same shit repeating itself. Life would bring a nuisance in her way, and she'd put all her strength in making the right decisions. But they'd never feel right, they'd never be enough of a resort. She'd panic attack, and cry in her work car in a random parking lot, pulling her hair and hurting her ribs from sobbing so hard. Then she'd get better, and as she would, all of it would embarrass her. They were rarely about relationships; funny, this was a person that she wasn't even in a relationship with. She wondered how she let it all get that far.
It wasn't only that she felt weak, but something different, something worse snapped today. The look in Gina's eyes, the hard need of an explanation in them, just simply hurt her. She didn't know how long she could play this cat and mouse kind of thing, she didn't know how long Gina would put up with it before getting out of her life completely, but she had enough for the day.
She looked at her fridge and didn't feel like cooking. She was about to pick up her phone, which was in mute, to order takeout when there was a knock on her door. This time really on her front door.
She opened it without glancing at the viewer and a heated redhead appeared in front of her.
"Hi, Rosa," she said coldly.
Rosa gulped down as her grip on the door handle tightened. "Gina," she managed to say.
"Oh, you acknowledge my existence now?" She stepped inside without an invite and rolled up her sleeves, as if she was going to get into a physical fight. Rosa closed the door behind them.
"Why are you ignoring me?!" Gina snapped. Her voice shook, she was forcing herself too hard not to break down.
"I'm not…" Rosa sighed.
"Yes, you are!" She raised her voice. "You know you are."
"I'm sorry."
"You should be!"
"I will explain everything, just not right now."
"What the fuck does that even supposed to mean? You owe me an explanation. For the kiss, for acting like I don't matter… I feel used, you get that?"
"Gina," Rosa started softly. "I didn't use you. I didn't mean to, at least. I… I am thankful for everything you did that night. But there were so many people that I had to lie to and I was tired and they just… Got into my head, I guess?"
"So? Kissing me fixed all your exhaustion?" Gina asked mockingly, she held up her hands.
"No! I didn't kiss you because I was tired. I don't know how to put it." She exhaled loudly and looked down.
"You're unbelievable," she scoffed, attempting to leave.
"I wanted it to be real, okay?!"
Gina stopped in her tracks, she turned around in confusion.
"I wanted all of it to be real. I wanted you to really be my girlfriend. I wanted to kiss you and not regret it 'cause you're my 'friend'. And I… It took me a while but I realized that I never managed to make a relationship work because..." Rosa closed her eyes, seemingly having a debate with her inner self. She took a deep breath and her voice came out rather shaky. "Because I was looking for you in everyone I met." She wanted to get it all out of her chest, be vulnerable and brave enough to admit the truth. Lord knows it'd be the first time. "I love you, Gina. I think I always have."
Gina looked perplexed, she wasn't expecting the quarrel to take such a turn. She came here out of rage, but her eyebrows lifted in desperate reassurance. "You have?"
"Yeah," Rosa shrugged, her voice was small.
"Rosa," Gina breathed out with a light heart. "I kissed you back."
"I... I know but that doesn't mean--"
"I dare you to finish that sentence." Gina took a step towards her. "There's no 'but', I kissed you back. I would've done the same a million times more."
Rosa's eyes perked up warmly, she covered her face with her hands. This wasn't how she expected things to go. Gina's bosom twisted in the sight, she took another step and placed her hands on the brunette's wrists gently.
Rosa sniffed and slowly lowered her fingers. "You're saying..." She hated how she still wasn't confident about it. She tried to be, but some sense of doom pulled her back.
"I'm saying you're a fool. I've been crazy about you for years, and frankly, you're the only one who couldn't see it."
Rosa chuckled in embarrassment. She felt stupid, and was in awe that Gina didn't tease her about being the worst detective to ever exist.
All of it seemed like a dream, a hallucination. She hadn't gotten enough sleep, nor consumed enough food in the past few days to make her brain actually work, but still. That was too good to be true. She wiped her eyes and looked down at the woman in front of her.
"Why didn't you ever tell me that?" She asked in a hoarse voice.
"Because you were always in a relationship. Dunno, seemed weird. I mean, you were never really left alone."
"Are you slut shaming me?" She asked jokingly.
"No," Gina laughed, tears in her eyes. "Wow, this is messier than I thought."
Rosa couldn't get enough of looking at her dreamy face, in a way the daytime couldn't get enough of sunlight. "Can I kiss you?" She asked. She did kiss her before, but she didn't do it right. This time though, she was determined to take the lips between hers, and linger on them until her mind turned into a fog.
"If you're not gonna run away afterwards, yes," she replied only half in jest.
Rosa raised her hands to the redhead's sharp jaw, and took her time before leaning in, making sure it was all indeed happening. She softly pressed her lips as her whole body started to tremble. Her fingers held her tighter and she kissed her again, with more lust this time. More confident, a word Rosa'd been fixated on.
Gina kissed her back, like she said she would. Her hands on the other's wrists moved to her shoulders, then her hair.
"Wait, " Rosa pulled back and whispered. "Aren't you mad at me?"
"Oh, I am." Gina replied eagerly without lifting her gaze from her lips, "but I can scold you later."
Rosa smiled before kissing her again, and again. She then moved her lips to her cheek, to her jaw, and to her neck. Gina held onto her curls as her lips did wonders and her tongue soothed the bitterness.
They stumbled to the couch, and their legs tangled. Not only their lips this time, their bodies also collided together and their clothes shuffled down to the floor in the meantime.
It was time Gina knew she could trust Rosa. The promising look in her dark eyes, and the way her lips wrapped around the nips of her body with so much lust gave her all the reassurance she was expecting, desiring to receive.
She looked at the woman cupping and sucking her breasts, and a misery wounded her feelings; she could never scold her, she didn't have the heart to. She swallowed harshly before grabbing Rosa's chin, forcing her to look up. She lifted her own torso and met in the middle, crashed their lips again.
Rosa was aware of her incapability to avoid the voices of her insecurities; but looking down at the half naked figure under her body, taking in the scent of hers that drove her crazy... She couldn't recall what the hell made her resist this beauty all this time. She wanted to make promises that she couldn't even think of. She wanted to scream her name atop of every roof in the city, to let everyone know she was the luckiest person alive who was mighty enough to get this woman's attention. Her eyes watered as her mind reminded her the years they spent apart, the days Gina spent in coma, the days she buried her love deep in her chest, away even from herself. How would life without her be?
"Gina," she smiled weakly into the kiss, and moved back enough to meet her ice-blue eyes. "I'm in love with you."
"Duh," she chuckled. Her thumbs on Rosa's cheeks caressed her skin smoothly. Their previous words were enough of a declaration of love, but she could guess how hard it must've been for Rosa to say this sentence out loud. "I'm in love with you, too." She said, tucking the dark curls that fell on her temples to behind her ears.
They ended up curling and leaving marks on each other's bodies for a while they couldn't comprehend. Sometimes words weren't much needed.
"It's so cool that you guys share a bathroom together." Jake said while chewing his pizza. "I mean, Ames and I have been together since forever and she's never even bought flowers for me let alone gifting me a freaking bathroom." He scoffed, deeply jealous.
"Dude, she's great." Gina shook her head amusedly, and took a big sip from her orange soda. "I really love her."
"Aww, I'm so happy for you guys." He wiped his mouth with a napkin, then held it up and said, "Amy made me get used to it. It's crazy how much sauce smears on your face." He laughed, Gina soured her face in disbelief. She always found that couple's dynamic a bit disappointing, but at least he was actually learning things from her.
"Anyways, let's go," he got up.
"Where to?"
"Work, very obviously. Our lunch break is over."
"Exactly. That means we have like forty five minutes more to go back."
Jake didn't know how to argue with her logic, but then it downed on him. He clicked his tongue and smiled. "You know, Rosa's probably back from the field, so…"
"Yeah, let's go."
"Yup."