“why are you still with me?” helmut questioned, deciding at the time to interrupt the shared silence. you glanced up from your book, dipping a finger to mark your spot, and chuckled, “what kind of question is that, helmut?”
he fidgeted with the gold necklace he always wore around his neck: a keepsake from his past that he no longer spoke of. when his eyes met yours, you were taken aback by the solemnity in his gaze; the question was one that seemed to hold weight on his mind, and your answer would either keep him afloat or drag him under.
“hel, where’s this coming from?” you swivel your body to face him, hands reaching up to grasp his face, the pads of your thumbs smoothing over the slight stubble sprinkled over his jaw.
“you know the man I used to be,” he started, hesitancy in his tone, “the things I’ve done that I thought were right… justified,” he rambled, distress marking his features.
“while I may be a free man, there are still people from my past out there in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to strike me where it pains me the most… you.” his thin lips quiver at the thought, “and I don’t think I could ever forgive myself if anything happened to you.”
“so, you think – for that very reason – I should leave you?” you ask, disbelief written all over your face.
“love, I don’t want this life for you. to be constantly relocating, putting your life at risk, wondering when you’ll finally have some semblance of normalcy.” he pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation, “look, all I’m saying is–”
you cut him off with a finger to his lips, “the man you were 10 years ago is not the same man you are now. why can’t you see that? I chose to be with you, I knew what came along with the decision.”
the bedsheets rustled underneath you as his arms sought your waist; head carefully tucked in your collarbone, warm breaths fanning over your neck. you mindlessly skim your hand through his chestnut locks, massaging his scalp with the tips of your fingers, reveling in his pleased hum.
“don’t say anything else, just stay,” he whispered; vulnerability evident in the way his arms tightened their hold on your body – afraid that you would slip away, like you always did in his nightmares.
“I’m not going anywhere, hel. I don’t care what happens, I can handle this. all I want is for you to trust me, okay?”
you feel him nod against you – words abandoning him in favor of a physical agreement.
for the rest of the night, murmurs of reassurances and promises filled the short space between the two of you.
helmut – for once in his life – slept with no worries; the light press of your chest to his back a visible metaphor of your loyalty.