Loki wakes up to an empty bed.
“Mobius?”
Sun is coming in from behind the blinds so it must be morning.
“Mobius?” A bit louder now.
“One moment!”
Loki relaxes. Leans back into the pillows. They already smell of Mobius. Faintly. Familiar. Safe.
Mobius pushes the door open with his foot. A tray in his hands. An apron tied around his front. Sleeves rolled up. Already dressed for the day.
“I made us something to start the day with.”
He puts the tray down on the sheets in front of Loki. Sits down.
Loki inspects a batch of flat cakes. It gives off a lovely warm scent.
“Go on. Try one. You can put honey on it. Or fruit. Or jam. Whatever you like”, encourages Mobius.
Loki pushes a finger in one of the cakes. Hot. Spongy. He’s intrigued by the new food. Observes the way Mobius cuts a piece off of his own cake.
“You can eat it with your fingers if you want. Just roll it up. It’s a pancake.”
And because Loki is hungry he doesn’t hesitate. Takes a big bite. His eyes widen in surprise. Then fall shut in bliss. He chews. Swallows. Takes another bite. Stuffs the rest of his pancake in his mouth.
Mobius watches in amazement.
That’s a success, he thinks. Proudly. He can still do it. The cooking and baking. And he can’t wait to introduce all the new food and dishes to Loki. Asgard must’ve been a bland place. Food wise.
“Can I have another one?”, asks Loki. A happy sparkle in his eyes.
“Go on. Here, try some of the strawberry marmalade on it. Just a dollop. That’s it.”
Mobius is pleased seeing Loki eat with such enthusiasm. The TVA didn’t offer a very nutritious menu. And Loki looks rather paler and skinnier than when he arrived at the organisation. Mobius needs to make sure to nurture him back to better health.
Soon the plates are empty. Their stomachs filled.
Loki’s face is speckled with marmalade, honey and crumbs. He slurps orange juice through a straw. A habit he’s developed because of all the drink cartons at the TVA. Mobius enjoys a big cup of coffee. Real beans. Not that dish water he’s known for the past how many? years at the office.
“You look like you need a bath.”
And with that Loki’s face becomes tense. Gone is the sweetness of pancakes from his mouth. They lie heavy in his stomach now.
“Do I have to?”, he whispers. Without looking at Mobius. He doesn’t want to disappoint him. But every time he went to the bathroom he tried to not look at the shower head. Looming like a monster above everything.
He’s naked. And cold. So cold. As a frost giant he shouldn’t feel the cold. But it’s inside him. A grasp on his heart and lungs. Flickering neon lights. Cracked tiles. A metal door. Locked shut.
“Please! Let me out! Please! I’ll be good, I promise!”
He wants to bang his hands on the door. Then his head. But he can’t move. Shackles around his wrists, his feet. Bound to the walls that seem to come closer and closer. They’ll crush him!
“Please”, he tries again. Voice cracking.
Nobody comes. But he knows they listen. They watch. Every time.
And then he hears the roar. The pipes.
Warm liquid trickles down between his legs.
And the monsters open their mouths. Left. Right. Above. The water hits him like living ice. His body is on fire. And he screams and screams and…
“It’s okay, it’s okay. Breathe, Loki. Just breathe. That’s good. In. Out. In. Out. That’s it, you’re doing well. Just keep breathing.”
“Don’t let them hurt me anymore, please!” Loki’s voice is barely there. Filled with gasps for air. His heart beating too fast, too heavy. The shower room vanishes from his sight. The bedroom gets sharper. But the fear is still there. The panic. The helplessness.
Loki’s body convulses. He heaves. Then throws up all over his t-shirt. Sadness fills him. His soft shirt. His first pancakes. Mobius’s lovely breakfast for them. He’s ruined it. He just gives up, gives in, cries. Breathing becomes harder again.
A touch. A hand on his forehead. On his cheek. Lifts his chin.
“Shhh, Loki. Look at me.”
Loki opens his eyes. Everything swims in tears.
“It’s alright. Don’t worry. Just keep breathing.”
Mobius’s voice is calm. Concerned. No anger. No disappointment. They breathe together. Mobius’s hand on Loki’s shoulder. Their faces so close.
“That’s it”, praises Mobius. “I got you. Nobody can hurt you, okay?”
Loki nods.
“Now, can you get up? Can we go to the bathroom together? We need to get you cleaned up a bit, change your shirt.”
Loki nods again. He can do this. His legs are unsteady. But Mobius holds him.
“I’m so sorry”, he whispers.
“Shhh, no need to apologise. Those things happen. I shouldn’t have let you have five pancakes at once, should I?” Mobius tries a smile. But Loki is still a bit dazed. A bit caught up in whatever caused his distress.
Mobius rubs his back. Helps him sit down on the edge of the bathtub.
“Can you lift your arms?” He pulls the soiled shirt over Loki’s head. Tosses it into the laundry basket. Loki shivers. Wraps his arms around his skinny body.
Mobius pours some bubble bath in the tub. Turns the hot water on. The first drops hitting the enamel. And Loki lets himself fall forwards. Hits the tiles. Curls up. Makes himself as small as possible. Shaking so hard Mobius fears he has a fit.
“Loki?” Mobius is next to him on the floor. Hugging the trembling boy. Holding him. Caressing him. “What’s going on? Can you tell me?”
Sobs are the only answer. Mobius pulls Loki onto his lap. Rocks him softly.
“Okay, poor thing. Let it all out. You tell me whenever you’re ready, okay?” Strokes tears from Loki’s wet face.
This is serious, Mobius realises. It hurts him to see Loki so upset. Vulnerable and powerless.
And he doesn’t know what has triggered this. Was it something he’s done? Has he done something wrong? Said the wrong thing?
“The water”, Loki mumbles finally. So quiet Mobius nearly misses it.
“The water?”
Loki looks up with red eyes. “I’ll show you.” He can’t talk about it. So he puts his hands around Mobius’s head. Let’s him see what he cannot put into words. Doesn’t share his feelings though. Only images.
Mobius is instantly repelled. Feels nearly sick himself. Tries to pull away but lets himself observe that horrible scene in his head. He owes that to Loki. And so much more.
“I am so sorry, Loki. I didn’t know… If I’d known…”, he starts when Loki has pulled his hands away. Anger builds inside him. Anger over those responsible. And himself. If he’d only been more observant! More involved. More protective. He scolds himself. Can’t quite grasp just how much damage the TVA has done to Loki.
“Thank you for letting me know.”
There are still tears glistening in Loki’s eyes.
“I shouldn’t have mentioned the…bath. And the water. That was insensitive of me. If I’d known…”
“But you didn’t.”
“And I am truly sorry for that. I feel so guilty that…”
“Don’t!”, Loki interrupts. He grabs for Mobius’s hand. “You brought me here. You saved me. It’s not your fault. It’s over. But it’s still there. In my head.”
That’s why he came to my bed last night, Mobius realises. And he expects a lot more of these situations to happen in the future.
“You poor thing”, he says with a sympathy coming from the depths of his heart. Squeezes Loki’s hand.
But there’s still the problem of getting Loki cleaned up. He can’t avoid to shower for the rest of his life. Although he might’ve tried at the TVA after the horrible incident. That would explain the state of his hair, getting greasier and greasier.
Mobius needs to tread lightly here.
“Look. I don’t want you to shower if you don’t want to. But maybe you can try the bath? And I’m here with you. All the time. We start slowly, okay? You only put your feet in and we see how it goes.”
Loki has to think about it for a while. But then nods. Uncertain.
They get up. Loki still holding on to Mobius’s hand. The tub is half way filled now. Foam shimmering on the surface. Mobius turns the water off. He feels Loki’s hesitancy beside him.
“Take all to the time you need”, he encourages.
“Can I keep my shorts on?”
“Of course.” Mobius thinks of the humiliation the TVA has put Loki through. His anger rises again. He pushes it aside. Needs to focus on the situation at hand. Needs to make sure he is in the moment to help Loki the best he can. Promises himself to never let him down again.
Loki lifts one leg. Wobbles. Dips one toe in the water. Sucks in a sharp breath.
Mobius holds him steady.
Loki steps into the bath tub. His hand is shaking.
“Why don’t you sit down on the edge a bit?”, Mobius suggests.
So they sit together. Loki’s feet in the water. Mobius’s on the tiles. They don’t speak. Mobius listens intently to Loki’s breathing. Making sure to prevent another panic attack.
After a while Loki lets go of Mobius’s hand. Slides down. His lower body vanishes beneath the foam.
Mobius experiences a mixture of relief and pride.
“That’s really great. Well done.”
Loki smiles up at him.
“How does it feel?”
“The bubbles tickle.”
Mobius laughs.
He scoops up some of the foam and spreads it around Loki’s shoulders and head. Loki giggles. A sound so sweet Mobius’s heart sighs relieved.
“Look at you. Such a prince!”
“A king!”, Loki corrects. Lets his hand fall into the water so it splashes everywhere. Soaking Mobius.
“A king. Of course. May I wash your majesty’s hair?”
Loki nods his consent. He tenses a bit. His spine standing out stark beneath his pale skin.
Mobius gets a washcloth, shampoo and a pitcher. He won’t use the shower head on Loki.
“Not in the eyes, please”, says Loki.
“I’ll be careful”, Mobius promises. And Loki relaxes under his touch. Enjoys the way he massages the shampoo into his hair. Closes his eyes.
For a second Loki feels as if he’s back on Asgard. As if he’s still a child. Frigga entangling his hair before washing the dust of a long summer afternoon of games with Thor out of it.
Mobius is as tender as his mother. Loki tilts his head back. And Mobius washes the apple scented shampoo out. Making sure not a drop reaches eyes or ears.
He wrings the water out. Wraps a towel around his head. Then he takes the cloth and cleanses Loki’s back, his arms, his chest. Wipes away the last remains of dried tears.
“You wanna pull the plug?”
They watch the water vanish down the drain in a whirl. Mobius holds out a big towel.
“Take your shorts off in the tub, I’ll put them in the washing machine later.”
He notices Loki’s hesitation. Puts the towel around his shoulders. Loki hides himself from being observed. Steps out of his wet shorts awkwardly.
Mobius helps him out of the tub. “You can be proud of yourself. You’ve done well.”
Loki smiles.
It’s after midnight when Loki climbs into Mobius’s bed. Mobius moves to make room, lifts the sheets so Loki can crawl in.
“Another bad dream?”
Loki doesn’t answer. Lays down. His head on Mobius’s chest. Takes a deep breath. He’s safe now. Mobius hugs him tight. Doesn’t mind a bit having him so close. It makes Mobius feel more relaxed too. He can protect Loki better now. From bad dreams. From all the harm in the world. He won’t allow anything and anyone to hurt his Loki anymore.