A COLORFULLY-WORDED REPORT
THE WORLD TALKS ABOUT THE AVENGERS A LOT. Tabloids publish photos of them going out to lunch, podcasts discuss conspiracy theories about the ‘mysterious’ seventh Avenger’s identity. It’s impossible to go to the store without seeing one of their faces blasted across at least two magazine covers.
None of them seem to mention that they’re all idiots.
The mission started out fine; damn near good, even. Olivia’s suit (mandatory, of course) fit her well. She didn’t even look silly. And peering through the eyeholes of a mask, she finally felt focused. The world, her teammates, her problems— everything just melted away. Except the mission.
Obviously though, the group of grown adult men she works with cannot seem to be left unsupervised for more than 30 seconds at a time. She specifies ‘men’, of course, because Natasha is not a part of the problem.
Everyone else, though?
Tony Stark, paragon of safety, blasted through a concrete wall and rained rubble down on Steve’s head. Had he been anything less than Captain America, he likely would have been hospitalized. The great and incredible Iron Man then proceeded to crash into the floor.
Clint, to his credit, worked very well. With Natasha. The issue was that he only worked with Natasha. Upon seeing a hail of rubble fall upon Steve’s head, he immediately shot at the source of the problem. Reasonably, he assumed it was an enemy. Instead, he shot down the great and incredible Iron Man, causing him to crash into the floor.
Steve, having just had a bunch of rubble dropped on him, pushed forward valiantly. Then, as he was fighting his way through the base, he pushed a poor, unsuspecting HYDRA agent off the second-floor balcony. Natasha had to pull back to avoid having an adult human dropped onto her head.
As a consequence, the scientist she was about to subdue managed to scurry away like a frightened rat.
Olivia herself was damn near toppled by the building shaking while she was gunning her way through a roomful of HYDRA agents. One of them could have blown her head off if she hadn’t thought fast and brought the ceiling lights down on their head.
She wondered why the building was shaking, at the time. She almost wishes now that she hadn’t found out.
The great and almighty Thor called down a bolt of lightning. In the middle of the lab. Where all the sensitive machinery was. It blew up the whole room, blasting the Hulk onto his ass. That pissed him off— well, more, anyway—, so he obviously had a fistfight with Thor right there in the rubble.
They were still brawling when the mission ended and everyone came to pick them up.
Now, with everyone a little worse for wear and annoyed at one another, the Avengers have been assembled again— for a training session. The first of many, if Maria Hill has any say (and she does).
“What the fuck was that?” said woman asks, standing before the assembled Avengers. She looks between them, her eyes daring them to make excuses. “No, really— somebody tell me what just happened. I think my eyes must be malfunctioning, because what I thought I saw was the seven of you bumbling around like awkward teenagers.”
“Well, if he—,” Tony starts, gesturing to Steve. He cuts in almost immediately.
“Are you blaming this on me? You dropped a wall on me—,” he starts, the two of them talking over each other.
“Shut up!” Maria shouts, slicing straight through their argument. They fall silent in the face of her rage. “Are you kidding me? I don’t care who started it! You were all walking disasters out there today— and yes, I mean all of you.”
There’s a brief pause, almost daring them to argue. No one does.
“Look,” she sighs, rubbing her forehead, “I don’t care who leads, and I don’t care how you train. Just get your shit together. This team can’t function until you figure out how to act like one.”
She looks between them. Something in their expressions seems to satisfy her, because she starts backing away to leave.
“Figure it out. We’ve got new intel coming in next month. You need to make progress by then,” she warns, finally turning away towards the building.
Once she’s far enough away, Tony claps his hands.
“Alright. Well, how about we start with some basic—,” he starts. Natasha cuts him off.
“Nope,” she refuses, shutting him down instantly. “Not happening. You’ve never worked in a team before in your life.”
“Perhaps I should take over,” Thor suggests, sounding characteristically smug about it. “I believe I have the most experience.”
“With blowing things up, maybe,” Olivia mutters. He turns his head to look at her with offense.
“That,” he points out, “was an accident. It easily could’ve happened to anyone.”
“Yeah,” Clint sighs, “no it couldn’t— look, does anyone here even have any experience with training other people?”
The team falls silent.
“Well— Olivia does,” Bruce pipes in, glancing around awkwardly. She looks at him like he’s insane.
“Yeah, training Enforcer candidates in MEDUSA,” she reminds him. “Not really sure that’s applicable.”
“Well, it’s the best we’ve got,” Natasha counters. “Any complaints?”
“Yeah, I don’t really think I want to take orders from Connie Corleone over here,” Tony volunteers, crossing his arms.
“Are you any more qualified?” Bruce challenges. Tony falls silent.
“Alright,” Clint mutters, sighing. “Getting re-trained by a 28-year-old. Sure. Why not?”
Olivia sighs deeply.
“Fine,” she relents. “Okay. Whatever. Steve, come on. I guess we’ve gotta go plan training sessions.”
“Me?” he wonders, pointing at himself and looking utterly confused. “Why me?”
“I don’t work in teams a lot. You were in the military. I literally can’t imagine that I’m gonna find anyone else here with better team experience,” she states. “Therefore— get your ass in gear.”
Olivia turns to address the rest of the team.
“You appointed me, now you deal with the consequences,” she warns. “Back here, next Thursday, 10am. If you’re late I’m gonna ruin your day.” She waves for Steve to follow her, then starts walking towards the compound without waiting.
He blinks, then kicks into gear, following after her.
Bruce is just glad that this is the Hulk’s problem, and not his.