Confessions of a..

I don't really remember much about my early childhood, everything's always been a blur like you're in the middle of a haze, you can't really see well. All I can truly remember is the screaming, the shouting, doors being slammed, the crying. The angry voices ( of Brian ), the soft hushed voices ( of Mom ), the tiny hiccuped cries ( mine ). I barely remember any happy memories, but if there really was, the bad far outweigh the good ones. I don't really know what to feel about that.

Indifferent? No, not that.

Angry? Possibly, most likely, yeah.

Sad? Maybe, I miss Mom.

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Mom didn't have to die, she didn't have to die because of me, of us, of you. I hated you for it. I hated myself for it. There are days that the guilt crushes me like I have rocks tied to my feet as I drown somewhere deep, I can't escape, I don't really think I want to. 

God, you're a monster, you killed your wife, you killed the ( supposed ) love of your life, tried to kill your only child as well. Then again, you never really loved me, huh? I think that you've always hated me, right from the start right? You're a monster because only monsters kill their own because there's no way that someone like me is anything but a monster, monster breeds monster right?

I'm not really cut out to be a hero, never really was.

You know, a part of me didn't regret killing you the first time. It felt really good to give you the same pain as what Mom and I felt then, you deserve to rot in hell asshole.

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I shouldn't have done it, I really shouldn't have. Fuck! I'm not like him! I'm not him! Betty.. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. You deserve better than me.

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I'm forever grateful for Aunt Elaine and her family, I didn't really say it out loud, but she saved me in more ways than one. Jennifer, Jenny, was my bright light in my chaotic world. She was one of my reasons to be better. I want to be someone she'd be proud of, to look up to, but now I'm not sure it's possible. 

I ruined many lives, I can't really do this anymore. I'm so sorry for being a bad big brother, for what's it worth, I've always been proud of you Jenny. I love you so much Betty, I wished things were different, you deserve better than me. I guess I'll see Mom again, sorry Aunt Elaine. I won't be there for Thanksgiving.

Bang!

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Auntie said that Daddy will go somewhere really far, Mommy is going away too. I asked her where Mommy's going and when she'd come back, but Auntie just hugged me really, really tight and cried. Unca Morrie's also crying, why are they crying?

Where's Mommy?

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For the very first time, probably for a very long time, the Other Guy and I talked, seriously talked. We talked about many things: Betty, Jenny, Ultron, Tony, Natasha, the Avengers, Sakaar, everything. Every hurt we caused to others, every pain we felt ourselves, the past, Mom's death, Brian's murder ( Even if it was only for a moment, I really wanted to kill him. I can admit that now. )

I regret not being there for Tony as a friend, I wish that I have done things differently, I don't think that our friendship will ever be the same after Ultron, after sleeping ( to avoid, deflect ) when Tony was opening up to us. I highly doubt that we'd be friends again, colleagues maybe, but I vow to do better once everything's over, once we defeated Thanos and his army.

Betty, we will always love her, and that will never change. It's nice to see her again, it's great that she loves us both still. But we both know that we can't go back, not at this time. There are still so many things I ( and Hulk ) have to do. She understands and is willing to wait for me, for the both of us.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny... Seeing her again was a shock to me. Seeing her all grown up and her own woman now is bittersweet, the little girl who used to follow me around and my sister in anything but name, I don't see that to her anymore. I regret not being there for her more. We managed to talk, I asked for her forgiveness over and over, saying sorry over and over, begging on my knees. I cried, I never cried that hard since Mom passed away, not even when Betty and I first broke up. I think she cried too, I felt my shirt getting wet. We both cried in each other's arms.

I feel a little indifferent to Natasha now, I'm not really surprised when I thought about it with hindsight in mind, her actions in Sokovia aren't really surprising. I know one day that we will part ways, maybe in a good way, or maybe in an awful way. I did care at that moment, cared more than what I'm willing to admit, maybe what we had would've bloomed had it not for being part of Avengers and each other's buried distrust to one another. What she did in India, to this day, still sticks in my mind.

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Thanos is gone, everyone that was lost in the Snap is back, but there were a lot of losses. 

I can't really make amends to Tony now, can't I? I don't even have the guts to show myself in front of Pepper, in front of Morgan. I feel like I had failed him, and I don't deserve the kindness he still showed me despite me leaving him to fend for himself. I left a good (best) friend of mine, I have no one but me to blame. 

Nat's gone, we may not love each other that way anymore but her sacrifice, her death still hurt, I can't believe she's gone. 

Betty was there to console me, and I was there for her when her father was finally put on trial for the crimes he had committed. 

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. I'm glad she survived like me, but I'm still not confident enough to face her, after all these years. I hope one day, I will.