Chapter 5
Sometimes, when Yelena can’t sleep, she’ll go back to her room and stand in front of the mirror that takes up the door of her closet, and she’ll dance. She’ll run through ballet routines that have been ingrained into her memory.
This time she wants a bigger space. So leaving Natasha with the lie she was going to get something to drink, Yelena heads down to the gym. It’s big and empty and Yelena stands in the middle of the mat wearing nothing but her pajamas.
And she dances.
She space lets her make leaps and twirls that she couldn’t in her own bedroom. She falls into the practiced ease of her routine.
She stumbles and trips when she finds two eyes watching her.
Winter Soldier is there watching her quietly and Yelena suddenly realizes that she’s on a gym mat, perfect for sparring.
She messed up. She made a mistake.
“You dance beautifully,” His voice is deep and gravelly.
Yelena glances away, her fingers moving to tug on the bottom of her shirt. “Do you want to fight?”
Winter Soldier steps onto the mat. “We probably shouldn’t.”
Yelena looks up at him. “You don’t remember me.” She comments, watching his body language. The way his shoulders hunch tells her that he feels guilty.
“I don’t,” He agrees quietly.
“Then fight me. If I win then I’ll tell you who I am,” Yelena wants to fight. To prove that she’s gotten better. To show him that she’s not a weak child anymore.
To make him proud of her.
He’s looking at her for a few moments before he inclines his head. He steps further onto the mat and Yelena sinks into position.
The fight doesn’t last long. It was obvious Winter Soldier wasn’t trying to fight back, just defend himself from her. It makes her win feel cheap and pathetic.
“You didn’t even try,” Yelena scoffs as she rolls off of him from where she had taken him down.
“You won,” He comments back. “Will you tell me?”
“What do you want to know?” Yelena huffs, moving to sit on the mat when he doesn’t get up from where he was sprawled on the ground.
“Who are you?” He asked quietly.
“Yelena Belova,” She replies before realizing that he never knew her name. He only ever called her ‘Widow’ or ‘Soldier’.
“How old are you?” He’s staring up at the ceiling.
“Sixteen,” She answers, glancing at him. “My turn. Do you really not remember me?”
“I… maybe?” He turns his head to look at her. “Did I really do that to you?” His hand reaches up and Yelena flinches as his fingers brush against the scar on her head.
“That and more,” She inclines her head gently, leaning away from his touch. He drops his hand. “I--” The words get caught in her throat as she watches him. His face is contorted into regret and pain, shame pooling in his eyes as his chest takes stilted breaths.
“You what?” He questioned, moving his head to stare up at the ceiling once again.
“Did I ever make you proud?” Yelena hates that her voice gets soft and tiny. Winter Soldier turns to look at her in surprise. “I tried so hard to make you proud of me. You were the only one that ever gave me any approval. You were important to me.”
“I hurt you, though,” He protests, shifting to face her.
“Do you remember if I ever made you proud?” Yelena pressed, finally looking him in the eyes.
“I don’t know,” Winter Soldier admits and Yelena lets out a long sigh. “I’m sorry that I can’t give you the answers that you want.”
“Wait here,” Yelena tells him, standing and went back to Natasha’s room to grab her vest and sneaks back out to the gym.
He’s still there, sitting on the floor. Yelena didn’t expect him to listen. She pulls one of the pockets of her vest open and pulls out the photo strip of her and Natasha as children.
She holds it out to him. “That’s me.” She said when he reaches out to take it. She watches his eyes grow wide as he drinks in the sight of the photograph in his hand.
“That’s you…” He breathes out, his thumb coming up to brush over the face of tiny Yelena as she grins widely at the camera. “You… you were so small. They pushed you in front of me. You… looked at me with fear.”
“I was eight,” Yelena comments, reaching out for the photo. Winter Soldier’s grip tightens and for a split second Yelena was worried she’d have to fight him to get it back. But then he passes the photo back to her.
Yelena tucks the photo away and watches him. “Do you remember me?”
“Just meeting you. You were so small,” He repeats, reaching his hand up. “Like… this tall. You were supposed to learn to take men down. I thought that there was no way a tiny thing like you could take men down.”
Yelena reaches out before she can contain herself and grips his metal hand. He freezes at her touch.
“Do you remember when we went on a mission together?” Yelena asked before letting go of his hand. “You were pretending to be my older brother. I was to befriend the daughter of the mark and get invited over to their house. You were supposed to kill the father and I was supposed to kill the daughter?”
She can see Winter Soldier wrack his brain before slowly shaking his head.
“I couldn’t bring myself to kill her. I was going to fail the mission. You did it for me. You pressed your metal finger to your lips and swore to keep it a secret,” Yelena glances away. “I got to eat that night because you lied for me.”
He’s staring at her, confusion and horror laced together and painted on his face. He’s not even trying to hide his emotions.
“Steve said you were mind-controlled,” Yelena pulls the conversation in a different direction.
“He talked about me?” He questioned, something soft in his voice.
“He tried to. Natasha wouldn’t let him and changed the subject,” Yelena shrugs as she glances away. “I… was mind-controlled too. I have problems remembering things too.”
“Were you ever cryogenically frozen?” Winter Soldier’s words were quiet but his eyes stared at her with an intensity that Yelena hadn’t seen in years.
“Yes,” Yelena dips her head in a nod as she admits something that not even Natasha knew. “Once.”
“For how long?” He questioned, leaning forward like he was afraid she would say she’s supposed to be twenty-one.
“A month,” Yelena glances away from his stare, her skin crawling. “I had a forced hysterectomy. It went so wrong. I bled out. I died on the table. They froze me to keep me alive. They couldn’t allow the greatest child assassin alive to bleed out and die just yet.”
A hand rests onto her knee and Yelena jerks away from the touch, her fingers grabbing the knife from her vest in one swift movement.
Winter Soldier looks guilty. “Sorry…” He comments, his hands tucked back at his sides. “For everything.”
Yelena remembers the conversation she had with Natasha just after they took down the Red Room. When she didn’t quite know who she was or what she was going to do. The conversation about forgiveness. “I can’t give you the forgiveness you’re looking for,” Yelena replies and watches as his shoulders slump. “I don’t forgive you. I killed so many people for you to save myself from beatings that I didn’t deserve.”
She watches him swallow hard as he looks down at his lap. “I understand.” He said. “You didn’t deserve that. You were a child. You… still are a child.”
The doors to the gym burst open and both Yelena and Winter Soldier jump. Natasha is standing there, takes one look at the knife Yelena has clutched in her fingers before she’s moving toward Winter Soldier.
Yelena jumps to her feet, wrapping her arms around her sister before she does anything stupid.
“What did you do?” Natasha demands of Winter Soldier, her arms wrapping around Yelena protectively.
“We just talked,” Yelena replies, dropping the knife in favor of curling her fingers into Natasha’s pajama top. “He didn’t do anything to me this time.”
She sees out of the corner of her eye as he jerks at her words, tilting his head down shamefully.
Natasha is quiet as if trying to see if Yelena is trying to cover for him. She then mumbles something in a language that Yelena doesn’t recognize. Winter Soldier replies back in the same language, his tone morose and soft.
“Come back to bed,” Natasha finally speaks in English, looking down at Yelena.
“Okay,” Yelena nods, resting her head on her sister’s shoulder as fatigue suddenly hits her. She didn’t know how long she was gone for just talking to Winter Soldier or how long Natasha waited for her to return before worrying and looking for her.
Yelena leaves the gym, Winter Soldier still sitting on the ground. She glances behind her before the gym doors shut, watching as he leans down to pick up the knife she had dropped and left behind. Their eyes meet once more before the door swings shut and Yelena lets Natasha lead her back to bed.
“Are you okay?” Natasha asks as soon as Yelena drapes her vest over the chair pushed into the desk.
“I’m… okay,” Yelena turns to look at her sister. “We didn’t do anything else than talk. I promise.”
Natasha pulls the sheets on the bed back and Yelena reclaims her spot closest to the wall, curling up into a ball like she always slept. Natasha lays next to her, pulling the blanket up and tucking it around her gently.
“You can tell me if you’re not okay,” Natasha reminds her, her hand coming up to smooth Yelena’s hair back once they’re done fussing with the blanket.
“You can too,” Came Yelena’s reply, looking up at her sister. “I didn’t mean to worry you.” Because even if Natasha won’t admit it, Yelena knew that Natasha had panicked and nearly tore apart the tower to look for her.
“It shouldn’t take you nearly an hour for a glass of water,” Natasha chides, and Yelena ducks her head down, choosing to nuzzle her nose into the blanket rather than meet her sister’s eyes. “Where did you go? Why did you lie?”
Shame and guilt pool into Yelena’s stomach. “Sorry…” She whispers quietly.
“I’m not mad,” Natasha quickly tells her and Yelena shuffles closer to burrow into her sister’s hold. “I’m not upset with you, little sister.”
“I know that you don’t like it but sometimes I need handcuffs to sleep,” Yelena said quietly. “And when I can’t, I leave to go and dance.”
Natasha was quiet for a moment, a soft sigh escaping her lips. “I thought you were getting past that point.”
Shame turns into a rock in her gut. “I’m sorry.” The apology keeps leaving her lips because she doesn’t know what else to say.
“You don’t need to be sorry, sweetheart,” Natasha’s voice is soft as she leans forward to press a gentle kiss to Yelena’s forehead. “I’m not angry or upset.”
“Seeing Winter Soldier keeps making me think that I’m back there. That I’m gonna get in trouble,” Yelena confesses quietly, focusing her eyes on Natasha’s shirt that has a faded logo for some restaurant she’d never heard of, instead of seeing the emotions flicker across Natasha’s face.
Natasha is quiet but her hand gently strokes Yelena’s hair, a quiet reassurance that she’s not mad.
“I’m sorry,” Yelena doesn’t know why she keeps repeating the apology.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Natasha quickly assures her, her voice firm, and she grips Yelena’s chin to pull her head up to look at her. “Do you understand me?”
Yelena is surprised at the serious look on Natasha’s face.
“Do you understand me?” Natasha repeats when Yelena is quiet for too long. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“Okay,” Yelena whispers and Natasha pulls her back into her arms.
Yelena doesn’t fall back asleep but finds comfort in her big sister’s arms.