Chapter 16
The next day, it was Christmas Eve, and apparently, that was a big deal in the Barton’s household. You’d been able to sleep in today, but that didn’t prevent you, Wanda and Natalia going out into the snowy fields in the early afternoon to go tobogganing and playing a part in – admittedly rather brutal – snowball fights.
You quickly learnt that the Avenger’s snowball fights weren’t like the crappy, half-assed ones you’d participated in during your time on the streets. Natasha took it very seriously, ensuring that you got an area on the high ground with a protected view of the field. The fence was the boundary. It kind of reminded you of a training exercise you’d do at the Red Room, except there the rubber bullets hurt like hell and the losing team wouldn’t be allowed food for two days. But hey, the tactics were the same.
When everyone was too exhausted to continue, both teams retired, leaving no clear winner.
“To be continued, Barton.”
“Looking forward to it Romanoff.”
You smirked at the interaction between Clint and Nat as you meandered back to the house. The group paused when they saw a black car rolling down the driveway towards the house, and Clint altered his path slightly to meet the newcomers.
The hairs on the back of your neck rose instinctively at the sight of the tinted windows that obscured your view from being able to see the interior. You sidled closer to Nat, slipping your arms around her waist and finding the gun that she always carried in her waistband. She looked down at you questioningly. You didn’t meet her gaze, your eyes fixed on the car.
The doors opened and you tensed as two people got out, a man and a woman. Natasha smiled broadly at them, moving forwards quickly enough for the gun to be out of your reach before you could draw it.
“Maria, Fury, it’s so good to see you two.”
“Hey Nat,” the woman – Maria – replied.
“Agent Romanoff,” the man greeted.
You watched the two of them warily as they approached, digging your nails into your palms to give you something to focus on. They both had weapons, you noticed immediately. S.H.I.E.L.D standard issue, you guessed. Fury, you knew, was the Director of the organisation. In reality, you knew there was no reason to distrust them, but on the other hand, the Red Room had raised you to believe the opposite. Wanda crept up beside you and slipped her hand into yours, uncurling your fingers gently. You let out a breath.
“You must be Y/N,” Maria said with a small smile as she looked over to you.
“I am,” you replied coldly.
“Maria Hill,” she introduced, holding out a hand.
You looked down at it before looking back at her, not moving to take the offered hand. She pressed her lips together, but moved her hand back to her side. Nat watched the interaction anxiously.
“Maria doesn’t bite, Y/N,” the ex-assassin said, feeling the need to cut the tension between you somehow.
Your gaze flickered to her briefly before you turned to trudge back to the house. There were beginning to be too many unknowns around this place.
The group had started a fire in the living room and were now in said room doing a variety of things. Steve was playing Monopoly with the Barton kids, Bucky and Nat were playing a very competitive game of cards with a less-competitive Clint, Laura was upstairs with Nate, Bruce and Tony were on the floor in front of the fire, and Carol and Fury – who looked rather close considering the man’s emotionless outer demeanour – chatted over beer. You sat with a hot chocolate courtesy of Wanda in your hands, since the witch was in the kitchen helping with dinner since Laura was busy.
You brought your knees closer to your chest as you sipped the warm drink, content to observe the goings-on without participating.
“I hear you have powers.” You stiffened and shifted away from Maria as she sat on the sofa beside you.
“I do,” you nodded, tone monotone and expression indifferent.
“You know, ever since you showed up, Nat has been taking less than a quarter of the hours she used to take.”
You shrugged, “It’s not like me talking to her would make any difference. Have you met the woman?”
“Talking to her may not but joining the Avengers’ initiative might.”
You looked up quickly, “Nat and Wanda would never let me do that.”
“I thought you were independent,” she challenged.
“I am,” you growled, “but fighting to be allowed outside on my own is completely different to flying into fights to battle aliens and armies of robots.”
She shrugged, “I thought I had you pegged as a fighter. Maybe I was wrong.”
With that she stood, walking over to Fury and Carol, leaving you with a lot to think about.
“Why don’t you take me with you when you two have a mission?”
Your voice cut through the dark silence later that night as you lay in bed between Wanda and Nat.
The sheets rustled.
“I mean,” Nat started, “You’ve never really shown interest in our missions before.”“You can come along if you like,” Wanda added, “I mean, you have powers and you can take care of yourself.”
You were mildly surprised to hear her offer it so easily. “Really?”
“I mean,” she chuckled, “If you wanted to come, regardless of what we said, you’d probably end up coming. May as well get on the same page now.”
“What do you think Nat?”
“I think…” she started slowly and with a hesitance that made you think for a moment that she’d disagree, “I think that firstly it would be wrong of me to say no on the basis of training because you’ve done the same training I have, and secondly, that I need to have a talk to Maria about her pep talks.”
You laughed a little, “So next time I can tag along?”
“We’ll have to talk about safety precautions, but yeah, I don’t see why that would be an issue.”
During both your time at the Red Room and on the streets, you’d gotten into the habit of keeping fear silent. Outright fear – whether it be in the form of screaming, crying, running, fighting, or whatever it may be for an individual – only ever brought unnecessary and more importantly, unwanted, attention. You’d learnt other strategies to deal with fear – digging your nails into your palms to keep you grounded, repeating words or phrases to keep your mind on something else, tapping your fingers on surfaces in a particular pattern to keep your brain busy, etcetera. Nightmares were a different story. For the most part, they weren’t too bad. You’d long-since been desensitised to seeing lifeless eyes staring at you from the mangled bodies of past victims, long-since gotten used to the feeling of crushing terror you felt when your past was re-enacted by memories.
But tonight… tonight you had a nightmare that had, for the first time in a long time, truly terrorised you.
You couldn’t remember the details, only fuzzy outlines, but you remember Natasha and Wanda leaving you. You remember banging on the Tower door trying to get them to answer you, only to get no response. You remember screaming and crying for them to save you as faceless bodies stretched out grabby hands to claw you into a void of darkness. You remember them watching coldly, as if they wanted that to happen to you.
You shot up in bed with a shocked whine, body immediately twisting around to check your surroundings. You brushed your hands along your wrists quickly, trying to forget the feeling of jagged nails digging into the skin there.
Normally, this is where you’d get up, splash your face with cold water as you let it out, out of the sight of others. But this time you weren’t alone; not in the way you were still used to being alone.
Natasha and Wanda stirred at your rapid movements moving the bed, sitting up groggily before stiffening as your fear-scent hit them like a bus.
Nat was the first to speak, waking up quickly being second nature to her whilst Wanda took a moment to take in what was happening. “Hey, hey,” Nat said softly, trying to get your attention without startling you. Despite her gentle tone, you still flinched at the sound of a voice, an apology immediately slipping past your lips. “No need to apologise. Hey, Y/N, can you look at me love?” Your gaze snapped to hers, only able to see her because of the dim early-morning light that shone through the windows. Your eyes were still wide and frightened as you tried to recover from your nightmare. “That’s good, you’re okay. Do you know where you are?”
Your chest ached from hyperventilation, and not being able to answer the question didn’t help. You couldn’t think of the words to respond, so instead pressed your lips together as you looked away, trembling.
“Hey, that’s okay,” Wanda said gently. “We’re in our room, okay? At the Bartons’ farm. You’re safe. We’re here.”
You bit back a sob at her words, pulling her close to you as you leant back into Natasha to sandwich yourself between them. They were here. They are here. You felt arms wrap around you, though at this point, you couldn’t even tell whose they were. You didn’t really care, all you wanted was to be close to them.
“I’m sorry for waking you,” you whispered.
“It’s okay,” Wanda hushed. “You’re okay.”
They held you for another few minutes before Natasha said, “I’m pretty sure Clint and Laura are setting up the kids’ presents. Should we go give them a hand?”
You nodded, grateful that Natasha knew you weren’t going to be able to sleep anytime soon.
“It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas!”
You looked up with a chuckle as the two eldest Barton kids raced into the room, eyes bright and practically vibrating with unvented excitement. It was still early, not even yet past six-thirty, but you were unsurprised that they were awake. You, Nat, Wanda, Thor (who’d been sleeping on the couch), Clint and Laura had only just sat down after putting the gifts from ‘Santa’ under the Christmas tree, with the supervision of Nate.
Their eyes lit up even more if possible, at the sight of the extra presents. “Santa was here!” Cooper yelled, ecstatic.
“Когда самое подходящее время, чтобы сказать им, что Санта не существует?” you asked quietly in Russian, knowing the kids wouldn’t be able to understand that you’d just asked when the right time to tell them Santa didn’t exist was.
“Hey! That’s Russian! That’s not fair,” Lila pouted, causing you and Nat to chuckle. “What are you talking about?”
The kids ran over to you and you grinned, pulling Lila into your lap as Nat did the same with with Cooper. you squeezed her tightly, making the kid laugh and squirm. “Oh I’m just wondering whether Ded Moroz could get presents all the way out here,” you jabbed playfully.
“Who?”
“That’s what we call Santa in Russia,” you explained. “And you know, because he can’t possibly carry all those presents himself, we think his Grandaughter, Snegurochka, helps him.”
“That’s silly!” Cooper said, “His elves help him. Not his granddaughter!”
You laughed, “Maybe you’re right, but that’s what we think back home.”
You faltered after the words passed your lips. You’d never called Russia ‘home’ before. You shrugged it off, the smile returning to your face.
You pushed Lila off your lap. "Go open presents! The both of you! They aren't there to look pretty."
Natasha slipped an arm around your hips, pulling you close. “You’ve never celebrated Christmas in Russia,” she murmured.
“Maybe not, but they know I’m Russian and it’s easier to pretend I did celebrate than explain all the Red Room BS.”
She hummed in response before the pair of you turned your attention back to the Barton’s as Clint and Laura handed presents out.
"You're good with kids," Wanda said softly, slipping her hand into yours. "Both of you."
You laughed, "Nah."
"No really," she insisted, "It's cute to watch."
The witch pressed a kiss to your forehead, and you snuggled into her a little. The excitement was palpable in the air as more people meandered down. Steve and his pack were next down, followed by Fury and Maria, who’d camped out with Carol in the kids’ room.
“I’m gonna go make a hot chocolate,” you announced after a fair bit of present-opening and general laughter. “Anyone want any?”
There was a selection of murmurs of agreement, and you left to go the kitchen.
“Need any help?” You turned away from the stove as you heard Maria’s voice.
“Can you grab the milk?”
“So,” the agent started as she opened the fridge, “I suppose you talked to Nat and Wanda about fieldwork?”
“Uh, yeah. I mean, it’s something to do now that things are calmer. It’d be good, I think.”
Maria grinned. “Fury owes me a twenty.”
“Really?” you raised a brow, but couldn’t contain your amusement. The agent was becoming less annoying by the moment. “You bet on whether I’d go in the field?”
“It was more of whether Nat would let you, but yeah.”
You rolled your eyes. “Wow. You two barely know me.”
“But we know Nat. Besides, she talks about you so much we may as well be family.”
While Christmas had never been an overly special day to you, this year it felt different. This Christmas was… it was warm, and it was… hard to explain. It reminded you of the people you’d gained in the past few months. This- this family. This life. It reminded you that you’d come so far since where you’d been before.
The rest of Christmas had somehow strengthened the idea that you were now a part of this family – the way the others had so seamlessly included you into their rituals, their traditions, it made you feel like you were finally a part of something that you chose to be a part of. Not because you were born and trained here, not because you didn’t have the option to do anything else, but because you genuinely wanted to be here.
You'd never really thought of yourself as a 'kid person', but Cooper and Lila were slowly changing your thoughts about that, though you weren't sure you'd eve be able to put up with Nate's crying what seemed like all the time.
You’d left the Barton’s house weeks ago, and you had to admit, you’d missed the quiet simplicity of it all at first. ‘At first’ being the key phrase. Because then you’d begun training. You moved between Carol and Maria for said training, since Nat would almost definitely be too close to you to train you effectively. It was the sort of thing that needed tough love, though it’s not like you really needed to learn anything new save for protocols, since you’d learnt most of it in the Red Room.
The physical stuff came back easily enough, when you began to trust your instincts more and allow your body to move without your mind interfering. You beat Nat’s record in disassembling and reassembling a sniper rifle, which you were very proud of. Your fighting abilities – though a bit rusty at first – now superseded Maria’s, and you’d had to begin sparring with Natasha to get a proper workout. According to Maria, your ‘people skills’ could do a bit of work, but that was really the only area in which you were lacking.
You’d been out on a few missions by now. Mostly with Maria’s team to avoid complications of going with Natasha. Every now and again you’d get a scrape here or a bump there and she’d worry like no tomorrow. Wanda was a little more relaxed about it, though every time you returned, she did do a cursory glance over your body. She usually noticed a slight limp or wince before Natasha did.
Natasha had gone back to working more regular hours at S.H.I.E.L.D since you’d started working there, which clearly made Maria a lot less stressed. You supposed they were used to sharing the strain of what they did – they both had a team, were meant to be the ones to approve majority of missions, organised gear checks, etc – but since Nat stopped working, Maria had taken on both Natasha’s team and her responsibilities, not trusting anyone else to not fuck it up.
You were eating lunch in the break room when Maria interrupted. “We’ve got something on those traffickers we’ve been tracking down. Get your gear. It’s raid time.” Her eyes shone with a rare form of smothered excitement. Clearly the woman loved raids. It would be your first with the team. You’d never actually done a raid before; the Red Room was more… duplicitous in their approach.
You abandoned your meal in an instant, on your feet and ready to go. Maria smirked a little at your eagerness, leading you out of the room.