Chapter 10
You’d forgotten to take your suppressant dose yesterday, and today you were definitely feeling the effects. You made it halfway to your bathroom before remembering that they’d been taken from you yesterday and were probably down the drain by now. You groaned to yourself. The previous night, you’d been restless in your bed – constantly twisting and turning, too hot, then too cold – and you knew that you’d start your heat soon. It didn’t usually come on this quickly, but you supposed being on suppressants had fucked up your cycle. When your heats hit, they hit quick and they hit hard. You could already tell you were running a fever, and your body ached. You wanted to nest too. Damnit. As well as that, as if it wasn’t enough, your mind was begging for an alpha to be near you, to hold you. You wanted to feel safe. Last time you’d run out of suppressants, you’d gone to Bullet’s and locked yourself in his room for five days until it had ended. That had worked fine then, if highly painfully. But it was better than an alpha raping you whilst you were vulnerable like that.
You made your way over to your dresser, struggling to pull it in front of the door. You got there eventually, and then you went to the cupboard and grabbed all the blankets you could ever wish to have and began to make a nest. You’d rarely done this on your own before – you’d rarely ever needed to do this before –, but you found it came rather naturally. You hissed out a breath through your teeth, doubling over as a wave of pain hit you. Damn cramps. You had to admit, in this moment, you were feeling a little more than pissed at the others for taking your suppressants.
This heat wasn’t like a normal heat. You’d never really had a ‘normal’ heat. You knew this one was a dry heat – brought on by a mixture of being off the suppressants so suddenly and what was probably a considerable amount of stress – and you knew that in theory it was unhealthy. It was the only type of heat you’d ever had though. You’d never had a sexual heat, thanks to the suppressants. And you’ve certainly never had a warm heat, which only occur when an omega’s in a safe situation. You didn’t have the best experience with heats, and you could already tell that this time would be no different.
You curled up in the nest on your side, hugging a pillow to your chest. It smelt faintly of the same washing detergent that Nat and Wanda used, and you whined at the scent. God, you’d never wanted an alpha around as much as you did now. You let yourself get lost in your own imagination: Natasha’s hand running along your jaw; Wanda’s fingers combing through your hair. You closed your eyes, willing the outside world to disappear.
You were startled back to reality at the sound of a sharp knock on your door. “Y/N? It’s Bucky. I wanted to apologise for yesterday morning. I got angry, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. Are you coming down for breakfast?”
You winced as another wave of agony threatened to drown you. You couldn’t respond.
“Y/N?” he knocked again, and you heard wood scrape against wood as he realised the door was blocked. “God damnit Y/N! What the hell have you done?”
Tears field your eyes at his tone. You knew your emotions were a lot more all over the place than if you hadn’t been in heat, but still… it hurt all the same.
Wood scraped harshly as Bucky used his metal arm to force the door open, and immediately your senses were overwhelmed by his alpha scent. You knew your scent hit him hard too, judging by the way his body stiffened and his nostrils flared. Dry heats wouldn’t send an alpha into rut, but you knew that any kind of heat was intense for them, and dry heats were specifically made for when an omega felt unsafe for whatever reason and needed an alpha to protect them. Hence, it would attract alphas’ attention. But you didn’t want his attention. You wanted – no, needed – to be alone for this. Because in this state, you knew you wouldn’t be able to defend yourself if he got pushy.
“Get out!” you screamed desperately. Bucky’s gaze locked onto yours, realisation dawning. He took a step towards you, but you yelled at him. “No! Get out, get out, get out!” Your voice was venom, and it made Bucky stop in his tracks. Tears spilt down your cheeks. “Get out,” you muttered. “Get out.” Your body ached for his touch, for him to comfort you and make this pain go away.
“Y/N, you’re in heat. I can help-“
“No,” you said quickly, urgently, fearfully. “No, please don’t.” Your body shook and more tears stained your cheeks. “Please don’t touch me. Please. Just get out. Please, I’m begging you.”
“Okay, okay,” Bucky said softly. “Do you need anything?”
You curled into a tighter ball as the pain in your body increased tenfold, and you hid your face in your pillow in an attempt to muffle your whine. You couldn’t quite explain how, but you felt Bucky get closer. You jerked your head up scrambling away and desperately shaking your head. No, no, no.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re in pain. I want to help.”
“Help by getting out,” you sobbed. “Please.”
The alpha retreated hesitantly. “Let J.A.R.V.I.S know if you need anything. Tony or Bruce can bring it in if you want.”
Then he was gone, and you were alone. And you cried.
“Y/N?” Tony called into the dark void of your room just under an hour later. Your in-heat scent was thick in the air, urging him to quickly enter and close the door behind him before he got the rest of the pack all riled up. He hadn’t lied to them per say, he’d just told Bucky to keep it on the DL, and the alpha had reluctantly agreed. There’d been no point in making the whole pack worry about you all day. They’d figure it out soon enough. “Hey, are you okay?” No response. He stepped a little further forward tentatively, knowing that some omegas became protective of their nests whilst in heat. Even if you were in his pack, he knew he was still little more than a stranger to you. “I’ve uh- I’ve got some of the Nat’s and Wanda’s things if that’ll help.”
“Please,” you said quietly.
“Can I come over?” you nodded, and he could just make out the movement in the dark. “Here.” Immediately, scents washed over you as he handed you a selection of hoodies. You nestled into them, breathing deeply. “Do you want Nat and Wanda?”
Yes, you wanted to say, I want them. But you couldn’t push the words past your lips. Heat was a whole different ballgame from dropping. Dropping, you could handle on your own, but you couldn’t handle this without an alpha. You wanted to trust them enough to ask for them, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do so.
“If you want, Carol can come in here,” Tony saw you stiffen, and immediately hurried to explain, “She’s an alpha, but because she’s off world so often, she has alpha-suppressants, so she won’t be affected by your scent. Not as much anyway. She’s on them consistently, so they work better than if we were to give Natasha or Wanda a dose. It won’t be the same, but she’ll basically react to your heat like a beta would, but she’d be able to help you more than Bruce could.” Suddenly Carol’s strange scent made more sense.
You weighed up your options. You were in agony, and you weren’t sure whether you’d be able to handle another five days of this. On the other hand, you barely knew Carol. On the other, other hand, if Nat and Wanda trusted Carol enough to be with their omega in heat, surely you could trust her too. Another wave of pain rolled through you, and that had you quickly nodding your head.
You could tell Carol had entered the room, and at once you were glad for the suppressants making her scent muted. As it was, the smell made your head spin slightly, almost as if the scent alone was pushing you towards a drop, but not quite. You closed your eyes, trying to rid yourself of nausea.
“Hey Y/N,” Carol called softly. You looked up to see the alpha hovering at the door. She looked at Tony, “Why does she smell like that?”
Tony shrugged, “Dry heat?”
Carol shot you a sympathetic glance. “Can I come over, Y/N?”
Part of you was still confused as to why she was asking for your permission. That’s not what alphas did. Alphas didn’t ask, they just did. Regardless, you nodded quickly, a whimper slipping past your lips. Carol was by your side a moment later, kneeling down outside the ‘walls’ of your nest. You shift over purposefully in clear invitation for her to enter, and she does so slowly, watching each of your movements carefully. You pick up on her scent, and whilst it’s still strong like an alpha’s, you couldn’t smell her being affected by your own scent in the air, as most alphas would be.
She didn’t touch you, instead asking, “What do you need from me?”
You whined again, unable to voice the words. You didn’t quite know why talking was suddenly so hard for you. Maybe you were a little embarrassed; after all, Carol may as well have been a stranger. Maybe it was because of the pain you were in – pain that was still rippling through your body like a wildfire. You were mildly aware that your entire body was trembling, though you felt hot. You couldn’t think like this, much less hope to voice those thoughts. You hated – hated – the heat-dazed trance you were in.
Carol seemed to realise this and changed her wording. “Do you want me to hold you?”
Her asking instead of you having to ask to be held somehow felt better. Like you weren’t quite as weak, like you weren’t giving in. Her offering instead of you begging made you feel a little more in control of the whole situation. You shuffled closer to the blonde alpha, letting your forehead fall against her shoulder. You let out a shuddering breath as the mere touch dulled the agony of your dry heat. Chasing this release of pressure, you leant closer to her, tucking your head into the crook of her neck and breathing in her scent. It wasn’t the same as with Wanda and Natasha. You were their soulmate after all, and soulmates were meant to feel like home. Is that what they were beginning to become? Carol’s arms wrapped around you, tentative at first, only for her hold to become firmer once she realised that you were comfortable with it. You were comfortable with it, but that didn’t stop your body from being stiff, not that Carol had been expecting anything different.
“Does that feel a little better?” Carol asked, clearly unsure. It was clear from her tone that she wasn’t expecting an answer. Had you not been in so much pain, you would have been irritated at her talking to you like a child or some injured animal, but right now, it felt good. It felt good to not feel pressured into responding. It felt good to have someone looking after you without any set expectations. But it would’ve been better with Wanda and Nat.
You were still in pain, yes – you knew that that wouldn’t end until a few days had past and your dry heat ended – but the pain was the type of pain that toed the line of being bearable. And bearable was all you needed. The Red Room had trained you to thrive on less than bearable, and you’d be damned if all of that training was going to go to waste. You felt your stiff spine begin to relax as she began lightly tracing patterns on your back, humming softly.
“Relax, Y/N,” she tutted, though you could hear her small grin. “You’re tense.”
“Sorry,” you muttered reflexively, forcing your muscles to loosen under her touch.
Carol chuckled a little, “Don’t apologise. There’s no need. Do you want something to eat? Drink?”
Your body stiffened again, and your hands tightened around her shirt. You were thirsty but saying so would mean that she’d move away from you, and that – as much as you hated to admit it – was the last thing you wanted right now.
“Hey, I’m not going anywhere,” she reassured you, realising where your thoughts had taken you. “I can get J.A.R.V.I.S to call Tony or Wanda or Nat, if you want.”
Your mind ticked over this. You wanted an alpha. One of your alphas. Carol was… well, she was nice, and her presence took the edge of the pain off, but it wasn’t enough. And she was a near stranger to you. When you inevitably got tired, you didn’t want her to leave, but you’d be wary of her staying at the same time. But what about Nat and Wanda?
“Nat and Wanda,” you said quietly, hiding your face. You didn’t know why you were embarrassed, really. You’d never liked relying on others, but this was a whole other level of dependence. You hated it, but you needed it.
“Okay, okay,” she said softly, stroking your hair. “You get that J.A.R.V.I.S?”
“They’re on their ways now.” You startled slightly at the sudden appearance of the robotic voice. You’d never get used to that.
The door opened and you caught a whiff on Natalia’s and Wanda’s scents. You looked over. The moment Wanda stepped into the room, she inhaled sharply at your scent. Natalia’s reaction was a little more subdued, her only tell being the slight stiffening of her jaw. It seemed they’d been unaware of you being in heat, and in turn they glared at Carol. You’d thought they’d known she was here. Evidently not. You could smell the slight irritation in their scents as they got nearer, but again, Carol’s didn’t change in the slightest. And you would know, being as close to her scent glands as you were.
Natalia knelt down on the side of you that Carol wasn’t, and Wanda sat in front of you, folding her legs under her body neatly. She reached out towards your hands, gently prying them from their previously white-knuckled hold on Carol’s shirt. You let her bring you hands away from Carol, holding them in her own. Her touch was electric, satiating most of your pain in an instant. Your eyelids drooped reflexively, and you found yourself leaning towards her slightly.
“You can go, Carol,” Natalia said, a note of protectiveness in her tone.
Carol glanced at you, raising an eyebrow in silent question. You nodded and slurred, “Isokay.”
Her eyes met Nat’s and Wanda’s once more and she nodded before getting up and leaving. Wanda’s hand touched your cheek gently, brushing hair away from your sweaty face. Your eyes closed against your will and you found yourself leaning into Wanda’s touch. Wanda shifted closer to you and moving her hand around to the back of your neck to scruff you. Her hands were gentle and tentative, always allowing you room and time to pull away if you felt uncomfortable. You stiffened for only a moment before relaxing into her hold. Wanda wasn’t one of those alphas who’d scruff you and then proceed to drag your body wherever she pleased. She wasn’t one of those alphas, so you allowed her to scruff you and guide your now-pliant body into a more comfortable position. You were lying in Natalia’s lap now, though your head was resting on Wanda’s leg as she stroked your hair comfortingly, talking softly. Meanwhile, Nat traced patterns on your side, shifting between pressures as she massaged your knotted muscles. Every now and then, she’d brush over a soft spot and feel you reflexively relax, and she’d grin proudly.
You’d never felt so relaxed in a heat, much less a dry heat. When you were younger, the Red Room would take you off your suppressants randomly to teach you to identify signs of a heat. Well, they said it taught you. Really, you think that they just wanted to break you. They’d throw you into a dark, cold cell, and you’d suffer through days that felt like millennia of agony. This… this was almost pleasant. It was definitely pleasant by comparison. You were warm and covered by soft things that didn’t make you feel anywhere near claustrophobic, and you felt loved. Loved. The word played on repeat in your mind. Love is for children. A part of you scolded, but that wasn’t you. That was Madam B. Madam B said love was for children. But right now, you didn’t really care. If being a child for the rest of your life meant feeling like this every day, then you could deal with that. And maybe it was possible that you loved them back. You’d lay down your life for these two without a second thought, and though you didn’t know Tony and Bruce too well, and Bucky and Steve had their… issues, you now recognised that you cared for them. Care was dangerous, you knew. People could take what you cared about and use it to hurt you, but for once that didn’t feel like an issue. They were, after all, Avengers. So, damn the consequences, you thought. Is this what love is?
You’d never felt love before. It was an alien emotion to you, but one that you could learn to embrace. You knew that it had been there before now, niggling in the back of your mind like an infestation that your subconscious had tried its best to subdue. You’d pushed it into the crevices of your mind so deep and tucked away that you’d forgotten they were there at all. As a result, you’d tried to keep your distance, you’d tried to make themdistance themselves. But that was all because you hadn’t embraced this feeling. This safety, this comfort, this sense of caring; this dangerous, dangerous feeling. You’d been afraid. You’d been a coward. Because you’d learnt that knowledge is power, and you knew nothing about this feeling, and you hated a lack of power. But now it was different. Now you had people to catch you if you fell. For the first time in your life, you could trust the people around you to be your safety net. And maybe, just maybe, you were ready to make that leap of faith.