remember
Sam sat on the dock, looking up at the murky sky that hung over him, a small radio playing music Sam wasn’t even paying attention to. The air smelt of rain and just cold, even though the breeze was a nice relief for the heat that surrounded him. Nightmares were now a nightly thing again, and he hated that they were about Bucky. He hated it. Because he didn’t know. He never knew if it was okay. Because it wasn’t. Nothing was okay right now. Sam’s trying to balance everything on his shoulders, he hasn’t had a moment to breathe, and he’s exhausted. But everyone needs him. Sarah needs him, his nephews need him, his community needs him. He just needs to breathe. He needs someone, too, but that can wait. Maybe he already had someone.
Speaking of which:
It’s been about a 2 week since Sam texted Bucky. Nothing. He knows Bucky read it, but he’s got nothing. Since then, he’s sent two more. He didn’t want to look, as Sarah so lovingly put it, needy and desperate, so he sent the generic “I just want to make sure you’re alright.” and “text me back when you can.”
He never gets a text back. And for some reason, whenever he sees his phone light up, he gets this small pang of hope that it’s Bucky, but it never is. He shouldn’t want to see Bucky, and he doesn’t, not really. He just wants to know that he’s okay. Then, they can go from there. But it’s gonna take a long time for Sam to forgive Bucky. If Bucky ever finds it to apologize. God, if Bucky would just apologize all this could be over.
~~~~~~~~~
Bucky sat in his cold, empty apartment, still shaking from his most recent nightmare. He jolted awake from his nightmare about 30 minutes ago, and he just couldn’t shake it. The only light in the room was the radio that sat on the table beside him, casting a blue light over the floor and a part of his face.
“Mr Perfect face. Mr here to stay. Mr looked me in the eye and told me you would never go away”
Bucky sucked in breath and shuts his eyes, trying so hard to keep his mind from falling down into a memory he doesn’t need right now.
“Buck, these are the songs teenagers listen to while going through a break up, I hope you know that.” Sam said snarkily when Bucky walked into their small Bucharest apartment one day holding a Taylor Swift vinyl. “The fact you think you can change my mind about her worries me, Sammy. And besides, you bought by some, remember” Bucky set the vinyl into place on the record player and moved towards Sam, who was sitting on the couch. “Dance.”
“No.”
Bucky gaped at him, and grabbed his hand anyway, pulling the shorter man up from the couch. Bucky grinned as Sam made a noise of protest, but he never let go of Bucky’s hand. “I hate you.” Sam muttered as Mr. Perfectly Fine started. “Hm, I know.” Bucky said with a cheeky grin, spinning Sam around abruptly, the song not even matching the pace they were dancing at.
Sam, despite his complaints, laughed loudly as Bucky spun him around. Bucky grinned, laughing too. As Sam met his eye, Bucky raised an eyebrow, a grin still on his face. “I thought this was the song that teenagers listen to while going through a break up?” Sam rolled his eyes, shaking his head slightly.
“You are quite the heartbreaker.”
Bucky’s eyes went wide for a second, thrown off by Sam’s comment. He promptly decided to ignore the blush that spread across his face and shook his head. “If anyone here's a heartbreaker, it’s you, doll.” Bucky said, and watched as Sam looked like his heart just paused.
“You would never go away.” Sam muttered, looking into Bucky’s eyes with a look that no one other than Sam had used.
“Every single day, until the end, I will be by your side.” Bucky sung along softly, a confirmation of sorts.
“You would never go away.” Bucky muttered softly, ignoring the tears that fell into the floor, ignoring the pang of guilt and pain that shot through his heart. Sam said he’d never go away. He really was quite the heartbreaker. Sam, and his perfect smile, his laugh that made the world stand still, the eyes that made Bucky’s heart stutter and stop. Sam, who completed him, who knew him. Sam, whose heart got broken by Bucky because Bucky couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Bucky, who-
“Mr everything revolves around you.”
Yeah, that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Until the end, I will be by your side.” Sam thought Bucky meant it, as the song played on the radio beside him. Sam hung his head low, and for a moment, he was brought back to the small apartment in Bucharest. With Bucky’s grin. Bucky’s laugh. Bucky’s voice. Bucky’s piercing blue eyes that scrunched up as he smiled. The blush that made it across Bucky’s cheeks. The way Bucky knew all the words to the song that he played. The way his hand felt in Sam’s as they danced slowly or quickly to the songs, only Bucky’s favourite because there’s some I can’t tolerate, Sam.
The same Bucky who broke his heart. The same Bucky who-
“Mr never told me why.”
Yeah, they were the same people. The Bucky that made Sam’s heart stop, also made Sam’s heart shatter, made Sam try to pick up the pieces of his broken heart. Sam cried a bit more, cried a bit harder.
“How’s your heart after breaking mine?”
Sam knew Bucky was hurting, but he really should’ve thought it through. He really should’ve thought of that before he told Sam what to do with shield. He really should’e thought it through before he shoved everything Sam owned into a bag, maybe then everything would be a little more salvageable. But no, now, everything was a little more broken.
“And some day maybe you’ll miss me but by then you’ll be-”
~~~~~~~~~~
“Mr too late.” Bucky doesn’t want to be too late. But that burning thought in his mind is telling him what if he already is?
~~~~~~~~~~
“You said you’d never go away.” Sam and Bucky muttered, unknowingly at the same time, with the same pain in their voices, with the same hurt in their heart. The only difference was the ghost of a hand that was in theirs. In Sam’s, the cool touch of a familiar vibranium arm, and that only made him break just a little bit more, yearning for that touch.
In Bucky’s, it was a warm touch that used to calm him to sleep, and now he spent all night wondering when it would finally be back in his hand, and all he wanted to do is hold onto the phantom feeling of comfort just a little bit longer.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sarah had practically shoved the grocery list into Sam’s hand, sending him off with a wave and a smirk. Sam just rolled his eyes and pushed the door open, stepping out and onto the dirt that shifts underneath his feet.
Sam has, for the most part, pushed this morning to the back of his mind. He doesn’t like to dwell on things, that’s normally why he’ll go out and run errands for Sarah. It helps him take his mind off everything for at least an hour or two.
“Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street.”
Sam knows he’s heard the song before, but he can’t exactly place it. He knows it’s Taylor Swift, and he tries so hard to keep his mind from wandering back to Bucky, from keeping all the emotions that spilled out of him this morning at bay. He tried.
“Losin’ him was blue, like I’d never known.”
“Missing him was dark grey, all alone.” Bucky muttered against Sam shoulder one night, when Sam had awoken with a shout and a gasp, getting Bucky’s attention. A few times, when Sam wouldn’t stop shaking, when the tears rolling down his face wouldn’t stop, he would collapse onto Bucky. The taller man would wrap his arms around Sam’s torso, and rest his head on Sam’s shoulder. Then, he would sing. The songs would vary, some from Bucky’s time, some that Sam showed him, like musicals, classics from when Sam was younger. And the odd time, Taylor Swift.
“Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody that you never met.” Bucky sang, his voice soft but with a certain edge to his words that Sam loved. Sam felt a feeling of calm and relief and just safety come over him. It felt, it felt really, really great. Especially considering the circumstances that led to the this.
“You alright?” Bucky had stopped singing now, tilting his head to see Sam’s expression. Sam nodded, his eyes meeting Bucky’s. “Keep singing.” Sam requested, his voice a bit hoarse but quiet nonetheless. Bucky gave him a lopsided smile but did what he was asked, and Sam couldn’t be more happy. Sam felt Bucky’s hand ghost over his stomach, his arms, anywhere where Sam had a lot of scars. Bucky always did this after Sam had a nightmare; a silent affirmation that Sam was still here, and that he was strong, no matter how weak he felt.
“Touching him was realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you.” Sam could hear the smile on Bucky’s face, and smiled too. It was just him and Bucky, and that was all that mattered.
Sam blinked away the tears forming in his eyes. Why the radio was so hellbent on playing Taylor Swift was beyond him. But he knew if he heard one more of her songs-
~~~~~~~~~~~
Bucky was gonna lose it. He had just gotten home from grabbing a box of pizza, and he felt… decent. He hasn’t had a ‘good’ day in… well you can make your guess, but he was feeling a bit better than usual. And then.
“Touching him was realizing all you ever wanted was in front of you.”
Bucky didn’t break down, actually, he didn’t cry. He wanted to scream, but again, he didn’t. He pulled out his phone, and clicked on Sam’s contact. “Hell no. I have everything I want right here.” his own words rung in his ears, and he knew what he needed to do.
Ok, so I’ve been thinking.
Delete, delete, delete.
I’ve thought a lot about that fight.
Delete, delete, delete.
Sam, I’m sorry I hurt you, I promise, I know what I did was wrong. I just, I’ve missed you, and I know I took you for granted. Please, if you don’t want to see me, that’s fine, just know that I’m sorry.
Bucky sighed, and stared down at his phone. This was probably a bad idea, like a really bad idea. Sam wouldn’t want to see him, this was no use. And this was the generic response. This was what you get when you know the other person isn’t really sorry. Another lie, another empty promise. Because Bucky wasn’t sure what was real anymore, he didn’t know if he was tricked by his thoughts, he didn’t know if as soon as he saw Sam, all his frustrations and his pettiness would come up as a defence.
~~~~~~~~~
“Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong.”
Sam did regret it, right now. He probably didn’t regret it this morning, he probably didn’t regret when Bucky laughed, when Bucky smiled, when Bucky sang, when they were too lost in each other to remember what they had to do. They were too caught up in their own make believe fairy tale to remember that the world was cruel, and sharp, and painful.
So were they. So was Bucky. Bucky and how he just didn’t get it. He didn’t even need to get it, he just needed to be ok with Sam’s decisions. And for some reason, he couldn’t. Maybe it was for the best.