“Look, Moby, look. Like so?”
“A bit chunky. See all that? That’s going to waste. Try to cut slices, not blocks. And put that knife down when you’re not using it!”
“Sorry. Can you show me?”
“I showed you earlier. Fine. Look here… Now I’ve cut the whole cucumber for you! You tricked me into doing the work for you, didn’t you?”
Loki grins. And Mobius is not one bit angry or annoyed. He enjoys his role as a mentor. Showing Loki how things work on earth. Teaching him how to take care of oneself when not living at court as a prince.
“You cut the bell peppers now. I have to get back to my pudding. You do want dessert after dinner, don’t you?” Mobius knows the answer. Of course. Loki has developed quite the sweet tooth. He still eats his usual grapes and nuts. A reminder of his childhood. His life on Asgard. But every time Mobius introduces some new sugary food Loki is eager to try it.
And Sunday nights are sweet and dessert nights.
Mobius keeps an eye on Loki’s diet. And the tooth brushing. Loki tends to forget sometimes. And if he could, he would only eat sweets, that’s for sure.
“‘Nilla, ‘nilla, ‘nilla pudding”, sings Loki.
“Don’t wave that knife about! Cut your veggies. No salad, no dessert, you know the rules.”
Mobius turns back towards his cooking. A small pot of pudding on the stove, a tray of herby potatoes in the oven.
‘Nilla-la, Loki sings in his head. Wriggling around to the rhythm. Chopping the peppers hack hack hack like Mobius showed him. But peppers are no cucumbers. And the knife cuts into Loki’s finger. It bleeds immediately. He sucks in his breath.
It hurts!
He needs a healing spell before the tears reach his eyes. But the magic won’t come.
Loki gets distressed. His finger bleeds and burns. His heart beats faster. He doesn’t really like to see blood.
And why is his spell not working?
A sound leaves his throat. A drop of blood falls on the cutting board. Mixes with tears.
He has to close his eyes. Holds the finger as far from his face as possible.
“Moby!”
Mobius turns around. He notices immediately that something is wrong. Then sees the bleeding finger.
He gently takes Loki’s hand. Turns the faucet on. Holds the hand under the running water.
The coldness washes the stinging pain away. Loki squints. The blood is nearly gone too.
Mobius lets go of his hand. “I get you a plaster from the bathroom.”
He’s back in the matter of a few seconds. Turns off the faucet. Wraps a tea towel around Loki’s hand. Guides him to the kitchen chair.
“Does it hurt?”
Loki shakes his head.
“I shouldn’t have given you that sharp knife.” Mobius says it more to himself than to Loki. “Can you show me your finger?”
He carefully takes Loki’s hand in his. Inspects the cut. Caresses the tender skin around it. Places a band aid over it.
“All better now.” He smiles.
Loki doesn’t smile back. Tears are still hanging heavily in his eyes.
Mobius holds Loki’s hand in his a bit longer. Feels the warmth coming back into the fingers. “Look, it’s just a little cut. That happens sometimes. It stings a bit at first but after a few days it’s all healed again”, he says. Hopes to calm Loki down with his explanation. But it has the opposite effect.
Loki sucks in a sharp breath. Eyes widen in horror and disbelief.
A few days just for a cut on the finger! An injury so marginal the tiniest bit of magic can heal in seconds! But his spell didn’t work.
Tears spill out of Loki’s eyes. “A few days”, he howls.
Mobius is taken aback. Pats Loki’s hand. “It’s okay. It’s not so bad. It won’t hurt. There there. You didn’t cut it off. It’s all fine.” He rambles. Doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know why Loki is so upset.
Loki sobs. Tries to speak. It takes him a moment to bring the words out. Too many tears tighten his throat.
“My magic doesn’t work anymore! I tried to heal my finger. But it didn’t work! And it’s not there. I can’t feel it! It’s not in me! I don’t know what’s going on!”
Mobius swallows. He’s getting slightly uncomfortable with the situation. This isn’t what he had in mind at all when he pictured the talk. He knows it has to happen rather sooner than later. Knows that it won’t be an easy subject. But he wanted to introduce the talk a bit subtler. A bit gentler.
He sighs. Here they are though. The time has come. He reaches for Loki’s other hand. Holds them both.
“Listen. I think I have some explaining to do”, he starts.
Loki shakes his head. “How would you know what happened to my magic?” He tries once again to reach for it. But can’t even feel a tingle. More tears force their way out of his eyes. His breathing becomes faster. “I’m scared, Moby! What’s happening to me?”
Loki feels his hands being squeezed. He moves to the edge of his seat. Needs to be closer to Mobius. Their knees are touching.
“You don’t need to be scared”, Mobius says. So calm that Loki wants to belief him.
“But something is wrong with me”, Loki whispers. He wants to lay his head on Mobius’s chest. Like he does when they are in bed together after a nightmare. Because losing his magic is worse than any nightmare.
“You are completely fine. There is nothing wrong with you, Loki.” For emphasis Mobius grabs Loki’s hands tighter.
“But my magic…”
For a moment Mobius stares at his lap. Stays quiet. Then looks up. Right into Loki’s eyes.
“There is something I should’ve told you the day we arrived here. Why I chose this specific timeline.”
Loki gets impatient. His fingers prickling from his rapid breathing.
“To be honest, I didn’t really know how to tell you”, Mobius continues. “I still don’t know. And I would’ve liked to chose a better moment for this.”
Loki edges even closer.
It visibly pains Mobius to say what he has to say.
“When I sat up the portal to this timeline I obviously didn’t know you. And I didn’t know I’d take somebody - you - with me. This timeline has very little use for magic. It simply doesn’t work here. It kind of dies down. You must’ve noticed how tired you were every time you even only used a small spell to turn the lights on. I noticed. I saw the exasperation on your face. And today… I am so sorry Loki. Magic cannot survive in this timeline. It does not exist here. Your magic is gone, Loki.”
There’s so much noise despite the silence.
Blood rushing in Loki’s ears. His pulse thumping. A scream that starts in his head. Spreads through his whole body. Leaves him. He doesn’t know up or down. Everything falls in on him. And he implodes and explodes at the same time. He can’t see anymore but there are colours. All mixed together. From sparkling stars to a dying universe.
Does he still have a body? A heart? A mind? Does he still exist? How can he exist without his essence, his magic? How can he still be here, thinking? Feeling? It’s the end. His end. He should’ve died. Finally. How he’s died so many times. He wasn’t supposed to ever leave the TVA alive. Happiness. Safety. Love. Life. Things that aren’t meant for him. Never were. And now never will be.
“Kill me, Mobius, kill me!” Is that his voice? His body? His words? It’s his wish. All consuming. A knowing. The only thing he has left of himself is his final death.
“Kill me! Or I’ll do it myself!”
His senses betray him. Stop floating away but reform. Put his body back into the kitchen. Where he now lies in Mobius arms. Sobbing. Weeping. Mourning. Sounds of pain so deep no knife or sword could ever reach or carve out of him.
“I’ve got you, Loki. I am so sorry. I didn’t tell you before you took that step through the portal. But I should have! I asked you to trust me. And you did. And I misused that trust.”
Loki can’t talk. But hangs on to Mobius. Hears his heartbeat. Feels him nuzzling his hair. Warmth. Safety. Love.
And Loki starts crying anew. He wants to die. But he also wants to live. With Mobius. He never felt so guilty about wanting to die. There is nothing left in him now that his magic is gone. Nothing worth living for. The only thing he ever was good at. The only feeling to relish. The only power he had. The only personality.
The only connection left to Frigga.
It doesn’t matter if he has to wash the dishes by hand. It doesn’t matter he can’t conjure another chocolate bar when he has already eaten the first one without letting Mobius know.
But not being able to recreate his mother’s little spells takes the air out of his lungs. The fireworks, the sparkling horses running in the palm of their hands, the glittering snake winding around their fingers.
A waste of talent. Unnecessary nonsense. His father’s words.
So Loki and his mum kept their little displays to themselves. Every night before bedtime. And now Loki’s greatest gift from his mother has joined her in the endlessness of her death.
The pain is so numbing he goes limp in Mobius’s arms. Feels Mobius’s strong arms holding him up. Circles are being rubbed on his back.
There are no more tears left in him. No more sounds. But they keep coming. Quietly now. Subsiding. He’s pressed to Mobius’s chest. It’s okay. He can just exist here. Let it all be. He accepts this state of being or not-being. Time doesn’t exist anymore.
Mobius’s shirt is soaked with Loki’s tears. Loki doesn’t like the wet feeling beneath his cheek. Wriggles a bit. Mobius doesn’t let go of him. Loki doesn’t let go of Mobius. His fingers all stiff from clutching the shirt.
His body puts itself back together. His senses calmed down. A throbbing pain. Not searing. An emptiness. Not a void.
“I trust you”, Loki sobs barely audible. His voice not used to working anymore.
“I can understand if you feel betrayed…”
“I will always trust you.”
Loki feels a sigh softening Mobius’s muscles.
“They can’t harm us here. Because their weapons won’t work after a few minutes of entering this timeline. It’s very resilient against magic and other-worldly technology. And there is no way for them to leave once a portal is closed. They can’t reopen a new one. That also means for us… another thing I should’ve told you… well, we cannot leave either.”
“That’s okay”, Loki says in his small voice. He doesn’t need to be anywhere else. Doesn’t want to be anywhere else. He’s with Mobius. The one person that has not betrayed but protected him. At all costs.
“I’ll help you. With everything. I’ll show you everything. How to do things without…magic.” Mobius hesitates before using that word.
It’s another cut through Loki’s heart. Without magic. His pulse stumbles dangerously for a second. That’s his reality now, he realises. No more illusions.
But knowing that Mobius will always be by his side to help him starts a warm glow deep inside the emptiness. Starts to push the darkness away.
“What happened today is a very big thing. It’s not easy on you. And I respect every decision you make on handling your emotions. I am here for you, Loki. You can talk to me. Day and night. And please, do talk to me when you think your feelings overwhelm you. Promise me that.” Mobius swallows. Throat tight.
“I promise”, Loki says without hesitation.
Later they sit on the sofa. Loki wrapped in a blanket. Still hurting. Still shaken. But a cartoon is running on the telly. And he has a bowl of vanilla pudding in his hands. He didn’t eat any potatoes or salad. But Mobius lets him have dessert anyways. Just this once.