You don’t understand how I feel right now. You probably never will because we seem to be always at each others’ throats for no reason that makes sense to me. I wish you would remember that we are in this together. That in this moment I want to just hold you in my arms and pepper kisses all over your face. Only you have pushed me aside more often that I care to remember. So, I don’t bother. Is that how you want us to be just a memory of what we were before? I hope that isn’t the case. I wish it wasn’t the case, Anne.
I can see you watching me. I wonder what you are thinking. Is your mind were mine is right now. If, only it was. I am so wound up I wonder if I will ever be able to relax ever again. I hope that is possible. Yet, I feel so confronted by what happened I don’t know how to begin to unwrap what is happening here. I know you are stressed and uncomfortable. I know you have the estate business to worry about. The coal pit was on schedule until it flooded. I was hoping that some injection of money from me would help ease your stress. It would make you relax more. Only you are so wound up just like me that no matter what I do it doesn’t help. Your Aunt and sister are worried about you. I don’t understand why you won’t talk to your wife and tell her what your problem is. I love you, Anne.
Yet, that isn’t the only thing bothering you. Is it? You are still worried that I will leave. That I will find someone else who will marry me. Yes, a man. I know it has happened before. It won’t happen on my watch. I’m with you no matter what happens. I know that you feel I am not able to withstand the cruel and nasty comments others sling at us. Yet, I know when I am with you I can take on the world better than I ever did when I was alone.
I couldn’t cope until you came back into my life. I never was able to cope before then. With all the losses I had to endure and the tribe. They always seem to make my life bloody miserable. Is that what you are trying to do now? Please don’t. I need you to remember that I love you for who you are. I will never want you to change to be someone you never could be. I don’t want you to feel the discomfort I constantly feel around the tribe. I don’t seem to be able to do anything right and that always seems to trigger my depression. I would be fine if they would shut the fuck up. Only they won’t. the worse one is Mrs Priestley. She drives me mad. She’s constantly trying to get me to marry the next man she brings to Crow Nest for ‘a visit’ as she so politely puts in. Then she leaves us alone. These men usually try anything they can. Only thankfully James is always there to keep an eye on their tactics. I am so glad he was there with me.
Now, I am here with you. Only where are you, dearest. You’re either in your study or out on the estate working hard to make it better. Then you are so exhausted at the end of the day that all we seem to do is look at each other wondering what we are thinking. That’s why I am writing to you. I want you to know I don’t care what our house looks like. It is dark and moody like you and I love it. Shibden reminds me of you in more ways than you could ever imagine. I only wish I know what you were thinking. Talk to me. Tell me what you are thinking. Tell me how you feel about us. Do you want this to last for life? Tell me if you do. If not, I don’t know what I will do. I certainly don’t want to go back to Crow Nest. I am sure as soon as the tribe know I am there they will come baying for my sanity and lock me up in an asylum. I know you don’t want that. Do you, darling? Or do you? I don’t really know what you want from me. I just want to be with you and love you for the rest of my life no matter how long that is. I wish you would always remember that, Dearest Anne.
Only It seems you are having doubts about my staying power. I guess it is easy to do that. I often find I have doubts about who I am. Sometimes I find it hard to cope with the world and people who are in it. I only hope you would never doubt how I feel about you, Anne Lister. I never doubt my love for you. It is as real as it has ever been. So, while we sit only a few feet apart I feel as though I am miles away from you. It’s a sad fact of life but we are allowing others to dictate how we behave around each other. Please, tell me how you feel about me. I need to know right now.
Only you look at me as if you are looking through me what can I do to prove to you that I am different to the other women who have been in your life. Anne? What can I do? Please tell me. I need to know. I wish I knew right now so I could make you feel better.
Only I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know what to say and most days I don’t know how to feel any more. I am at an impasse and in the doldrums. Anne. Tell me what do I need to do? What do I need to say to show you how much you mean to me?
Your aunt has just walked into the sitting room. I will stay where I am. If, she approaches me I will smile and talk to her. If she doesn’t and she goes to you. I will wait. She stands between us motioning us to join hands. I tentatively move my hand across the cushion on the sofa. You do the same. I feel the sparks fly when our fingers touch. I look up and see tears in your eyes. Anne Lister, if you want me in this moment squeeze my hand. You don’t.
It is up to me to make the first move. I wrap my fingers around your hand and squeeze it. I look into your eyes. I see fear. What are you fearful of, darling Anne? I am yours for always. I slide closer to you. Aunt Anne looks at both of us. She wants this to be over. We have been sitting like this for hours and it is upsetting her. I can see she has been crying. Why do we do this to her? She isn’t young anymore. Is she? And at this rate we’ll be old too soon before we realise we have wasted time thinking about the past and not considering now.
You squeeze my hand back. I move closer to you and wrap my arms around your neck. You lean into me and rest your head on my shoulder. Can we talk? You ask in a whisper. I nodded. Aunt Anne leaves us to talk. There is silence for a beat. I wonder what I should say to you but I don’t speak. You do. ‘Adney, I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I don’t understand why I feel this way when we talk about your past. It is easy to be vindictive. I was. I am sorry.’ I look into your eyes. ‘Dearest, we need to remember that it was my past. This is my present here with you. Please remember that. And there will always be a future for you and me, darling, Anne.’ you smile. I can see you are feeling remorse for what happened. Don’t please. ‘Anne, I think we can both agree that this has been a horrid moment but let’s throw it away. I am sure we can do that. Can’t we?’ You nodded. I stand and you take my hand. I pull you in for a hug and whisper in your ear. ‘Let’s go to the fuck hut, baby.’ You grin and nodded. ‘I will pack us a snack. You get your special toy.’ I watch you race upstairs. I go into the kitchen and put a few goodies together for a snack. When you return we leave the hall and walk across the lawn to the best place in the world where we have peace and quiet. Where we can fuck each others’ brains out. Aren’t you glad I suggested that.