Hard To Believe

“Hi Margo.”

“What the fuck Coldwater?"

"If you want to yell at me, we’d better come in, so we don't scare the customers."

"You are being a brat."

Quentin quietly opened the door and changed the shields. Margo came in next and looked around. The store wasn't big. The walls were white, and, on both sides, there are niches, of varying sizes, in chocolate-colored wood. In each of them there were some antique objects with prices for sale. In the background is a counter with items that are clearly being repaired. The wall appeared to be wallpapered soberly with thin vertical stripes in shades of cream, brown, and burgundy. It wasn't until she looked a second time that Margo noticed the charm to disguise what was really there. Shelves in the same wood with magical objects. He had everything in order, he hardly looked like the old Quentin. She can see he'd matured.

He was quickly arranging the counter and she could stare at him for a few seconds. He was dressing well, at least by nerd standards. New jeans and a burgundy button-up shirt. He no longer had the long hair of his Brakebills days, but it had grown out since she'd last seen him. He finally turned to her.

"What do you want Margo? Why did you even bother to come here?"

"You're avoiding me! Friends don't do that." She didn't mean to change her voice but realized she used the same tone with him that she used with Tick. High King’s voice.

Quentin took a deep breath before answering. "If you're referring to last night, I had an appointment with my father. He's a priority in my life right now."

"You're living with your father, I know that. Couldn't you change dinner to another day? It couldn't be that fucking important."

"It was a special dinner. He wanted to introduce me to his new girlfriend. You know what? I don't even know why I'm giving you explanations. You lost the right to demand anything since..." He took a deep breath before continuing, he leaned on counter. "You barely spoke to me the days you were in the penthouse, then you sneaked out in the dead of night to Filory and went months without a single fucking bunny. I don't think I'm important to you Margo. So, stop making drama."

"Where is all this bullshit coming from?"

"You didn’t care about me before. Now I don’t want you to care. Forget about me like Eliot already did. Don't worry, I'll survive without the royals around. I've been doing this for months."

"You're absolutely wrong, you dickhead. We didn't forget about you. We'd never make it. It's true we hardly spoke but Eliot needed me."

"Go back to him Margo. Leave me alone."

"Fuck you Coldwater. I need you. Eliot needs you."

"Nothing you can say is going to change what I think Margo." A customer then entered and greeted Quentin who answered before addressing her again. "You've already seen me, and you know why I didn't go to your special dinner. Mission accomplished. Now I need to work." He came from behind the counter and went to talk to the customer.

Through clenched teeth she says, "This isn't over Coldwater." She left slamming the door.

Quentin doesn't even remember when the costumer exited. He had a lot of work, but his head wasn't going to help. He is angry. He remembered Julia's messages and lost calls. It would be nice to talk to her.

"Q. I tried to reach you several times."

"Hey Jules. Sorry but I got off the phone last night and didn't turn it on until this morning. Guess who was here?"

"Margo. She was really annoyed that you didn't show up yesterday. Calling you and you not answering pissed her even more."

"She made it clear when she found me."

"She wanted to go after you. She just didn't because you were with Ted. Eliot looked disappointed but didn't say anything."

"Did he go to dinner? I understood it was just her."

"Why? Would you have come if you knew he was coming too?"

"On the contrary. That's when I wouldn't go even if I can attend." He gave a very bitter laugh.

"Q, I know what you think but, maybe, Eliot wants to see you."

"Bullshit. Eliot only cares about himself."

"I do not want to argue. Margo just left?"

"Yeah. I was lucky that a customer arrived."

"She seemed determined this morning. She will be back. Eliot apologized for leaving without speaking to us. He said he misses us, but I think he misses you more. Maybe he regrets."

"You want to be friends with him, be it, I don’t care Jules, for real, but I, I will stay apart. I've already suffered enough. You know I haven't been able to look at anyone else since...you know."

"That's why I think you should listen to him, to both of them. At least get your friends back."

"I have to finish a repair here. Thanks for talking to me. Helped a lot."

"Ok Q. You can count on me."

The day passed in the blink of an eye. Quentin feared that Margo would return at lunchtime, but when she didn't, he finally relaxed a little and managed to finish almost everything he had planned to do for the day. He just couldn't repair a pair of glasses with special lenses, which show people's auras. He called the customer and apologized, saying he would call back as soon as it is finished.

He was about to turn off the lights when Margo appears again. Her tight white dress stood out in the softer sunset light. She flipped the 'Closed' sign on her way in. The clatter of high heels on the tile floor echoing in his ears. Her hard look says he still has a lot to hear. He should have left earlier.

"Now that you can no longer use a client to avoid me, let's talk. Better yet, I'll talk, and you listen."

"As if I had a choice."

"That attitude of yours isn't going to help Coldwater. You should know that when I want something nothing can stop me."

"I really am a fuckup. Let's get this over."

"Yeah, let's get this shit over with you thinking we're not your friends."

Unable to control himself Quentin speaks sarcastically; "Great friends."

"Stop this bullshit! We left without saying anything and it was wrong. I regretted it but I had to get my throne back and take care of Eliot. He wasn't well after being Nigel."

"I noticed when he didn't even look me in the face and didn't say a word to me. He can relax. I know damn well it wasn't me and it wasn't him, not when he has a choice."

"That's the second time you tell me that same phrase. What the fuck does it means?"

"He never told you? Better talk to him, because I won't be the one to spill the story."

"Stop this shit and tell me what happened."

"Nope. That's his story to tell you. If he didn't, it means nothing to him, not like it did to me."

For the first time, Margo put her anger aside and really looked at her friend. She saw things she hadn't noticed yet. He tried to keep his face straight but his eyes... She saw a strong pain, something as if he had lost someone, as if someone had died on him. Eliot talked about their life as Brian and Nigel, but there was something else. Quentin's words could only be about something else. She knew Eliot hadn't told her everything, but she hadn't pressed him to that point.

“Tell me, what did Elliot do?"

"I won't say anything Margo. I'd appreciate it if you'd hum, leave me alone."

"Not a chance. I think I might be being a little unfair to you. You both are hiding something from me. If you won't tell me, someone else will."

"Let it be. Knowing or not knowing about something doesn't change what happened. Move on and get over it. That's what I'm doing here."

"I'm leaving but I'll be back."

"Do whatever you want." He is so tired that all he wants is to go home.

"Don't be a brat anymore little Q." She blinked at him and was gone as quickly as she arrived.

He went home and found a note from his father. Ted is going to spend the night with Maryl. Glad his dad is happy. He made himself a sandwich and grabbed a soda and a book and threw himself on the couch. He had dozed off and was awakened by a call, Julia.

"Hey Jules. What happened?"

"Margo happened. She locked herself in with Eliot and from what we heard before they put the sound spell on Eliot’s bedroom, she was accusing him of lying to her. What did you say?"

"Nothing but she realized there's something Eliot didn't tell her. She doesn't know about the mosaic."

"Fuck. He's going to hear a lot for keeping this from her."

"I guess."

"How are you?"

"Tired. I want to disappear until they left."

"Q."

"I know, I know. I'll stay and face it. Saturday I'll close the shop and go for a walk to relax."

"Where will you go?"

"Nothing far, I think just somewhere quiet. A cabin in the middle of nowhere sounds good."

"If you need anything let me know."

"I'm fine. I think the fight wasn't so bad, but I'm not going to claim victory, it could come back even worse."

"If I find out anything, I'll tell you."

"Thanks Jules."

The next day went by without any unexpected events. He was just finishing up for the day when Julia called again. Surely, she has news, but he is finishing up with a client and can't take the call. When Mr. Garner finally left, he picked up the phone to call her back, but there was no time. The noise at the door alerted him that someone had entered. It had to be Margo. He turned and found himself face to face with none other than Eliot Waugh.

He looks more beautiful than ever. How can this be possible? Longer hair, a beard Eliot had never worn, not even in Mosaic. A dark gray suit with a crisp white shirt. a plum tie with a slightly lighter colored vest.

His eyes were different. Seems as if for the first time, he wasn't trying to hide behind a persona constructed to protect himself. He seemed to be full of emotions. He had always been expressive, but what Quentin see now is something else entirely. He take a few steps into the store before saying anything.

"Hey Q."

"Eliot. I was expecting another visit from Margo."

"I know. She could tell you a lot of what I'm going to say here, but it's my place to speak. I am responsible for taking your friend away from you. I am the one to blame for our departure at dawn without speaking with anyone. I'm the coward who needs to be brave once in his life."

Quentin wasn't sure what to think. Only those who knew Eliot deeply could understand how his voice isn't sure, how the fact that he is holding both hands together are a way for him to control himself, trying to hold back his emotions. He seems to tread carefully. As if an emotion bomb could explode if he doesn’t control himself. Quentin is trying to control himself as well. His own thoughts are racing. He thought he wanted to be dressed as well as Eliot, berating himself for wearing a simple white button-down shirt and black jeans.

For months he did everything to erase his feelings for that man, until he realized it would be impossible. Quentin Coldwater will always loves Eliot Waugh. No matter where or when, no matter what their name are, what life they are living, he will always loves him.

So, he focused on putting his feelings on the back burner. He did everything to change his routine, kept Filory's books locked at some box, because he could never part with them. He took out of his old room everything that could refer to Eliot. On his dates with Julia, 23, and Kady, they never spoke of him or Margo. When Josh came over, Quentin never saw him, as he didn't live in the penthouse, and Julia only talked about general Filory stuff, like problems with the other kingdoms. He had managed not to cry anymore when he thought of the pair of monarchs. Even though Eliot had been deposed, he is sure Margo had made him a king, a prince or even a queen.

All those months of work gone to waste simply by seeing that face in front of him. His heart was beating faster than when they faced the beast. The only person who can hurt him more than any villain is in front of him right now. Eliot had captured his heart a long time ago. It was clear as day that he would never get over him. That's why he still couldn't look with romantic interest at anyone else. His therapist said it was just a matter of time, but he doubted it. He stayed behind the counter, using the piece of wood as a partial shield, at least a physical one, to give him some support.

Eliot was being strong, not because he deserves Quentin to forgive him, but because Quentin deserves to hear the whole truth. He is sure what a difficult conversation would be like, harder than the conversation with an irritated Margo the night before. His Bambi overheard everything he finally told and admitted it to her. She didn't interrupt him once, and he knows how hard that must have been for her. She stood there watching each tear roll down his face and her only movement was to hold his hand.

When he had finished pouring out all that was heavy in his heart, she hugged him and then spoke her mind. She didn't filter or soften any sentence, but ended by saying she would help him do what he should have done since Quentin's first day at Brakebills. She wants her friends back. Both of them.

Eliot can't deny that he is terrified. Never has been so exposed to anyone and his future has never been in one person's hands, as it is at this moment. The difference from when he was a child is that Quentin wasn't a shitty human being, like every member of his family. Margo told him how Q had reacted to what she said. Incredulous, resistant and definitely slippery about rapprochement. It wouldn't be easy, but he knows Margo won't let him get off the path he needs to walk.

"First of all, I ask, rather, I beg your forgiveness. I've hurt you so many times I'm afraid it's unforgivable. I shouldn't have walked away from you, when we left Brian and Nigel's life behind. I should have gone talk to you right away. I saw you looking at me and I knew you would listen to me, but I locked myself in. I was only confident to be in the same place as you with Bambi by my side. Only once did I intend to talk to you." He took another step towards the irreplaceable man in his life. "I saw that you were smoking on the balcony and when you went to the bathroom, I went there to wait for you to come back. I found Josh but you never came back."

"I came back, well, sort of came back. I heard your voice when I was about to go through the glass door, but I remembered the day you got scared when you saw me there. I backed off so as not to create an unpleasant situation." Q was serious, but that couldn't deter him from his speech.

"It was ridiculous of me to get scared that night. I owe you an apology for that too. I left to Filory because, well, when you didn't come back to the balcony, I heard you left the apartment, which led me to the conclusion that there would be no chance of dialogue. Blinded by my cowardice, I didn't see that it was me, the one who had to take the first step after everything that happened between us."

"Eliot you don't have to..."

"Please, let me speak." He waited for Q to nod before continuing and taking another step. "I was cruel to you and myself when we woke up from our life as Brian and Nigel. We were happy for months together. Our life was perfect and realizing that paralyzed me. I couldn't look at you because I knew we should have talk and I dreaded the outcome of that conversation. When Margo realized we weren't speaking she asked me about our life together, but I didn't say anything."

"She came to ask me, and I realized you hadn't said anything. I wouldn't be the one to speak."

"I'm sorry. She told me you said something about it not being us, not when we have a choice. She wanted to know what it meant. I lied and said I didn't know. Hearing my own words coming from you felt like a nightmare coming true."

"Like you said, your words."

"Yes, mine. I was always afraid that if we took a chance after the mosaic, you'd regret it after a while, because there's no way we could function in a modern environment, without being in our bubble at Filory." Eliot gave a weak, embarrassed laugh. He was admitting all the shit he thought, on more than one occasion. "I thought it was the right decision, to spare us the pain and regrets on your part."

"You can't make decisions on my name!” Quentin showed how much this is pissing him off.

"I know. I know it now. I was always so closed to feelings, to admitting I have feelings for someone, that when I finally let myself feel I want to protect people from everything, including myself." He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath before looking back at Quentin who still hadn't come out from behind the counter.

"When I put my feelings aside and faced that our life as Brian and Nigel were so wonderful, even with all the things going on around us, I realized that I was wrong. You were right. You're much better than me when it comes to dealing with feelings."

"Eliot, I never believed that you and Margo really wanted to be my friends. The whole time I kept thinking that one day you were going to get tired of me and walk out of my life, kick me out of yours. I was in a dark corner watching you guys leaving for Filory, and I thought that's exactly what was happening."

"No!" It was almost a cry of anguish. "Never." He managed to speak more calmly. "At no time you were the reason off our departure." He approached again, finally reaching the counter. "I left because I didn't want to admit that I had hurt you again. You, precisely you, the man who redefined my future by showing me that I could be happy." Eliot tried to reach for his hand, but Q backed off a little, showing that he didn't want the contact. He withdrew his hand from the counter to respect Q’s boundaries.

"When we got to Filory Margo had a lot to do and I threw myself headlong into everything I could do to help her. I didn't want to think, least of all about you. The days went by until a few weeks ago I couldn't do it anymore. Live without you, talking to you, seeing you. I became a pain in the ass and Bambi just had to throw me in the dungeons until I confessed everything that happened between us as Brian and Nigel and my feelings for you." He saw Quentin's reaction as his eyes widened.

"Really?"

"Ridiculous, isn't it?"

"How did you make her go running in the middle of the night?"

"I said I felt guilty and that I couldn't stand being around you. She said I was an asshole, but she agreed to leave. Surprisingly she gave me time to think and, after talking to her about our time in Boston, she said that we are idiots for not talking. She kind of blamed you too."

"Yes, she came here angry, like I was a criminal."

"I apologize again. Oh Q, I'm... ashamed of how much I put you through when it was up to me to make everything different. That's why I'm here."

"It's good that you came, but, but you didn't have to come and apologize."

"I didn't just come here only to apologize. I spent last night telling Margo about our life at the mosaic, my feelings about everything that happened between us. How cruel I was to you and to me, the harsh words I said to you, the lies."

"Lies?"

"All I said that day in the Throne Room, and after, and before."

"What are you talking about exactly?"

"I came here to speak the truth and come out. Quentin Makepeace Coldwater, I love you. From the bottom of my heart, I must admit that I can't love any other man but you. I apologize for my stupidity, for being an asshole and never accepting that you can love me back. Never had given all the love I have for you, which has long ceased to be just friendship. I have no right to ask you anything, but if I don’t, I can die. Here I am begging you to give me a chance. A chance to show you how much I love you. Show you that you are the most important person in my life. You were right. You are smarter and braver, you saw it all before I could work up the courage to look at our life. I love you darling."

"Eliot, I…what can I say?" Q rubbed his hands over his face and Eliot could see the confusion on his face.

"You don't have to say anything today or tomorrow."

"Say when? After you're gone once again?"

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here on Earth. If you'll let me, I want to talk to you, spend time with you."

"What?"

"I know given my background you might not believe this, but I'm changing, for me, for you, for us."

"Hard to believe."

"I know. I'm just asking for a chance to show you that I'm serious. I finally realized that all my fears were that you, you would realize how much better you are than me and leave me. Even if that happens, I would have been happy for some time, and this is more than I ever dreamed for myself."

"Eliot, I..." Quentin stopped and just stared into his eyes.

"I know you may have gotten over me and not love me. I know you may not even want me as a friend anymore. I'm willing to take whatever you can give me. I want to have you by my side, but I'll respect your wish."

"I don’t know what to think."

They were silent for a moment, just looking at each other. Eliot could see a range of emotions at Quentin's face. Fear, doubt, pain, and for a second, something like hope.
Quentin could see how sincere Eliot is. There is hope, fear, pain, doubts but especially love in his eyes. Q could see it but is afraid to believe it. He finally broke the connection and moved, crossed his arms and unsmiling spoke; "I don't know if I can believe you right now. I don't even know what to think. I need time, just like you."

"Okay Q. I understand and I can wait. I know there's still a lot we need to talk about."

"Yeah, there is."

"I'll give you space now, but I want to come back. Is that okay?"

"Okay, but not tomorrow."

Eliot took a pen and paper and wrote down his phone number. "This is my new number. You can call me, text me, ask a question, whatever you want. I'll be waiting for you. When you are ready, I'd like to take you out to dinner somewhere quiet and private, where we can talk about any subject."

He left the paper on the counter and headed for the door. After opening it he looked again at Q and spoke. "Don't forget that I love you. I'm waiting for you, for as long as it takes."

Quentin watched Eliot go and his heart sank. For the first time Eliot admitted that he loves him. Not as Nigel, not in another life. That's all Quentin wanted to hear after they got off the mosaic. It was all he wanted to hear when he called Eliot to go with him on the boat, to look for one more key. It was what he wanted to hear when Eliot killed the monster. He wanted to hear it from the day El had promised to find and seduce him if he got kicked out of Brakebills. Now he is confused. Eliot seemed sincere but how can he believe it? He needs time.