Family
“Every refusal makes matters worse, Natalia,” Madame B threatened. “Eliminate the target, now!”
She shook her head, unable to obey the command.
Madame B’s hand closed around her arm, pressing so hard it felt like the bones would crunch.
“You will obey me, or this punishment will be nothing compared to what’s coming. I can break you, Natalia, until you are exactly what you are supposed to be and if you spend the rest of your life in that cell! Eliminate. The. Target!”
She lifted up the gun but was too physically repulsed to shoot. Her finger lay on the trigger, paralyzed. She stared at him, knowing she couldn’t shoot him.
Madame B's gun barrel pressed against her temple, but she hardly noticed it. Somehow, she had to keep him safe.
“Natalia!”
“I’m dizzy, ma’am,” she murmured, pretending to collapse, then turned and pulled the trigger three times. She only saw shock spreading on Madame B’s face before they fell. She could smell the woman’s perfume, the smell of her childhood, and next to it blood, way too much blood.
She heard him shout something into his comm in a blur, feeling her strength running out quickly.
Madame B was pulled away from her and he bowed over her.
“Has a competition with someone how often she can save my life, I think,” she heard him say, presumably as an answer to something.
“Kid?” His voice sounded like she was underwater. “Give me the guns, yeah?”
She felt how the weapons were taken from her hands.
“There you go. You okay?”
He checked her body for injuries, very gently and carefully as if she might just break. She felt like she might.
He hesitated, clearly listening.
"Thanks, Barry," he replied quietly. A brief look of sadness passed over his face but was quickly replaced by a focused and worried expression.
“Kid, hey…” he whispered calmingly, moving into her field of view. “It’s over, she’s dead. You did it, it’s over.”
“What have I done…” she heard herself whisper shakily. “What have I done?”
“Hey,” he murmured softly. “You did good, kid. You saved my life, again, and you freed yourself. You never have to come back here. It was self-defense, okay? You had to do this.”
She looked at him, eyes full of tears, then shook her head with a shuddering breath.
He bowed down to her and helped her to sit up, one arm around her back.
“Let’s not figure that out now. You’re exhausted, you have to rest.”
She broke, a shivering fit shaking her body way beyond her control. He was keeping her upright, but she felt her body slipping, away from even the little bit of power she had still had over it.
Whimpering, she silently begged for help.
And then she was suddenly close to him, both of his arms keeping her trembling body under control.
“Shh, kid, it’s okay.”
He was warm and firm, like a rock, holding her close to his chest. She had never been held like this, so gently, so safely, like nothing could tear her away from him. Hardly knowing what she was doing, she moved closer into the embrace. She felt his breathing, evenly and calmly as he pulled her closer, supporting her carefully.
She felt one hand gently stroking her back, the other resting on her head which was eerily calming like it was keeping her very thoughts under control.
“There.” She could feel his words as she heard them, in the slight vibration of his chest. “There, it’s gonna be fine. Don’t be scared.”
He stopped stroking her to listen to his team again.
“She’s alive?” His voice sounded a little unsure now. He had to mean her by that. “I don’t think it gets much more positive than that. She’s just skin and bones.”
Wasn't he sure she would survive? Did he think she was too weak to make it?
She flinched against her will, not wanting to hear that horrifying truth. Even now, she was afraid to die.
“But she’s a fighter,” he said, now sounding surer. “I’m sure she’s gonna be alright.”
She relaxed again, not even trying to question if he meant it. She didn’t want the truth, she just wanted to feel safe, always as safe as right now.
She didn’t listen to the other things he said into his comm, concentrating on his breathing and the warmth radiating from him.
“… introduce ourselves again.” She took a second to get he was talking to her again. “Natalia, right? And I’m Clint.”
She looked up to him, linking the name to the face. Clint.
Pathetically, she whimpered again to indicate she needed to be held, knowing he was in control of refusing her at any second. But he started stroking her again, hugging her like she had seen in movies sometimes, closely, protectively. She had often wondered why people seemed to care about hugging so much when it always seemed so fake and uncomfortable when she did it on missions, but now she understood she had been the one in the dark all along. She couldn’t understand how the Red Room had never exploited this desire she hadn’t even known she had.
“Shh, it’s okay,” Clint whispered soothingly. “Don’t worry, kid, you’re gonna be fine. Hang in there, you’ll be okay, I promise we’ll take care of you.”
She started to relax against him even though everything hurt and even keeping her eyes open was hard, but at least she was safe, she felt that much. If she had been stronger and clearer in the head, she would have suspected a trap, being lured by the touch like by the light of an anglerfish. But right now, her mind was blurry enough to just soak it in, the soft rattle of his voice, the rhythm of his heart, fingers running over her hair without even the suggestion of violence.
She kept whimpering, twistedly hoping that would ensure her safety, that showing her weakness would make him stay. She didn't want to be put down, she couldn't be put down or she would just fall apart. And he didn't, he just sat still, holding her as if she mattered, like he actually and genuinely cared about her.
Natasha woke up with a start, still feeling the warmth of the embrace. Her face was wet with tears and she sat up, confused. A part of her wasn’t in the room at the farm, a part of her was back in the Red Room with Clint, being hugged and cared for.
Not knowing why, Natasha got up, bare feet silent on the floor. She left the room, slowly going down the stairs, step by step, down into the hall. Her hand touched the door handle, turned the key, opened it.
The air was icy on her skin, creeping into her clothing and making her shiver, but she closed the door behind her, crossed the porch, and stepped out onto the field, dazedly taking step after step away from the house. Her tears burned on her cheeks in the cold wind. Her heart cramped up painfully, the sobs came more loudly now as the memory slipped away. For the first time, she had been able to recreate it, but she couldn’t keep it, it stayed in the past and disappeared flickeringly as she stumbled after it.
Her knees gave in, shoulders heaving as she dropped to the frosted ground, cold piercing through her clothing.
She let herself sink to the side, curling up on the wet grass, cooling her burning cheek. She heard the tiny voice that said she’d freeze to death out here, that she had to get back inside, but she ignored it, the other voice, the one that told her that this was the only way to ever get the Bartons to touch her, if only briefly, was much louder at this moment. She knew it was wrong and twisted, to do this kind of thing, to manipulate them into this, and once or twice she almost managed to bring herself to get up again. But it hurt, the cold stung on her skin and in a way that felt good, being in physical pain because she knew she deserved a punishment for the thing she thought, and since they didn’t know about it, she had to inflict the punishment on herself.
Shaking violently, teeth chattering, Natasha turned her face to the dark house and let the tears flow.
When Laura woke, it was still dark outside, only a slight change in blackness hinted at the coming day. She sat up, listening closely, unsure whether Cooper or Natasha had woken her. Nothing.
Laura sighed, getting up anyway. Natasha was usually quiet after she woke from a nightmare. She checked Cooper’s room first, finding him fast asleep. She kissed him on the forehead before going to Natasha’s room.
It was empty.
“Clint!” Her voice shook when she rushed back into the bedroom, tapping his chest to wake him. Her heart was thundering and she had to remind herself to be careful because of his injured shoulder several times. “Clint, wake up, come on!”
He groaned, then blinked. “Laur? What’s the matter?”
“Natasha’s not in her room! She’s gone!”
Clint took a few seconds, then his eyes widened and he sat up quickly.
“Bathroom?” he asked.
“No, I checked, I looked downstairs, too, she’s not there!”
“Shit!” Clint scrambled out of bed hastily, feeling for the flashlight in his nightstand. “Okay, let’s go.”
They hasted downstairs and to the door. Clint swung it open.
“Not locked,” he murmured, voice faltering.
“Go, come on,” Laura urged, agitatedly. They ran out onto the porch and Clint shone the flashlight in all directions.
“My kingdom for a damned searchlight,” he muttered, going a few steps down the porch. Even standing there briefly, the ground was ice cold. Laura shivered.
“Where can she be?” Tears blurred her eyes, thinking of the red-haired girl out in the cold.
Clint took another few steps, then squinted.
“Laura, do you see that?”
Laura only took a single look before she started running, the dancing light of the flashlight barely aiding her steps. She fell to her knees next to the small body.
“Natasha! Natasha, oh my god!”
Clint kneeled down next to her, putting a hand on Natasha’s small frame. The girl lay still, curled up into herself, and didn’t make an effort to move.
Clint looked up.
“She’s alive, Laura, she’s breathing, she’s just cooled out.”
Laura felt the first tears running down her face. Shakily, she reached out to touch Natasha and breathed out when she felt her trembling under her fingers.
“Natasha,” she whispered. “Natasha, darling, you have to get up, you have to come inside, darling, please, come on.”
Natasha blinked, otherwise she gave no reaction, no flinch at the touch, not the slightest look towards them.
“Natasha, please, talk to me,” Laura begged helplessly, nudging the girl to get up. “Clint, she’s ice-cold, we have to get her inside…”
“I’ll carry her,” Clint suggested, bowing over Natasha to pick her up.
“Your arm,” Laura protested weakly.
“It will do,” he returned. “It has to, it will heal again.”
Natasha stirred a little, looking up for the first time. Her lips were blue and she looked dazed, but she shook her head slightly.
“No, I can walk,” she whispered, stuttering from the cold. Weakly, she scrambled to her feet. “I can walk,” she repeated, staggering as she spoke.
Laura instinctively reached out to catch her, holding her by the waist.
“That’s okay,” she murmured. “We’ll manage. Just hold on to me, I’ll help you. There you go, come on.”
Gently, she helped Natasha to put an arm around her shoulder and guided her to the house, trying to ignore the tremors running through the girl and how she leaned onto her. Laura heard her uneven, shaky breaths very close to her ear, a strand of wet hair brushing against her neck. She exchanged a look with Clint, unsure if she was properly communicating what she felt, that it had to be much worse if Natasha didn’t even try to keep her distance anymore. Normally she would have been hellbent on seeing a doctor immediately, but she was scared Natasha would snap if they did.
“It won’t take long,” she whispered apologetically. “We’ll be inside in a second.”
Natasha stumbled a little when a more violent shiver ran through her, but she stayed on her feet and managed the way to the house with Laura’s help, though way more slowly than they would have liked.
Laura led her to the couch, helping her to lie down. Natasha made no effort to take her arm from Laura’s shoulder until she gently nudged her to.
“Natasha. Natasha, hey, look at me.”
Natasha hardly turned her head, she wrapped her arms around herself, a single tear ran over her cheek, but there had been more, Laura could tell she had cried heavily. She felt a lump come to her throat when she saw how sad Natasha’s eyes looked.
“You have to stay awake, Nat, okay? Don’t fall asleep. We have to find out how bad it is.”
She covered Natasha with a blanket, sitting next to her on the floor.
“She’s trembling, that’s a good sign.” Clint rummaged through a drawer, then held up a thermometer. “Okay, let’s see. Open your mouth for me, Nat.”
Natasha obeyed but didn't seem too invested in what was happening with her.
“97.” Clint breathed out. “That’s not too low, you can’t have been out there for long.” He looked at Laura, grimacing. “What do you say, do we warm her up and monitor her or do we call a doctor anyway?”
Laura sighed. She knew they were probably making the wrong choice here. “I think we can try ourselves first and see how well it works. But if she doesn’t get better quickly we get help right away.”
He nodded. “Okay, in that case, I suggest I stay with her and you prepare something warm to drink and maybe a hot water bottle… I think that’s much safer than letting her shower, and I mean, body heat isn’t really an option…”
Natasha gave a strangled little whimper, making Laura start. She bowed over the girl.
“Hey. Hey, what’s the matter, Natasha, what’s wrong?”
Natasha shook her head, fresh tears running down her face. “I’m okay,” she murmured hoarsely but Laura saw she fought against crying heavily, not entirely succeeding. Something was most definitely wrong… but at least she was aware of her surroundings, and she had spoken, too…
“We’ll get you warmed up again, Nat, don’t worry, you’ll be alright,” Laura whispered before she got up to prepare the water.
Clint settled next to Natasha on the couch.
“Nat.”
She didn’t look up.
“Nat,” he persisted. “What were you doing out there?”
A shudder, a shrug. Still no eye contact.
“Nat, you could’ve killed yourself!” In the corner of his eye, he saw Laura flinch and wipe her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Natasha breathed. “I didn’t want to be any trouble, I’m sorry.”
“Nat, this isn’t about trouble, you would have died if Laura hadn’t checked on you! Why did you do this?”
She shrugged again. “I don’t know.”
“Dammit, kid, this is dangerous!”
“I’m sorry,” she repeated, but her words sounded resigned, not really fazed.
Clint sighed when a new series of shivers shook her body.
“I’m sorry we can’t warm you up more quickly, it could be dangerous, you know that. At least I hope you do. You have to know that you put yourself in danger tonight!”
“I’m sorry,” she repeated heartlessly before she turned away from him, curling up into the blanket. She obviously didn’t want to talk, and there was something else, not really reproach, not really an accusation, but somehow he still felt that he was at fault for something and he had no idea what it was.
Laura came back into the room, carrying some warm clothing and a towel.
“Nat?” she asked gently, getting to her knees next to the couch. With a soft sigh, Natasha turned around and met her glance, teary-eyed. “Nat, darling, your clothes are all wet, you have to change out of them, okay? And your hair is damp, too. I need you to get out of the blanket for a second and change, yeah? Clint,” she added in his direction. “Can you take over with the tea and stuff?”
“Sure.” Clint got up and left for the kitchen while Natasha slowly slipped out of her damp clothes. She didn’t seem to have problems moving, but she changed mechanically like she had no real motivation to. Laura offered her the pullover to slip in, in an effort to make it go a bit faster.
“May I?” she asked softly, holding up the towel. Natasha frowned, shrugged, then nodded. She sat perfectly still as Laura gently dried her hair, but every blink brought new tears running down her face.
“Okay, that should do,” Laura whispered softly, taking her hands away. “I’m sorry I have to touch you so much tonight.”
Natasha drew a small, shuddering breath, and for a moment, her face contorted into such a pained grimace that Laura was shocked, but then she straightened and wrapped the blanket around her shivering frame, turning her face away. Laura felt her heart cramp up in desperate compassion.
“Natasha. Nat, what’s wrong? Why did you go out there?”
Natasha shrugged. “It doesn’t matter,” she returned bleakly.
“Yes, it does!” Laura contradicted. “I can tell you’re in pain, Nat, I won’t just let you suffer if there’s anything I can do!”
Natasha turned around, looking directly into her eyes. Once again, Laura was shocked by the pain in them.
“But you can’t,” Natasha hissed softly. “And you shouldn’t because I’m being selfish and egotistical and-“ her voice broke –" and because I tried to manipulate you even though I know you don’t want to and that’s a horrid thing to do to the only people that are nice to me!” The last sentence broke out forcefully, followed by two choked sobs. Natasha sniffled. “I’ll go back to Washington,” she whispered. “I won’t be any more trouble for you, I’ll get out of the way, I promise…”
“Natasha, what on earth are you talking about?” Laura stared at her in shock. “There’s no way you go back to Washington… And what do you mean by manipulating us?”
Natasha shivered, then shrugged, wrapping her arms around herself more closely. She looked away.
“Into touching me,” she murmured, so quietly that Laura wasn’t sure if she had even understood it correctly.
“What did you just say?”
Natasha’s eyes met hers, ablaze with pain.
“Into touching me,” she repeated, clearly pronouncing every world almost defiantly even though her voice shook. “I thought you would have to if I was hurt, the way Clint did back at the Red Room, and that’s why I stayed outside even though I knew I would be coercing you to do it and even though you already do everything else for me.” A sob broke out and she swallowed hard. “And I know that’s not right of me, I know that, and I won't do it again, I promise, I'll be strong, I was just… I can’t remember it properly and I just wanted to… just tonight, just for this one time…” Her voice was choked by sobs and she turned away, in that way that Clint recognized as being scared, scared to be hit. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
Laura stared at her, wide-eyed. Her head refused to make sense of what Natasha had just said, she sat frozen, unable to process.
“You went out there on purpose?” Clint asked from behind her, putting her incoherent thoughts into words. “You risked all this… because you wanted to be touched?”
Natasha whimpered slightly, nodded, shook her head.
“No, I… I dreamed of it, I always do… and this time I could finally have it… and I was so sad when I woke up, I needed fresh air… and then I had this thought, I didn’t plan it, but… I’m so sorry, please…”
“Natasha.” Clint’s voice was incredulous. “You… You hate being touched. You’re afraid of it.”
She shook her head, finally looking at him again. Her face was filled with confusion.
“I am what?”
Clint shook his head in shock.
“Nat, the whole ordeal with Cooper, you literally ran away because of it.”
He exchanged a glance with Laura ‘maybe we should take her to a doctor after all’.
Natasha shook her head. “No,” she contradicted, confused. “No, I didn’t. I’m not afraid of touch? I was uncomfortable with the game, and I couldn’t tell him, I felt pushed into a corner, that’s all, and that’s long over, I already told him that.”
Clint stared at her, hot water bottle forgotten in his hands.
“You… you never minded being touched?” he asked weakly. “You wanted to, all the time?”
Natasha lowered her head.
“Only since we’re back here. I… it’s so hard to see it, all the time… But I know I have no right to it, it’s a family thing, I understand that, I was being-.”
“Stop." Laura's voice was quiet but firm. Natasha flinched slightly. “You’ve wanted to be touched, ever since you’ve come here? But Nat… why did you never reach out? We would have been so ready to…”
She felt her eyes welling up as everything started to click into place, Natasha’s distanced behavior, the longing in her eyes when she saw them with Cooper or each other. Why she had been so miserable.
“I thought you knew,” Natasha whispered. “I mean, how could one not want that… How could I ask for this? You already give me so much, I couldn’t… not the one thing you didn’t give me free-willed.”
Clint shook his head. “I thought missions were different, professional necessity, something like that, I would have never dreamed… I’m so sorry, Nat, we completely misinterpreted this, we honestly believed you didn’t want to be touched.”
Laura breathed through, wiping off a tear.
Natasha shivered, pulling the blanket around herself more tightly.
“You’re still cold,” Laura realized and got up to sit down next to the red-haired girl. “Come here, we’ll warm you up.” She opened her arms, waiting as Natasha timidly moved over and finally leaned on. Laura felt a few hasty breaths, but she could tell Natasha didn’t make the slightest move away from her. Carefully, she lifted up the blanket to wrap it around both of them and Clint handed her the hot water bottle that he had completely forgotten about before he went to get the tea.
“You’re all cold,” Laura scolded tenderly as she pulled Natasha closer, trying to warm up all cold skin she could feel. “Ugh, your feet, too. Here, that’s a good place to put the hot water bottle. Now there you go. C’mon, give me your hands so I can warm them up with mine.”
“Laura?” Natasha whispered, voice heavy with emotion. Laura met her green eyes, blurred with tears.
“Yes, what’s the matter?” she asked back.
“This is… this is so nice,” Natasha whispered with a timid, nervous chuckle. Laura felt her chest warm up.
“Is it, yes?” She ran her fingers over Natasha’s hair. “I think so, too.”
"Hey there." Clint put down three mugs of tea on the couch table before he settled next to them. “Am I allowed to join in, family moment and all?”
Laura smiled and nodded after exchanging a brief look with Natasha. They sandwiched her between them and Clint felt with relief that she was starting to warm up considerably. She lay very still as if she hardly dared to move.
“We’re not leaving,” he said softly. “You can have as much cuddling as you want, Nat, we’re not going anywhere. Dammit, I should have known, right after that first time at the Red Room. I thought you only let me because of the shock.”
Natasha looked up.
“I had no idea what you were doing,” she admitted, embarrassed. “Nobody ever… It was the first time for me and I… I felt safe. It was really the only reason I trusted you afterward, that memory. I thought you only did it because I was sick.”
“You were so scared.” Clint sighed. “I just wanted to help and I didn’t know what to do… And when you woke up you were so different and I decided I’d never mention this incident at all, I just assumed it was completely out of character for you. Damn, Nat, to think I could have prevented all of this pain if only we hadn’t jumped to conclusions that one time.”
Natasha shook her head. “No, I… I guess it makes more sense,” she admitted. “I just… I never thought the why mattered since I’d already dealt with it myself… I don’t know how to do that kind of thing.” She hunched her shoulders. “I’ve never had anyone care about me.”
Laura sniffled, determined not to let the new admittance of Natasha’s hardships make her cry again. They’d make her better now, they’d give her all the love she hadn’t had until now.
“Now you do,” she said gently, but firmly. “We care about you so much, Nat, we want you to be happy and well above all else. And about the thing you said, about cuddling being a family thing, it’s wrong, but even if it wasn’t, that wouldn’t change a thing.”
Clint nodded. “She’s right, you’re family, Nat.”
Natasha sniffled, looking at them with wide eyes.
“But… you are so perfect,” she stammered, confused. “You don’t need me here, I only need you all the time.”
Laura shook her head. “That’s not true, Nat. I miss you when you’re not downstairs when I cook, and Coop says you are the best dinosaur drawer around.”
“No to mention you save my life, like, a lot,” Clint added with a smile. “And I don’t absolutely hate the apartment in Washington anymore, now that you’re living there, too.”
“The thing is,” Laura continued. “we were happy before we had Cooper, Clint and I. But now that he’s there, we need him, and we can’t imagine a life without him. Same applies to you, you’re a part of our lives now and we want you to remain just that, okay?”
Natasha looked at each of them, green eyes shimmering.
“I want you in my life, too,” she said in a very small voice, timidly, almost ashamed. And then “I think I love you very much.”
Despite herself, Laura chuckled. “Yes, darling, we all love you, too.”
Natasha wiped her face and leaned her head against Laura’s shoulder.
“I’m so glad I didn’t kill the bodyguard,” she said after a while of silence.
Clint looked up and smiled at her.
“And I’m so glad I didn’t kill the Black Widow.” He patted himself on the shoulder theatrically. “Great decision of mine, coming back for you.”