I slept with Tony Stark.
Pepper glanced at Tony who was sleeping so soundly beside her, completely oblivious to those five words that kept running inside her head. She had never seen him looking so peaceful, so calm, and – looking past the fact that he was literally dying not more than twenty-four hours ago – so healthy. He was sleeping on his stomach with half of his body draped over hers, while his left arm rested quite possessively across her chest, hugging and pulling her closer to him as if he was worried that somebody would snatch her away from him. She could feel his arc reactor pressing against the side of her breast while his well-trimmed facial hair brushed lightly against the delicate skin of her neck. His head was resting on her shoulder and her arm was wrapped loosely around his neck, mirroring the way he was pulling her to him.
Pepper took a deep breath as she diverted her gaze to the ceiling, catching in her periphery the soft blue light of the clock on her nightstand telling her that it was half-past two in the morning. She couldn’t sleep, and it wasn’t because of the foreign but reassuring presence of the arc reactor pressed against her side. Neither was it because she woke up that (previous) morning not knowing that Tony would literally sweep her off her feet, kiss her on a rooftop while the entirety of the Stark Expo burned around them, and end up on her bed, in her apartment, all in a single night.
I slept with Tony Stark.
No, Pepper couldn’t sleep and it wasn’t because she thought that the whole night was a mistake, because it was not. Everything felt right, and even if to everyone else everything seemed rushed, Pepper knew the timing was just right. Somehow, she had always known that she and Tony were inevitable… somewhere along the road it was meant to happen, they were meant to happen. It had always been in the cards, but those five seemingly innocent words had been keeping her up all night because right now, she had no idea how long this would last.
I slept with Tony Stark.
Those five words heralded, for Pepper, the beginning of the end. Because as much as she and Tony were meant to happen, she was also well aware of the inevitability of this relationship ending. No, she wasn’t giving up on them before they could even begin, but Pepper had known in the many years since she had known Tony that he was never one to commit. Pepper had always been pragmatic, and she wasn’t about to stop being one right now. She knew that Tony was set in his ways, and she wasn’t going to fool herself into believing that she would be the exception to his rule. She was brutally realistic like that.
“You know, I can hear you thinking,” Tony murmured against her ear and Pepper could almost feel his lips against her neck, forming a small smile. “You thinking actually woke me up.”
She ran her fingers through his hair, even as he left a trail of soft, wet kisses down her neck. She sighed deeply, quite unsure whether it was brought about by his question or by his touch. “I’m just not really sleepy, hence the thinking.”
“And here I thought I wore you out.”
“You did.”
“I know I did. So, you can’t go for another round?” Tony propped himself up on one elbow so he could gaze at her, the smirk he was wearing on his face was equal parts lewd and adoring.
“Aren’t you tired? Again? Really?”
“I can wait ‘til morning,” he relented before leaning down to kiss her. His lips firmly pressed against hers, coaxing her to return the kiss, and only letting her go once he seemed finally satisfied. “Spill it, Potts.”
“Spill what?”
“What are you thinking about?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Try me.”
Pepper bit her lip, hesitating. She knew there was a fine line between pessimism and realism and she was about to tread that precarious divide. Could she really do this to Tony, right now? She looked at those eager dark brown eyes that she could never really say no to and she wondered, why ruin an almost perfect night?
Nip it in the bud, Potts.
“Well?” He tried to offer her a reassuring smile, but she had him memorized like the back of her hand that she could clearly distinguish by now which smiles were sincere and which ones were forced and which ones were nothing but a tough veneer. “I’m really not going to want to hear it, am I? Pep?”
She sighed resignedly, diverting her gaze instead to anything, anything else other than those dark, brown eyes. “People can’t know about us, Tony.”
“What? Why?” Predictably, he was protesting, and she couldn’t understand why his tone was basically telling her that it was such a ridiculous idea. “I happen to be very excited to tell the whole world that I finally convinced the famous Pepper Potts to date me.”
“To date you?”
Is he? Really?
“Yes, you’re dating me now, aren’t you?”
She could feel his hand in her hair, and a cursory glance at her bedroom floor made her notice his clothes that were strewn there haphazardly earlier that night. “No one has to know what we do…” she murmured absent-mindedly.
“Hey.” He reached out, tilting her chin so that she would meet his gaze. He no longer looked teasing, if anything, he looked apologetic. “Are you ashamed to be with me? Because that’s… understandable.”
Pepper shook her head and she wanted to kick herself because, of course, Tony would think that way. “That’s not true. It’s just that… the Board already thinks I got to where I am now by sleeping with you—”
“You didn’t. You weren’t.”
“—and when this doesn’t work out, I’m not sure if—”
“You mean if this doesn’t work out.”
“Tony…”
“We already have an expiration date in your head, don’t we?”
Pepper did not know how to respond to that; she could try denying it but she knew that Tony would be able to see through her lie anyway. She lightly traced the side of his face, and she could feel that the dam was about to break any moment now. But then he kissed her, deeply, languidly, avidly, and she knew that her earlier silence spoke volumes and he had decided to put the topic to bed, at least for tonight.
“Pep, let’s go away this weekend? Let’s get out of this town, away from everyone. Venice, Cipriani?” He looked hopeful, and against her better judgment, she knew that he knew that she was a done deal. “That trip’s long overdue. We’ll hide from everyone, we’ll avoid the crowds, and I’ll just have to be content with having you all to myself. I’m willing to make that sacrifice.”
She couldn’t help but laugh and he did look smug for finally pulling that laughter out of her. “That’s an enormous sacrifice, Mr. Stark.”
“I told you, I’m prepared to make sacrifices.” A beat, and then, “Seriously, Pep. You’re not like the others. This isn’t like what I used to do. You know that, right? And we don’t have an expiration date, I’ll make sure of that.”
“Okay, but if we ever break up—”
“We won’t.”
“We will. We will, Tony.” She could see how disappointed he was, so she kissed him lightly on the lips, hoping that it somehow soothed him and softened the blow. “It might be temporary, but we will break up at some point. You know that.”
He dwelled on what she said for a while, and she could almost see the gears running, processing, inside his head. She liked, loved this side of him, how he would always give the things that matter to him a lot of thought. Pepper was glad it – whatever this thing between them was – apparently mattered enough.
“I don’t like that thought,” he finally admitted, his voice lacking the confidence that he normally exuded. “But since you’re always right and this is me we’re talking about, fine. I know I’m not going to like this, but I’d probably stupidly and temporarily break up with you… at some point.”
“And before that happens, as early as now, I want you to choose our fixed point.”
He looked at her curiously, clearly caught off-guard. “Our fixed point?”
“Yes, somewhere along our history, a time that you can promise will remain unchanged no matter what.” She did notice him furrow his brows so she proceeded to elaborate. “It’s a point we can pick up from after we break up and as we try to remain friends, maybe.”
“You mean a reset point?”
“I think that’s it, yes, a reset point.”
“So what you’re saying is, just in case – not when – we don’t work out, we’ll hit reset on our relationship but only to a certain point. Then, we’ll try to be friends from that point onwards, is that what you’re saying?”
Pepper couldn’t help but smile, she had gotten his full attention and now he was clearly engrossed with the idea. “Yes, Tony, that’s what I’m saying.”
“I’ll never lose you, then.” He looked pleasantly surprised even as he came up with that realization. “Even if we break up, I’ll still have you… in some ways.”
“You’ve grown on me, Tony. I think it’ll be impossible to shake you off.” She could see him cheering up so she decided she might as well make everything clear. “That’s not your insurance to recklessly screw things up, though.”
“Never,” he promised, and Pepper would not admit it to Tony but, at that moment, she wanted to believe him wholeheartedly. “I do know I’ll never win the lottery again.”
“You’re a billionaire.”
“You do know what I mean.”
“Right,” Pepper acquiesced, hoping that Tony couldn’t see through the dim light the way she was probably blushing. “So, absolute fixed point?”
“How about this night?”
“Tonight can’t be our reset point.”
“Why not?”
He was whining like a kid, and Pepper fought so hard to keep from smiling. She wondered if it was because of the new element powering his arc reactor, or because they were finally together (in some sense), but he did look younger tonight – younger and carefree and just… happy.
“We’re supposed to resume being just friends from that fixed point,” she patiently reiterated while he reached out to grasp her hand in his and kissed her knuckles reverently, “and the night we first slept together cannot be that.”
He grinned at her looking so triumphant. “You did say this is the first night… so there will be a second night, and a third night, and a fourth night... How many nights should I be expecting, Pep? Just give me the minimum, at least—”
“Stay on message, Tony.”
“Alright. Tonight can’t be our absolute, fixed point. Why are you always right?”
“Because one of us has to be. So?”
“Fine,” he sighed, shifting to lie on his back instead, and pulling her in an embrace. She rested her head against his chest and she could smell the scent of motor oil mixed with juicy bergamot and apple scent, with notes of fresh grass, sandalwood, olive tree wood, and cedar mellow. Her grip around his waist tightened at the thought that she almost lost him without her knowing, and he must have felt her sudden anxiety because he stroke her arms reassuringly. “I’ve thought of our absolute point,” he murmured, pulling her back to him, to the present. “How about the Firefighter’s Benefit?”
She could remember that night so well, she could probably remember the longing from their almost kiss more than the actual night. Pepper knew how Tony felt about that night, but after she shot down his attempts to discuss what happened (or did not happen) before the press conference when he blew his cover, they never talked about it anymore. There wasn’t just time, Pepper had been too busy running his company and he had been too preoccupied setting his affairs in order… just in case he couldn’t come up with a cure.
Pepper would never be able to forgive herself for not knowing, for not noticing, even if she knew now that one of the reasons why Tony left her in charge of the company must have been to distract her. Because he knew that he really couldn’t keep anything from her, even if he wanted to, as much as he wanted to.
“Why that night?” she asked, still somehow distracted by her own thoughts.
“Because that was the moment I knew, although ‘realized’ is probably a more accurate word.”
“Realized what?”
“Why I was never supposed to die in Afghanistan, why I managed to come back, who I came home to…” he paused, and Pepper propped herself up on one elbow just so she could meet his gaze. She had never seen him as sincere and as vulnerable and as melancholic. He reached out to tuck her hair behind her ear just as he smiled at her, and Pepper loved that shy, unassuming smile she knew he reserved only for her. “It’s always you, Pep. It’s always been you. I’ll always remember you standing in the middle of the ballroom in that blue dress, and I knew right there and then… I realized I’ve loved you for a long time, as quickly as I realized that I can’t have you.”
“Tony…”
“That’s why I froze, Pep. I didn’t reject you that night at the balcony. I froze because… it’s you. I want you, I’ve wanted you for a long time but it was just not possible that you see me in the same way, and I know you’ve had a few drinks—”
“I wasn’t drunk, Tony. I’m not a lightweight.”
“You’re a lightweight, Potts.”
“I wasn’t drunk, I knew what I was doing, just like now…” Pepper leaned forward, kissing him as if to remind him what he missed out on that night at the balcony. “And here I thought you rejected me.”
“I didn’t. I froze.”
“You are the world’s biggest playboy and yet—”
“Was. I was. Past tense, Potts.” He kissed her once more, before she retreated to burying her head at the crook of his neck, just breathing him in. “So, there. I think that’s a good reset button for when we need to be just friends again, nothing clearer than the moment I realized that I don’t deserve the girl, that I’ll never get the girl.”
“I’m here, Tony.”
He dipped his head, brushing his lips softly over her brow, while his fingers lightly traced her back. “You okay with that fixed point?”
But she didn’t want to talk about fixed points anymore. “Let’s just go to sleep, Tony,” she murmured, hoping they wouldn’t have to need those absolute points soon, or ever.
---- --- ----
Pepper woke up six hours later feeling disoriented when she glanced at the clock on her bedside table. It was a few minutes past nine in the morning, definitely late by her standards, and she was unsure if she simply didn’t hear the alarm go off three hours ago or if Tony had gone up ahead of her and switched her alarm off.
Except Tony’s definition of an early morning starts at 11 o’clock.
She turned on her side to check on Tony, but any trace of sleep was quickly washed away when her arm landed on his empty side of the bed. She sat up so swiftly it almost made her head spin, but Pepper found out that there was nothing more sobering than realizing that Tony had long gone – the bed was cold and his clothes were no longer on her bedroom floor – just like what he always did, just like with all the other girls.
Pepper’s heart sank, even as she tried to take comfort from the fact that they slept in her place instead of his. At least, she wouldn’t have to kick her own self out, neither would she be tempted to check on Tony at his workshop and bring him coffee just to jumpstart his day…
She took a deep breath, gathering and pulling the sheets tightly around her as she tried to get ahold of herself. She knew this could happen, she knew and she still agreed to sleep with him. But the worst part of it all was that she couldn’t even bring herself to blame Tony, because she knew who he was and yet she had let herself believe that this could mean something more to him than just a quick fuck.
Was he simply sweet-talking me the whole night?
She got off the bed and made her way to the walk-in closet, finally coming to terms with the fact that Tony left, just like he always did with all the other women he had slept with. She grabbed a robe and threw it around herself, catching a glimpse of that particular blue dress that would probably be sitting in her closet for a long, long while. She bit her lip, knowing there was no one else she should blame other than herself.
Idiot.
Pepper finally decided to step out of her room with the intent of grabbing a glass of wine instead of coffee, and allowing herself to wallow in self-pity for an hour or so before she would, once again, drown herself with work. She would deal with Tony later but for now, she allowed herself the luxury to lament the likely end of what to her was a very solid friendship.
“Finally! I was beginning to worry that I did wear you out last night.”
Pepper stood there rooted to the spot, anxiously fiddling with the tie of her robe, definitely surprised to see Tony working in her kitchen. He had prepared the table, her their coffee was brewing, and he had just placed a plate of perfectly cooked omelet on the table before gazing back at her and beaming proudly.
“You’re still here…” It was more of a realization than a question, really, and she was certain that the lack of a rising inflection towards the end of that sentence was not lost on Tony, but he thankfully let it slide.
“Yeah, I cooked you an omelet. I didn’t burn it this time.”
“You really are here.”
“Of course I’m here.” He walked up to her, pulling her into his arms. His hands fell on her hips while he kissed her lightly on the lips. Pepper was thankful for the nearness; his touch was a concrete reminder that he was really here and that her mind was not simply playing tricks on her very much hopeful heart. “I was making you breakfast. Where do you think I’ve been for the past three hours?”
“Still three hours?”
“Yeah. Where do you think I was?”
Pepper simply shook her head. She knew she looked very much similar to the way she did when Tony arrived at the tarmac after he came home from Afghanistan – red, swollen eyes brimming with unshed tears and the same toothy grin that broke through her tough veneer of professionalism – but she couldn’t really care. He was here, and she kissed him deeply hoping that the gesture somehow showed him how relieved, grateful she truly was.
“You thought that I left?” Tony asked while he poured her a cup of coffee. He didn’t seem to take offense at her apparent expectation of him; if anything, he seemed understanding. He pushed a plate of blueberry pancakes in her direction and she noticed the note beside it which read, ‘No strawberries this time, I do remember,’ and she couldn’t help but smile at the thought. “Because if you did think that I already left, well… that’s understandable.”
She took a sip of her cup and she realized he really did know how to make things work if he really put his mind to it, and she wasn’t just thinking about the coffee. “I just thought that we’ll be needing that fixed point already,” she finally admitted.
He simply smiled at her in his trademark smirk which, to Pepper, looked like what he wanted to say instead was ‘You have no idea what you’re getting into, Potts.’ He reached out across the table to take her hand in his, squeezing it and rubbing her knuckles reassuringly. “Not now, Pep. Never.”
---- --- ----
Tony would remember that fixed point at specific moments in the future, whenever he was looking death in the face because that fixed point was also the moment he felt most alive.
It was all he could think about as he carried the missile on his back and diverted it away from New York City, to save the world, to save her. He longingly gazed at her photo which was flashed on his suit’s HUD monitor, and all he could think about was that he regretted not kissing her that night.
It flashed in his head when he fought against Rogers, as the latter slammed the shield on his reactor for that (which he thought was) one final blow, forcing him to acknowledge that he needed Pepper back and that the break was just plain ridiculous and unnecessary.
It was the final image he thought of while floating in space, when he closed his eyes surrendering to his fate before Danvers found him and brought him back to earth, brought him back to Pepper.
It was his very last thought as he sat there after one, final, selfless act, when he snapped his fingers to bring order back to the world he fought so hard for… realizing at that moment that his world was sitting right in front of him and reassuring him that he could rest now, that his job was done.
The image of Pepper standing in that blue dress kept him company in his last few moments, as he grasped Pepper’s hand in his and as he realized that fixed point was never really necessary. Because he got the girl and more importantly, he deserved the girl.
That fixed point was never really meant to be his and Pepper’s reset – that fixed point was meant to be a reminder of the moment when he finally realized it was always Pepper, and that he had always loved her, long before he even knew.
---- --- ----
‘Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress…’
***