Chapter 6
Bucky does wake up feeling a little better.
Steve is up, rummaging around in his dresser, which must be what woke him.
"Are you going running?" Bucky asks, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
"Yeah. Are you feeling better? Do you want to come?" Steve asks.
"I feel a little better. I think the fever is gone. But not well enough yet for that."
"Alright, Buck. I'll be back soon. Are you hungry? Need help with breakfast before I go? Need a change?"
"Change. Please." Bucky answers. "I can wait for breakfast. I might go back to sleep."
"Okay. I'll help you in just a second." Steve says. He finishes getting dressed and changes Bucky's diaper. Bucky cringes a bit at the feeling of the cold wipes. Or maybe it's humiliation. He knows it's wrong to need this, and to need help with it. He wishes he wasn't such a coward, that he could get over it and use the bathroom like an adult.
After Steve leaves, Bucky tries to go back to sleep. But he's fully awake now, and he can't seem to drift back off.
He decides he may as well get up. He goes out to the living room, trying to decide what to do. He knows he's pathetic, he can't do anything on his own. He wishes Steve were here to help him. He should have gone running with him, even if he still feels a little under the weather. At least then he wouldn't be alone.
He stands in the middle of the room, just contemplating his next move, for several minutes. His stomach growls. He wasn't hungry when Steve left, but he is now. He hopes he comes back soon to feed him. He wishes he could make his own food and feed himself.
He goes to the kitchen. He knows he can't touch the food. But he just wants to see, maybe he can ask Steve for something specific to eat when he returns.
He opens the fridge and just looks at the food inside. There's so much. He's not even allowed to touch any of it. Steve isn't here to make it for him, he doesn't have permission to grab any.
He realizes he also has to pee. Should he hold it? He's not supposed to hold it, the doctor said so. And he's got a diaper on, so it's not breaking the rules. But will Steve be back soon to change him? He doesn't want to sit in it all day.
But he's not supposed to hold it, and he doesn't want to hold it, and he wouldn't be breaking the rules. So he lets it all go in his diaper. But now he's hungry and wet, both things he doesn't like.
How long has Steve been gone? When is he coming back? Is he coming back? Bucky's starting to panic now. What if he's not coming back? Bucky is stupid, and useless, he can't do anything for himself and Steve probably hates him. Why would he come back?
Bucky tries to stay calm but the fear of being abandoned and unable to care for himself is rising. Steve isn't coming back. He's driven Steve away with his cowardice, all his whining and helplessness, forcing Steve to do everything for him, and being so pathetic and worthless. Why is he so stupid?!
Tears of fear and anger and sadness start to fall. He ruins everything. Secretary Pierce is dead, he doesn't know where his Commander is, or any of the agents and technicians, or even if they're alive, and now Steve doesn't want him either. He has nobody because he's pushed everyone away.
He doesn't realize he's thrown one of the kitchen chairs until he hears it's impact with the wall. He decides to throw the rest of the chairs too, and then the table because why not! Steve isn't coming back, he won't care! He pushes the fridge over, spilling all the food he can't eat out all across the floor. He opens the cabinets and throws all the dishes, listening to them shatter.
Someone grabs him and spins him around, and it's Steve, and he's saying something, but Bucky can't hear him over his screams. Why is he screaming? He doesn't even remember. Steve is back.
"Steve!" Bucky snaps out of it, squeezing Steve tight, and burying his face into his neck as he just bursts into tears.
"Bucky, why? What even happened? I wasn't gone that long." Steve says. He sounds so disappointed.
"I thought you were gone forever!" Bucky sobs. "I thought you were never coming back!"
"Buck, I told you I'll never leave you. Why do you think that every time I'm gone? I'll always come back for you." Steve says.
"I don't know." Bucky cries. "I don't wanna be abandoned Steve, don't abandon me. I can be better, I promise! I'll be good. I don't want to be alone. Please!"
"Just because I leave for a little while doesn't mean I'm abandoning you, Bucky. I wouldn't do that. I'll always come back! You don't have to be afraid of me leaving. It's not gonna happen." Says Steve. "Please, tell me what's got you so upset."
"I don't know." Bucky says. "After you left I got hungry. And I missed you. I was hungry and wet and I wanted you to come back and fix it. But you weren't coming back."
"But I did come back, Bucky. I did come back. I'll always come back." Steve says, stroking Bucky's cheek and wiping his tears.
"But how would I know? There's no reason for you to come back. I'm horrible, and useless, and pathetic. Why would you come back?"
"Well for one, I live here. Of course I'm coming back. Where else would I go? All my stuff is here. And two, you're none of those things and I love you. You're the biggest reason for me to come back."
Steve holds Bucky for a long time, and Bucky calms down as Steve rubs his back and pets his hair.
"Come on. I'll get you changed, and fed, and then we're going out." Says Steve.
Out? Out where? Is Steve taking him somewhere else to abandon him? He does live here, he said all his stuff is here and he'll come back. Maybe he just doesn't want Bucky here.
Steve takes him to the bedroom to change, and then to the living room to wait while he cleans up the kitchen and sees what he can salvage of the refrigerated foods. Bucky waits anxiously. He wonders where Steve will leave him. What if he takes him far away where he can't find his way back? Steve wouldn't want him to be able to find his way back if he means to abandon him. But what if he can't find his Commander either? Or any HYDRA member? He would be all alone. He would die.
Steve comes back into the room with a bowl of oatmeal. He sits next to Bucky on the couch and feeds him. He gives Bucky his antibiotic and a glass of water. He helps Bucky get his shoes on. Bucky doesn't want to go. But he doesn't say anything. Steve deserves to be happy. It's Bucky's own fault, he brought this on himself.
Steve takes him to a store. There's little rectangles everywhere. He's seen them before. HYDRA agents had them, his Commander had one, Steve has one.
Steve picks one and hands it to Bucky. "Do you like it?"
"What is it?" Bucky asks.
"It's a phone." Steve says. "I think you should have one. That way you can talk to me anytime you want."
This is a phone? Bucky turns it over in his hands, inspecting it. It's just a flat rectangle. This is nothing like the phones he remembers. It should be way bigger. Where's the rotary? All the cords? Is Steve trying to trick him? He wants to give him this useless thing and tell him it's a phone so he thinks he isn't abandoned when he leaves him here?
Steve taps the "phone" a few times, and it lights up. It says today's date and the time, on a colorful picture. Steve swipes it and it changes to another picture, with little picture squares on it.
"I'll teach you how to use it." Steve says.
He takes Bucky to the counter and pays for the "phone." He gets a little box and there's a cord in there, but Bucky's still doubtful.
They leave the store and Bucky wonders as they walk, where Steve is going to leave him. But Steve takes him home. He didn't abandon him out there.
Back on Steve's floor in the Tower, Steve shows Bucky the phone. He sets it up for him, and shows him the "apps." He puts his phone number in it, and takes a picture of himself, and puts that on the "contacts." He puts a "widget" of his "contact" right on the "home screen." Bucky has no idea what he's even talking about at this point.
"There, now if I'm ever not here, and you're scared or think I'm gone forever, all you have to do is press on my picture, and it will call me, and we can talk. Or you can press this little talk bubble thing here, that's your texts messages. You can type on the keyboard to send me a message, just like writing a letter, only I'll get it instantly instead of waiting for it to come in the mail. Now you can always know that I'm coming back, and if you're not sure, you can ask me. But the answer will always be yes." Says Steve. "Now watch this. JARVIS?"
"Yes, Captian?" Comes a voice. Bucky gets a little scared, he looks all around but doesn't see anyone else. He doesn't know where the voice came from.
"That's JARVIS. Tony says he's artificial intelligence. Just think of him as a robot, that lives in the ceiling. But don't worry, he's not a robot and doesn't live in the ceiling. I don't know how to explain. But he's there, all you have to do is say his name, and he'll answer. You can ask him to call or text me through your phone, or you can ask him to send someone else to come help you if you ever for some reason can't get through to me or if it's an emergency. I trust the other Avengers, they wouldn't hurt you." Steve says. He hands Bucky the phone. "JARVIS? From now on, if I'm not here can you keep watch over Bucky and keep him safe?"
"Yes, Captain." Says the voice.
"You never have to worry about being abandoned. I'll always come back, and now I hope you know that. I love you and I want you to be safe, and happy. Hopefully this will keep away those spiraling thoughts and help you stay calm." Says Steve.
Bucky looks Steve over and considers that. Is he being honest? It seems like it. He loves Steve, and he knows Steve loves him. But just for some reason he always forgets when Steve is away. He always forgets that he loves him and spirals into shame and fear and panic. He wishes he could always remember that Steve loves him. He doesn't know why he forgets. Maybe now he will remember, and be okay.
☆
Steve is gone again when Bucky wakes up the next morning. He left. He left because Bucky is useless, and Steve has to do everything for him, and it must be just draining all his energy and making him miserable. He can't put up with Bucky anymore so he just waited until he was sleeping and took his chance to leave. Bucky doesn't blame him.
But what will he do now? He can't take care of himself. He doesn't know who else he can turn to. He has no one. Steve was all he had left.
He lays in bed and cries. He should have tried harder to be good and not put so much stress on Steve. He should have tried harder to do things on his own.
After a while he decides he should get up and go. Maybe he can still track down the Commander or some leftover HYDRA agent, maybe they'll take pity on him and control him again. It would be for his own good. He can't function without being told what to do and controlled and taken care of.
But when he sits up, he spots the rectangle on the nightstand. He remembers. Steve gave him that. He said to press his picture.
He takes it off the charging cord, and turns it on. There's Steve's picture on the screen. He presses on it. There's a long beeping sound a few times before Steve's voice comes through.
"Bucky? Hey. Are you okay? Whats wrong? What do you need? Are you hurt? Are you hungry? Wet? Bad dream?"
"Steve!" Bucky says.
"Yes, Buck. It's me, Steve. I'm just out on my run. I'll come home right now to come help you. I'm on my way, alright? Are you okay?"
"You're coming back? You didn't leave me forever?" Bucky asks.
"Of course not, Bucky. I'm on my way right now, I'll be right there. If you want we can stay on the phone until I get there." Steve says.
Bucky is glad Steve is coming back. He didn't leave him.
Steve keeps talking to him on the phone, keeping him calm and grounded in the reality that he's coming back, until he's actually there, standing next to Bucky in the room.
Bucky notices how Steve is sweaty, making his shirt cling to his chest and abs. He stares. He should look away. But he doesn't.
"I'm here, Buck. I'm back. I'll always come back." Steve says. He gets Bucky changed and dressed and fed, and gets him to take his antibiotic.
Steve came back.