Paranoia isn't always wrong
I woke with a start. Senses alight. I was on my couch, in my suite, alone. Memories flooded back and I groaned. 2:31 am. I’d slept several hours. A blanket slid off me as I stumbled to my feet. I made it to my bed and crawled under the covers. Casper curled into my pillow.
-
The next few weeks were punctuated with more training. My sessions with Steve were mostly about avoidance maneuvers. Nat drilled me in defense, working with my sense to anticipate attack, fighting through pain, to use any advantage I could. And Sam was helping me work on strength training, sharing the frustration of being around “super-people” who always made it look easy. My shadow companion had been even more guarded around me after the elevator incident.
I didn’t comment when Barnes started wearing a glove on his metal hand, but I wondered how he felt about it. Did he see it as a part of himself, or as a tool of Hydra’s making?
I had been watching him watching me. I knew his movements well: how he would slouch in the corner chair when Steve and I hung out in the blue room, the expressionless mask he wore around Sam, how he kept his distance from everyone but Steve. The sense of dread that pooled around him when he watched me train with Nat. Nat had decided to up the level of difficulty, first bringing Sam in. So now I was dealing with two attackers. And then adding a blindfold, so I was relying on my hearing and the awareness of the sense to move around and defend myself. The anxiety of Barnes seemed to increase in tandem with the use and display of my 'gift’, and I wondered why he watched at all since it seemed to bother him so much.
-
Sam had gone back to DC, Nat and I were training one-on-one again, I had gotten used to the blindfold, so she had added noise cancelling headphones. It had been rough but I was still on my feet.
“You should go soak.” Natasha’s reprimand hit my back as I limped towards my room.
“I will.” I had been avoiding using the pool on my own, uncomfortable with forcing Barnes to follow me around to places he didn’t want to be. The tub in my bathroom would suffice. And if I stayed in my room, Steve and Bucky could hang out in the apartment, it was small but comfortable, and more private than the common areas.
I had dried off, and wrapping my hair in an old t-shirt decided to leave the room. The boys were chatting in the little sitting area and I hated to get in the way, but I could feel the tightness inside my skull pressing. Let’s not get dehydrated now.
“Hey Shay, how you doing?” Steve’s voice was kind.
“Oh, hey! I’m good, just needed more water.” I moved quickly past the couch to the dinette, filling my bottle from the filtered cold tap. “I’ll be out of your hair in a moment.”
“You can stay. You’re not bothering us, right Buck?” Bucky’s grunt was apparently confirmation for Steve and I couldn’t bear to disappoint the beaming smile I got from America’s favorite hero.
“Thanks…” I walked back into my room, removing the hair wrap and grabbing headphones. Back in the living room I grabbed a book I was re-reading for the fifth time, before settling myself into the old faithful chair. Casper stretched from his position on the arm rest and sauntered about before settling in beside Cap.
“You finished The Hobbit already?” Steve had caught sight of my book, The Lord of the Rings book one.
“Two days ago,” I chuckled. “You can borrow it if you want, no late fees.” I motioned at the little book shelf that held my meagre collection.
“How very generous of you.” Steve chuckled and Barnes just watched, not speaking.
“I thought so.” I smiled, slipping my headphones over my ears, tucking my feet in under me and beginning to rock slightly. The fellowship of….
The Hobbits were being saved by Tom Bombadil when worry, crept in like a fog. I looked up and saw the tension between Cap and Barnes. Pulling off the headphones I recognized why- Cap and the rest of the team were planning a mission. We were to be left behind, safe. In theory.
“Thor will be arriving any day now; we go out on Tuesday...” Steve caught my look. “It’ll be a few days at most.”
“I’m not going, am I?” I tried not to sound bitter.
“No, you’re needed here.” His eyes shifted to Bucky for a second.
“And what if someone gets hurt? I should be a part of the support team.”
“We can’t risk it. You need to stay with Buck, and the mission is…” Steve faltered under my glare, “It’s a Hydra base, we can’t risk having either of you there.”
Barnes’ body language shifted anger, fear, hatred, I really couldn’t blame him.
“I see.” And I did, but it didn’t make me feel any better.
-
Two days later I was introduced to Hawkeye. The voice was familiar and I realized he had been our pilot in Bucharest.
“Nat has told me so much about you.” Clint spoke warmly, extending his hand. I shook it smiling.
“All good things I hope?”
“Yes indeed, she doesn't usually share much...” Clint wrapped an easy arm around my and steered me from the others. We are going to get along just fine. We ended up in the kitchen discussing the merits of tea, laughing over shared experiences of being taken down by Nat.
Barnes stayed in the lounge, perfecting his stare.
Thor came on Saturday, blasting a pattern into the helipad much to Tony’s annoyance. He was loud, brash and larger than life. I wasn’t afraid of him exactly, just aware that this alien/demigod was a bit oblivious to his strength. I winced as Thor patted Steve on the back, watching him stagger under the unnecessary force.
“Thor I’d like you to meet Shay.” Tony loved a grandiose introduction.
“God of hammers,” He lifted both hands, one towards Thor, the other to me. “Meet the golden girl.”
“Gold? You make gold?” Thor was curious, taking Tony’s nickname as literal.
“No. I’m a healer. And I'm not a 'child' Stark!” I directed my gaze back to Thor and gave a small curtsey, “Sharice Wilder.”
“Thor Odinson, of Asgard.”
-
The next few days were quiet for Barnes and myself. Everyone else was busy with strategy meetings, brushing up on their own training, or prepping equipment. Nat and Hulk were busy down in a secure room, making sure the lullaby would work when it needed to. I tried not to let my companion’s anxiety leak into my mind. I was worried for the team and deeply aware of the weight of my own responsibility: protect Barnes and -if necessary- shut him down.
They left in the dark, the quinjet melting into night sky. I curled into the couch in the common room, hugging a pillow. Casper rubbed himself against my side, purring his comfort.
“They’ll be ok.” Barnes voice startled me.
“I know, it just feels…” I couldn’t find the words.
“Wrong.”
“Yeah. I just have this feeling something bad is coming.” I hadn’t shared the premonition with anyone, but now that they were gone, I couldn’t hold it in.
-
I felt my paranoia building again by the end of the first day. The people who made this place home, made it safe, they were gone. And I was left with the horrible duty of using my gift on a broken man, to keep the monster locked inside. Night fell and foreboding swelled like a lump in my throat.
“Jarvis, are we locked up?”
“All access points to this floor have been secured as you requested.” The voice floated from speakers overhead. Barnes eyes snapped to me.
“Thank you, Jarvis. Alert both of us if any attempts are made to enter.”
“Certainly Ms. Wilder.”
I met Barnes gaze. “I guess its just you and me now.” Casper chirped in protest. “And you of course, what a good guard-cat.” I petted him, breathing again. Getting up, walking the perimeter of the room trying to be discreet as I checked nooks and crannies. Down the hall. I swept through the open rooms, confirming private rooms were unoccupied and locked. Barnes watched from the door as I checked the gym.
“We can check the pool too.” He seemed to read my mind as I stood at the window looking down on the water.
He joined me in the elevator and trailed along as I checked the changing rooms and walked the perimeter of the pool. We then returned to my suite, and I locked the door.
“Can’t you just-” he wiggled his fingers, “to check for people?”
I settled, sighing into the couch. “I suppose so. But my brain-” I tapped my temple “-wouldn’t be convinced. There could be a device or a person there that I didn’t sense.”
This was the most conversation we’d had yet, but I was tired and didn’t want to explain my sudden insecurity. Those unfathomable eyes watching me from his position against the wall. Finally, he retreated to his room and I prepared to sleep, grabbing my pillow and blanket from my bed, dragging them to the couch. I was relatively comfortable but sleep still came slowly.