Fandral hadn’t really known how to react to the news that Loki was still alive. That he had attacked Midgard for power. That he was imprisoned. That he wasn’t there at the sentence. He had been in the training grounds, working with the new recruits, alone, he hadn’t found it suspicious. Now he did. Now he understood why Sif had insisted he take over for her. The excuses were perfect. She wasn’t well; Volstagg wanted time with family and Hogun was on Vanaheim visiting his.
What hurt most was the fact that he found out through some of the older guards. Accidentally over-hearing them when they walked past him, not realising who they were passing, clearly, otherwise he was sure they’d stay quiet. What hurt was that Thor hadn’t thought to tell him after the sentencing. And it had apparently been two days.
He had been furious. Refusing to acknowledge his friends, avoiding Thor, making sure he knew where they were so that he could stay away.
And Odin had told the guards he wasn’t allowed to see Loki. As if he might break him out or something. It hurt. The King of Asgard didn’t trust him. He was surprised he was still leader of the Warrior’s Three. He was surprised he was even allowed on Palace grounds.
He wasn’t surprised by the quick upstart of talk from the people who worked in the Palace. Before they realised he was near, he could hear them, even when he was near and they thought they were quiet enough; He could hear them.
Whispers about how sad it must have been for him. How betrayed he must feel. When would he turn against Asgard? Follow in his lover’s footsteps? Go on his own rampage. Try and take over Midgard himself.
He felt like he was losing his mind and the confidence of everyone, including his friends -but to be quite honest, he wasn’t helping the situation- all because of Loki. He didn’t blame him, no, he could never blame Loki. He blamed whatever it was that got him this way. Probably Odin. Probably whatever had happened after he fell off the bridge.
Fandral had endured it for a week. A whole week before he stormed into the dungeons and went to see Loki. He had taken out all the guards, only temporarily, he wasn’t about to kill them; He’d lose everything if he did. But he needed to see Loki, to understand what had happened to him. And that meant he needed time. He didn’t care if Heimdall went and told Odin, he’d have time.
When he had reached Loki’s cell, he saw that he was lying on his bed, reading, which didn’t come as much of a shock, although he expected Loki to possibly start pacing the cell instead.
“Ah, brother, come to gloat?” Loki didn’t look away from his book and Fandral felt a little disappointed,
“I know we look a little alike, but I had thought you would recognise me, Loki.” Fandral felt a lump in his throat as he spoke, watching Loki carefully as he stiffened, one of the few hints that he had reacted at all, the other being his wide eyes.
He quickly schooled his features and turned a lazy smirk on Fandral. “How unexpected. When you hadn’t appeared that first day nor the second, I had assumed you’d forgotten about me or merely decided I wasn’t worth your time. A relic to be forgotten.”
Fandral sighed, watching carefully as Loki sat up swiftly, placing the book on a small table before standing and approaching the barrier, hands behind his back, “I didn’t forget you. I had only found out two days after the sentencing, Loki-”
“Ah, and then you decided I wasn’t worth your precious time. Tell me, what did Odin offer you to come and interrogate me? A title?” Loki’s expression betrayed nothing, Fandral’s, on the other hand showed brief hurt, anger, before he had calmed himself again,
“I wasn’t allowed to see you. I had to wait. Obviously not long enough, but I was impatient-”
“Come to laugh at the little Frost Giant, have you?”
Fandral stopped, blinking in surprise, “I beg your pardon?”
Loki glared at him for a moment before realisation dawned on him, “Oh, you didn’t know.” He laughed, “Well, this is certainly amusing. Thor and Odin kept it from you. How quaint.” He shook his head, smirking once more, he leaned closer, Fandral’s breath stuttered for a second, “I’m not like you.” He whispered, “I’ve always been a little too cold, haven’t I?” He watched the realisation hit his former-lover, “Yes, that’s right,” He straightened, voice back to its normal volume, “I’m the monster you feared.” Tell me that it’s not my fault.
Fandral gaped, “You are a Jötunn?” He wasn’t disgusted by the revelation, in fact it had explained a lot about Loki, it didn’t matter to him where Loki came from, only that he was his. Tell me that you’re still mine.
“Yes, rather small for one, don’t you think?”
Fandral stepped closer to the barrier, “Loki-”
“Oh stop using that voice!” Loki snapped, “I do not care for you and your pitiful Asgardian feelings! Leave me be, tell Odin that he can expect nothing of me!” Tell me that I’m all you want.
“I do not care for Odin!” Fandral snapped back, Loki looked down at him in shock, “I do not care about his pathetic paranoia or his dangerous judgements! I care for you, Loki, as hard as that has seemingly come to be! I care for you just like I always have, I just wanted to understand.” His voice grew weaker as he kept eye contact with Loki, who continued to stay stunned, “I care for you and I always will, Asgardian or Frost Giant, Dwarf or Vanir. I do not care for your origins. Just you. The fact that you have forgotten that tells me that more happened after…” Fandral swallowed the lump in his throat, “After you fell. And it hurts me to know that this is what you had become in all that time. That you had been gone for so long, that you would think I would lose my love for you.” Fandral took in a shaky breath, “My being here is going to get me into trouble once the guards awaken. And I am prepared to deal with the consequences because I have gotten to see you again. I have been grieving for three years. And knowing that you are still alive has made me happier than you could ever believe. I just wished I had seen you sooner, or that you weren’t behind this barrier. That I could embrace you. But alas, I cannot.” He smiled slightly, sadly, “It will be worth the punishment I am sure to receive from Odin.” Tell me that we’ll be just fine.
Loki stared him down for a moment, clenching and unclenching his jaw periodically at the pure honesty coming from Fandral, he wasn’t sure how to react, a part of himself, his heart, wanted him to reach out, to tell Fandral everything, to let him know he didn’t mean to , that he just wanted someone there, that he missed him so much, that the only reason he had endured was the thought of seeing Fandral again. Instead, his brain took over before he could say anything, trapping the words in his throat and replacing them with something horrid, something dark and cruel, “How pathetic.” He sneered, his heart thrummed in his chest, “That you think I could ever love something like you.” He spat gently, Fandral steeled himself for the words, knowing in part that he could get a negative reaction, “That I could possibly look at a normal Asgardian and want him for more than to satisfy my needs. That I couldn’t pity you and do things no one would have ever wanted to do with you. Be someone no one ever wanted to be for you. I. Pitied. You. And you fell for it. The trickster’s greatest trick. And you fell for it.” He laughed mockingly, “And you thought yourself smart. You’re not smarter than a babe, Fandral. I pity your friends for putting up with you. I’m glad I am free of such a terrible burden.” He lifted his head in a show of superiority, “You are nothing to me.” Even when I break your heart.
Fandral could tell he wasn’t making much headway, that he was standing in front of a Loki he didn’t recognise. That didn’t recognise him. He trembled as he stepped back, “I do not know what happened to you in those three years,” He whispered, “But even now I love you so. And if you would ever consider giving me the time of day; I would like to get to know you again.” His eyes fell to the floor as tears welled up, missing the stricken look on Loki’s face, he turned and walked out, knowing he still had a while before the guards woke, he left for his quarters.
Loki watched Fandral go with the most vulnerable expression he had ever had. He had turned away the one who may have understood him best. Who could have helped him. Who may have been able to save him in some way. His heart ached at the thought. His mind reassured him it was for both of their safety. He didn’t fully believe it.
…
Fandral hadn’t seen Loki for two months now. Odin had placed a spell on his door preventing him from leaving his own rooms unless he was to help in a mission. Which seemed rare nowadays. His friends hadn’t visited. Thor was the only one who had tried, which was crushing. Volstagg was like an older brother to him; They were all like his older siblings. And yet not one of them came.
When Thor had tried for the first time, Fandral had screamed at him to leave. That he didn’t want to see him ever again. That it was Odin’s fault and that it was Thor’s for getting his brother -adopted- imprisoned. Thor hadn’t come back.
The only time someone visited now was when he was given food. He had no interactions with anyone. And he could just feel the rumours spreading. That he had most likely attempted to break Loki free either out of a twisted love or because Loki had him spelled. He was either a traitor or a poor, innocent little victim to Loki’s whims.
He felt like they were treating him like a petulant child and he had never resented being younger than his friends so much in his life.
It had reached the three month mark when Thor returned. Fandral had been sitting out on the balcony, glaring at the golden barrier that prevented him from leaving when he saw his friend out of the corner of his eyes, leaning against the stone banister, “Fandral…” Thor stopped himself short, unsure of how to continue, “I have good news.” He spoke softly,
“Is that so?” Fandral’s voice was void of emotion, Thor noted he looked tired, “I doubt anything you could possibly say would mean good for me.” He turned to Thor, unimpressed, “Am I to be thrown in a cell to be forgotten too?” He inquired, tilting his head, Thor frowned at the accusation,
“No! Fandral, no, I would never allow that, and you know it!” Thor reached forward, stopping when Fandral jerked back, glaring,
“Oh, no, you’d just allow your brother to be thrown in one.”
Thor gaped at him, “He murdered people-”
“Something else is wrong with him, Thor.” Fandral insisted, Thor shook his head, holding up his hands,
“This isn’t why I’m here, Fandral.” He smiled, “You are free.”
Fandral stopped for a moment, snapping his mouth shut, he turned from Thor and watched as the barrier came down, he leaned forward, shrugging off Thor’s hand on his shoulder, “I’m not going to jump.” He spat, looking down and around, doing what he hadn’t been able to do for three months. “I imagine I am on some form of probation.” He glanced at Thor from the corner of his eye, Thor shook his head,
“Free.”
Fandral sighed, he knew something else had to happen. He couldn’t just be free. Not just like that, “What is the excuse I wonder.” He looked out at the bridge. Thor tensed at that and shifted, Fandral chuckled dryly, “Oh, I knew it.” He shook his head, “Of course there’s something.”
“You were in grief.” Thor spoke carefully, as if Fandral was an easily spooked animal that needed soothing, “When you had learned of Loki’s return you had tried to keep it together, but you had a breakdown whilst in my company, and it led to you being bed ridden for three months, unable to process all that you had learned. Trying to understand.”
Fandral dropped his head against his arms, shaking it lightly, he laughed dryly, “I’m surprised there was no mention of a spell. Or the dungeons.”
“My father had my mother make them forget.” Thor admitted, Fandral’s eyes widened and his head snapped to look at Thor at neck-breaking speed,
“I-”
Thor shrugged, “We knew the risks. Now there are new guards posted at the dungeon entrance-”
“I suppose I am not allowed to go.” Fandral sneered, looking away again,
“No, I’m afraid not…” Thor muttered, shifting closer, Fandral sighed,
“What happened to him?” Fandral wondered, mostly to himself,
“He wanted a throne.”
Even Fandral could tell how much Thor didn’t believe it. “No. He wanted approval. For once in his life, he wanted Odin’s approval. And then something happened when he was gone.”
“He won’t talk-”
“He may have spoken to me.” Fandral insisted, he didn’t bother shrugging off Thor’s hand as it settled on his bicep, “If I was just allowed to see him without Odin and his ulterior motives-”
“Fandral-”
Fandral turned to him, “What?”
“Heimdall-”
“Can hear for all I care. He can go and tell Odin that I’m a traitor. That I’d just love to rip out his throat and-”
“Fandral!” Thor turned him and gripped both arms tightly, staring at him with something like concern and anger mixed together, “That is my father you are threatening! Your King!”
Fandral stared at Thor, eyes wide for a moment, tense, “Thor…” Thor seemed to relax a little, still keeping his tight grip on Fandral,
“You better choose your next words carefully.”
Fandral frowned, reaching up, he gripped Thor’s arms in turn, “And if I don’t? You’ll, what, throw me off the balcony?”
Thor tensed again, Fandral itched to grab his sword, “No. Of course not!”
“Then why am I pressed against the balcony as if such a thing is about to happen?” He asked softly, Thor blinked, looking behind Fandral and seeing he had, indeed, pushed his friend against the banister dangerously,
“I’m…”
“Don’t. I’m not about to apologise so I suggest you refrain from doing so yourself.” Fandral scoffed, noting how Thor hadn’t tried to pull them away. “And yet I stand here still risking a fall to my death. How unwarrior-like.” He mused, Thor stared at him a moment longer before deflating, laughing a little as he moved forward, pressing their foreheads together,
“What has become of us?” Thor asked brokenly, Fandral sighed, letting his friend wrap his arms around him, Fandral wrapped his own around Thor’s neck, protectively,
“Oh so many things.”
“I don’t want to fight you, Fandral.”
Fandral felt his throat go dry for a moment, “Nor I you, Thor.” He whispered back, “But I cannot just… Continue my life whilst Loki rots in the cells. Not without answers.”
“I know, but there is nothing to be done.” Thor sounded so regretful and Fandral could see it in his eyes, he thinned his lips before giving the Prince a small smile,
“Then I fear I may go mad.” Fandral watched Thor’s face go from horror at the thought to mild amusement back to horror once he realised Fandral was serious,
“Fandral-”
“Loki has been there for me and I couldn’t be there for him.” Fandral interrupted, “I have been beating myself up about it for the past three to four years. I should be angry at you. You never told me he was Jötunn after you found out. I fear that may be where it began.”
Thor sighed, bumping their noses, “I wish we could take it all back.”
“As do I. But we cannot. And I fear I may suffer an endless need to continuously see Loki and find out what happens if I am left to my own devices.” Fandral admitted, “Odin shouldn’t trust me.”
“I can convince him to let us both go. I know it.” Thor whispered, as if others may overhear, it wouldn’t stop Heimdall, but it was a nice thought that they had true privacy.
Fandral scoffed a laugh, “He may love you, Thor, and Frigga, however I doubt he would let that happen. Especially with me.”
Thor sighed, “We can always try.” He insisted, Fandral glanced away, “Fandral. We can try.”
“Yes and fail. Who’s to say he would ever accept such a thing? He wants Loki in complete isolation from anyone familiar. That means you, Frigga, Odin, Sif, Hogun, Volstagg and myself. None of us. None of us can go and see him. Ever. Not until the day we are all dead.” Fandral snapped his mouth shut when he felt his voice shake, his whole body trembled at the effort to not cry, Thor merely buried his nose in his shoulder, hugging him closer, Fandral let him, silently crying into Thor’s shoulder. “I didn’t think I had any more tears left to cry,” He joked lightly, Thor scoffed, burying a hand in his hair, “How could I ever live? Without the love of my life? How?”
Would he love me still? Even when I lose my mind?