I like the pain
Natasha is invited to a playdate with another one of the targets. This time it was a girl named Emily who wore fancy dresses to school and her hair was always perfectly curled into little brown ringlets with pink bows. She was the person that everyone wanted to be friends with and it was only because Natasha smacked her in the face with a dodgeball during gym class that Emily wanted to be her friend.
Everybody wanted Emily to like them so nobody was throwing balls at her. Natasha saw the opening but didn’t expect Emily to turn at the last moment. Emily’s perfect curls were messed up and she looked stunned as the dodge ball bounces off of the ground after it wailed her in the face. Tears well up in her eyes and Natasha’s terrified that she’s going to get into trouble.
Emily is taken to the nurse and Natasha is made to sit in time out for the rest of class.
At lunch, Emily slams her bright pink lunchbox onto the table Natasha shared with Elliot. She acts like she had sat with them every single day before then and that they were weird for staring at her in confusion.
Emily had some fancy meal Natasha had never heard of before and Emily sighs at it, poking at it with her metal fork as she props her chin on her hand.
“Uh… is something the matter, Emily?” Elliot’s the one to question her.
Emily looks up at Natasha. “Can you teach me how to throw a dodgeball?”
Natasha agreed and found herself invited over that weekend. Melina is the one that takes her and Natasha tries not to let the amazement she felt show when she saw the house that Emily lived in. It was huge and had a long winding gravel path leading up to the steps.
Emily owned more toys than even Elliot and Elliot had a lot of toys. Emily grabbed Natasha’s hand as soon as she saw her and dragged her away and up a huge staircase.
Emily’s room was entirely pink and cream colors and it made Natasha’s eyes hurt. Emily gushed over everything she had and it made Natasha feel awkward.
Natasha didn’t have as many toys. She didn’t own video gaming systems like Elliot or every single My Little Pony like Emily. She had a few toys mainly for show that were given to her by the Red Room and a few toys that Robin and Melina had gifted her for Christmas.
Emily drags Natasha around to show her everything. Emily had a pool and a whole room just for movies. It was like a movie theatre but in someone’s house. Natasha had never heard of that before.
There are people in uniform in the kitchen and Emily informs Natasha that they’re the cooks, not to be confused with the maids or butlers. Emily smiles sweetly at them and the two girls are given a handful of chocolate chip cookies.
Emily then takes Natasha out to the huge backyard and over to where some toys are stored in a shed along with expensive bicycles and tennis equipment. “I don’t have any dodgeballs but we have basketballs and tennis balls.” She then shoves part of her cookie into her mouth.
Natasha inspects the pile of assorted balls. “I can show you with a basketball.” She finally said, tentatively taking a bite of the cookie the cook had pressed into her hand. It was rich and gooey and the whole thing was gone within a few bites.
Emily grabs one of the basketballs and they head out to the tennis court next to the pool. Natasha shows Emily how to aim and then how to throw. They then take turns tossing the ball back and forth.
Everything was going well until Emily threw it a bit too hard to the right and it bounced right off the metal pole holding the net in the ground and slammed into Natasha’s face.
Natasha is knocked over with the force, sprawled along the tennis court as her face throbs. She immediately tastes metal as warmth flows down her face.
“You’re bleeding!” Emily gasps out in horror, clamping her hands over her mouth before her eyes dart around. “I’ll go get help.” She turns and darts off the courtyard, yelling for her daddy.
Natasha sits up slowly and red splatters onto the green tennis court. Natasha tries to stop the bleeding but blood is just gushing from her nose.
Melina is suddenly there, kneeling at her side and urging Natasha to look up so she can see the damage done. “I think you have a fracture.” Melina frowns as she gingerly prods around Natasha’s nose.
Natasha tries to sit still but her face is throbbing hard and her head hurts. She’s getting blood everywhere including the nice tennis court floor and expensive basketball.
“I didn’t mean to,” Emily rocks on her feet, peering up at her father who had set a hand onto her shoulder. “It was an accident.”
“I know,” Melina soothes her and Natasha accepts the wad of napkins one of the maids brings. Melina scoops her up and Natasha wraps the arm not pressing the napkins to her face around Melina’s neck. “Natasha’s mama is a doctor, she’ll be able to fix her.”
Emily nods her head and looks up at Natasha. “I’m sorry. Do you still want to be my friend?”
If they were in the Red Room, Natasha would be dead. Once the basketball hit her face, Emily would have taken the opening and snapped her neck. She certainly wouldn’t be asking if they were still friends. They wouldn’t even be friends.
Natasha can’t have friends. If she makes connections then they’re endangered by the Red Room and just her associating with them.
But Emily looks genuinely sorry and she’s looking up at Natasha with a hopeful gaze. Natasha was supposed to get close to her so their parents could interact. This was her mission. “Yes.” Natasha’s voice was muffled by the napkins but Emily’s face lights up.
It’s not until they’re in the car that Melina asks Natasha if she’s okay. Natasha’s face hurts a lot but she pushes the pain away, reassuring Melina that she’s okay.
Melina doesn’t look convinced and called Robin ahead of time to warn her that Natasha was hurt.
Melina carries Natasha up to the house despite the fact Natasha could still walk. Robin opens the door and automatically reaches for Natasha. “My poor baby.” She murmurs and Melina passes Natasha over to her.
Natasha liked it whenever Robin called her ‘my baby’. Natasha’s original parents didn’t want her, they chucked her away like trash. But Robin never failed to remind Natasha that she was hers. Natasha can pretend she’s a normal little girl and that Robin is her actual mama.
Robin carries her upstairs and into her office, setting Natasha down onto the examination table. She turns on a lamp nearby and aims it at her face. Natasha squints at the harsh light as Robin grabs a wet cloth to clean up the drying blood coating her face.
Robin pokes and prods quietly for a few moments and Natasha holds her breath and hopes that it’s not broken.
Robin finally pulls back, tossing the wad of bloodied napkins in the trashcan as she exchanges them for fresh tissues. “Good news. It’s not broken. It’ll be badly bruised and a little swelling but your nose was spared.”
Natasha feels silly for her overreaction with the pain. It wasn’t broken, it shouldn’t hurt so much. It’s just a bruise and Natasha has had much worse bruises than this.
“What’s on your mind?” Robin asked Natasha as she turns the lamp off. Natasha hesitates, unsure if she should reply. Robin turns to glance at her and raised her eyebrow. That meant she genuinely wanted to know.
“My face hurts.” Natasha replies quietly. “It shouldn’t hurt so much.”
Robin seems to understand what she didn’t say, scooping her up and pressing a kiss to the side of her head. Natasha lets out a soft sigh as Robin cups the back of her head. “You are allowed to feel pain and you are allowed to express it.”
Natasha rests her cheek onto Robin’s shoulder, closing her eyes because her face hurts. “It hurts, mama.” She whispers. She knows her mama wouldn’t punish her for these types of things.
“I know, my sweet baby,” Robin sways side to side, the rocking motion soothing. “Let’s get some ice on your face.”
Natasha liked it when she got hurt sometimes because then she had her mama’s undivided attention. She liked the feeling of being comforted but had a hard time accepting comfort when she didn’t deserve it or earn it. Even now, after nearly breaking her nose with a basketball, Robin carries her downstairs and gets a bag of frozen peas from the freezer that they keep to feed the ducks. Robin sits down on the couch with Natasha settled in her lap and presses the ice to her face.
It’s cold and uncomfortable but Natasha gets to be close with her mama and she gets her hair played with and if Yelena asks to sit on Robin's lap too then Robin tells her not now because Natasha wasn’t feeling well.
Natasha wishes she could store up all the comfort she gets to use later on when they’re back in the Red Room. Robin promised that she was going to kill the General and get them back out and Robin doesn’t break her promises.
But Natasha had to prepare for the worst. She had to prepare herself that Robin might just be making empty promises or straight-up lying.
Natasha so desperately wants to believe her mama but until they’re safe and Natasha has seen the General’s body, she can’t. Natasha has to keep herself safe and that means that she has to prepare herself to get hurt.
That doesn’t mean that Natasha can’t absorb all the snuggles she can while they’re still time though.