What if...
Robin doesn’t feel as though she can sleep. Each time she tries the crushing terror of ‘what ifs’ lurked in the back of her head.
What if Belka came back? What if General Dreykov called her back? What if they hurt her girls more? What if they actually killed her this time?
Melina knew she wasn’t sleeping. Robin knew she knew.
Melina stays up with Robin, pressed against her side as the two lay in silence and Robin takes comfort in the fact that Melina was showing her support, even without asking questions.
Natasha starts showing up a few times a week in the middle of the night, standing at the side of the bed where Robin was and would wait for Robin to notice her.
Robin never turns Natasha away when she shows up. She knows that Natasha will not show up unless she absolutely needs to. That Natasha is too proud and trained to show up unless she was terrified.
Robin will lift the sheets to the bed and Natasha will climb up and onto Robin so that she can feel Melina as well. Robin will cuddle Natasha as the child curled up into a tiny ball and leans against her.
Yelena had started having nightmares about the ‘bad man’. The whole situation unsettled everyone and Robin will never forgive them for hurting and scaring her girls.
Robin stays awake and listens for the sounds of her girls, their breathing and their heartbeat. The assurance that they’re alive.
Robin loses sleep but she doesn’t care. Not when her frame starts to curl in on itself tiredly or when her eyes feel heavy.
Robin is tired but she can’t sleep because if she sleeps then her family is vulnerable.
And then she comes across one of their neighbors when she’s taking Yelena to the park while Natasha is at school and Melina is at work.
“The General is going to get you killed at this rate,” The woman with the dog comments and Robin goes rigid, glancing at the toddler giggling as the dog shoves his nose against Yelena’s face.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Robin replies evenly and the woman gives a smile that makes it look like she’s apologetic.
“Do you really think the same set of men coming and dragging you in and out of the house has gone unnoticed? You’re not the only plant in the neighborhood and the ones that aren’t assume that you’re in the mafia.”
Robin doesn’t know what to do with the new information. She stays silent and the woman whistles, calling the dog back to her side.
“Carry a weapon and make it clear that you’ll meet with them somewhere and not the other way around.” The woman said and Robin doesn’t know why she’s offering advice. “Make it clear that you’re not a doctor.”
Robin jerks at the last sentence. “You know who I am?”
The woman lets out a dry grin. “I know all about General’s pretty songbird.” She said and Robin tenses up. “Calm down. My name is Rosalie. This is my companion, Maggie.”
The dog wags its tail at her name.
“Robin,” The tall woman replies, reaching out to brush her hand over Yelena’s hair. “This is my daughter, Yelena.”
Rosalie lets out a hum and Robin glances around the empty street before asking her question. “Are you a spider?”
A chuckle escapes the woman’s lips. “Not quite. Just a soldier. Lower on the rank than you.” Rosalie replies with a hum. She then starts listing numbers and Robin scrambles to file them away to try and understand what they meant later.
Rosalie leaves first, Maggie trotting alongside her as they head down the street.
“Doggie, mama!” Yelena bounces on her feet, tilting her head back to look up at Robin. “Nice doggie!”
“Yes, little one,” Robin scoops Yelena up into her arms, peppering her face with kisses. Yelena giggles, squirming happily in Robin’s arms.
Later on, while on the walk back home, Robin will look at the golden numbers on the side of her mailbox and pause before looking at the other mailboxes.
The numbers Rosalie had given her were house numbers. Addresses.
Five plants in the neighborhood. Five spies to report back to the General.
Five people to turn blind eyes to whatever happened at Robin’s house.
Robin pulls Melina aside as soon as she arrives home to speak about it.
Melina watches as Robin paces agitatedly and relays the information Rosalie had given her.
“That makes sense,” Melina finally spoke softly, her eyes following as Robin paces the length of the room. “Are you… are you okay?”
Robin swallows hard, her mouth tastes sour and her stomach churns uneasily. “No.”
Melina steps forward toward her, blocking the path that Robin had been pacing. Robin stops in her place, watching as Melina’s hand reaches up and cups her face gently.
“It’s alright, my love,” Melina said softly, her thumbs gently stroking Robin’s cheeks. “I know that you will keep us safe.”
Robin tiredly leaned into the touch, daring to let her eyes flutter shut. “I will.” Robin swore, reaching up to cup her hand over Melina’s.
“You haven’t been sleeping,” Melina continues and Robin shrinks in on herself because it was useless to deny it. “You need to sleep, my love.”
“I can’t…” Robin admits, squeezing her eyes shut. “If I fall asleep then I’m going to have night terrors. I know that.”
“You look after me when I have them,” Melina reminds her, her thumb gently brushing over Robin’s eyelids. “Why do you think I won’t look after you in turn?”
Robin can’t help but nuzzle into the kind touch. “I don’t know…”
Melina’s other hand moves up to cup the back of Robin’s neck and guides her head down to kiss her forehead.
“I’m so tired,” Robin’s voice cracks at the confession, Melina’s gentle touch making her come undone.
“I know,” Melina’s voice was soft as she pulls Robin into her arms. “I’m right here. We’ll be okay.”
“I’m terrified that the General is going to kill one of you. That the next time I come home then one of you will be dead or gone and I’ll have failed--” Tears well up in Robin’s eyes, rolling down her cheeks as she slowly cracks.
“Shh,” Melina guides Robin’s head to her shoulder, her fingers carding through the short dark hair on her head. “You can cry, Robin. Just like I can.”
Robin bites down on her lower lip to muffle the whine that threatened to escape her lips as a sob crawls up her throat.
“It’s alright, lovely,” Melina soothes softly as Robin falls apart. “I’ve got you.”
Robin buries her face to Melina’s shoulder, taking in the scent that she had started to associate with love and softness. With a type of love that she had never experienced before her. Safety. Security.
They stand in Robin’s office, Melina holding her close, until Natasha interrupts them.
Natasha pauses in the doorway, clearly unsure of if she should speak up or leave and act like she had seen nothing.
Robin pulls her face away from Melina’s shoulder and Natasha’s eyes zero in on Robin’s face.
Robin knows that she looks like she’d been crying. She’s not ashamed to show this side to Natasha. Tears are natural human emotions.
Natasha crosses the room and wraps her arms around Robin’s waist tightly.
Melina steps back and leaves to fetch Yelena. Robin feels Natasha bury her face into her stomach.
“Does me crying frighten you?” Robin questioned, resting a hand onto the head of copper hair.
“Handlers don’t cry,” Natasha mumbles against Robin’s shirt. “Ever.”
“I do,” Robin smoothes back Natasha’s hair before grasping her chin and tilting her head up. “I’m a human being too. I have tears and I cry just like everybody else.”
“Why are you sad?” Natasha asked her, her green eyes flickering to look over Robin’s face as she searches for some indication of why Robin was crying.
“I’m just tired,” Robin said softly and Natasha nods her head.
“Okay,” Natasha murmurs before pulling away and reaching her arms up in a sign that Robin recognized as Natasha wanting to be held.
Robin hoists the girl up onto her hip and Natasha wraps her arms around Robin’s neck. Robin paused when she feels Natasha press her lips against Robin’s temple just as Robin had done hundreds of times to Natasha.
“Thank you, sweetheart” Robin takes a deep breath to stop herself from crying again at the affection that Natasha had felt safe enough to show.
Robin climbs into bed that night after the children have been settled down in their own. She’s surprised when Melina pulls her into her arms.
Robin usually held Melina. Melina confessed quietly to Robin that being held when she slept helped keep the nightmares at bay. So Robin always let Melina rest her head onto her chest and cuddled her close at night.
This time, Melina guides Robin’s head to rest on her chest instead. “You need to sleep.”
Robin swallows hard, letting Melina pull her close and curl around her. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Then try. For me?” Melina asked and Robin’s resolve crumbles at that.
“Okay… for you, sweet girl,” Robin said quietly and Melina spends the night stroking Robin’s hair and humming some lullabies in Russian.
Robin does eventually manage to fall asleep, listening to the sound of Melina’s heartbeat and the feeling of gentle fingers in her hair.
She doesn’t have a nightmare.