I always get home before Buck. It gives me about two hours to clean up and make dinner before he walks through the door. And normally that’s exactly what he gets to come home to.
Today was different.
We’ve both struggled with the world since the blip. I mean… who wouldn’t?? He struggled with things that I didn’t fully understand, which often led to him making a spot to sleep on our living room floor. I struggle with things that I don’t even fully understand so I don’t expect him to get me perfectly but he tries.
I sat in our bed with candles lit around me, trying to calm my thoughts. My journal and a couple books spread on the blankets.
“Hey, baby?” Oh gosh. He was probably seeing the clothes, unfolded, piled on the couch. Or the dishes from last night still in the sink. Or the oven completely empty with no dinner ready. Then he walked into our room. “What ya doin?” He made me smile when he used a sing song-y voice. “Babe?”
“Hi, buck.” I stayed on my side, facing the opposite wall… hoping I wouldn’t have to explain.
But then I felt the bed dip behind me and I heard the books being stacked on top of each other. His metal arm came to wrap around my waist, his head rested on my back. I could feel his hand drawing circles on my tummy; he knew I couldn’t resist that. “You okay?” As he spoke, his mouth left small kisses up my shoulder to my cheek. I nodded. He hummed against me. “Wanna talk?”
I didn’t answer. If I did, I would just be in tears and I didn’t want him to have to deal with that. Maybe if I stay quiet he’ll let me wallow some more. But he stayed right there. I felt him move his body closer to me. His chest rose and fell with my own. I closed my eyes and leaned back into him. He gave one more kiss to my shoulder before holding on tighter to my waist. The lights from the street were coming in through the windows, the candles made the room smell homey, the blankets were soft beneath us, and Bucky kept burying his head in my hair in an attempt to get me to look at him.
I finally did. I put my hands up to his cheeks as he ran his hand up my back. He smiled so big when I finally looked into his eyes. “There’s my baby.” Bucky leant in and kissed my forehead. Oh my god. This man. If only he knew how much he lit up my world. “Wanna talk now?” I chewed on my lip and stared at… well, anywhere that wasn’t his face. And shook my head. “Okay.” He whispered. “Well…” He moved to he was laying on his back and moved me so I could lay my head on his chest. “… have you had dinner? There’s leftover pizza from last night.” I smiled into his shirt. “Pizza is really our only option. I have to go to the market tomorrow.” I laughed because it was true. I think he had some rice and weeks old salad. “I’ll take that as a yes to pizza. I’ll be right back.” And he got up.
Buck stood in front of the microwave with two plates of pizza. He’s cute. God. I moved to him and pressed my cheek into his back, arms around his stomach. And squeezed. “Sure. Take out your emotions on me.” He said flatly. I knew he was joking so I squeezed even harder and giggled, too. He turned in my arms and looked down at me.
“I’m sorry.” I don’t even know why today was a hard day. Nothing significant happened. I should feel okay. He just looked at me.
“Doll.” He bent down to meet me face to face. “Why are you apologizing.” I shrugged. “Don’t. You don’t like when I apologize when I feel bad. It’s okay.” He kissed between my eyebrows. And the microwave beeped. “Pizza!” His arms shot from me to the plates. I held on to his waist as he attempted to walk back to our room. “If I drop these pizzas then you’re going to have to apologize.” He put them on the table beside the bed and lifted me to sit on the bed. I put my arms out for him to join me and he did. He sat right beside me and handed me my plate.
“I love you.” I said and smiled up at him, mouth filled to the brim with pizza. And we both busted out laughing until he was done with whatever was in his mouth.
“I love you, too.” I finished mine first and laid my head in his lap. Why is there so much comfort in Bucky? Just knowing he’s near me makes my heart calm. I could stay here all day. He never tells me I’m too much or belittles how I feel. He just sits and feels with me. And I love him for that. He makes me believe in soulmates because no one has ever understood me the way Bucky does. When I fall asleep at night, I know he’s there to whisper his love for me.
And when I wake up, it’s in a world where Bucky is a fictional character and I’m alone again.