16.
Steve never had a problem to recognize when something was bothering Tony. He was mostly silent, walking past other people as if he didn't see them at all, and when he did open his mouth, his tongue was more venomous than usual. And he'd been pouring himself alcohol since he woke up. But it was best seen in his posture. His jaw was always clenched tight, his shoulders tense, and his eyes were as icy and dark as night. At that moment, Steve knew it was best to stay away.
So when Tony crept past him at noon, dragging an aura of darkness and doom behind him, Steve didn't even try to initiate a conversation. As he silently slid his lunch plate towards him, Tony put at least a half smile on his lips for a second before he grabbed the plate along with the entire pot of coffee and disappeared back into the workshop. Steve looked after him, wondering what could have happened.
Tony must have gotten back very late the previous evening, Steve had been asleep - or trying to get back to sleep, anyway - so he had no idea if he'd brought the bad mood from the party at Starks Industries or woken up with it.
Several times Stevee thought he might go and talk to him, but he didn't. He knew that if Tony wanted to talk, he would come himself when he felt up to it. So Steve gave him space and sincerely hoped his bad mood didn't stem from that one kiss.
Steve was minding his own business. He caught up on his work, wrote up reports for Fury on the newcomers he, Natasha and Clint had been working with; and started looking for an apartment again, this time alone. Jarvis offered him help but Steve declined. Over the past few weeks he had learned to use Google and the whole Starkpad in general quite proficiently and was duly proud of himself. It wasn't so difficult after all, in fact, he was enjoying it. And when he found out what a large library of e-books he had access to, he hadn’t let the Starkpad out of his hands.
It was a little after three in the afternoon when there was a knock on his door. Steve looked up in surprise. He hadn't had any visitors since he'd moved here - not that he'd had many before.
Tony stood at the door, dressed in a coat with fur around the hood. He was holding a large bouquet. He didn't look up when Steve opened the door, just sighed and asked, "I know you have better things to do, but could you come with me now?"
Steve didn’t think for a long time. Something made him agree almost immediately. It was the tired, weak tone in Tony’s voice and the look on his face.
He picked up his jacket, turned off the light, and walked with Tony to the garage without a word. He kept half a step behind him, silently looking him over, wondering what it was all about. His mind was full of bad scenarios, but the bouquet only fit into one.
His assumption was confirmed after nearly half an hour's drive. Tony had chosen a different, larger car this time, so Steve had plenty of leg and headroom and was grateful for it. Neither spoke the whole time, Tony just sighed and rubbed his forehead a few times. When they parked in front of the cemetery, Steve's stomach clenched.
"Want me to come with you?" he asked, his gaze still fixed out the window. Tony grunted in agreement.
"Yeah. Normally I go alone, but this year... I don't know, something's different. I guess I'm too sober," he laughed dryly and got out. Steve followed him, they weaved their way through the tombstones together, and it occurred to him that he should go visit his mom. He hadn't been to see her in an awfully long time.
All the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place the moment they stood in front of two identical tombstones. Maria Stark and Howard Stark, it read, date of death December 16, 1991. On December 16th... That was today. Tony's bad mood, the bouquet, and his request for Steve to accompany him immediately made more sense.
When he opened his eyes again, Tony was giving him an eloquent look. He understood him right away, he didn't have to ask. He smiled gently and motioned with his head to one of the stone benches under a nearby tree.
"I'm going to sit down. If you need anything, let me know."
Tony gave him a brief grateful smile, his eyes still sunken before he turned back to the headstones and squatted down while Steve willingly gave him space and privacy. He sat down on the cold stone, hands tucked into his pockets, and watched the slowly darkening sky through the tree branches.
It was an awkward situation Tony had put them in, but Steve felt oddly honoured. He'd known Tony for a long time and knew that he rarely really confided or let anyone help him with anything. And yet, they talked together, even about things as deep and painful as Howard. He let Steve get close and reveal a part of his true broken self.
Hold me together.
With gritted teeth, he ran his palm over his chest. His heart still clenched painfully whenever he remembered that sentence. He wanted to be there for Tony, to help him through the hard times, and he was glad Tony wasn't pushing him away. It was more like he welcomed Steve's presence. He trusted him.
He straightened up and his gaze wandered to Tony. He sat down on the ground, his back against his mother's tombstone, his father's behind him. Steve could see his lips moving, and if he really concentrated, he was sure he could hear what he was saying. But he didn't.
He watched him in silence, looking him over, replaying the events of the last few weeks over and over in his mind. It shouldn't be that surprising, should it? In fact, Tony had already said so, recently in his office. He'd said he trusted Steve. But only now was Steve beginning to realize just how deep Tony's trust was. And it seemed to be growing. Suddenly he felt special, valuing his trust as much as he dreaded it. Tony's trust was so fragile.
He hid a wide smile behind his hand as he looked at Tony again. He seemed to relax, making sweeping gestures with his hands, a smile adorning his mouth.
Steve shivered as a cold wind picked up. The sun was almost over the horizon now, and the air had cooled enough to make even Steve feel chilly. He stood up and strode over to the graves. Tony was already silent, yet he was still smiling and his eyes were brighter than before. He looked relaxed and content as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Steve shook his hand.
"Come on, let's get you somewhere warm," he said solicitously. Tony didn't argue, with his help, he got to his feet and before Steve could say or do anything else, Tony wrapped both arms around his waist. Steve stiffened for a moment but then relaxed again and smiled indulgently.
"Just a minute," Tony grumbled into his coat. He couldn't help but nod. He pulled him tightly against him and buried his nose in his hair. Immediately, Tony's distinctive scent that he loved so much surrounded him, and when the other man didn't show a single sign of disapproval, he stayed that way for a few more minutes.
"I'll take you out to eat, how about that?" he asked in a whisper. Tony cocked his head, looking up at him, that all too familiar mischievous gleam in his eyes.
"I'd better take you. There's no way your hands are touching the steering wheel of my car, supersoldier," he teased. There was that brief moment when they just stared at each other and were silent. Steve swallowed and lowered his gaze to Tony's lips before looking up at those warm brown eyes again.
Tony loosened his grip. He slowly released him from the hug but threw an arm over his shoulders as they stepped toward the car. Tony leaned into him without a word, and Steve could have sworn he heard him purr contentedly. But he might as well have been dreaming.
"A cheeseburger is just the best food in the world and you can't convince me otherwise," Tony said before biting into the grease-soaked thing with a gourmet smile. Steve just looked at him. It was almost unbelievable what kind of eating habits Tony had. He loved fast food and obviously thought that the greasier the better. Still, he never refused any of Steve's meals and always returned his plate empty. He didn't grumble about healthy eating, he didn't complain and just ate. Steve had to admit with shame that he always felt like a proud mother whose child enjoyed her cooking. But he would never admit it out loud.
Steve looked around silently. It was just a habit, just an embrace of the situation and reassurance that they were in no danger. He ended up watching other people more out of curiosity.
They were in the same mall as last time, and there were perhaps even more people. Christmas was around the corner and everyone was trying to get all of the Christmas presents. He watched tired women in long coats carrying heavy bags in one hand and clutching their children's hands in the other. He watched similarly tired men looking at lists, trying to find the right shops and right things. They all carried large overstuffed bags, wrapping paper and huge boxes. Christmas carols filled the air, Christmas decorations hung from the ceiling and a huge Christmas tree stood in the middle of the centre, reaching all the way to the top floor. A huge golden star glittered on its top. But it was impossible to say that he could feel the spirit of Christmas in it.
He had the impression that everything was... cluttered. And rushed. There were too many things and decorations everywhere, and the commercials only talked about the latest toys sure to delight your children. It was too much. At least from Steve's point of view.
He remembered that Christmas was never lavish, but he and his parents were together. Dad had even put down the bottle, dressed decently, and gotten a tree. The last Christmas with him Steve remembered well, it had been one of the best. He got a model aeroplane from his father. They sat together on the floor until lunchtime, carefully glueing it together. Steve never threw it away, it hung over his bed as a child and later he kept it in his closet.
When his dad died, he spent the holidays with just his mom, and he enjoyed that too. They baked cookies together, and when they were lucky, Mom got a piece of turkey from the butcher. They ate together and then went to midnight mass. Steve even sang Christmas carols with the other kids just to make his mother happy. She always had tears in her eyes and looked at him with pride and love in her eyes.
In the morning, they unwrapped their presents. Steve usually drew or made something for her, but later, when he was working himself, he would buy her presents. Always just a little something, they didn't have the money to splurge, but he just wanted to make her happy. For the last Christmas, he bought her a pair of dark leather gloves. They were really expensive and he saved up for them all year, but he never regretted the purchase. It was worth it to watch her face light up and her eyes fill with tears again. She held him in her arms, kissing his cheeks and thanking him over and over again.
The fleeting touch of rough fingers on his wrist brought him back to reality. He blinked and met the warm gaze of brown eyes.
"You okay?" Tony asked, concern reflected in his voice.
"Yeah. Yeah, ‘m fine," he nodded and shook his head slightly, trying to push the memories away. "All right, I've been thinking."
"OK..." Tony didn't pull his hand away, continuing to rest it on Steve's and stare into his eyes. Then he smiled. His mouth parted into that wide, happy smile, a genuine smile that deepened the lines all over his face and made it brighten.
Tony nodded, crumpling the cheeseburger paper into a ball. "Since we're having such a good time together, why not ruin it with work?" He teased, and Steve just nodded resignedly. They'd been planning a similar conversation for a long time, but something always got in the way. Tony was unusually busy towards the end of the year, and SHIELD didn’t give Steve a moment's rest. They weren't in the best place right now, but they had time, and they had to take advantage of it.
"I went to talk to some people from the university," Steve began slowly, straightening his back. "The professors obliged and helped me get hold of the students who were on campus when the incident with the Hulk happened. They didn't tell me much, though." He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I showed them a picture of Daniel Hernandez, but no one knew him. One lady said he was sitting next to her in class that day, but she said she'd never seen him before. And the information he gave the school-"
"It was a dead end," Tony finished, nodding. "I know, I looked into it too. The phone number is disconnected and his supposed residence is an empty lot. I had Jarvis keep an eye on him in case he shows up anywhere on the cameras. I got some footage, but it's useless. We know what he looks like, but I can't for the love of god find out who the hell he is. He's like a ghost."
Steve frowned. He sincerely hoped Tony would have some information. Something that would move them on. But no luck, they were still at an impasse. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
He understood very quickly that no one could just disappear at this time. Every person was leaving a trail of digital footprints behind them, whether it was credit card payments or internet activity. Every American had to have a Social Security Number to work, have a bank account, or apply for a driver's license. Living incognito was just not possible, and certainly not in New York. Unless...
"Could it be an agent?" He asked in a muffled voice, though he was sure no one was listening. Tony shrugged.
"Yeah, but not from SHIELD. I've looked into that too. Actually I looked at that right away, remember that video Bruce was talking about." He winked at him. "So yeah, the agent theory is very plausible, but he's not working under SHIELD. Unless they don't have him in the system. You know, someone undercover to do the dirty work."
Steve nodded. He wasn't sure if SHIELD employed someone like that, but he honestly wouldn't be surprised. "But if you're right, then we're just at another dead end."
"Unfortunately," he agreed, taking a sip. Steve watched as Tony's tongue played flamboyantly with the straw, moving it from one side of his lips to the other. Heat washed over him, his mouth went dry and a wave of excitement settled low in his stomach.
"We'd better keep an eye on Dr. Banner," he remarked slowly, thanking God he sounded calm despite the storm that was brewing in his body. "If our theory is correct, they certainly won't stop at just provoking him like this. They were on to something."
"Yeah, except we don't know what it was or who they are." Tony rolled his eyes and continued to fiddle with his straw. Stevevi's mind was forming a completely detailed idea of what else Tony's mouth could do like that, and the straw certainly didn't figure in it. He staggered back in his chair, his jeans pinching his crotch uncomfortably.
"But I agree with you. Hey, I can move Bruce into the tower," he suggested enthusiastically, setting the cup down on the table. "We'll keep an eye on him and he'll be excited about my labs."
"Sounds good, Tony," he agreed with a smile, clearing his throat. His voice was husky in a way that Tony really didn't need to hear. He flashed a questioning look over the rim of his glasses at Steve but otherwise didn't respond, for which Steve was grateful. It would be hard to come up with a satisfying lie, especially now that all the blood was going to his crotch.
He closed his eyes for a few seconds and allowed himself three deep breaths, trying to calm down. Not that it was working. He was aware of Tony's presence and his scent came to his mind again, captivating and sensual, which only added to his arousal.
"You're kind of off today, Steve. Is everything okay?" Tony asked, and Steve felt those rough fingers on his hand again. He swallowed hard and, perhaps by sheer force of will, held back a whimper of utterly undignified arousal.
"All is right," he assured him quickly and took a sip of his drink to soothe his dry throat. Tony's touch was like an electric shock. His fingers ran gently over the back of Steve’s hand and Steve longed to take them in his own hands and lick every inch of skin. Every callus, every scar, every burn. He loved Tony's hands, calloused and strong, with long fingers...
Steve was glad there was a table between them. The thought of Tony knowing about his erection was terrifying and utterly arousing at the same time. Steve's common sense was still on, though, and he hadn't done anything stupid. He just needed to calm down, to think about something other than making love to the amazing genius sitting across from him.
The table creaked as Tony leaned his elbows on it, leaning in close enough that Steve could feel his hot breath on his face. Brown eyes stared at him from under half-closed lids, lips curled into a mischievous smile. Steve froze, just waiting to see what he would do.
"If I didn't know you," he whispered, his voice an octave lower than usual, "I'd think you were thinking of something inappropriate..."
Steve felt his boot on his leg, running down his calf, while his fingers still lightly rubbed Steve's hand. He forced himself to breathe slower and steadier, this was going too far. Tony was toying with him and it was up to Steve whether or not he agreed to the game. He was sure it was just a game. This was what Tony did, he played with people for fun. There was no way it could be real.
"Aren't you overreacting?"
"Me?" Tony arched his eyebrows in a surprised grimace, but the mischievous light never left his eyes. "I'm not doing anything, Steve. You are. Tell me, what kind of naughty stuff can our innocent Captain America possibly be thinking about?"
That one word made Steve agree to the game. Innocent. He'd expected anything from Tony, but not this. He studied his expression, but he didn't seem to mean it as a joke. He was completely serious. He really thought...
Steve smiled. "Tony..." he uttered slowly, "you really think I'm innocent?"
He saw the uncertainty flash in Tony’s eyes. He pulled away from Steve a little, stopped stroking his hand and just looked at him searchingly. "Are you not?"
"You want to find out?"
Wrong question, Rogers!
"Maybe."
Even worse answer, Stark!
This was going too far. Tony's eyes darkened and Steve's excitement grew. The tension between them was growing. They were in the wrong place to be having this kind of conversation, and even though Steve wanted nothing more at that moment than to lock himself in the bathroom with Tony and prove to him that he really wasn't innocent, in such a way that by the end Tony wouldn't even remember his own name, he didn't. He couldn't, it wasn't right.
He pulled away, leaned back in his chair and allowed himself a series of deep breaths again. His jeans were uncomfortably tight, and at the moment he hated that they were in such a public place. Breath. Exhale. Just relax, Steve, just relax.
"Mister Stark, Captain Rogers, hello."
Steve tensed, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Suddenly, a young girl in a dress and hoodie appeared at their table. Her hair was black and short and a sweet smile played on her face. She had a backpack slung over her shoulder. She looked like a high school student.
He hadn't heard her coming. He didn't know about her until she was right next to their table. That didn't happen often. Yes, he was giving all his attention to Tony now, but his body was still reacting alertly. He was aware of every movement, of anyone who walked past them. He was aware of the situation. And yet he hadn't heard her coming. He didn't feel her approaching.
The excitement was gone, a cold sweat poured over him, and Captain America mode didn't take long to kick in.
Tony pulled away, pushed his glasses down to the tip of his nose, and peered over the rim at the girl searchingly. He swept his gaze from head to toe, returned to her face, and raised his eyebrows.
"Do I know you, my dear?"
"I know you, but I don't think you know me," she smiled broadly. "My name is Ruby. I'm sorry to interrupt your meal, but I saw you and I just wanted to... say hello." She shrugged and giggled nervously. Steve didn't believe her. He watched her, trying to figure out what was wrong.
"That's nice of you." Tony was still smiling. Then he started patting his pockets. "Do you want an autograph? I don't have a pen with me, but if you do, no problem. Or a picture? You youngsters usually go for pictures."
"No, no, nothing like that," she stopped him immediately, waving her hands in front of her. "I don't mean to bother you and I really just wanted to say hello and.... and thank you for what you're doing for America."
"You don’t want a picture? Or an autograph?" asked Tony, uncomprehendingly. "What kind of teenager are you anyway? Everybody's after these things."
"Um... a well-behaved teenager?" She smiled awkwardly. Tony's eyebrows shot up again.
"You don't see that every day... Come, sit with us for a moment. We can talk for a while, can't we? If you don't want a picture. I'm sure Steve won't mind, right? Steve?"
He tore his gaze away from her and met Tony's curious eyes.
"You okay?"
"I am," he nodded and smiled slightly at Ruby. "Feel free to sit with us for a moment, miss."
"I... I probably shouldn't," she stammered, but finally slumped into a chair and set her backpack down. She looked first at Steve, then at Tony, a blush adorning her cheeks. "God, they won't believe this at school," she whispered, more to herself. Tony laughed.
"Where do you go to school?"
"Just a little ways from here. I'm a senior now and I'm getting ready for college entrance exams and I have to say.. ugh, it's a tall order," she sighed deeply and shook her head.
"What college?" Tony kept the conversation casual. He was still smiling at her, propping his head up and looking her over. Not in a rude way, but more in a curious way. Steve, on the other hand, was literally staring, but not rudely either. He studied her like an enemy. Something just didn't add up…
"You'll think I'm just trying to get up your butt, Mr. Stark," she sighed, watching him intently. Tony raised his hands, palms up in a defensive gesture.
"I promise I won't think that."
"I'd like to go to MIT, then," she finally admitted, almost in a whisper, her cheeks turning even pinker. Tony whistled admiringly.
"Well, my hat's off to you. I'll keep my fingers crossed, I'm sure you'll get in."
"You really think so?" She asked incredulously. "Everyone tells me I should give up and go try something easier. Sometimes I think I should listen to them."
"Honey, if I listened to what others told me, I wouldn't be where I am today," Tony winked at her. "You have to believe in yourself."
She nodded but still seemed pretty down. Finally, she smiled and stood up.
"I've got to go, I've got classes this afternoon. It was really an honour to meet you two. Thanks again for what you do."
"You're welcome, dear. Come on, you'll get a Stark hug. It'll give you courage for MIT," Tony laughed, standing up and hugging her.
Steve tensed. He watched her hands warily, literally expecting a gun or a knife to appear. But of course, nothing of the sort happened. When Tony let go of her, he was as healthy as before. Ruby smiled enthusiastically, said goodbye to them and walked away. Tony sat back in his chair.
"I mean, I've seen you pull a Captain America face in various situations, but talking to a little girl? That's a new one," he said, annoyed. Steve frowned.
"Something about her was... weird," he said slowly, looking back again, but all he saw was her head disappearing down the escalator. He couldn't figure out what didn't sit right with him about her. It kept eluding him, he tried to concentrate, but it was to no avail. His eyes saw something his mind couldn't yet place.
"Yeah, she was a teenager and she didn't want a picture or an autograph. That was probably the only thing that was weird about her." He turned his eyes to the ceiling and chuckled bitterly. "Seriously, buddy, you should do something about that. Seeing the enemy even in a little girl? That's a pretty annoying and serious problem. No wonder you're not sleeping. Do you see the enemy in the fridge?" He whispered provocatively.
"I just had a bad feeling," he growled. He hated it when Tony did that when he belittled his words. "I'm sorry that my caution bothers you."
"Yeah, it bothers," he grinned, his gaze hardening. "I've gotten pretty used to not having Captain in my face every day. And lo and behold, here he is again! Annoyingly condescending and distrustful of everyone. Even towards a little girl..." he snorted, the venom almost dripping off his words.
They stared into each other's eyes for a moment longer, and Steve almost expected them to go at each other. It didn't happen. Tony just snorted again, stood up and walked away.
Steve didn't follow right away. He sat there for a while, angrily looking at the burger wrappers as if they were responsible for this whole situation. Steve knew how annoying Captain America could be. God, Captain got on his nerves a lot too, but he couldn't just cut him off. He was a part of him, and Steve was grateful for that, especially at times like this. Whatever Tony thought, there was something wrong with this girl. He didn't know what yet, but he was going to find out.
Bruce's words popped into his mind for a moment. He felt a chill run down his spine.
But there was something... wrong with him. You know? When you sense something is wrong?
Tony was willing to admit that he probably had a problem with Captain America. It wasn't the first time he'd thought about it. He liked Steve, he didn't mind him, but once the Captain's serious mask settled on his face, his back straightened, his shoulders tensed, and the Captain literally radiated off him, Tony's mood went in a different direction very quickly.
When Ruby appeared at their table, Tony could feel that aura of authority and didn't even have to look at Steve. He was in full combat gear, alert and ready to go into battle. And just because of the little girl. Tony didn't understand him. The girl wasn't unusual in any way, except perhaps she reminded Tony of someone. He took a good look at her and was sure he'd seen her somewhere before. Tony didn't have a good memory for faces, and when he did remember someone, it was usually someone who had made an impression on him. It was just that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't place Ruby anywhere. In the end, he let it go.
He realized he'd been unnecessarily hard on him. On the one hand, he understood Steve's wariness. He'd been through too much, and he wasn't even thirty yet. Tony sighed softly and looked up at him when they stopped at the lights.
Steve didn't seem angry, more like tired. He rested his head against the window and stared out, his features drawn. Tony put his hand on his thigh and was genuinely pleased when Steve didn't flinch or tense up. His lips, those beautiful lips, curled into a soft smile and he returned the look.
"Hey," Tony whispered, "are you sleeping badly again?"
Steve nodded. "Better than before, but still not enough."
"Why don't you say something?" he sighed. The lights turned green and they moved again. "Let's watch a movie, shall we? Maybe you'll fall asleep."
"Sounds good, Tony."
The drive continued in silence. Tony left his hand in place and after a moment Steve covered it with his own. Tony expected him to push it away, but he didn't. Instead, he gently squeezed it and rubbed the back of Tony’s hand with his thumb. Glancing at him out of the corner of his eye, Steve covered his mouth with his other hand, his elbow propped on the door, again watching the action outside the window intently. His palm was hot, his skin soft, and Tony was aware that he was at his wit's end.
He couldn't go on like this, he had to tell him. He must close the gap between them, because if he didn't, he would soon go mad. When they were together, Tony felt safe. He knew he could tell him anything and Steve wouldn't judge him. He knew that if he needed help, Steve would help him and wouldn't ask for anything in return. He trusted him. He trusted him more than he trusted anyone else.
The brief kiss was a slip he hadn't planned, but it seemed to break down the last walls between them. They'll talk about it, tonight. And with any luck, something would come of it.
"Hush, hush, go make popcorn," Tony laughed, nudging Steve toward the kitchen. "I'll pick something out while you do."
"Will do, boss." He signaled a salute and the two of them parted in different directions. Tony hopped up onto the sofa, sat on the back of it and left Jarvis to turn on the TV and pick the first good-looking romantic comedy - hey, no judgement, okay? Romantic comedies aren't just movies for women. Plus, it's a great way to turn your brain off and relax because you know from the first three seconds of the movie how it's going to turn out.
The popcorn popped in the microwave and a pleasant aroma wafted through the air. Tony turned around, unable to stop himself from smiling. He watched Steve as he deftly spun around the kitchen without hesitation, preparing their drinks and other goodies for the movie. More than once, Tony thought Stevee knew his kitchen better than he did.
"I've always wanted to ask you something."
Steve looked up and raised his eyebrows in question. "Yeah?"
"Do you wear an apron when you cook?"
"I would if there was one," Steve laughed lightly. He set the glasses and a few bowls on the tray and set about transferring the popcorn from the bag to the bowl. Tony whistled in surprise.
"I'll have to get some, then. Several right away, with all those cute pictures and funny sayings. Like 'Kiss the cook!'"
Tony watched him carefully. He was testing him, because a significant part of his brain was still unwilling to believe that Steve could feel a certain affection for him in particular. He tensely expected to see at least a flicker of disgust or displeasure across his face, but all he got were subtle smiles and a flicker of uncertainty.
"I wouldn't argue with that," Steve finally said, walking over to him, setting the tray on the coffee table and assessing the TV with his eyes. "The Knight Before Christmas?"
"It's got good ratings. We'll see."
Tony slid into the corner of the sofa and patted his thigh. "Come on. Lie down."
There was that uncertainty again. Steve looked first to make sure Tony was serious before he flopped down on the sofa and rested his head on Tony's leg. He lay on his side, watching the television, and it took him a few seconds to relax. Tony smiled, the familiar heat of Steve’s skin against his body. It was pleasant, strangely comforting.
Jarvis started the movie, turned off the lights and lit the fireplace. Tony smiled. The perfect Christmas atmosphere, all that was missing was the smell of gingerbread and pine needles. He was surprised at how good he felt. It wasn't that he didn't like Christmas, but it always meant parties and litres of alcohol. The tree had been brought to his house mostly by Pepper, and he wasn't in the mood to talk her out of it. This year might be different. Maybe he could try some of those favorite Christmas traditions, if it meant he could spend those days with Steve.
He looked down at Steve and gently tangled his fingers in his hair. Steve smiled. He gave him a brief glance before looking back at the television. Tony didn't take his eyes off him. He was enjoying the view, taking it in, trying to remember every little detail. He looked over the almost invisible wrinkles at the corners of Steve’s eyes and mouth, and those impossibly blue eyes and impossibly long lashes. Just in case. In case things didn't turn out well and Steve decided to leave.
His heart clenched, that was not a pretty thought. But it was a very real one. What if he was fooling himself? On the other hand, Steve would have said something back when he'd given him that awkward kiss, wouldn't he? Steve was the kind of guy who would speak up the moment he didn't like something. But he didn't say a thing. Instead, he waited patiently until Tony was ready to talk about it. Steve could be incredibly patient.
Tony cocked his head, leaned his head against the back of the sofa and took a slow, deep breath. Yeah, this was awkward. He hadn't been this nervous in a really long time, if ever. What was he even going to say to him? Hey, Steve, I'm happy with you, let's get into it! Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work, Stark. Something told him the soldier wouldn't refuse, but Tony didn't want it that way.
All right, Stark, pull yourself together. What's the worst that could happen? Probably breaking your nose and then reminding yourself why it's a bad idea to show people you have feelings.
He looked down and blinked in surprise. Steve’s eyes were closed and he breathed calmly. Tony moved his fingers slowly and gently scratched Steve’s head. Had he fallen asleep?
"Hey, are you asleep?" He whispered. An unintelligible murmur was Steve’s reply. Tony smiled. "Then sleep."
"I'm not sleeping," he muttered, sitting up. He was tired, Tony could see it. He wasn't is such a bad state as he had been then, but he was slowly getting there. Tony would be lying if he said it didn't make him nervous.
He stood up and paced back and forth on the carpet a few times, trying to get his blood flowing and his thoughts in order.
"So, I've been thinking, as promised," he began. He didn't dare look Steve in the face, knowing full well he would forget everything he wanted to say at that moment. He allowed himself a few more steps, a few more seconds to sort out his thoughts. God, Stark, you usually can’t shut up and now you suddenly have nothing to say? Pull yourself together!
"And what conclusion have you come to?"
Tony grimaced and dared to look at Steve. "Don't be impatient. Give me a minute too, will you? I want to enjoy this awkward situation! It's not often I admit to a guy... this." Tony made a vague motion with his hands and sighed. He didn't miss the mischievous grin on Steve's face, though.
"'This'? Tony, I never thought you'd have trouble calling things by their proper names," he teased. Tony chuckled briefly and clasped his hands together.
"Oh well," he huffed, taking a deep breath. Come on, like a band-aid. A quick rip off. Only when he opened his mouth, no words came out and his breath caught in his throat. Damn, this was harder than it looked. The kiss was easier. Hah. "I don't know how to start."
Steve shifted on the couch, not taking his eyes off him. "You want to talk about the kiss?"
God, he really did call it a kiss. And out loud! It sounded so absurd and unfortunately true, because yes, it was a kiss. A smooch. An awkward smooch.
"You want to... forget about it and pretend it never happened?" He asked next. Tony was horrified.
"Of course not, for God's sake!" He yelped immediately and sat down on the coffee table across from Steve. Their knees were almost touching and Tony was enveloped by Steve's scent, the smell of cheap soap and cologne. He took a deep drag, it was a scent that always came to mind when he lay alone in bed at night. Soothing and pleasant. Even now, it was like a balm on his nerves. "I don't want to pretend it didn't happen. In fact, I want... I want the opposite."
There. He said it. And the look of relief on Steve's face didn't escape his attention. The soldier merely nodded in understanding and said nothing more. He waited. Tony tried to speak again several times, but the words died on his tongue over and over again. He sighed.
"Listen, I'm really not good at this," he finally began then, rubbing his fingers nervously. "I can win a court case just by talking or drunkenly lecturing at a university, but once I have to have a serious conversation with a person I... I care about, I can’t make a single sentence."
He paused and smiled, but Steve offered no helping hand, leaving him to roll his own. Scumbag!
"These last few months you've been living here have been great. I mean... It has, hasn't it? We argue less and you don't get on my nerves so much anymore and we work together and talk... Mostly," he laughed.
"It's been good. It's been fine," Steve nodded calmly. Tony smiled broadly. Well done, well done! This was looking good. Just how to proceed? Well, take it easy, Stark! You can do it. He reached out and took Steve's palm in his own. He ran his thumb over his knuckles. Steve returned the gesture.
"I don't want to forget that kiss. I want another one like it, and a better one. I want it to mean something. Something more than just a... one-time thing or a one-night stand."
It occurred to Tony that the "one night" would probably suck because, as he realized with horror, he had no idea what to do with a guy. Well, theoretically he knew! But practically, not at all, and for a moment he felt like a fifteen-year-old virgin.
"I agree. I'm not interested in being just another Tony Stark’s notch," Steve said with a mischievous grin.
"Hey! Cheeky," Tony laughed, shaking his head at his comment. "Just so you know, I don't make notches. Once it's over, I forget I ever saw that chick and go back to work."
"What a gentleman you are."
"Rogers!"
Steve laughed but again squeezed Tony's hand gently, perhaps as an apology. It was enough for Tony. He smiled faintly, watching him, all nervousness leaving him. When he had calmed down, Steve said: "I thought you weren't interested in men."
"I haven't been until now," Tony exclaimed, raising a warning finger. "So I have no idea how this is going to work. But I'm willing to give it a try if you're in."
"My God, I'm definitely in," he agreed immediately, and Tony chuckled in amusement. They both fell silent, just looking at each other, and Tony suddenly found the situation awkward. He didn't know what to do next. Great, he'd gathered enough courage and told him, thus signing up for... what exactly? To date Rogers? Trying to have a relationship? Oh, my God, did he really do that?
He let go of Steve's hand and pulled away a little. That was a hell of an idea. His head finally caught up with his mouth. He tried to push all those thoughts away, but it was going badly. At the word relationship, he always thought of the few he'd been in and honestly, none of them had turned out well. He'd just fuck it up again.
"Tony? You okay?"
He ran a hand through his hair and stood up to take a deep breath. He closed his eyes for a few moments and calmed himself. Then he looked at Steve again.
"I'm going to fuck this up, Steve. You have to know that sooner or later I'm going to fuck this up."
Steve stood up as well, but didn't go any closer, and Tony was sincerely grateful for that. "You can't know that."
He laughed bitterly. "Unfortunately, I do know that. I always fuck up somehow. I say something, do something, and piss you off."
"So what?" he cocked an eyebrow and threw up his hands. "If that happens we’ll talk about it and work it out. Tony, we all fuck up sometimes."
Tony couldn't believe his ears. He looked at him like he was crazy. "We'll talk? Work it out?" he repeated stupidly. Steve nodded.
"Sure. What, do you expect me to back down at the sign of the first problem?"
Not exactly. Tony knew Steve and knew he didn't run from troubles. But his previous relationships always ended when Tony somehow fucked up. There was never any talking or any resolution. He nodded slowly and Steve laughed in disbelief.
"Remember what I said to you in the office the other day?"
"What?" Tony frowned, confused by the question. Then it dawned on him. "Yeah, right, the one about me being arrogant?"
Steve laughed lightly and shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. I told you then that I wasn't going to give up on you, Tony. Remember?"
He nodded slowly. Sure, he remembered. He wasn't going to give up on him. His heart clenched and he felt a lump begin to form in his throat. Things hadn't even started between them yet, and already Steve was promising he wouldn't give up on him.
"Tony, listen," Steve said slowly, sitting up again, his fingers interlacing in his lap, "how about letting this play out? You said yourself you don't know if it's going to work. Maybe we won't even get to the part where one of us fucks up," he smiled, but Tony wasn't fooled. The words hurt them both. "We'll try it and see how it goes. Agreed?"
Tony sat back on the edge of the table and nodded. God, he was still amazed that talking to Steve was like being on a seesaw. Once up, then down, and then everything settled down quietly. If he managed to screw something up, maybe it wouldn't be the end of everything after all.
He allowed himself a few deep breaths and reached for Steve's hands again, intertwining their fingers. He couldn't help it, he had to try. Steve's hands were slightly larger and his fingers were softer, unmarred by years of work in the workshop. And yet they slipped into each other without a problem. Tony sighed contentedly.
"What do you know, maybe I'll fuck up first," Steve remarked calmly. Tony grinned in amusement.
"I doubt it, Captain Perfect."
"You realized you are the only one who calls me this?" Steve said. "I'm not without fault, Tony. And besides, I've never been in a relationship. I haven't the faintest idea what to do."
Tony's chin dropped. This hadn't occurred to him, but when he thought about it now, it made sense. Steve couldn't have anything official with a guy because of the regime back then (Tony paid attention when Steve said things to him, he really did!) and from what he'd heard, he hadn't known Peggy for very long.
Peggy, hmm... he has to ask him about that later.
"Oh, great. We're doomed, Rogers," he uttered gravely, Steve winked in amusement and said nothing in response.
They were both silent, but it was not an uncomfortable silence. Steve was enjoying it. He studied their hands with his gaze, and he really liked the look and feel of them. At one point he felt like pinching himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. It could have been a dream, a wonderful dream that he would wake up from in a moment with disappointment. But it wasn't. It was real, Tony was really sitting here with him, holding his hand.
He understood Tony's insecurities, or so he thought. He wasn't a hundred percent sure they were going to make it either. But he was more than willing to try and work for it. Steve was positive and believed that they could somehow make it work together. Unless, in time, Tony realised he really isn’t into men.
He looked up just in time to see Tony's tongue licking his lips. Steve swallowed hard and felt a hot wave of arousal settle low in his stomach. He didn't take his eyes off Tony's lips as he gently cupped his face in his hands and pulled him closer. Their lips almost touched, Tony exhaled heavily and frowned when Steve paused.
"Can I kiss you?" Steve whispered. Call him old-fashioned, but Steve believed it was basic decency to ask.
Tony didn't answer, instead he pressed his lips to Steve’s. It was a slow kiss, careful. They were tasting each other, enjoying the sensation. But it didn't last long. Steve's body was burning with desire and he didn't see the point in holding back.
He grabbed Tony's hip, just lightly, aware of his own strength, and pulled him towards him. He didn't want to hurt him, and he wanted to give him a chance to protest if he wanted to. But Tony wouldn't. He allowed himself to be led and willingly slid onto Steve’s lap. Steve barely stifled a shaky gasp as Tony drugged all his senses. His scent tickled his nose and he could feel the softness of his skin under his fingers. Oh God, he was going to show love to every inch of Tony’s body.
Steve pulled away and ran his lips and the tip of his tongue lightly down Tony’s neck. A low groan didn't escape his hearing, and another wave of arousal traveled straight to his crotch. He felt like a teenage boy again who has no control over himself whatsoever. He already had an erection and his jeans were uncomfortably tight.
"Y-you know," Tony got out breathlessly, willingly tilting his head to the side, "I thought I'd be a gentleman today. We'll have a chat and then I'll take you to bed for a good sleep. I was even ready to leave a space for father, son and holy spirit between us."
Steve smiled into his skin, this didn't sound like Tony at all. He was flattered that he wanted to take it one step at a time, that he wanted to do it right, and if he were a few (decades) younger and less experienced he would have agreed to it. Only he wasn't, and he wasn't currently thinking about anything other than feeling Tony's cock getting heavy on his tongue.
"If that's your wish," he whispered in Tony’s ear with a soft bite, "but honestly, all I've been thinking about for a while now is showing you how innocent I really am."
He still hadn't forgiven him for the remark, and now that he finally could, he was going to show him. Tony tensed, an almost undignified whimper slipping from his lips. He rocked his hips and rubbed his crotch against Steve’s.
"Yeah..." he groaned. "Yeah, that sounds better. Much, hnn... damn, take it off!" he commanded, tugging at the hem of Steve’s shirt. Not to be prompted twice, Steve threw the unnecessary piece of clothing to the floor with Tony's shirt close behind.
He wanted to have a goot look at him, but Tony didn't give him the chance. He pressed tightly against him and kissed him hungrily, his tongue probing into his mouth. Steve happily obliged him. He kissed him back, gripping his hips gently, his nails digging into his skin. He didn't dare fully lay into it, not yet. It had been a long time since he'd been with anyone - in fact, the last time had been a few months before the plane crashed - and he couldn't estimate his strength. He held back, not wanting to hurt him.
Tony, on the other hand, had a different idea. He attacked his mouth relentlessly, one hand clenched tightly into a fist in Steve's hair. He rocked his hips rubbing his hardened cock against Steve's body in a desperate attempt to release at least some of the rising tension. Louder and more urgent moans escaped his lips. When Steve squeezed him through his pants, Tony gasped.
Steve dropped him onto the sofa next to him and immediately knelt down on the floor in front of him. Tony opened his thighs, inviting him in, while he himself struggled with shaky fingers to undo the button and zipper.
"What’s that rush for?" Steve whispered in amusement, helping him up. Without much difficulty, he pulled Tony’s jeans and underwear down to his ankles. With a satisfied murmur, he licked his lips. Tony was already fully erect and glistening with pre-ejaculate.
"Jesus, Rogers, I swear if you don't shut that mou-!"
Steve wrapped his fingers tightly around the base of his cock and took him into his mouth. The rest of Tony's sentence died away in a drawn out loud moan that vibrated through Steve's body. He narrowed his eyes contentedly, enjoying the hot weight of Tony's cock on his tongue. He was keenly aware of how much he'd missed this. Just to kneel in front of someone and suck him off.
He gripped Tony's cock with his lips, taking him deeper and deeper into his mouth in sure motions, helping himself with his hand. The deep sighs, quiet curses and rapid breathing were enough reassurance that he hadn't fallen out of practice. He felt Tony's hand in his hair, setting the pace with gentle but firm pressure, his pelvis rocking. Steve looked up.
Tony watched his lips in fascination from beneath half-closed lids, eyes dark with desire. A blush adored his face, his neck and chest and sounds of pleasure escaped his parted lips. When he threw his head back and groaned breathlessly, Steve knew he was close.
All it took was a few more thrusts and Tony climaxed into his mouth. Without hesitation, Steve swallowed it all down, gave his cock three slow strokes with his palm and let go, sitting back on his heels. He watched Tony with a shy smile. He was breathing heavily, his head still tilted back, exposing his neck. Steve couldn't resist.
He stood up and leaned towards him. He showered his neck with light, slow kisses and gently bit him just above the collarbone. Tony groaned.
"Damn, Steve," he breathed contentedly, looking up at him.
"Hmm?" He murmured back, running the tip of his nose along the line of Tony’s neck. Tony was glistening with sweat and his scent was more intense than before. Heavy, heady.
Tony turned his head and captured his lips in a slow lazy kiss. Steve could feel his body trembling, and even his breathing hadn't fully calmed down yet.
"Tony... God, Tony... What are you doing to me?" He breathed heavily. Tony's mischievous grin didn't escape his attention.
"What am I doing with you, Captain Rogers? Tell me," he said provocatively, and Steve would be lying if he said that the way he addressed him did nothing to him. No, he could clearly feel the twitch in his cock. He groaned excitedly, taking Tony's hand in his and pressing his palm against his crotch. Tony's eyes widened, flicking them to his lap for a moment before he looked up again and licked his lips.
"Shit."
Steve followed Tony's instructions and sat down on the couch, helping him get rid of his remaining clothes. Tony appraised his crotch with a glance first before grinning mischievously and dropping to his knees determinedly between his spread thighs.
"Don't grab my hair, okay? You could choke me with that strength of yours." Tony grinned, and before Steve could reply, he took his cock in his hand and gave it several slow strokes. Steve cocked his head and let out a contented sigh, his fingers digging into the cushions. Then he felt the moist heat of Tony’s mouth and made no attempt to stop the lustful moans escaping his throat. Yeah. Yeah, he'd missed this, too.
With his eyes closed, he enjoyed Tony’s care and whispered encouragement a few times. Tony chuckled muffledly at that, taking him deeper into his mouth with each movement of his head. Steve knew he wouldn't last much longer. He rocked his hips against Tony's mouth, his incoming climax gripping his groin.
He didn't realize that Tony was finishing him off with just his hand until he felt Tony’s lips brushing against his ear and groaned in a deep voice, "Will you cum for me?"
The orgasm hit him full force. In an attempt to muffle the totally undignified loudness he bit Tony's shoulder. The orgasmic spasm soon passed and Steve was clearly aware of how satisfied and tired he felt. He let go of Tony's skin, thanking God he hadn't bit hard enough to draw blood, and fell back against the back of the sofa.
He was only peripherally aware of Tony wiping Steve's cum from his hand and his stomach with one of their t-shirts. Steve gave him a brief glance before closing his eyes and trying to catch his breath. The ensuing silence was soothingly comfortable. He could feel Tony's fingers brushing his hair back from his sweaty forehead and his lips on his neck. He bit down and sucked his skin just below the edge of his jaw, forming a hickey that was certainly visible enough. Steve sighed.
"Tony..." he said gently, chuckling.
"I just want to see how long it takes it to disappear," he defended in a sweet voice. He smiled, stroked Steve’s cheek and pressed a brief kiss to his lips.
"Come on, let's take a shower and go to bed," Tony suggested, and Steve sighed again. He didn't want to get up and go anywhere, but the pull of Tony's hand was relentless, and although Steve was usually much stronger, he now felt as weak as a kitten. But the sight of Tony's beautiful butt was definitely worth the effort.
They took a quick shower and climbed into bed. Tony snuggled contentedly against Steve’s side with one arm draped across his stomach and his head resting on his shoulder. And Steve was happy. It all seemed like a dream to him and before he fell asleep he pinched his cheek hard. But nothing had changed, Tony was still holding on to him and Steve knew he would be there when he woke up in the morning. Unbelievable things do happen sometimes after all.