13.
The atmosphere in the tower was cheerful and relaxed again after a long time. Steve's personality crisis had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared - or rather as Tony had triggered it. Unintentionally! He really wasn't trying to completely psych Captain America out, but, hey! Accidents happen - and the negative emotions about the article have eased up too, though they haven't disappeared completely. Although Steve claimed he wasn't mad at Tony, he hadn't made him breakfast in two days! He said he had to be at the SHIELD base helping Clint and Natasha, such an excuse! Luckily, Tony found him in the kitchen this morning. He just waved him and continued speaking to Rhodey on phone. Steve smiled, whispered "good morning" and turned back to cooking. The kitchen smelled wonderful, Tony's saliva was pooling and he could barely keep himself from eating straight from the pan. He knew he'd get hit on the fingers with the wooden spoon.
Tony leaned against the kitchen island counter and patiently answered only yes and no to Rhodey's questions. Apparently, his best friend had been away from civilization for a long time, he had only returned this morning and the first thing that had popped up on the internet were scandalous articles about Tony's supposed relationship with the national icon. You couldn't outright say that Rhodey was freaking out, but he wasn't exactly at peace either. When Rhodey said "WhatthefuckTony?!" instead of "hello" so fast Tony barely noticed his own name... well, yeah, Rhodey was actually freaking out.
Tony's already been through this conversation with Happy, Natasha and Bruce, and Steve handled Clint. Tony hasn’t spoken with Pepper yet, but he knew it would happen sooner or later. He told them all the same thing. The story of how he got a reporter into bed and made a bad joke. No, don't worry, I'm not sleeping with Rogers. Yes, it's just a rumor. No, I'm not gay.
With the others, it was perfectly okay to tell them that because it was true. But now he found it exceedingly funny because at the moment he'd assured Rhodey he wasn't gay, he'd been watching Steve's back and thinking he'd like to taste the skin on his neck. He still smelled of shower gel after his morning shower. All Tony had to do was walk up behind him, press his crotch against that wonderfully shaped ass, and press his lips to the skin on the back of his neck. Tony wondered if he could coax even a sharp gasp out of him? And if he gave him a hickey, how long would it last? So many questions!
Tony said goodbye and put his cell phone down on the kitchen counter. Steve turned to him again, looking supremely amused.
"How many people have you had to explain this to?"
"A few," he waved his hand dismissively. "And there will be plenty more, but it’s my bad."
"It is," he agreed, handing him his breakfast. Omelet with chicken, tomatoes, peppers, and onions. Tony smiled contentedly, finally another one of Steve's breakfasts!
"I was stopped by some people on the street this morning. They wished us good luck and said they admire us even more now. And they urged me not to make anything of the article. What did it say?" Steve asked casually and calmly, obviously becoming more comfortable with the subject.
Tony put down his fork and watched him, uncomprehending. He hadn't read the article? Tony had read it five times now, laughing like an idiot each time and honestly feeling sorry for Bettany.
"You haven’t read it? But you should, it’s hilarious," Tony wiggled his eyebrows. "She wrote it quite nicely. All homophobic talk and stuff. Yeah, there's already a huge debate on the internet, everyone's verbally stoning her and supporting you and me. I'm surprised she hasn't been fired yet."
Steve didn't seem amused. He sighed softly, prepared a breakfast for himself, and sat down on the bar stool across from Tony. "So this isn't just going to leave anytime soon."
"Well, I guess not," Tony admitted. "But at least people are not hunting us with torches and pitchfork, right?"
"You're right," he smiled and started eating. Tony watched him. Okay, he was wrong, obviously the subject was still bugging Steve, but there was something else. But what? He didn't ask, he didn't want to spoil the breakfast with a serious conversation. He followed Steve's example and started eating, too.
Tony was only halfway through his omelet when Jarvis spoke up, "Sir, Dr. Griffin has entered the building. She's asking you to pull up your pants and hide your whiskey."
Steve stifled a laugh and Tony looked up at the camera in surprise. "Amanda is here? Is it getting close to Christmas again?"
"Yes, sir. It's the eighteenth of November, Christmas is approaching fast."
Tony shrugged at that, quickly wolfing down the rest of his breakfast. Steve turned to him.
"Shall I leave?"
"You don't have to, I'll introduce you," he winked at him. "And then I'll go to the workshop with her. She says it's my safe place and it's easier to talk to me there. Or whatever." He shrugged, washed his hands in the sink and wiped them on his pants.
The doors opened and a petite woman with shoulder length honey brown hair about Tony's age stepped out of the elevator. She only took one step, enough for the door to close behind her again, but she didn't enter the room. She was staring straight ahead, her head tilted slightly to the side and she seemed to be listening.
"You haven’t made an obstacle course for me again, have you, Tony?" She asked. Her voice was low and very pleasant. It was only then that Steve noticed the white cane she held in her left hand. Tony chuckled.
"Don't worry, Mandy, I didn't even have time for that. Come here, come here. Coffee?"
"That'd be nice of you," she nodded and walked over to them, accompanied by the tapping of the cane. Steve watched her. Looking more closely, he recognized that she was probably older than Tony. She had a kind face, narrow lips and wrinkles, proving that she smiled often. But the most striking thing about her were the fine webs of scars stretching around her milky white eyes.
He exchanged a glance with Tony who didn't seem to be going into introductions. He was quiet, getting the coffee ready, and grinned at Steve in amusement. Dr. Griffin tilted her head again, her delicate eyebrows coming together in a momentary frown.
"Tony, who's with us? Can you introduce us?"
"I'll never figure out hows he does it," Tony muttered to himself in displeasure, and walked over to her, his palm resting lightly on her shoulder and turning her so she was facing Steve. "Mandy, Steve Rogers. Steve, Amanda Griffin, the lady who makes sure my mental health is not in a deep shit a couple of times a year," he introduced them casually, adding a flamboyant hand gesture.
"Your mental health has been in the shit for quite some time, we both know that," she said teasingly, pinching his cheek, whereupon she turned back to Steve and offered him her hand. "It's very nice to meet you, Steve."
"Me too, Dr. Griffin," he smiled, squeezing her hand firmly but gently. Dr. Griffin was a very delicate woman and Steve was afraid he might hurt her. She covered his hand with her left and smiled so warmly and understandingly that Steve's heart leapt. Maybe she couldn't see, but Steve suddenly had the impression that she knew absolutely everything about him. Her hands were dry and warm and her face friendly.
"And she's already got you trapped," Tony warned him in a whisper with a frightening undertone in his voice. "Another thing I'll never understand. That woman wins over everyone she meets. And she's already got you too, hasn't she? Well just watch out for her, she's a spider. She'll eat you before you know she's got you in her web."
The doctor swung her white stick at Tony very carefully, missing his calf by just a few inches. With a delighted giggle, Tony scurried back behind the kitchen island, acting like a little boy. Steve gave him a disapproving look, but the smile never left his face. You know that feeling when you meet someone and suddenly you think the sun has come out from behind the clouds? Dr. Griffin gave that impression.
"Don't mind him, Steve," she urged him gently as she released his hand. "I'm sure you've known Tony for a while, so you know he's prone to making things up."
"He's prone to saying stupid things," he agreed with her, not missing Tony's overly offended look, accompanied by a gasp and pressing his palm against the arc reactor. “The rudeness!" was written all over his face, his eyes big and shining with happy lights. Steve sagged slightly in his knees, just enjoying the look. Happy Tony was, in a strange way, adorable Tony.
"Interesting," he heard the doctor whisper to herself and was momentarily startled that she had caught him staring. But she hadn't, she couldn't. Of course she couldn't. Her eyes were motionless, fixed on a single spot in front of her, unaware of what she was looking at.
"Would you like to sit down?" He suggested to her.
She agreed and Steve led her to one of the armchairs. Tony followed them, carrying three mugs of coffee. Steve could hear him humming to himself, his mood had been cheerful since the morning, but now perhaps it had grown even more so. And Steve felt the same way.
It was nice to meet someone Tony liked to hang out with. Steve had been lucky enough to meet a few of his business associates and had seen him on the phone with many people, but those were always courtesy conversations. From the way he treated Dr. Griffin, Stevee judged that they were good friends.
Tony and the doctor started a casual greeting conversation and Steve just watched them with a smile. Tony was relaxed, really relaxed, he was laughing and all his masks were gone. Steve wondered if it was because the doctor couldn't see them, or because Tony just wasn't using them in her presence. Either way, it was pleasant.
"You know, Steve," Dr. Griffin turned to him, and he was grateful to her for that, "I had barely gotten my diploma when my mentor dump Tony on me. I think he just wanted to get rid of Tony because... you'd be surprised what an animal Tony was back then."
"Always have been and always will be, Mandy," he laughed proudly, sipping from his mug. Steve had no doubt about her words. He and Tony had lived in the same tower long enough to know that himself.
"I know you do," she waved her hand. "They sent him to me that day to help him... can I talk about it, Tony?" She asked considerately, whereupon Tony just shrugged indifferently and agreed. "To help him deal with the death of his parents. And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Tony wasn't very cooperative. After the first session, I wanted to return my diploma, take my stuff and go to Nepal among the monks," she laughed.
"I ruined her," Tony winked at him and elbowed him in the ribs while the doctor merely nodded in agreement. "I figured it would only take one or two more sessions at most and she'd give up, just like the others. And guess what."
Steve didn't forgive himself a provoking look. "Did you get punched in the nose?"
"She kicked my ass, almost literally!" He exclaimed indignantly, pointing a finger at the doctor. "See her? Tiny and sweet little angel. But that day I was afraid of her!"
"I wasn't that bad after all, Tony," she smiled sweetly, wrinkles decorating her blind eyes. "I just figured that Tony Stark needed a different approaching, at least at first."
Steve couldn't help a quiet laugh. He couldn't imagine that Tony was really afraid of her. Although, looks could be deceiving.
"And that's how we met," Tony finished, bowing down to his knees. "End of story. I only went to her for a couple of times but we remained friends. And like I said, every now and then she makes sure I don't get completely depressed."
"I'm glad you're keeping an eye on him," Steve said sincerely, giving the doctor a grateful smile that she may not have been able to see, but perhaps she could hear it in his voice.
"Someone has to," she smiled, whereupon she folded her hands in her lap and tilted her head first toward Tony and then back toward Steve. Her face was still adorned with that smile and those crow feet but the expression she wore was strange. Steve swallowed hard and suddenly had a fear, a completely irrational fear that she knew. That she knew very well.
Tony leaned forward, frowning, and even he seemed to grow nervous. "There's that look again, when you figure out of something before I do. What is it?"
The look on her face was gone, replaced by that simple, kind smile. She took a sip of coffee, sighed contentedly, and leaned back in her armchair again. Steve relaxed. It was definitely just his crazy imagination.
"Have I ever told you without you thinking about it yourself first?" She shot back with a question, which didn't please Tony. He snorted in displeasure.
"No, never. And you have no idea how much that pisses me off."
"Maybe we'll get to that today, Tony," she assured him. She felt her watch adorning her left wrist and pressed one of the buttons. A voice came from the watch, announcing that it was nine thirty in the morning. "I have to be somewhere else soon, Tony. Steve, it's been an honor, but we're going to leave you now. I need to talk to Tony alone."
"Of course. Nice to meet you, Dr. Griffin."
Steve stood up quickly, shook her hand, and watched as she and Tony walked to the elevator.
Tony helped Amanda through the maze of clutter on the floor to the chair. He was silent until she sat down, which took him a tremendous amount of effort, whereupon he leaned over the back of his chair and gazed searchingly into her face.
"Come on, spill it. What did you find out up there?"
He knew that look of hers all too well, and he was honestly terrified of what she might have thought. She smiled innocently, crossed her legs and leaned toward him as well. Tony would like tell they were looking each other straight in the eye, but of course he was the only one who was really doing that.
"What do you have in mind, Tony?"
"Up there. You were looking at Steve and then at me, and then you got that look on your face you always get when you figure out of something that I don’t see." He spoke up, but didn't shout, though he wanted to. Whatever she was thinking, he knew he wouldn't like it, would deny it as much as possible and eventually find out she was right. It was like that every time. But he never gave up the denial part.
"I wasn't looking at anyone, Tony," she reminded him gently, amusement in her voice. Tony rolled his eyes, his impatience rising as fast as his nervousness.
"Well you were tilting your head at us, whatever! You're just on to something there, and I want to know what it is!" Now was already shouting. He knew that wouldn't get him an answer sooner, but the frustration was coursing through his body and preventing him from thinking clearly. Mandy leaned back, silently facing him, and waited. That was the rule. She understood human emotions, but when someone lost control, she refused to talk to them until they calmed down at least a little. She wasn't going to argue with anyone. Taking a deep breath, Tony closed his eyes and counted silently to ten.
"Sorry," he muttered. She nodded, not angry with him. She was never angry with him.
"Why did that upset you so much, Tony?"
"Dunno. It didn't," he growled, his gaze fixed on his hands. He knew, he knew very well, though he didn't want to admit it.
"You're dealing with something, Tony. It's been a while, hasn't it?" She smiled understandingly. "Would you like to tell me about it?"
"Not really," he retorted firmly, running his palm over his face. "But I do have a question. Tell me, is it possible for a middle-aged man to realize that he might be... into men? Just gay?"
She narrowed her eye in thought and remained silent for a few seconds, turning his question over in her mind. Finally, she shook her head uncertainly from side to side. "Not really, Tony, at least as far as I know. We're aware of our sexuality from quite a young age, but yes, it can change by the time we're thirty. So I wouldn't say that a middle-aged man would suddenly think, out of the blue, that he could be gay, if he'd only been with women up until then and was happy that way. He would have been aware all along that he was attracted to men. At least partially. But it's quite common for a man to meet a person of the same sex that he feels... good with," she smiled. "Sexual orientation can be very fluid, and believe me, there's not just gay, straight and bisexual. It's divided into a lot of other groups these days, and feelings play a very big part in it."
"So..." he muttered slowly and thoughtfully, "is it possible that this particular guy has been with women all his life, then met another guy and thought he wanted to have something with him?"
"Of course," she nodded. "Now it just depends on how this particular man perceives it. If it's just sexual desire or if there's something deeper."
"Why does it matter?"
"It matters, if you'd like to put a name to it. Like I said, human sexuality is fluid and people characterize themselves differently. There are many sexual identities. For example, pansexual, demisexual, or omnisexual. While a pansexual is attracted to all people regardless of gender, a demisexual only begins to feel sexual attraction based on a strong emotional connection."
"Sometimes I wonder how you got the whole Internet into your head," he grumbled, tilting his head until the back of his head touched the back of the chair. He stared silently at the ceiling, one part of his brain wondering how it was possible to see a crack there. He hadn't noticed it before, strange.
Nothing became clear, he just had more and more questions and was more confused. He was hoping to hear something else. That he was just confused and it would pass in a moment. No, that his thoughts about Rogers were actually quite logical and not crazy. He'd rather be crazy than... demisexual or pansexual or perhaps other something-sexual.
"That's bullshit, Mandy. It's just bullshit. Hell, you know me. I love women of all shapes and colors! How soft and beautiful they are and how they smell. I can't be into men that easily, it's just not possible..."
His own voice sounded foreign and he could hear the uncertainty in it. He knew very well it was possible, because it was happening, no matter what he deluded himself into thinking. He had even dreamed of Rogers. Holding him in his arms that night, he didn't want to leave. He just wanted to sit there, lean against him and feel him. That body like marble, solid and beautiful, without a flaw. Tony was safe when he sat next to him, nothing could reach him and hurt him. He even cried in front of Steve! And Steve was there for him. He listened to him and accepted him the way he was. Not for his money or his fame. He saw Tony the same way Tony saw Steve.
He swallowed and covered his eyes with his hand. Oh, shit!
"It's not so illogical when you think about it, Tony," he heard Amanda's kind voice, but it came from a great distance. Tony was lost in his own thoughts and only perceived her peripherally. "How many women have you been able to develop a real, deep relationship with?"
He didn't answer. They both knew very well that they were desperately few. And even with them, it wasn't God knows how deep. Tony just couldn't do it. He admired women and loved them. He often trusted them more than men, but he couldn't open up to them.
"And how many men? I don't mean romantic relationships now, but friendly ones. Enough to trust them."
Rhodey...
Happy...
On the other hand, he had a friendly relationship with Mandy and maybe still with Pepper. But when he thought about it more deeply, he knew there were things he would only say to Rhodey or Happy. And now probably Steve. He couldn't address them with Mandy, and certainly not with Pepper.
He uncovered his face and watched her with disbelieving eyes. She confirmed exactly what he'd been dreading. His thinking about Steve wasn't just confusion or a game of his brilliant mind. It was real.
"Maybe I'm wrong, Tony," she whispered, facing him carefully. The lines around her mouth deepened and her eyes, once steely gray and intelligent, stared expressionlessly at him. "You'll have to find that out for yourself. My advice is not to resist and let things run their course."
"And then one day I'll realize that my whole heart is burning for Captain Perfect? Please," he snorted sarcastically.
"If you had told me fifteen years ago that one day you would be a superhero, I would have been as skeptical as you are now," she said calmly. "But incredible things happen every day, Tony."
Tony opened his mouth, ready to bat her away with some sharp remark but he didn’t. The truth of her words weighed heavily on him.
Mandy stood up, took a step towards him and sought his head first with her hands before leaning down and pressing a kiss into his hair. Tony closed his eyes, holding onto her slim wrists. He was enjoying the motherly touch.
"The world won't stop spinning no matter what you do, Tony. But you must always be prepared for the consequences," she whispered, letting go of him. A sentence that ended every conversation they had and, as he knew all too well, every session with her patients. A sentence that was crafted specifically for him.
The magic was that its meaning changed depending on the listener and the situation. It could sound like a frightening warning as well as a pleasant reassurance. For Tony, for the first few years, it was an excuse for his actions. After all, it doesn't matter what he does or how he does it, as long as he’s prepared to face the consequences. The world won't stop spinning for him.
Tony walked Amanda to the glass doors downstairs in the lobby and willingly waited with her for a cab. It was cold outside and the first flakes of snow were in the air. Winter had started too early this year, they were only halfway through November.
"I got a call from the Richard J. Donovan Correctional Facility," Mandy informed slowly and quietly. Tony tensed, tearing his gaze away from the flakes outside the window.
"They're not planning on releasing him, are they?" his voice was also low, but dangerous. The look on Amanda's face said it all. Tony may have had his calendar full to bursting, but he could still fit one murder planning in there. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
"For good behavior," she continued. "If all goes well for him, he'll be out before Christmas."
Just as Tony didn't always have shrapnel in his chest, Amanda wasn't always blind. That was until after her crazy ex-husband's attack. He blinded her, kept her trapped in their apartment for a week, and finally nearly killed her. Tony and his lawyers did everything they could to put Brian behind bars for the rest of his life, but he only got fifteen years. Only 15! And now they were gonna let him out early.
"We'll get a restraining order. And you'll get bodyguards, the best ones. I won’t let him hurt you, Mandy, don't worry."
"When they led him away that day, he promised to finish me off as soon as he gets out," she muttered, her voice shaking. She was shaking all over, Tony pulled her closer to him.
"You have Iron Man and Captain America on your side," he assured her. "He won't get to you."
She laughed softly, tense and nervous, but it seemed to calm her just a little. Tony led her to a cab, advised the cabbie to treat her just like a queen - it should be noted that the cabbie looked as frightened as he did stunned - and went back upstairs.
Steve was still on the common floor. He was sitting on the sofa, doing something on the starkpad, and either didn't notice Tony or chose not to notice him. Tony remained standing motionless by the elevator, hands in his pockets, silently looking the captain over. Did he always raise one eyebrow when he was concentrating on something? And did he really always make a dimple in his left cheek when he smiled, or did Tony just never notice? He kept his gaze pinned on Steve’s lips, fascinated.
It occurred to him how strangely natural it seemed to find Steve on his couch when he got home. He imagined Steve looking up at him with a wide smile, blue eyes large and shining. Maybe he'd even give Tony a fleeting touch of those pink lips, just to say hello. He would ask him how Tony’s day was and Tony would just lose himself in his embrace, enjoying the warmth and scent of his body.
It was almost unbelievable how desperate he was for a simple family life sometimes. He shook his head in displeasure, Mandy's words ringing in his ears. Maybe she was right about something after all. But just maybe.