"Yes, Y/N. Yes, we have sacrificed for you. Yes, terrible things have happened. But we love you no less- we care for you! That's why we do what we do and we won't stop until you're safe!" Tony says as he speaks from the end of the table.
I bite on my thumbnail as I stare at the table.
"Y/N?" Peter softly speaks and my eyes shoot to him. He's standing beside Tony, supporting every word Tony speaks and I shake my head.
"What? What do you want me to say here?" I question, leaning forward in my chair and setting my elbows on the table.
"Y/N... We just want you to know that we care." Peter replies.
"I know that. You think I don't know that?" I ask, my head tipped to the side.
"Well... you don't appear to understand that." Tony mumbles and I just laugh. A small giggle comes out as I set my head into my hands, covering my face, and once they start they cannot stop. I can't stop the laughter as it continues to leave me.
"I-I don't get it. What's funny?" Peter almost whispers, he seems scared as I look up to him in silence, my giggles dying down.
"You. The both of you."
"Why is this funny? I don't get it, what's funny?" Peter asks and I shake my head, staring at them.
"Neither of you get it. You both are so fucking stupid, it's hilarious!" I raise my voice at them.
"Hey, don't you fucking dare-"
"Don't what?! What?! You want me to sit here and just accept everything that's happening?!" I shout, cutting off Tony.
"Why are we stupid?" Peter asks.
"The both of you! You sit here and you-you act like this is all okay? Like people aren't out there dying to keep me safe?! What the absolute fuck is wrong with you!?" I scream, rising to my feet with my hands slammed to the table.
"Hey-"
"You want me to sit here and pretend to be okay, Tony?! You want me to go along with your stupid plans?! Fuck you both! I'm done!" I continue to yell before walking over out of the meeting room. I pass by the group, reaching the living room before my arm is grabbed and I'm spun around to face Peter.
"Hey-Hey, wait!" He says almost desperately.
"Get your fucking hands off me, Parker!" I rip my arm out of his grip.
"Woah, what's going on here?" I hear Steve say, I look to see that everyone has joined.
"Great! You're all here! Team meeting everybody!" I say and Natasha raises a brow.
"Y/N, what are you-" I cut her off by once again shouting.
"Will everyone quit questioning what I'm doing?! Can you all just for once in your fucking lives just sit and listen to what I'm saying?!"
"Maybe if you calmed down-" Bucky butts in but a single glare seems to quiet him. I take a breath before continuing.
"What does it take for you people? Hm? What does it take?" I ask, my voice finally brought to a calmer level.
"What are you talking about?" Tony asks.
"What does it take? How many bodies have to drop and how much blood has to spill before you fucking get it?" My words pierce through the atmosphere as I look over them all.
"Get what?! You keep saying we don't get it! What aren't we getting?!" Tony now begins to shout, taking a step towards me.
"When will you get that I am nothing but a fucking virus in your lives?! Life after life has been taken in the name of keeping me alive! So when will you get it?! When will you finally just let me fucking die?!" I shout to the group.
The silence that kicks in after my words are shouted is enough to make me want to fall apart but the anger that boils in my chest pushes all other emotions down.
"Y/N..." Steve mumbles, also coming closer but I just take a step back.
"I have done nothing but cause problems here. Nothing. All I ever do is leave a trail of bodies in my
wake. Pietro. Clint. Loki. Sam. Peter got shot how many times? A-And how many times has Bucky been injured and had to literally cling to life, hm? How about you, Mr. Iron Man, how's your broken rib healing up lately?"
"But Y/N-"
"But what, Peter?! What's the but?! What can be said about anything I've just said? You're just protecting me?! Keeping me safe?! I'm worth it?! I'm worth all the death, all the grief, all the pain, all of your lives?!" I lay into him as he shuts his mouth, just staring and darting his eyes all over my face like he's arguing with himself in his head, trying to find anything to say.
Flashes of each team member’s face run through my head. Flashes of each henchman, their names I never got to memorize, run alongside. Tears burn my eyes as anger still runs rampant. Anger and guilt and sadness and... pain.
"When will you finally wake up and realize everything we've lost for something so pointless?" I whisper out to the group. They open their mouths to rebuttal but I just shake my head, tears finally pouring out. my words are spoken in a broken tone as I look over the team.
"I cannot bear to lose another person I've come to love. I can't do it anymore. I can't keep pretending that this is worth it. I just want out. I want to be done. It is so much easier to just die than to continue to lose you all one by one." my tears having no end.
The silence in the group as they stare, looking heartbroken, is enough for me to know I need to leave. I quickly make my way to my room, shutting my door behind me. I grab my suitcase from my closet, beginning to throw any and all my belongings into my bag.
My mind races as I quickly pack my things. I can hear someone's footsteps making their way to my room so I continue to rush my actions. By the time I'm zipping my bag, my door swings open. I look to see Peter standing there.
"Peter, just move," I say as he approaches me. "Just go. Please, just go."
"Please don’t.. You can't leave- we need you. I-I need you." He speaks softly to me.
"I can't stay around and watch as you sacrifice your life for me too. I don't want to have to hold someone else's hand as they pass, I can't keep doing this."
"Y-Y/N, we are so close to being done with this. Stark has a plan-"
"He always has a plan, Peter. He always does. But it always ends with one of you going. I'm so tired of being left, let me be the one who leaves this time." I cry and Peter shakes his head.
"I-I can't let you. Maybe it's selfish, and maybe it won't work, but at least we can say we tried. At least we can say it wasn't all for nothing."
"Peter..."
"Y/N... Please."
"I can't do this anymore, Peter. I can't.. I can't make it stop, I can't go through this anymore."
"You don't have to do any of this alone. You can go through it with me, I'll be here for every step, for anything. As long as I don't lose you."
"Peter..."
"Y/N... Just tell me what's going on with you. Let me be here for you."
I stare him in his eyes as he pleads me silently with them. My tears are streaming down my face before I squeeze them shut tightly, a loud sob racking through my body. I slowly drop to my knees and peter holds onto me tight, sinking to the floor along with me. He pulls my head to his chest and I can barely get a cry out as my throat feels like it’s closing, my vocal cords shredded.
it hurts.
it just hurts.
"I-I can't make it stop. I can't make the nightmares go away, Peter. I can't make the pain go away! I need it to go away!" I sob into his chest as he squeezes me tighter, playing with my hair in an attempt to soothe me.
"Shhh... It's okay. I'm here. I'm here, you aren't alone." He whispers gently over my broken cries. His words are repeated like a broken record as I continue to sob into his chest.
We sit for what feels like hours- peter's comforting words never coming to a halt. I wrap my arms around him like he's a large teddy bear, holding on so tight like he might just disappear in my grasp.
"What nightmares?" He suddenly asks after a pause in his comforts.
"Hm?"
"You said you couldn't stop the nightmares. What nightmares?"
"..." I nibble on my bottom lip as I have no words.
"Y/N? Please?"
"...I keep having nightmares about losing you. Or losing Tony, or Wanda, or Steve, or Natasha. I can't ever stop it, I can't ever save you. I'm always too late. I can't make them stop either. Every night it's one of you I have to lose.. It's why I haven't been sleeping, I can't-" I stop my words for a moment to calm myself from another breakdown. "I can't keep losing you. It feels too real." I whisper to him.
"If I knew..."
"There wouldn't be much you could do. It's my mind that's the problem here, Peter. I don't know what to do about it... I can't run from it, I can't fight it, I have to live with it. I have to live with the memories of everyone we lost. I have to live with the fact that it's my fault."
"But it isn't. It isn't your fault.. It's your father’s for sending his goons after you. It's his fault. Everyone who passed thought the same."
"Peter-"
"I'm serious, Y/N. No one blames you and no one thinks that anyone's death is your fault. We're fighting bad guys and saving you- as superheroes do. We're doing our jobs at the end of the day. A job that we all understood could kill us any day it wanted to." He says, pulling away to stare me in my eyes.
"I am so sorry. I am so so very sorry that you had to witness so many deaths and lose the ones you loved... I'll miss them every day too. But they wouldn't want you to go all suicide mission on us.. Sam would fight you for even trying, you gotta know that right?" He asks to which I nod my head.
"You are not pointless, Y/N.. And you are no virus either. You.. are worth everything. You're important to us. We all just want you safe. You would go to war for us any day of the week. Let us go to war for you." He whispers, not breaking eye contact once- just to drill in the point.
"I can't-"
"You can. I’ll be here. I'm not going anywhere." He cuts me off.
"You can't promise me that."
"I can. And I did. And I'll keep it too. From now on, every nightmare you have, you can come to my room and we can stay up and watch movies. Every tear you wanna cry, you can cry on my shoulder. I will give endless amounts of hugs and remind you just how important you are to us... And to me. I'll be here. I'll support you when you start getting professional help for what you've had to go through.. because you'll have to eventually. I'm not going anywhere when you're here. I belong wherever you are."
His gentle words are enough to make me wanna cry again so I hide my face in his chest instead. He wraps his arms around me again as I sniffle and try my best to stop my tears.
"You can't say things like that..." My words are mumbled into his chest.
"And why is that?"
"Because you're just making me love you more.. And if I lose you-"
"Hey, we just went over this like 2 seconds ago. There is no losing me. I'm not leaving." He repeats his previous statements and I shake my head.
"I-I know but-"
"I'm not leaving. Not now. Not in the future. Not ever. Wherever you are is where I'll be." He reminds me. "Okay?"
"Okay... I need you too, Peter Parker." My words are no longer smothered by the fabric of his t-shirt as I just sit up to just lean my head on his shoulder. "...Can you help me unpack? And, uh, apologize to the team?"
"I'll help unpack but Y/N... They don't want an apology. They just want to know if you're okay."
"Oh. Well, I will be, y'know? In time. Maybe when this is all over."
"That's all you gotta tell them. They'll get it.. They just want to know that you won't.. uh.. hurt yourself." He hesitates over the words as he says them, his eyes searching my face as he helps me rise to my feet.
"Oh?"
"Yeah.."
"Well, I won't... Did I make it sound like I would?"
"Maybe. Just a bit.."
"Oh."
"Yeah..."
"I'll just... try to explain it all to them."
"And I'll be there for you the whole time." He smiles at me.
"Promise?" I question as I begin to unzip my bag. Peter approaches me from behind, pulling my back into his chest, tightly hugging me.
"Promise." He repeats, pressing a soft kiss to the top of my head and stepping beside me, beginning to empty my suitcase.
I stand and watch as he helps me, knowing it’s useless. I love him.. I do. But he is so blinded by love and affection that he doesn’t understand how lethal I am.
I’m a deadly tumor that needs to be removed. I’m a virus that needs to be cured. And how do you get rid of tumors?
You cut them out.
They can resist it all they’d like to, they can fight it- HE can fight it… But by the time midnight comes, I will be long gone. They can track me down, they can hate me, they can do whatever they please.
I’m doing this for them. I am deadly. A virus. A tumor. A death wish. Any of the titles fit me. They refuse to acknowledge the truth of the situation. I have continuously tried to warn them. I have repeatedly pleaded with them. If they won’t save themselves, then I will do the saving.
I’m a hero, after all, aren’t I?