Every time you checked the couples and groups list for the patrols, you wished to be paired with Abby. You could spend hours counting reasons why she was your ideal company. Not only was she an impressively skilled fighter, but she was such a thoughtful listener, always attentive and caring. She always remembered what you told her. A week ago, when she came back from her round, she approached you with a sly look in her face:
“Meet me at my room after dinner,” she whispered when you had finished greeting each other.
Your heartbeat increased and you thanked that, although Abby could be talented, she didn’t have superhearing yet. But your cheeks betrayed you, turning warm and ruddy. With that reddish colour they spoke of your increasing nerves, leaving you exposed.
“Hmm… Sure? Why’s that?” You tried to impress in your words the confidence you wished you had.
“Surprise!” Her eyebrows went up as her smile widened, her upper lip almost disappearing, making way for her clear teeth. Maybe she hadn’t noticed your awkwardness. “See you, sweetie.”
You were so lost in your own oblivious state, too busy trying to appear less thrilled than you were, that you only got to articulate a low-toned “see you”. You stood still, looking at her tight braided hair disappear in the aisle, and wondered if you’ll recover a normal heart rate at any point of that day. Liking Abby was very easy, you didn’t even remember when you started having feelings for her. It was a gentle sensation, but it fed a bitter tickling that descended from your chest to the sole of your feet, crossing your womb.
Sitting at the dinner table, a knot in your stomach prevented you from eating. Your thoughts were racing all over your head: what did Abby want to tell you? You couldn’t help but to fantasise about how she would confess her feelings, how she would swear “my heart aches for you” and then wrap her arms around your body in an ardent embrace. Her arms. You were dying to finally feel them against your skin in a proper way, after all the times you had to force yourself to suppress every thought about them, fearing you could take advantage of her friendship and the timid physical contact you were platonically offered. In addition, when you met Abby, she had a thing with a guy, something that made you feel dirty if you thought too much about her physical features or the sound of her voice. But, in the privacy of your solitude, you had always allowed yourself to daydream about the touch of her hand, with metacarpus turning prominent as she grabbed your wrists in the air; the head of her ulna standing out, giving her a slightly more fragile appearance; and her forearm muscles tensing under a kiss of yours.
Eventually, dinner was finished and you rushed to the aisles, reaching Abby before she was too far.
“Hey!” you called her.
“Oh, hey, you,” she turned and waited for you. “Nervous?”
“A little bit,” you admitted as she knew you too well to believe a bigger lie.
“You’re going to love it.” You didn’t need the reassurance; you were already convinced it was going to be a magical night. She opened her room door, showing her roommate Manny was nowhere to be found, which was a bright augury. “Here it is!” Abby’s eyes sparkled with excitement as she offered you a hoodie.
Your heart skipped a beat.
You took it, an astonished look strung on your face. It was a black hoodie that displayed an album cover where a futuristic beetle breaked a glass ball. The title was an aestheticized word made of letters and numbers. It was soft to the touch and you knew right away it would keep you warm, two things that reminded you of Abby.
“Oh, God, Abby,” you muttered. “How did you-? It must have been such a-”
“I found it at a music store, silly,” her words didn’t explain what you wanted to know. It could be found anywhere if you were lucky enough. That’s how you had found all your albums. You were more concerned about the thoughtfulness. “I knew you were going to love it.” Proud of herself, her lips drew a smile across her pretty face.
“Thank you. Truly. Thank you,” was all you could pronounce, moved by her caring detail.
That night didn’t go as you would have thought, but, nonetheless, it was magical. You felt so seen by Abby, how she could remember such a little minutia of your taste and bring you back a considerate gift. It opened something in your chest, you felt it just like a jar had fallen from your hands and broken, freeing a truth. The blunt truth was that you were in love with Abby Anderson. It was a direct, strong and harsh truth. Cruel in its unreciprocated way. Of course, Abby cared about you, you were close friends and confidants. A friend knowing your tastes in music wasn’t such a high standard. However, she knew and she cared. It meant a world to you, a world as wide as the one that broaden in your eyes when you looked at Abby. And you wished she felt the same, although you knew, with each day passing, it wasn’t a real possibility.
Luckily for you, the following week you were paired for the patrol with Abby. You had barely seen her since the hoodie night, as she had been occupied. Actually, that night you couldn’t spend more than half an hour together since she was very tired and couldn’t follow the conversation, a lost look on her face.
Getting ready in the morning, you chose a nicer hairstyle than usual, hoping she would compliment you. The thing was Abby always had something nice to say about you, always making you feel special until a mischievous thought in the back of your head reminded you that she was gracious and polite with everyone.
“Good morning!” Abby greeted you at the door, where she was waiting for you so you could grab the guns together. “You look so pretty today; did you get a good night of sleep?”
“Good morning, Abs!” You hadn’t been sleeping well, but you decided to tell a white lie since her sole presence made you feel rested. “I did, and you?”
“Obviously, I dreamed of you.”
She found it so funny, it was just an innocent joke to her, yet your cheeks turned red. In a way, it annoyed you that she could flirt so easily, making you nervous every time, without really trying or putting any kind of feeling into it.
Abby tried to make some small talk at the beginning of the patrol, but you had a lot of things to tell her about the newborn puppies back at the stadium. She hadn’t been around very much that week, so she had lost the birth and missed the opportunity to name any of them. You were too busy describing how cute each one of them was, their colours and spots, you didn’t realise she seemed distracted all the time.
“Hey,” she suddenly said, her face lighting up. “Do you want to go to the music store I told you about last week?”
“Wow. I didn’t know it was this way.” There was excitement in your voice.
“Well, it isn’t. But this is a clear path, we can come back later. Nobody is going to miss us if we spend a couple of hours on a more interesting adventure.”
You studied her face, her bright expression transmitting tranquillity. There may be some soldiers that liked to divert from their way and wander around, but Abby wasn’t one of them. Anyways, when she decided it was a good time to relax, you knew it was the best of ideas. And, obviously, you always sought her company.
“Cool,” you accepted. “Let’s do it.”
It wasn’t a drastic turn, but you had never taken that path.
“It’s a… funky route,” Abby admitted once you were already experiencing it, causing you both to laugh as a lighthearted emotion got comfortable in your chests.
“It’s worth it,” you answered.
Enjoying the lavender smell made the walk easier, and so did the landscape. This part of the forest was covered in those flowers, presenting a burst of green, lilac and brown. When you finally arrived at the music store, you found it ugly in comparison even if you could tell it was full of posters and decorative elements inside. It had only two or three remaining storefronts, glasses covering the floor; otherwise, it seemed quiet.
“We had to clean it the other day,” your companion explained. “Some of the other buildings are completely infected, but I kinda pressured so we could start here.”
That confession made you want to jump at her neck and plant a peck on her cheek; instead, you just smiled for formality’s sake.
“That’s so nice of you, Abs.” Your tongue was ready to shout the nicest words you could ever think of, but the weight of your friendship burned your hands as a reminder that you had to be careful not to throw it all away. In fact, even thinking of her that way in her presence felt like a violation of her trust. “Abby, wait,” you called her, as she turned her back to approach a shelf full of graphic t-shirts. “Your hair tie is missing.”
She took her hand to her braid, realising it was slightly undone because of the lack of retention.
“Shit. It must have broken,” she checked her wrists, not another hair tie in sight.
“Don’t worry,” you pointed at the counter table, now almost empty, but with the paint so damaged because of the use you could tell there had been a lot of life in that store. “I’ve got you, sweetie.”
Calling her sweetie was clearly a way of poking fun at the pet name she used but also a way of proving it had no effect on you. This you had to prove only to yourself; however, it was important to you to act as chill as possible, especially after she had gifted you the hoodie that had served as your night suit for the whole week.
You took your backpack off, leaving it in the ground, and did the same for Abby. Then, you undid the braid, starting it all over again to secure its tightness. Abby’s hair was surprisingly soft to you; it didn’t matter how many times you touched it; it always amazed you. You couldn’t explain how, but it felt sweet to your fingers, the same way its dark honey colour did to your eyes. Not a word came out of your mouth, for you were too focused in your task.
“Aren’t you mad?” she asked suddenly, as if it was the hardest question she had ever posed, without even looking at you. A worried gaze had darkened Abby’s eyes, you found out as you leaned to her left.
“Why would I?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she decided after a few seconds of silence.
“You can tell me anything,” you assured, finishing her hairstyle. “It looks beautiful. Just like you.”
“Thank you. It’s just… I don’t know. Haven’t you missed me this week?”
“Sure I have, but I get you’re a busy girl.” You seated beside her and put your hand over hers. “Are you ok?” You thought that maybe there was something going on with her and she didn’t want to be a burden.
“I don’t know… Maybe… Maybe I have felt ignored and I thought you were mad.”
“I could never be mad at you, Abs. Especially after your gift.”
She gave you a brief look before returning to examine the floor.
“Wasn’t it weird?”
“How could it be weird?” you didn’t understand where she was coming from, so you put your arm around her shoulders in a recomforting gesture.
“I don’t know.” It seemed like it was the only thing she was able to pronounce, too many thoughts dancing in her mind. Her facial expression changed into a more relaxed one before speaking again. “You really didn’t think anything about it, did you?”
“Don’t say that. I thought it was the coolest gift ever. I have even slept in it a few days!”
“Not the hoodie, silly” she smiled but her smile appeared sad. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Abby, if it bothers you, of course it matters. I didn’t want to offend you.” The conversation had been meaningless, you felt like Abby hadn’t said a single thing even if she had talked all the time.
“I don’t…” she stopped herself before she could articulate the same phrase again. “Promise me you won’t be mad at me.”
“I’ve already told you. I could never be mad at you.”
She moved your arm away from her shoulder and changed her positions so she could look at you face to face.
“I like you,” she confessed in a very low voice. “Not in a friendly-friend way, you know. I like you. In a romantic way.” She had managed to raise her tone a little, more confident once the wall was broken.
You stared at each other in silence, each one having different reasons. Abby seemed like she was seriously considering getting up and running away. You, on your part, couldn’t believe your ears. Was that hoodie a love confession? You had been too immersed in your own world, too convinced about Abby’s supposed feelings it had blinded you. She liked you. You had too many questions but, before any of you said anything, you leaned fast and kissed her hard. At least, you tried. She wasn’t ready and you weren’t thinking clearly, almost laughing of happiness, so your teeth collided with her lips. She screamed in pain.
“Oh, God! Do you hate me?” she took her hand to her mouth, staining the tip of her fingers with blood.
“No!” You almost shout, as if Abby’s question was serious. “I’m sorry, I was just excited.”
Your eyes locked for a second before both of you understood right the situation. Then, Abby leaned for a softer kiss and your mouth welcomed hers. You had fantasized so much about that moment it was hard to believe it was beating your expectation. Her hands hugged your waist as you placed your arm around her neck, pulling her closer to you. The kiss turned heated as Abby’s fingers pressed on your flesh, but you were too shy to touch her more. Also, you were too distracted, unable to stop thinking about the consequences of the kiss. Would she dare touch you under your clothes? There was not a thing you would like more at that moment, yet you were too paralyzed. You placed a hand on her shoulder, your thumb caressing her as an affirmative response to a nonexistent question. The fabric of her jacket was too rough, mismatching the situation, and, before you could gather courage to do something about it, Abby’s words rescued you.
“Is something wrong?”
“It’s perfect,” you didn’t doubt your response for a second as you wanted her to know she had permission.
“Are you sure? You are shaking like crazy.”
“What?” You hadn’t even noticed and, suddenly, you were aware of how much you were trembling, even your tongue had a life of its own. “Oh, God, Abby, I’m sorry. I swear I’m fine, just a little bit too nervous.”
“No need to be ashamed, sweetie. I think it’s cute,” her smile, too close to your lips, had the opposite effect, making a warm sensation travel through your body.
Your breaths became one as you merged into a kiss. This time, you cupped her cheek, enjoying its tenderness and the slight relieves of the skin. Her hands on the bottom of your back seemed indecisive, so you got down of the table and whispered:
“You can do whatever you want.”
That was all she needed to hear, her hands moving fast to hold your ass. Kissing her felt familiar somehow, although her taste wasn’t like you had imagined. Either way, savouring her only made you hungrier.
“Does anyone ever come this way?” Your shyness was nowhere to be found and your hands descended until they rested in her chest.
“Are you serious?”
“Well… It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to…”
Maybe your feelings had a long time to build up, but you didn’t know about hers, so you could understand she wasn’t dying to touch you. Then, you remembered she had used the word “like” and a devastating sensation overwhelmed you. Were your hearts truly syntonic? Abby’s kiss interrupted your thoughts and her words eased your mind: “I’ve wanted this for a long time.”
This time, you finally got rid of her jacket and then, it came. The thing you had yearned for, wished for, and only experienced in the best of your dreams. Her fingers reached under your clothes and it ached like Abby was cutting your flesh open there where she touched, making you bleed desire. She was only touching your waist, yet it was most intimate contact and butterflies corroborated it, fluttering in your stomach. You wanted to savour the moment, but desperation defeated you, making you grab the edge of her t-shirt. Abby raised her arms, allowing you to pull the piece of cloth over her head, exposing her torso, still partially covered by a nude bra.
Unable to keep your kisses to yourself, your mouth travelled all over her accented clavicle; a burning thirst scratching your throat. Then, your lips pressed against her sternum and your hand, against her breast, feeling the nipple under the fabric. The barrier pained you, but, before you could solve it, Abby got off the table and spun you, making you take her place. She kissed your mouth again and pushed with one hand the cashier box that fell to the ground accompanied by a deep rumble. Now you could lie in the table and, once she was over you, her tongue still caressing yours, the heat her body emanated blinded you. It sank you in lust. You craved every part of her body and were convinced you would melt under the physical attention she was offering.
Abby retained your hands against the table, holding your wrists and preventing you from moving. All you could do was close your eyes and breath unevenly as she kissed your cheeks, your jaw and your neck.
“Please…” you muttered, drunk on desire. “Undress me.”
“No.” You tried to raise your hips, but Abby used her body to keep you stuck to the piece of furniture. “Not yet, sweetie.”
The choir of groans, whines and sighs were interrupted by a sudden click. As the soldier she was, Abby reacted quickly. She straightened up and looked at the figure that was standing still at the open door of the store. A noise had attracted it to the store, but it seemed lost and waiting for a new sign of an alive prey. Its face was just a disfigured combination of fungi and, while the body was human-like, every trace of humanity had been whipped off it. You pitied the clothes that one day were someone’s possession, their armour against cold or wind, and now were reduced to shreds.
Abby and you held your breath, maybe losing a few precious seconds. You couldn’t move with Abby over you, and she was completely immobile, analysing the situation. It wasn’t hard to guess what she was thinking: she only had to get to the bag that was three or four metres away from you.
Abruptly, the clicker cried again and turned to your direction, making you gasp in fear of it having found you. In any other situation, not a sound would have come out of your mouth, but you weren’t thinking clearly, too overwhelmed by all the emotions, unable to control your respiration. You had fucked up; you had caught the clicker’s attention. Faster than your thoughts, Abby jumped out of the table and pushed the clicker several times. You could see the monster’s hands trying to grab Abby, but she had her sight as an advantage and managed to take down a shelf that was in the middle of the store, immobilising the clicker beneath it. She ran over her successful trap, picking up a coffee mug with a random logo and smashing it in her enemy’s face, or what was left of it. Then, she stomped on its head several times. You could see her jaw twitching and her eyes sparkling with fury as she silenced the clicker’s noises.
You, on your part, were completely paralyzed, making yourself small. You felt pathetic; all those years of training so you could put your lives in danger. Abby looked at you, causing shame to tint red your cheeks and curve your back. She looked glorious, her chest only covered by her bra and puffed up. Her strong body revealed her as a killing machine, something proved by the blood that stained her boots and the dead, deformed body under these. The shambled store around her accentuated her tenacious expression. After looking through the windows, making sure no other twisted being was around, she approached you.
“Are you ok?” her voice denoted concern.
Too ashamed, you couldn’t pronounce a word. You couldn’t keep the clicker’s image out of your head. Even if it wasn’t the first one you have ever dealt with, or if you were convinced Abby was capable of killing it with her eyes closed. You shook your head, negatively.
“Was it really that scary?” she didn’t realise her question made it seem more ridiculous, but you didn’t say anything, allowing yourself to enjoy the endearing hug she gave you.
“Not really. It just... was too much,” you finally admitted, with your eyes closed and your head resting in Abby’s torso. “Everything. Not in a bad way.”
Both of you stayed still, melted in a tender embrace. Her pine scent had a calming effect on you, easing your breath until both of your inspirations and expirations were coordinated. A tear fell from your left eye, waving your anxiety goodbye at last.
“I’m very sorry, Abby,” you mumbled, your face hidden in her chest.
“It doesn’t matter, everything’s fine,” her fingers were tangling in your hair. “We can’t always be ready.”
You looked at her, so beautiful and untouchable. Looking back, she had been very impressive, ending an infected with fast and clean moves. Her triumphant image, standing bare-chested over her victim, would not leave your mind for a long time. Besides, it made electricity sprout in your heart, a feeling of admiration increasing in your soul.
“We should get going,” you suggested, ready to continue with your duties, wanting to leave behind such an embarrassing event.
She assented and placed her hand on your cheek.
“Can I kiss you first?” she asked, delighting you with her astounding eyes. Mellow, they glowed with affection and compassion. It was hard to believe those were the same eyes ruled by fury you had seen before. Now, you wanted to kiss her lids, although it meant to cover that indecipherable colour. “But be gentle with me,” Abby requested, and you granted her wish when you merged into one, touching the wound in her lip with such care it could have healed broken bones.
There, holding each other, your mouths sealed the pact of a new love.